Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (17 page)

I didn’t know where Adam was, and he didn’t have any idea where I was. At week three he stopped leaving notes under the magnet. Maybe he figured I’d ask if I needed to know, or I should be aware by now since he put the same thing on it every time.

“Are you sure about this?” Dad asked as we pulled up to the condo complex. We were thirty minutes outside the city and only an hour away from my parent’s house.

I leaned my head against the glass of the passenger seat window, shaking my head as I looked up at the end unit exactly in my price range and perfect from the pictures. My response came in the form of a whisper, “No.”

Dad squeezed my knee. “It’s an excellent location.”

I chewed my lip as I looked over at him. “Thank you for supporting me even though you think this is a shitty idea.”

“No,” Dad said as he turned off the car and faced me. “I didn’t say it was a shitty idea, or that you were wrong. I just said that you’ll be lost without him.”

I closed my eyes as I exhaled. “I’m already so lost…and alone.”

Dad reached up and rubbed my cheek. “I know, Ducks, but look on the bright side, this is a great location and it’s still close to the city– and closer to me.”

I opened my eyes and looked up at the pale blue townhouse with white trim and the perfect little pathway leading up to the door. “It is cute from the outside at least.”

Dad nodded forward. “Ready to see if the rest of it is as cute as the pictures?”

My eyes moved to the bay window– the perfect place for me to read a book with a little puppy in my lap. The weight I always felt on my chest lifted, and I felt my pulse rising. “Yeah, I think I am.”

The inside of the home was just as cute as the outside, and it felt like home. It was open, much like the apartment and had clean, crisp white trim and dark cherry floors, or at least something that looked like it. The kitchen was open to the living area, and there was a little deck off the back. Off the kitchen was a bedroom I could make into an office while the master bedroom and bath were upstairs next to what I’d make into a guest room– not that I’d have any. The smile grew on my face as I passed from room to room and thoughts of what I could put in each room ran through my mind, along with the tantalizing idea of having a puppy. I glanced up at Dad, and he nodded. His smile was as sad as it was happy; like he was caught in between both feelings. I looked out to the backyard, where a tree house rested in the large oak at the end of the fenced in area, and my stomach sank with memories.

The realtor peeked her head back in the front door. “So what do you think?”

My gaze met Dad’s again as I replied, “I love it.”

The woman came the rest of the way in the door with paperwork in her hands. “That’s what I thought you might say.”

My breath caught in my throat as I realized what the paperwork must be. I felt my stomach tense as my eyes darted from her hands to Dad and then outside to that tree house. Adam and I used to escape to a tree house, and now I was escaping
without
him.

“Are you thinking about an offer?” she asked as she placed the paperwork on the island separating the kitchen and the living area. My face paled, and she titled her head. “How about this–you take the night to think about it, and I’ll give you instructions on how to fill how the paperwork if you want to move forward. You’ll just need to sign and scan it into me. I can handle the rest from there. You said you were pre-approved, right?”

I swallowed as Dad’s body stiffened next to me. I hadn’t mentioned that to him. The banker that deposited my huge check asked me if I had any plans for the money, and when I mentioned buying a home, she convinced me it wouldn’t hurt to figure out what I could afford. It didn’t help she managed to show me I’d be paying almost the same amount owning a home as when I was renting.

“Yeah,” I replied.

Dad squeezed my shoulder. “That’s my girl, always being prepared for anything.”

I smiled up at him before turning to the realtor. “So how do I fill this stuff out?”

She explained each section and then Dad, and I drove back the commuter lot in silence. Only when he parked did he speak. “Probably a good idea to look at a few different places.”

I nodded, looking down at the paperwork in my lap. It was exactly what I wanted and the right price.

“It felt like home,” I replied, and my voice cracked. “Except for one thing.”

Dad pulled me into a hug, kissing the top of my head. “Does your apartment feel like home?”

I glanced up at him, and my pulse quickened at the question. Did it?

