Eyes Wide Open: The Blackstone Affair, Book 3 (14 page)

Ethan knew how to demand from me. And I am quite sure his instincts are just that basic—hardwired primal directives that he cannot help but to answer. I’m sure about him, because it works the same way for me as well. I want to accept him, and submitting during sex is a way to give Ethan those things he asks me for so candidly. It gets me hot too. I love the things he says and asks from me when we’re in the heat of fucking.

He lifted his lips away and looked over me with glassy blue eyes. “I love you so much it scares me sometimes. No . . . it scares me most of the time.” He shook his head idly. “I hate leaving you alone here so much. It’s not right.” He sighed heavily. “I hate it so badly. I get—I just turn into a sort of raving madman, and I hope it’s all not . . . too much. That I’m not too much.” He touched his forehead to mine. “I see you and I just have to be with you like this.” He trailed a hand over my breast and cupped it over the now dried effects of his orgasm, which looked to have been mostly wiped off me at some point. Maybe he’d done it while I dozed. I’d been so out of it from that cataclysmic climax he’d given me, I had no idea.

“Well, I’m not complaining.” I held his face. “I like your version of a madman, if that’s what you call it, and just so you know, I was lonely tonight, missing you and feeling worried about everything, but then you came home looking like you would die if you didn’t have me, and . . . well, it was just what I needed to make me feel better. When I’m alone with my thoughts, I tend to start worrying about things that I shouldn’t. Doubt creeps in. You are the first person to really help me with all the doubt. You just erase it all when you touch me and show me how much you want me.”

He just stared, his eyes wide. “Are you real?” he whispered, brushing up my face with the back of his fingers in a cherishing caress. “Because I’ll want you forever.”

Ethan had asked me that question before and I loved it. “When you say things like that my heart beats faster.”

He put his hand over my left breast and held it there. “I can feel your heart. It’s my heart too.”

I nodded. “It is your heart, and I am very real, Ethan. I’ve wanted everything we’ve ever done together, and you own my heart now.” I touched his face in the same way, just inches apart, drowning in his eyes.

Ethan sighed heavily, but it sounded like one of relief and not of worry. “Come on, my beauty, have a bath with me. I need to wash you and hold you for a while.” He picked me up and carried me into his travertine masterpiece of a bathroom, and helped me into the tub. After he settled in behind me, I stretched back and rested against his firm chest. His arms came around to swirl water up over my breasts and shoulders.

“I called Benny tonight,” I offered after a moment.

Ethan soaped up a bath sponge and drew it up my arm. “How is Clarkson? Does he want to take more pictures of you?”

“We didn’t talk about that.”

“But he will.” Ethan’s response was nothing new. He didn’t like me modeling, and he really didn’t understand how much I needed it either. I wasn’t in the habit of throwing it in his face because I didn’t want him getting all upset and unreasonable again. Every time I went for a photo shoot he got irrational, so it was easier to just avoid reminding him.

“I think Ben’s getting suspicious, and I’m sure Gaby would be too if she’d seen me in the flesh, but we’ve only spoken on the phone.”

Ethan drew the sponge over my neck. “It’s time to tell them, baby. I want it announced and it has to be something big. I know that much.”

“Big how?”

“London press? Celebrity guests? Posh planning?” I stiffened in his arms. He tightened his hold around me and whispered, “Now, don’t panic, okay? Our wedding has to be an . . . event that will be newsworthy enough so that
everyone
knows about us.”

“Like the senator?”

“Yes,” he paused, “we think that Fielding is dead too. He’s been missing since the end of May.”

“Oh, God! Ethan, why didn’t you tell me?” I jerked forward and turned halfway around to look at him accusingly.

He tightened his hold around me and pressed his lips to the back of my neck. He was attempting to soothe me, I suppose, and lucky for him his tactics usually worked. Ethan was able to settle me down with just a gentle touch.

“I just got confirmation, and when I first suspected it we were at Hallborough, and you were so desperately sick . . . Don’t be angry. I had to tell Neil about us too. He knows we’re pregnant. And before you get mad about that, you should know he’s very happy for us. You know everything there is to know, Brynne.” He kissed my shoulder. “No secrets.”

