Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (24 page)

When I came in later than usual on Monday, Charlie turned in her chair and narrowed her eyes at me. “Tattoos, huh?”

I stopped, cocking my head at her. “Excuse me?”

She signaled to her arms. “Tattoos–not just a friend.”

“I’ll have you know that’s not why I’m late,” I replied, and I knew my face was a bright red from the burning of my cheeks. We only kissed…until the stars came out and Sadie and Walter started howling their heads off, which reminded me I needed to get home to my beagle baby. This morning I woke up to my favorite thing– a text from West. It was a simple
good morning, Beautiful,
but that didn’t matter. The fact he woke up thinking of me was what did. She wiggled her eyebrows at me, and I pulled my cell phone out of my purse. I placed it on her desk and tapped the screen, so the screensaver showed. West shirtless with the beagles.

Her mouth dropped as she cocked her head, pen going into the corner of her mouth as she said, “I’m totally jealous.”

I smirked as I turned and winked at her over my shoulder. When I got back to my desk, my phone vibrated.

West – Think I could pull you away for lunch today?

I sat back in my chair and smiled.

Only if I can get a veggie Ruben.

I opened my MacBook and typed in my password, glancing down at my cell phone to see the response.

Your wish is my command.

I logged into my email first, stopping on the HR job posting. It was for Boston, Jesse’s district, but I was still curious who it was. Jobs rarely opened up here, and it was even rarer that someone gave one up. I opened the job description, and my stomach twisted into angry knots.
Social Media Manager–
that was Tara’s job. I pulled up IM and typed in her name, staring at the green “Available” icon next to a picture of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Instead, I typed in Jesse’s number and picked up my phone.

“Hey…so you saw?” Jesse asked, and his voice was low. I wondered if the tone of disappointment was meant for me calling about it or for her quitting.

“Yeah…am I allowed to ask?”  I tapped my finger against my desk as I swallowed.

“Yes, but I’m not sure you’ll really want to know.”

I considered his words for a moment. “I’ll be fine.”

“She’s quitting. She’s going on tour with Adam and Fade Burn as their manager,” he replied, and his tone softened. “Are you okay?”

My mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out. Adam on tour with Fade Burn. Tara their manager. Somehow I managed to reply, “Sure. Good for them.”

Are they dating — is she the ‘something like that’? 
Surprisingly, my heart beat didn’t quicken, and I realized I just wanted them to be happy– even if that meant they were together.

“The bad news, well, worse news, is that she gave her notice today and
today
is her last day.”

“She’s leaving us high and dry?” I asked, putting my head in my hand. “She’s going to be hard to replace. She knows social media better than anyone.”

“There’s already some interest from a few individuals in your district — Jared and Ally.”

I looked at the time on the email. “It’s only been an hour — you’d swear they were running away from me or something.”

Jesse chuckled to himself. “I don’t think that’s the case. It’s a good opportunity, one that only comes once in a great while. We need to fill the spot quickly, though. Do you think you can reach out to them and arrange interviews today? I want to make a decision by Friday.”

“Sure. I’ll have two hours today that are free, so I’ll get them in then,” I said as I pulled up my calendar; so much for lunch.

“Great, and why are you in at such a normal hour?”

It was my turn to laugh. “When you’re happy you tend to sleep better.”

“I’m glad to hear that, River. You deserve to be happy. Benefit, I was totally right.”

“Oh, really? I swear you’re the one that told me to stay away from him.”

“Knowing you’d go right to him.”

“Let me remind you I knew him before you even mentioned it.”

“Good point. Either way, I’m glad to hear you’ve let him in.” I could hear the smile on Jesse’s face. “You both need something good to happen.”

Things happened
. West’s words rang in my head, and I wondered what that meant.

“Let me know what you think of our candidates.”

“Sure thing,” I replied before hanging up the phone and staring at my packed calendar. At that moment, staring at the blue blocks over most of my week, I was overwhelmed. I sighed as I picked up my phone.