When I arrived at my empty apartment and found no note or text messages indicating when Adam would be home, I realized the answer.

I didn’t have a home. I cried myself to sleep after scanning in the paperwork.

The days following my offer on the condo passed in the same fashion they always did, except I stopped coming home on time. It didn’t matter when I got home because Adam was never there, but I still couldn’t work past seven. I figured if I pressed it too much Jesse would restrict my hours further, so I made sure to leave by six. By six thirty I had nothing to do. I dropped onto the couch and my eyes settled on the bookshelf now overflowing with books. I stared at the titles until I made up my mind on which one would be next. I picked up the pretty purple book with a young girl in period dress holding a pair of scissors like a weapon and smiled to myself as I flipped it over to read the description. It looked like it would be amusing, and right now, I needed that–something to make me smile. I went into the kitchen to brew myself a cup of tea, one hand with the book open and the other doing the tasks it took to make the warm liquid. As I put the pot on the stove, I heard a faint buzzing noise coming from my purse on the entryway table. My heart beat sped up as I put the book down and rushed over to my purse.

What if something was wrong with Adam? My stomach twisted as I fumbled with the purse and pulled out my cell phone to look at the screen. It wasn’t Adam, but the name made it hard to breathe.

I almost forgot.

“Hello?” I answered, and my fingernail found the side of my mouth as I looked up at the ceiling.

“Hi River, it’s Suzie. I have some great news — they accepted your offer.”

My jaw slackened as I took in a mouthful of air. My vision darkened at the edges, and I leaned back against the wall, tipping my head back again to look at the tiles on the ceiling.

“Really?” I asked, and my voice was faint.

Suzie took my lack-luster response as shock, and her voice was overly cheerful as she answered, “Yes, isn’t it great? I have your lender’s information, so I’ll reach out to them to schedule your appraisal and home inspection. Once those are complete you’ll need to work with the bank and get your home owner’s insurance in place.”

I stuttered as I replied, “Okay.”

“Talk soon!” Suzie ended the call, and I found myself staring vacantly down at the screen.

I walked back to the stove in what felt like slow motion, turning off the burner and pulling the pot off it before walking back over to my purse. My brain was on autopilot. I needed to know where Adam was. I needed something to tell me this wasn’t the right thing to do. My body rushed cold as I put my hand on the doorknob and pulled the door open. Our new neighbor was just going into her apartment with her boyfriend. She gave me a soft smile as she closed the door behind them. I stared at the closed door for a moment before making my way down the stairs and to my car. When I got there, I realized I didn’t know where the hell to go.  I ran my hand through my hair as I stared down at my phone. I doubted Adam would pick up if I called. He was either getting loaded, with the guys, playing a set or all three. I bit my lip as I typed in the words
Fade Burn
into the search bar. All sorts of social media pages came up, and I realized Adam must have done all of it. I clicked on the last tweet. It said they were playing at Friday Night Fever, a popular concert venue in the city. I wasn’t sure how they lined it up, but the show didn’t start for another forty-five minutes. It was just enough time to get there to watch the show– if that was what I was doing. I kept the radio off as I drove without thinking. The wind whipped my hair around my face, warm with the fresh summer air. It was summer, and a part of me couldn’t believe the length of time that passed since Bobby died, or since Tara woke from her coma. We hadn’t spoken for weeks, even though she was now back to work part time. She avoided me better than I thought possible, and she wouldn’t respond to my text messages or voice mails. A thin layer of sweat built on my neck.

What if she was here? Did she know where he was when I didn’t?

My stomach rolled with nausea as I drove up to the venue. It was slammed, and I realized I might not get a ticket. As I stood in line, I bounced on my feet, ringing my hands in front of me.

“River?” Mark’s voice broke through my scattered thoughts, and I jumped as I looked up. He tilted his head at me. “I didn’t realize you’d be here.”

I glanced over his shoulder, and he shook his head before nodding to the entrance. “He’s already inside. I was just grabbing my cell phone. I left it in the van by accident.”

