Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (12 page)

Sunday, April 24.

Four months, twenty-two days since Bobby left us. Fourteen weeks since Tara woke and began her recovery. Her post-traumatic amnesia was near its end according to the doctors. She was walking and aware of the fact she was in an accident. For the most part, she was ready to go home. There was just one thing keeping that back. She still didn’t remember what happened to Bobby, and the doctors, along with her parents feared when the memory came back what would happen. She still needed twenty-four by seven watch just in case, and her parents worked full-time jobs. I stood next to the door, watching as Tara’s mom talked to her. They sat next to the window, and I cocked my head as I looked at the way the sun slowly kissed Tara’s skin slightly darker. She looked more alive now, her red-lipsticked lips curved into a soft smile as she laughed at something her mom said. I waved as Tara’s mom saw me.

“I just need to talk to River for a second, okay?” she said to Tara, who winked at me before looking back out the window.

“How’s she doing?” I asked as Becky shut the door behind us.

Becky’s chest rose against her crossed arms as she took a deep breath. “I’d love to get her home, but she’s started to have night terrors. She refused to tell the doctors what it’s about.”

I nodded as my mind drifted to the day she suddenly began sobbing in my arms. “Do you think it’s because she’s starting to remember what happened?”

She swallowed, reaching out and squeezing my arm. “Yes, and I need your help.”

My body tensed as my eyes met hers, soft lines drifting from the edges of them. “I need you to tell her.”

I held my chin up. “How?”

“When she asks, tell her. She’s been getting better about it when we tell her, but we all need to be on the same page on this. I know it hurts for you to talk about it, but she needs to have things repeated.”

I swallowed looking through the glass pane to Tara.

“I’ll be with you–just in case anything happens,” Becky said, and my eyes came back to hers. I nodded. If Tara needed me to do this for her, I would. A part of me wondered if I needed to do it for myself too.

I took a deep breath before going in the door. “Hey girl.”

“River!” Tara said, standing and pulling me into her arms. “What was my mom telling you?”

I looked over my shoulder as Becky sat down on the bed, giving me a soft nod.

I shrugged. “Telling me how feisty you’re getting being stuck in here.”

Tara wiggled her eyebrows. “Let’s go for a walk outside in the garden?”

Tara looked over at Becky, who nodded and stood to lead the way. Tara linked her arm into mine, and we walked slightly behind Becky.

“So how’s Adam?” Tara asked. “He seemed a little bit out of it the last time he called.”

Now was the time for truth. “He’s struggling with everything. He’s been drinking a lot–but he won’t admit he has a problem.”

Tara stopped, and her eyes searched my face. “Why is he drinking? And what does Bobby think about all this?”

I looked down at her arm linked in mine and put my hand over it. “Tara…” I began, swallowing as the tears pricked in my eyes. I let my gaze drift up to hers. Her jaw dropped slightly, her tongue running over her lips as she waited for my answer. “Bobby’s dead.”

I watched her eyes widened, fading into the depths of her memory as her arm tightened on me. My skin rushed with uncomfortable tingles, making my skin unbearable in its tightness as I added, “He died in the accident.”

Her body began to tremble, and I turned to face her fully, placing my hands on her shoulders. Becky stepped forward, and I shot her a look, hoping it said I had this under control, before speaking to Tara again, “Tara–are you okay?”

She blinked fast as she rocked on her feet. Her head began to shake back and forth before her eyes snapped back up to mine. “I remember.”

I breathed in, cocking my head at her. “That’s why Adam won’t come to see you.”

She nodded, putting her hands on my wrists. “How long has Adam been drinking?”

“Since the day it happened…I called him on it, and he’s been trying to stay up with me, but I can see him shaking. Yesterday was my day with my dad and Adam didn’t get home until after I was asleep. When I woke up this morning he smelled like booze,” I replied, and Tara began to walk towards the gardens again. We walked out into the sunlight without saying anything else. The snow was gone, reminding me Bobby’s birthday was only a few weeks away.

It was one he’d never see. I glanced back at Tara.

“I don’t know how I’m going to go back to the apartment,” she finally said, sitting down on a bench by the walkway.

“I’ve been cleaning it out for you. I hope you don’t mind– Bobby’s parents asked me to,” I explained, watching her face and body carefully.

Her jaw tightened as she nodded. “Bobby’s–?”

“Gone.”

Tara nodded. “I keep having these dreams–and they’re so real.”

I pulled my lower lip into my mouth as I leaned forward. “Me too.”

“What does he say to you?” she asked, and her eyes locked on mine.

My stomach rolled as I thought about the perverted, very Bobby-like comment about my shorts. I figured it was best to leave that out. “He only came once…told me everything would work itself out.” I felt my jaw tightening and loosening in my subconscious unease. I looked down at my sneakers. “I wish he’d come back again…” I lowered my voice.  “I know it’s crazy, Tara, but it felt like it
really
was him.”

She blinked hard, and I knew the memory of what we were talking about was gone. “I’m pissed at Bobby. I mean why the hell hasn’t he come to see me in a week. It’s bullshit.”