Looks like lunch will have to wait. My free time just got booked.

My phone buzzed a moment later as I pulled my notebooks and files out of my briefcase.

How about I bring lunch and we can eat while you work?

Before I could respond another text came.

Not trying to be pushy. You should eat, though and I know if you get too busy you’ll forget those strawberries and only eat the granola bar.

I laughed to myself, shaking my head. He nailed it.

I’d love a sexy delivery man for lunch.

My face burned as I realized that did not say what I meant. Although…

I mean to have a sexy man deliver my lunch.

I watched the three dots showing he was responding.

You could always have both.

I glanced around my office, open glass everywhere. Yeah, that was not happening. Still the thought of more than kissing with West made my whole body tingle. I put my head in my hands as I breathed in slowly. I hit the reply button.

If only.

Between interviewing Jared and Ally and my normal tasks the morning flew past. When West walked in the door with the brown paper bag, my head was spinning, and my mind drifted back to Tara. West sat across from me, handing me an amazing drink concoction of pomegranate, chocolate and other amazing things that made my tongue tingle when it hit it.

“I got you the veggie Reuben like you asked,” he said as he handed it to me, and I gave him a smile. As I unwrapped the foil, my eyes drifted back to my computer and the IM screen I’d been staring at for hours. Tara’s smiling face looked back at me, and I chewed my lip before looking down at my sandwich.

“You okay?” West asked, and my gaze lifted up to his. He sat back in the chair, wiping his hands with a brown napkin. His eyebrows hovered over his green eyes as they raced back and forth over my face.

I looked back over at the IM. “I just have something on my mind.”

“Which is?” West leaned forward onto his tattooed forearms, and I fought the urge to sit in his lap.

“My ex-best friend gave her resignation, and she’s leaving today. I just keep wanting to say something, but I don’t know what to say. I know what I want to say, but I doubt she’d listen.”

West chewed on the inside of his lip, his fingers stretching out in front of him. “You never know until you try.”

“It’s complicated,” I said before sighing and glancing back at the computer screen. She was still showing as available.

“Ex-boyfriend complicated?”

I inhaled, nodding at the same time. I didn’t know how he knew, but it made it easier to explain. “She was –is– friends with him, and she didn’t agree with my choice.”

“It wasn’t her choice to make, but she made the choice not to be your friend any longer because of it,” he replied, tapping his thumbs against the desk before looking up at me. “Still, I think you should at least try to talk to her before she leaves. Especially if it’s going to bug you if you don’t.”

I put my hand to my forehead. “I’m scared.”

West’s hand reached across the desk, moving my own down so he could weave his fingers between mine. “Why don’t you call her now– that way, no matter what happens, I’ll be here for you.”

He squeezed my hand, and I picked up the receiver, clicking on her phone icon. It rang a few times, and then just when I thought she was going to send me to voicemail and never return my call, the phone picked up. It was silent on the other end for a moment before she spoke, “Hi.”

Her voice was flat and definitely unamused.

“Hey,” I replied, and my voice cracked. West squeezed my hand again, and I squeezed back.

“I guess you saw the posting.”

“Yeah,” I said, looking over at West as I struggled to breathe. Stars popped in my vision, and I remembered to inhale as he gave me a soft smile. “I didn’t want to leave things the way they’ve been.”

“It’s been three months, River. Why now?”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever have the opportunity again.”

She scoffed on the other end. “You’re lucky I picked up the phone.”

“I know, and I’m thankful for that,” I began, and I ignored the secondary scoff. “I just…please stay safe.” I closed my eyes, afraid of what West’s expression would be for the next thing I was about to say. “And keep him safe.”

Another scoff. “Sure, I’ll do what you couldn’t.”

I bit my lip hard, my head tipping back so when I opened my eyes I was looking at the ceiling. My voice was weak as I replied, “Don’t you think Bobby would’ve wanted us to be happy?”

“You’re happy without your soul?”