I nodded as a shaky breath rattled over my lips. “Can you not mention that I’m here?”

Mark’s thick eyebrows drew over his eyes. “He’s going to notice you’re here.”

I glanced at the line in front of me, and then the one already twice as long behind me. “I doubt it.”

Mark’s tongue pushed into the corner of his cheek before he replied, “He’ll feel you.”

The idea made me scoff–as if Adam felt anything about me anymore. If he did, he would know I was thinking about leaving.

“We’ll see,” I replied, trying to give him a smile instead of standing looking like a total bitch. “It’s good to see you.”

Mark started to walk away, but stopped mid-stride and turned back to look at me. His eyes locked on my own. “He’s always straight for the show…but after…I can’t promise anything.”

I bit my lip as I nodded, tears threatening the edges of my vision. He sighed before turning and heading to the entrance. He stopped at the ticket stand and pointed at me in the crowd. The guy nodded and Mark tossed me a weak smile before going inside. When I came up to the booth, he slid me a ticket. “You’re all set.”

I seemed to have lost the power of words and nodded without thanking the guy and headed inside. The ticket wasn’t for a seat. It was just admittance in and re-admittance if you left for any reason. When I got inside a hostess asked me if I wanted to be on the floor or a table.

“Table,” I replied, and she led the way to one.

“Are you waiting for anyone else?” she asked, giving me a smile as I took a seat at the table she stopped at. I shook my head, and her smile faded a bit. “They’ll be waitresses taking orders for the bar wandering around. If you’re interested, just flag one down or go over to the bar. You won’t lose your seat since we mark it as filled. You can also go on the floor if you’d like, but I wouldn’t recommend it with this band. They’ll be moshing.”

I blinked in response, and she turned back around as I tried to mold myself into the wall. When Adam came onto the stage, I felt myself swallow. He wasn’t paying attention to the crowd but instead went to tune his bass. I breathed out a bit, leaning forward on my arms as the rest of the band took the stage. Mark’s eyes drifted over to me, and I looked down at my hands. When my eyes came back up, he tugged on his beard before twirling the drumsticks in his hands. My eyes moved to Joe, also tuning his guitar and then out to the growing crowd. Even if I wanted to be on the floor, I wouldn’t have much of a shot. There was barely any room for the waitresses who navigated through the crowd with red cups. For a moment I thought of flagging one of them down, but before I could Adam’s voice rang through the room and any thought of alcohol vanished with the twisting of my stomach.

“Welcome everyone. We hope you enjoy the show! This first song is new. It’s called Fading,” Adam said, and I found myself pushing back against the wall as the heavy rift began. Adam’s hand settle on the top of the microphone, and his voice came through smooth as he started singing.

I tried

I tried to hang on tight

But you’re fading

He pulled away from the microphone and then came back screaming.

Fading from my sight

His voice faded into singing again.

I just want to feel you again

Your skin against mine

But there’s nothing I can do

You’re fading

The scream returned and this time, it held longer than the last.

Fading from my sight

No matter how I try

I can’t hang on tight

I swallowed as the guitar riff in the background deepened, and something inside Adam clicked with me. His eyes rose to mine, and his fingers tightened until his knuckles went white against the microphone. His voice was faint as he continued singing, closing his eyes.

I close my eyes

Try to bring you back into the light

But you’re not by my side

The beat softened, and he pulled away, slapping at the bass before his lips pressed against the microphone once more.

This is the hardest part

You’re a part of me

I’m fading

I’m fading inside

He shook his head, and the beat pulled back in, strong and as angry as the scream that came out of his lips.

I try to hang on tight

But there’s nothing left

When you’re fading from sight

My whole body trembled, becoming numb from the words. He knew. He knew I was thinking about leaving, and he wasn’t trying to stop me. I didn’t know what was worse– thinking he didn’t know or knowing he did. Tears blurred my vision as his voice turned soft again.