My brain started putting it all together and the very idea gave me goose bumps. “You’re worried they will try to get to me too, but if our relationship and wedding are made into celebrity news then they won’t dare to?” I could hear the fear in my voice and hated it. I couldn’t imagine that Senator Oakley would want me dead. What had I ever done wrong except date his son? It was Lance Oakley who’d done the damage, not me! Why did I have to live in fear over something I didn’t cause? I was the victim here, and as much as I loathed the idea, it was the truth.

“I cannot take the risk with you and I won’t, not ever.” Ethan kissed my neck and swirled the sponge down my belly. “I always say you are brilliant because you are. You understand, then.”

“Yeah, I get it. I understand that a powerful political party may want to snuff me out, but that doesn’t mean I have to like a façade wedding.” I could feel Ethan tense behind me and figured he wasn’t happy with what I was saying.

“I told you I would do whatever it takes to secure your safety, Brynne, and I will. I promise you, the venue and the guest list don’t change a goddamn thing about the purpose. Not for me, they don’t,” he ground out. “And I want the fact that we are expecting a baby to be part of the announcement as well. It just makes you more of a precious commodity.” He shook me lightly. “Which you are.”

Yeah, my man was not happy at all. He sounded a little wounded too, and I felt guilty yet again for being so unappreciative. I guess it was just one more thing to discuss with my therapist. While I was grateful Ethan wanted to marry me and was willing to make a commitment to our child, I hated that threats from fuck-knows-who were the driving force behind his proposal.

“I’m sorry. I know I am not making this easy on you, Ethan. I wish I could be different about this.”
In so many ways, I wish it.
“But you should know it’s not really every girl’s dream to have a celebrity wedding because someone might be trying to kill her.”

“There’s a lot more motivating me than that,” he growled, “and you know it.” Ethan thrust up the drain plug and heaved himself out of the tub. He offered his hand to assist me, his expression a little angry, a little hurt, and a lot beautiful in all his magnificent wet nakedness.

Yeah, a baby we started together by accident is driving it too.

I accepted his hand and let him draw me out of the tub. He snapped down a towel and started drying me from head to toe. When he got to my stomach he bent down and planted a gentle kiss right over where our baby would be growing.

I gasped and felt tears starting again, fully unable to bring my emotions to heel, and wondering how I’d ever make it through everything intact. Why did I have to be so weak?

He lifted his eyes up. “But I love you, Brynne, and I have to be with you. Isn’t that enough?”

I lost it. Completely and totally, and for the goddamn zillionth time. Tears, sobs, hiccups—the whole nine yards. Ethan got the deluxe emotional package from me tonight. Poor guy.

My outburst didn’t seem to faze him, though, as he took charge, putting me back into bed, sliding in alongside me and drawing me close. He drew his fingers through my hair and just held me for a long time with no more demands, no questions or inquiries. He let me be, offering his comfort and strength generously without the prospect of anything in return.

He was thinking. I could hear the cogs grinding around inside his head as he pondered me. Ethan did that quite a bit, actually, the thinking without saying anything.

I was too, though. I remembered something Dr. Roswell had said to me more than once. Whenever I expressed my fears about the future, she said: “You’ll get through one step at a time, one day at a time, Brynne.”

Another cliché, yes, but one that was spot-on true, as Ethan liked to say sometimes. Spot-on true.

I’ll get through this one step at a time, and Ethan will be here to help me.

“It is enough, Ethan,” I whispered. His fingers stilled in my hair. “It is enough for me. You are enough.”

Ethan kissed me, gentle and soft, his tongue slipping inside to tangle around lazily like there wasn’t a care in the world for us right now. I felt his palm sweep down to rest low on my belly and he held it there, warm and protecting.

“We’re gonna be okay, baby. I know we are. All three of us.”

I buried my face in his chest and nuzzled. “When you say it, I believe you.”

“It will. I know this.” He lifted my face up and tapped his head with his finger. “I have visions, just like you have those super powers of deduction that you told me about once.” He gave me a wink.

“Really.” I added some sarcasm, just so he’d know I was over my snit about the wedding and could go back to acceptance.

“Yup. You, me and our little blueberry will have our happily ever after.”