I didn’t respond as I brought my head back down to face West. Our eyes locked as I replied, “I
am
happy. For the first time, I feel like my soul is my own.”

“Right.”

My chin trembled, and I sucked my cheeks in as I fought the tears in my eyes. “I still care about you both, Tara. I just want you to be happy– the both of you.”

“We will be–
together
— like you should be.”

With that the phone line went dead, and I put it down. I ran my hands over my face and then ducked my face in between my arms as the sob rolled over my body. It didn’t have anything to do with the way she said they were together– it was the way she seemed to think I was the worst person in the world for not caring. I did care — I wanted them to be happy, but that didn’t seem to be enough. I’d lost the both of them forever.

I didn’t hear West stand, but suddenly I was in his arms. His lips pressed against the top of my head as I cried into his shoulder. We stayed like that for a moment until West pulled away slightly and put his hands on either side of my face, rubbing away the wet streaks on my cheeks with his thumbs.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered before placing a kiss on my forehead.

I closed my eyes as I shook my head. “I miss them, but I know they both hate me–so many of my relationships were destroyed all for the sake of one that didn’t even last — that I don’t think was meant to last.”

“Is Bobby the one who died?” he asked, and I watched as his chest rose, pressing against his thin cotton t-shirt.

“It’s all connected…it’s just a giant mess. You probably think I’m a coward for running…leaving shit the way I did,” I said as I put my hands on his wrists.

“Look at me, Riv,” West said, and when I did his eyes were locked on mine. “You carried too many burdens. You’re not a coward for knowing you couldn’t do that anymore. You said it– your soul is
yours
now. Without it, you’re breathing but not living. How does it feel to live?”

I leaned up on my toes and kissed him once, pulling away slowly, our noses touching as I said, “Thank you.”

“I hope someday you’ll trust me enough to let me in all the way…to tell me what happened,” West said as he pulled away and went to sit back down across from me.

I glanced over at him, and he nodded to my sandwich. “Eat.”

I picked up the food with shaky hands. Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth?

Fear
.

He knew Adam. What would he think? What had Adam told him?

My appetite was gone, but I still bit into the sandwich and chewed, not tasting it as I swallowed. I looked up and our eyes locked; West’s were a darker green than I’d ever seen them, and his lips were dipped down in sadness. Like he knew something more than he was saying.

He knew Adam.
Did he know Bobby was his brother? Had he connected the dots? My whole body flushed with heat, and I fought hard against the nausea rushing over me in waves.

“I guess I should get going,” West said, crumbling up his empty foil. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He stood and leaned over the desk, kissing my forehead. When he reached the door, my voice finally kicked in, “West.”

He stopped, hand on the door frame, and glanced over his shoulder at me. “Yeah.”

“I’m scared to tell you.”

He closed his eyes, running his teeth over his lower lip. “I get it.”

“You’re not mad?”

His eyes opened, and he shook his head. “That’d be hypocritical.”

I nodded, and he gave me a smile before leaving.

The headache from before returned and only worsened when I looked at my cell phone and saw I missed a call from Alec. I figured he was going to tell me about Adam’s tour, but I already knew so I cleared the call, then cleared my calendar and went home to sleep off the pain.

The next few days West seemed on edge. I figured it had to do with the fact his show was filming again, and the fact one of us usually fell asleep before anything more than kissing could happen. Sometimes I wondered if that was on purpose.

I swallowed as I thought of that, glancing over at West waiting in line to do the obstacle course with Sadie. He wore a heathered green Henley pushed up to his elbows. The cut of the shirt accentuated his body, and the unbuttoned front showed the tattoo across his chest.

My soul, yours forever, to keep.

The breath in my throat stuck as West’s eyes caught mine. They were more green than usual against the shirt, and he gave me a smile–but I couldn’t return it. Those words– there had to have been someone else. A tattoo was a pretty permanent way to show you cared. My eyes dropped, and I swallowed as heat rushed over my body as my own tattoo burned. It was the one Adam, and I shared, but that was accidental. Those words couldn’t be accidental–scrolled just above his heart. The heart I desperately wanted to be mine. The floor seemed to shift below me as the realization hit me hard. I was– no I had– fallen hard. That was the reason Adam being with someone else didn’t bug me. A buzzing in my back pocket made me jump, and I pulled my cell phone out to see Alec’s name on the screen.