I just want to feel you again

Your skin against mine

But there’s nothing I can do

You’re fading

Fading from my sight

No matter how I try

I can’t hang on tight

Everything is fading

The crowd tightened, moving closer to the stage and surging as Adam’s voice roughened into a growl.

Fading into the darkness of this night

No matter how I try

I can’t hang on tight

When the song ended, I wanted to flag down the waitress more than before, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to drive home in the state I was already in. I leaned forward, putting my head in my hands as the next song played. This time, my brain didn’t comprehend the meaning or the words.

I was numb– so numb to everything as the words played over and over in my mind despite the noise and craziness around me.
You’re fading from my sight. No matter how I try.

He wasn’t trying. He was giving up. My stomach rolled and my hands sunk further, clasping chunks of my hair. That’s what I’d done, wasn’t it? But only because he wasn’t trying. A familiar cough brought me out of my thoughts, and as my eyes adjusted I realized the crowd in the room was thinning, and Adam wasn’t on stage anymore. He stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets and his tongue ran over his lips as he inhaled, chest rising to his chin.

“What are you doing here, Riv?” he asked, and his voice was soft like his singing.

“I don’t know. I never know where you are, so I decided it was a good time for me to figure that out,” I replied, and he looked down at the ground nodding.

His lips pursed out before he rubbed the back of his neck. “You think that’s it?”

“What?”

His eyes locked on mine. “The reason you came.”

Tears blurred my vision again, and I swallowed hard against the thickening of my throat. “No.”

“Then why?” he asked, his voice hard.

“I wanted a reason to stay, but you’ve already given up,” I said, my voice faint against the crowd behind us. I looked passed him and then let my eyes concentrate on his. His lips were in a thin line and when he didn’t reply I continued, “Please give me a reason to stay, Adam.”

“Why? You’re not happy,” Adam replied, and I felt my chin tremble as it tucked back into my neck in surprise. My body flushed hot and cold as I blinked at him.

“You’re not going to change are you?” I whispered.

“Change what? This? I need to do something, River. I can’t just sit at home.”

I bit the inside of my lip, feeling my nostrils flare as I stared back at him. “You want me to leave?”

He stepped forward, shaking his head. “No…but I can’t give you a reason to stay.”

“Why don’t you come home some nights?” I asked, and I watched as his neck went red up to his ears. “Because you’re too drunk?”

His lips twitched, along with his body. “Kind of comes with the territory.”

The bitter laugh passed over my lips before I could stop it, along with the harsh words that followed. “Yeah, of course, you’d have to be a fucking drunk– you’re a rock star now.”

Adam’s eyes turned hard. “I’m not going to change, River. If you want to hear me say I’m going to– I’m not. I can’t.”

My eyes moved passed him to the stage, and my whole body trembled as I stepped forward to look up into his face. The tears streamed down my face. “You say you’re trying. You keep saying you’re trying. But I think you’ve given up.”

He licked his lips, closing his eyes as he lowered his face to mine. “Haven’t you, River?”

His hand reached up to catch a tear, and my face moved into the feeling of his callused hands.

“Not on you,” I whispered. “I’ll never give up on you…I love you, Adam…always. But I don’t think we’re good for each other anymore. I feel like I’m the one breaking you because I’m not strong enough.”

His eyes faded as he swallowed. “I’ll stay with Mark for a few days.”

 “That’s it?” I asked, my voice cracking.

Adam shrugged before pulling me into this arms. “I get it, River.”

He kissed my head before turning and going back onto the stage and disappearing into the back. My eyes went to the ceiling as waves of emotion rolled over me. It shouldn’t have been that easy. I headed towards the exit, turning as I reached it. Adam looked at me as he stood with the band, guitar case in hand. Our eyes locked, and my lips moved without any words coming out,
find me.

I was too hopeless in my grief to save him from his. We’d broken one another when we should’ve held each other together– but wasn’t that what we always did?