Exposed (Free Falling) (26 page)

He blew out a breath and didn’t let my hand go.  “Just stay and talk to me.  It doesn’t have to end like this.”

I disagreed….
strongly. 

“You just made it very clear that you’re staying in your marriage, and you
also
made it very clear that I’m not giving you what you need out of this relationship.”  Admitting that out loud made me feel like I was just as broken and flawed as the day I first arrived in New York.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings,” Jason said softly.

“Well, it sure as hell
felt
like it.  Why else would you have said it?” I swiped at the lone tear that rolled down my cheek.  “You’ve felt like that the whole time, haven’t you?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

He released a frustrated sigh. 
“I understand that it’s because of what you went through.”

“That’s not what I asked you.
”  He waited until now to say it, to deflect some of the attention off of his
own
imperfections, but obviously he’d always thought these things about me.  My feelings and my pride were both a little bruised.

I watched as Jason sorted through his thoughts, picking and choosing the words that he thought would get him in the least amount of trouble, knowing that he had to give
some
sort of an explanation.

“I knew there were wounds that’d have to heal…..but I didn’t expect it to take this
long.  I thought –“ he sighed halfway through his sentence.  “I thought I could fix you.”

And there it was.  “Jason…I’ve never needed you to
‘fix’
me.” I laughed cynically and turned my face away when I couldn’t stand to look at him any longer.  “You should’ve put your time and energy into raising your
kid
, not trying to raise
me
,” I added as I stood again, deciding that our conversation was over.

Jason called my name several times, gathering the attention of other patrons as I made my exit.  The tears streaming down my face probably only made the scene more dramatic.  I jumped in the first cab I saw and told the driver my address.  Just as we were pulling off, Jason rushed outside and spotted me.  Luckily, the dr
iver had already taken off, leaving Jason standing there on the sidewalk with his hands in the air as I watched him from the rear window.

I forced myself to stop crying and turned back to face forward, upset about too many things to lay
more blame on one situation than the others.  As far as the Jason situation, while it hurt to end things, I was positive I’d done the right thing.  There was no quick resolution to his family situation and I couldn’t get wrapped up in that.  However, I couldn’t help but to hang on every word he’d spoken in regards to me being callous toward him in our relationship.  Thinking about it, I tightened my arms over my chest. 
Was I progressing more slowly than I realized?  Was I really still as damaged as he’d just made me feel like I was?

I paid the driver and walked to my building wit
h my keys already in hand.  When I made it up the stairs and to my door, Jason’s words were still playing on a loop in the back of my head like a broken record…
’cold and emotionally unavailable’…
apparently that’s who I was.

The door slammed behind me when I entered my apartment and dropped my purse on the table.  Looking a
round at the bare walls – void of pictures and decorations – a wave of emptiness filled my senses and a chill ran down my spine.  Feeling myself getting ready to spiral, I shook it off and refused to go there. 

Instead of falling on the couch and staying there all weekend
like I wanted to, I went to the bathroom and ran myself a bath as hot as I could stand it.  I emptied the rest of my lavender bubble-bath into the water and lit every candle that I could find.  After stripping down, I climbed in while steam continued to rise from the faucet.  Sinking beneath the water, I inhaled the calming lavender aroma and felt some of the tension leave immediately; however, I knew this would only be a temporary fix.  I’d have to find plenty to do this weekend to keep my mind off of my breakup with Jason….and off the hurtful things he’d said to me in the process.

The sound of my phone sounding off prompted an eye roll.  My fir
st thought was that it was Jason calling to apologize and lie again about not meaning the things he’d said.  However, seeing AJ’s name on the screen canceled out the frustration and replaced it with excitement.

“Hello?”

“Busy?” He asked.

I sat up in the tub and leaned on my towel that hung over the edge
.  “Not especially.  Just got home not too long ago.”

“I’m just getting off
work myself.”

I smiled, wondering if I was the first call he’d made after leaving his office.  “That’s
right, you
did
say you’d be working late tonight.  How’d that go?”

“Terrible,” he replied with a chuckle.  “B
ut better now that it’s over….and now that I’m talking to you,” he added.

My heart fluttered and I smiled.  “Don’t start.”

“Start what?” he asked, feigning innocence.

“Flirting on the sly.”

He laughed and so did I.  “What can I say?  Old habits die hard.”

He wasn’t lying about that. 
I’d stopped myself several times from doing and saying inappropriate things while in his presence.

“So, I’m
thinking about checking out this Italian restaurant I found today.  Feel like hanging out for a while?” he asked.

I looked around at all my candles and wiggled my toes beneath
the water.  “Umm…right now?”  Honestly, I dreaded the idea of abandoning my bath so soon, but I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant I’d get to see
him.
 

“Well…I was
gonna go home and grab my car first, then I’d come pick you up.”

When I hesitated, he spoke again
, trying to sound indifferent.  “If you don’t really feel like hanging out, it’s cool.”

“No, it’s not that,” I quickly interjected.  “I was just…I’m in the tub and I-“

“Hmm,” he mumbled in the middle of my sentence, bringing a smile to my face with the way he said it. 

“What’s that mean?” I asked.

He sighed, but ignored my question.  “Just finish what you were saying.”