I shook my head, breathing hard as I stared at the name.

“I can handle Bagel for a second if you want to get that,” West said as he jogged up next to me, finished with his round.

My eyes lifted up to his, and I realized my mouth was perched open. I shut it
 and put my cell phone back into my pocket. “I’m good. Nothing urgent.”

I went through the motions with Bagel, but my heart wasn’t in it. My phone rang again at the end of the session, but I didn’t even bother taking it out of my pocket. West glanced over at me, hearing the vibrating, and I looked at the instructor, acting like what she was saying was the most interesting thing I ever heard. After class, we drove in silence until West’s hands squeaked against the steering wheel and he spoke, “So who keeps calling that you’re ignoring?”

I looked out the window, my chest tight. How could I explain Alec without telling him everything?

“No one,” I replied as I glanced over at him.

West’s hands went tighter on the steering wheel, and his knuckles turned white. “Judging by your reaction it’s not no one.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” I replied, reaching over and squeezing his leg. I didn’t know if I could speak to Alec when my head was spinning with what ifs. What if West loved someone else? What if I didn’t love Adam anymore? What kind of person did that make me? What if I loved West? I thought Adam was a wall preventing whatever this was from truly happening, but what if the person that tattoo was for was too?

West glanced over at me, and I managed to pull myself from my thoughts to give him a smile. I put my hand in his lap and blinked until he gave in, dropping his own into mine.

Then the buzzing came again, and West glanced over at me from the corner of his eyes. His fingers tightened around mine and his voice lowered as he asked, “Is it him?” There was a pause and for a moment I thought he’d pull his hand away from mine, but he didn’t. “The ex?”

I almost said Adam’s name as a question, but somehow managed to stop myself. “No.”

“Is it the ex-best friend?”

“No.”

His jaw clenched, but he didn’t push for more.  Just like I didn’t push for information on the tattoo, but God I wanted to. When my phone rang again at the dinner table, West closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Just answer it, Riv. Go outside if you don’t want me to hear it,” he said and when I opened my mouth he shook his head and nodded to the deck.

I heaved a sigh before sliding my finger across the screen and standing. “Hi.”

“You’re a hard person to get a hold of,” Alec said on the other end, and his voice was thick with relief.

I slid open the glass door, and the sticky summer air hit me, choking the air from my lungs as I stepped outside. I closed it behind me, and my eyes landed on West sitting at the table with his head in his hands. I turned my back to him.

“Bad timing, I guess,” I replied as I walked forward and sat down on the steps. A thin bead of sweat was already forming between my shoulder blades, despite the crispness of the Fall air.

“Sorry to hear that. How have you been?”

I glanced over my shoulder to see West clearing the dinner table. “Good for the most part. You?”

“Decent. It’s weird living on my own again, but I’ve been coaching hockey.”

“You?” I asked, and the thought made me laugh. It wasn’t a laugh of spite, but of amusement. Bobby would love that his dad was following in his footsteps.

“I’m not as good as Bobby,” he replied, and I heard the smile on his lips. “But I guess that’s to be expected.”

“I’m sure you’re great,” I said, rubbing my hands against my skinny jeans. “I’d love to see a game.”

“Actually…that’s kind of what I was calling about. I had some money set aside, and I donated it to Bobby’s old rink– you remember the one you guys learned to skate in? It was in pretty bad shape, and they were going to close it. I couldn’t stand to see it happen. They’re changing the name to the Robert Beckerson Memorial Ice Hockey Ring.”

Tears pricked in my eyes and I put my head between my knees. “That’s awesome,” I replied, and I knew Alec could hear the tears in my voice.