I had to shake my head at him. “We don’t have a blueberry anymore.”

He feigned shock. “What happened to blueberry? Don’t tell me you ate it.”

“You idiot.” I nudged him in the ribs. “Blueberry is now raspberry.”

“Where are you getting this information?” he asked, one eyebrow quirking up.

“Website called Bump dot com. You should check it out. It’ll tell you everything you need to know about fruits and vegetables.”

He laughed. “I love when you play with me,” he said, taking my chin. “Especially when I can see the light in your eyes and you look happy. It’s all I really want. You to be happy with me, about us, our life together.”

“You do make me happy, Ethan. I’m sorry about how I am lately. A hormonal wreck crying over everything, moping, being difficult, ugh . . . I hate the sound of myself even apologizing to you right now.”

He shook his head. “Nope. We’ll have none of that. You don’t need to apologize, baby. All you need to do is agree to the announcement of our engagement. I wrote it out today. It’s ready to go.”

He looked so earnest in his request, and I realized in that moment the time for avoiding my fears about marriage, a baby, the stalker, everything that scared me, really, was definitely over. Going forward was the only option now.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

“You are?” Ethan looked more than a little surprised. “Just like that, you’re now ready?”

“Yeah. I am. I know you love me and I know you will take care of us. I finally admitted to myself with Dr. Roswell that I need you. I love you and I need you.” I cupped one side of his face with my hand. “Let’s do it.”

I got one of those spectacular and rare Ethan smiles that made it all worth it. I did indeed love making this man happy. It filled something in me, made me feel warm inside.

“We need to tell our parents and families. How do you want to break the news?” he asked softly.

“Hmmm . . . good point.” I looked at the bedside clock reading one o’clock in the morning. “How about now?” I said.

“Now?” He looked unsure for a moment before he figured it out. “You want to tell your dad first.” I could tell he was doing mental calculations. “It’s five o’clock on a Friday, do you think you can get ahold of him?”

“I’m pretty sure I can. Get dressed.”

“Huh?”

I slipped out of bed and started pulling on yoga pants and a T-shirt. “I want to Skype him and tell him that way.” I smirked, feeling pleased with my idea. “I doubt he’d appreciate hearing he’s going to be a grandfather with you naked on Skype looking like you do right now,” I said with a long, measured look over his bare, muscled skin, “so get dressed, please. I can guarantee he’ll want to talk to you once I tell him what you’ve done to me.”

♥
“Princess, you look so pretty. I love seeing your face on here. To what do I owe this honor, and what in the hell are you doing up at one a.m.?”

I grinned at my dad and actually got butterflies in my stomach at the prospect of telling him our news. Somehow I knew he would be happy for me. He’d never judged me in the past, and he wouldn’t now. “God, I miss you. I would give anything to have you right in front of me for this, Daddy.” My handsome dad had a pool towel around his neck and wet hair.

“I just did forty laps, and it felt great. My weekend is off to a good start. The weather’s been so nice for the pool. Wish you were here to enjoy it with me.”

“Me too. Are you taking your blood-pressure pills like you’re supposed to?”

“Of course I am. I’m in great shape for an old codger.”

“Oh, please, you’re about the furthest you can get from being a codger, Dad. When I imagine an old guy, you’re definitely not it. I even got a message from Jess on Facebook telling me how she sees you at the gym and how adorable you are. You must have to scrape the ladies off you when you work out.”

He laughed and brushed my comment away. I always wondered about that part of his life. He never talked about dates or women, so I really didn’t know much. He had to get lonely sometimes. Humans weren’t meant to be alone. I wished he could find someone who made him happy.

“Jess is a sweet girl. We talk mostly about you, Brynnie. You didn’t answer my question either. Why are you up so late?”

“Well, Ethan and I have something important to say and I didn’t want another moment go by before talking to you.”

“Okay . . . you’re smiling, so I think this must be happy news?” He lifted his chin and looked a little too smug. My confidence faltered just a little, until I felt Ethan come up behind me and sit down. He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned forward so my dad could see him in the monitor. “Hey, Ethan, so you’re going to make an honest woman of my daughter? Is that what this big announcement is all about?”