I chuckled again and
continued.  “I was just gonna ask if we could go a little later.  Rough day,” I added, not feeling the need to reveal the fact that my lengthy relationship with Jason had just crumbled and died about an hour ago.

“Oh, okay.  Well, you probably should just
chill then.  We can go some other time.  No rush.”

I perked up.  “No!  I
wanna go; I just need like an hour.”

“Seriously, I understand; I had a long day too.  The more I think about, it’s kind of late anyway.  Why don’t we just go for lunch tomorrow or somethi
ng?” he suggested.  “Got anything going on?”

I thought of how utterly empty my life was.  The only plans I had were to paint from sunup to sundown to
keep my mind from over-analyzing the events of the day.  “No, I’m free.  Lunch will be fine.” I was already smiling, thinking about getting to spend more time with him.

“Cool.”  AJ paused. 
“Anything happen today that you wanna talk about?  I’m a pretty good listener.”

My smile grew, hearing him show genuine interest in my day.  However, I didn’t want to talk about my woes.  “I’m fine.  There’s just a lot going on at work and stuff,” I replied, letting the
‘and stuff’
statement cover the
Jason
situation. 

“Well, if you decide
to vent, you have my number.”

I nodded like he could see me.  “I do.”

I listened while AJ thanked the cab driver who’d just driven him home, and then closed the car door behind himself.  “I guess I’ll let you finish up your bath then,” he concluded, sounding like he’d spoken the words through a smile.  “And for future reference, you have my number if you need help with that too.”

I blushed like crazy and was thankful he couldn’t see me.  “You’re being bad tonight!  Wha
t’s gotten into you?”

He sighed and chuckled.  “
I know.  You’re right.  I’ll stop.”

Who said anything about stopping?

“What happened to the nice guy I had dinner with last night?” I asked coyly.

AJ sighed and I could hear his hollow footsteps in the background, like he was making his way up the stairwell headed toward his loft.  “Just…ignore me,” he laughed.  “I’m in rare form today.”

Meaning he hadn’t gotten any in a while and it was starting to get to him.

I shifted beneath the water, trying to ignore the fact that I was in the same boat – not that I’d cared about sex all that much before
he
came back into the picture, but lately, every time I was around him, I had to force myself
not
to think about it.

“It’s cool.  You get a pass,” I replied. 

“Thanks.  But be forewarned, I may need several.”

“Duly noted,” I laughed again. 
“So what’re you gonna do tonight since we’re postponing our plans?”

He sighed.  “
Mmm….I’ll probably just head to bed early.  Well…head to my
‘air mattress’
early,” he restated with a laugh.

“Aww, poor baby.
  When’s your bed coming?”

Another sigh.
  “When everything else comes.”

Including Kira
, I thought to myself.  The sobering reminder left me with nothing else to say at the moment.

“It’s not as uncomfortable as you’d think, though.  You’ll see,” he added slyly.

I raised an eyebrow and forced the laugh that almost slipped out to manifest itself as nothing more than a grin.  “Really, AJ? 
‘I’ll see’
?”

He lau
ghed at his less than subtle innuendo.  “In my defense, I did say I’d require several passes during this conversation, right?”  There was silence while I sank further down beneath the water. “And it’s not totally my fault,” he added.  “Hearing you over there sloshing around in the tub isn’t helping.”

Now I laughed out loud.  “First of all, I’m not
‘
sloshing’,
thank you very much.  Second of all, it’s not my fault that you called while I’m bathing.”

He let out a frustrated sigh.  “Yeah…I know.  Leave it to us and our impeccable timing.”

I smiled at that.  We
did
have incredibly eerie timing.

“
Alright, well, we’re gonna have to change the subject now, or I’m gonna end up saying something far worse than I already have.  I can feel it,” he stated, sounding amused and a little bit irritated all at the same time.  Knowing what it was that he needed, knowing what I could do to him that would fix his mood, my heart sped up.  I felt that same tingle between my legs that he’d induced the night before and squeezed my legs together again.  I couldn’t help but to toy with him, though…just a little. 

“
Booooo!”

He laughed again.  “Did you just boo me?”

“Sure did.  I’ve never known you to hold back what you’re thinking.”

He scoffed and yawned
at the same time.  “I’m only holding back because you can’t handle it.”

“Whatever.”

“Didn’t you just tell me to stop flirting with you?” he asked.

“I just asked what’d gotten into you
; I never said to stop.  There’s a difference.”

That sexy laugh of his sent a chill down my back despite the fact that my bath was nearly scalding hot.

“If I start down that path – saying and doing whatever I want when it comes to you – I might not be able to stop,” he warned jokingly.

I stared at the candle flickering beside me and then said something
that I knew I shouldn’t say.  “Then don’t stop.”

He fell
silent.

“I still think about it,” I admitted.

“About what?”  It was clear that my previous statement still had him distracted.

“Us.  Together.” He knew what I meant without needing to spell it out.

“So do
I,” he confessed.  “Often.”

“Since
we’ve been hanging out?” I asked.

“No…since
always
.”

Hearing him say that he’d fantasized about our past trysts stroked my tattered ego after the things Jason had said to me earlier.

“Tell me what you miss the most,” I urged.

AJ sighed heavily and then laughed. 
“About the sex?  That’s probably a bad idea.”

“
Yes, about the sex.  And am I gonna have to ‘boo’ you again?”