“Don’t be sad, Riv.”

“I’m not,” I replied, my voice choked. “I just think he’d love it, and that makes me happy.”

“I want you to be there for the grand opening. It’s October tenth at two. Adam can’t go since he’s on tour…” Alec paused, and he cleared his voice. “Along with Tara.”

“I know,” I replied as I looked at the sky. I blew air out through my cheeks, puffing them.

Alec’s voice was soft as he continued, “So you could bring a date if you wanted.”

So Dad told him. I didn’t mind, because at least I wouldn’t have to. “Okay.”

“I can count you in?”

I glanced over my shoulder to see West sitting on the floor playing with the puppies. His eyes darted to me and then back to them. “Of course.”

“Great,” he replied and his voice again filled with relief. “I was afraid you’d say no.”

Another thought struck me, and I felt my whole body tense. The words were breathless as I asked, “Will my mom be there?”

Silence filled the line, and I wondered if I accidentally hung up, but then Alec took a long inhale. “Yes, but please, River, it’d mean the world to Bobby and me if you went.”

“It’s fine.”

My body was shaking. I needed West to be there, but what would Mom think of my new tattoos, of West’s? Of his career. The world became too hot, and the air around me seemed to thicken, its molecules too big to get into my lungs.

“Great, see you in two weeks,” Alec said, and the phone line went silent.

I felt my lashes flutter against my cheek as I put the phone down, and my head went to my knees again. The slider opened behind me, and I expected to be bounced by beagles, but instead all I felt was West sit down next to me.

“That good?” he asked, and his voice was quiet against the peep frogs chirping in the background.

I tilted my head to look at him, and his eyes rushed over my face. Bobby’s voice echoed in my mind. 
You need to be honest with him.

I looked straight ahead before replying, “No.”

“Tell me?” he asked. I wanted to, but fear held me back and those nasty what ifs. I shook my head. He stood, putting his hands behind his head, so they formed muscular triangles. When he turned his brows were furrowed, causing hard lines to stretch across his forehead. “Please, River. Let me in. Why can’t you let me in?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too–you’re in pain, and I can’t do anything about it.”

“It’s not that easy to explain.”

He looked at the sky before locking eyes on me. “I know pain as deep as yours, River. I promise you,” his voice broke, and he shook his head before continuing; “Not everyone wears their pain as a challenge, some people bury it so deep no one knows. That’s where we differ, but both methods end up the same. We push people away. We drown. God, I was drowning before you, River.” His eyes sparkled with tears, and I stood.

“Tell me,” I whispered, and he crushed his eyes shut.

“Let me show you.” His hands went to the edge of his shirt before lifting it over his head. He turned before I could fully take in his front, and my eyes moved up from the dimples in his back to a scar that ran up his spine. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it before. “There’s newspaper articles under my bed…a gravestone with her name on it.”

He turned back around, and my eyes ran over the tattoos that seemed to show his story. The pain and anger he hid so well seemed to dance within the beautiful lines. Waves of pain crashed against the Japanese demons, and I wondered if they symbolized his own. My eyes moved to where flower petals littered their inked beauty from their tree that was collapsing under the weight of the water. The water rushed across and formed the words scrolled over his chest, flowing into wisps of the wind that connected the tattoo to his other arm where another battle raged. There, swallowtails fought against clouds, wind and Japanese maple leaves. It was beautiful in the anger and pain it showed– a battle I hardly understood from his perspective, but one I knew entirely of my own.

I stepped forward, placing my hand over his heart and his fingers came to cover mine. His chest rose and I looked up at him to see he was struggling with the words to explain. His eyes crushed closed, and I knew I needed to explain my pain so he could let me into his.

“Bobby Beckerson was my best friend,” I began, and West’s eyes opened, locking on mine. I continued, “He fell in love with me…but I fell in love with his brother, Adam.” I watched as recognition flitted in his eyes, but he didn’t interrupt. “The three of us…we made an interesting crew. Bobby in love with me, me in love with Adam and Adam in love with himself…or so I thought.”

“He loved you, though,” West said, and his jaw trembled as he bit his cheek. I nodded. “I know him.”

“I know– that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.” He nodded but didn’t say anything else.

I took a deep breath before continuing because I needed to explain that I had been wrong, and I knew it more than ever as I stared at West now.

“Adam and I started dating around the time Bobby started dating the only girl friend I had–, Tara. We thought it would make it easier, but when Bobby found out he blew up. Things just kept getting worse from there. I sparked some war between the two of them and Bobby was a sore loser. He took some cheap shots– exposed some things to our parents that shifted and broke those relationships,” I paused, shaking my head. “But somehow we made it through all of that. And then one night Bobby saw how crappy his parents treated us, and he was coming home…there was a patch of ice. I lost everything that night.” My lips shook, tears gliding over them as I locked eyes with West. “I always thought Adam was the one. That we made each other better, but we never did. We destroyed each other. And when Bobby died, there was nothing to hold us together. Adam became a drunk, and I just faded until I couldn’t take it anymore. Tara was collateral damage. She thought I was awful for leaving, and I believed her. But she’s wrong. For once in my life, I feel like I’m enough.”

West’s jaw clenched, and his eyes looked passed me as a tear dripped down the curve of his nose, and I reached up to push it away. My chest tightened painfully as I waited for any response. When his eyes came back to mine, he finally spoke, “I don’t want my pain to change whatever is going to happen. Your heart is yours. When you make your decision, I want it to be yours without the weight of mine. I never want my heart to weigh you down like his has.”

“My decision?” I asked, and my voice was barely audible.

He put his hands on either side of my face, and he ran his tongue over his dry lips before replying, “Him or me.”

“There’s no decision to make.”

“You won’t be able to leave things like you did, River. You’ll need some closure…from one of us,” he said, and the tears weighed his lashes down.

“I won’t let you drown,” I said as I put my hands behind his neck and his forehead dipped to mine. “No matter what.”

He took a shaky breath. “I was engaged once…I was in love and stupid…God, was I stupid. Twenty-two wasn’t a good age for me. I drank too much…and one day we paid the price. We slammed right into the tree. Sophia died on impact. I haven’t gotten drunk since then– a drink here or there, but nothing like that. Art was my way out. I buried my pain with every tattoo I got– and then with every one I gave. But it was always on the edge threatening to drag me down.”

“Until?”

West’s eyes locked on me. “Until now. But River, I don’t want you to drown for me. Never do that.”

“You’re the reason I’m not drowning,” I whispered. “I thought I needed Adam to find me.” West’s eyes dropped, and I leaned up on my toes to press my forehead to his. His eyes rose back to mine. “But I needed to find myself, and I have. I’m not leaving.”

West’s hands came up to my face, cupping it as his lips met mine. The kissed deepened as the walls we formed around our hearts fell. My lips slid from his, down his chin to his collarbone and his head tipped back as he gasped. He let his hands fall to my ass, where he lifted me, parting my legs around his waist. I continued kissing across his tattoos as he made his way up the deck and back into the house. He put me on the table to lift my shirt over my head, and his head ducked down, kissing my chest as his hands worked the clasp of my bra and it came away. I put my hand under his chin and tilted his mouth back up to mine, pulling our bare skin together. His warmth spread over me, and my lips parted, a moan drifting from the pleasure of his skin against mine. West pulled me back into him, his arm muscles tensing under my hands as he lifted me back up. He managed to get past the sleeping dogs without waking them and stopped at the stairs. His kisses slowed as his eyes opened to look up them. He was strong, but walking up a flight of stairs caring me and making out was dangerous. I smiled, sliding down his body and intertwining our fingers as I led him up to the bedroom. I closed the door behind us, and his bare chest heaved as he put his forearms on either side of my head. I tilted my face to his arm, running kisses over his tattoos and leaving a trail of goosebumps as I made my way up to his lips. His head tipped back.