I put my head in my hands, looking at Becky sitting in the chair across from us. She nodded for me to start again.

I turned to face her, taking her hands in mine. This time, I didn’t look at her as I answered, “Tara, Bobby would if he could–but it’s just not possible–“

“Why not?” she said, yanking her hands away.

I looked at mine, now empty and blew out a few short breaths as my head spun. “Because he’s dead.”

Tara made a whining sound, pulling her legs into her chest as she rocked. How many times would I have to say it?

Dead. DEAD.
Dead
.

I couldn’t do it. I stood, trembling as the tears raced down my face. Becky stood too, looking between her daughter and me. Both of us were sobbing, and she looked torn. I bit my lip before I wiped the tears away.

“River, please,” Becky began, but I shook my head.

“I’m sorry I can’t do this.”

“No one should have to fight this alone,” Becky replied, reaching for me.

I shook my head and then ran back to the door. When I reached it, I looked over my shoulder. Becky was sitting where I had been, and Tara was in her lap, like a small child, wrapped in her arms.

Tara wasn’t alone.

My jaw clenched, but I sure as hell was.

I looked up the length of the stairs and breathed in through my nose before tripping on the first step as I made my way up.
One step at a time
I repeated over and over again in my head. Eventually, I would make it up. I wasn’t sure if my mind was referring to the stairs that I kept tripping on or my life. I knew I shouldn’t have run out on Tara and Becky like that, but I couldn’t take watching my best friend go through the phases of grief again and again when I could barely do it myself. Halfway up the stairs felt like it took an inordinate amount of time, and I found myself wondering why I didn’t just take the elevator. I sighed as I pushed forward. 
One step at a time.
When I reached the top of the steps Adam was leaning against the door frame, his foot perched at an angle with his hair tussled into a faux hawk. His eyes met mine, and they were clear– for once I saw Adam staring back at me, not the hollow shell he’d become. My stomach jumped as I blinked at him.

He stepped forward with a smile and pulled me into his arms. His words were muffled by my hair as he said, “I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately…”

“I know I haven’t been the best girlfriend either,” I replied, and my voice cracked.

He held me out at arm’s length, eyes searching my face as he cupped my cheek with his hand. “No…it’s not the same, no matter what I say.” His eyes shut as his chest rose with a shaky breath. “I feel like I’ve lost every part of me…there’s nothing left but the parts I’ve given to you,” he said, and his eyes opened. “I need you to hold those pieces together. Please don’t forget who I was…otherwise there really will be nothing left.”

I nodded but didn’t speak. I wanted to tell him it was the same for me, but if neither of us could hold the other together, what was left?

The smile returned to his face, and he cracked open the apartment door. It was dark, and I narrowed my eyes at him as my heart began to race. His eyes teased me as he nodded over his shoulder for me to go in. I bit my lower lip before following him, and he slipped his hand into mine to lead me to the bedroom. When he opened the door, my mouth dropped. I stepped into our bedroom silhouetted in a beautiful glow from Mason jars scattered along the shelves, floor, and dressers.

“Fireflies are fairies that grant wishes,” I said as my eyes raced across the room and my body began to tremble.

Adam wrapped his arms around me, steadying my body against his. “Glow sticks and glitter,” he replied, his breath washing over the bare skin of my neck.

I squeezed my eyes shut, kissing his forearm before turning to face him. Adam’s hands went to my face, and his thumbs collected my tears as I stared up at him with my pulse pounding in my ears. “You’re still in there…why do you keep hiding it with booze?”

Adam’s thumbs froze, and I watched as his eyes went from soft to hard. I had no clue what he was thinking, and as the seconds ticked by it became apparent he wasn’t going to tell me.

“I’m trying, River. Can’t you see that?” he finally replied, and his eyes slipped from mine as if he were ashamed.

I took a trembling breath. “I know.”

His thumbs traced circles on my cheeks, but he didn’t look back up at me.

“Say something,” I said as I placed my hands on either side of his neck.

His gaze slowly rose to mine, and his eyes flashed over my face. “I know it’s not the same, Riv–but
you’re
not dealing with your pain either.”

I couldn’t breathe as I looked at his eyes, his words cutting into me. I pulled away to sit on the bed, and the glowing room spun with his honesty. He knew I was struggling, yet he kept drowning himself in booze and leaving me alone. I closed my eyes as I fought the wave of nausea that came over me. That wasn’t it, and I knew it.

Adam’s hands wrapped around mine, and I opened my eyes to see him kneeling in front of me. “I’m sorry, River. This was supposed to be romantic.”

I licked my lips as I looked around the room–at the effort, he made to try to make things better.

“It’s beautiful,” I said as I let my forehead fall to his. “Thank you.”

“I wish they could grant your wishes,” he replied, and his hands ran up my arms, across my shoulders, up my neck and cupped my face, leaving a trail of goosebumps at the softness of his touch.

“Tonight they granted at least one wish.” I lowered my head, so our lips drifted over one another. “I love you, Adam, no matter how lost you are…or I am…I will only ever love you.”

Adam’s body slide over mine, his fingers tangling with my own over my head as his lips drifted from my lips down my neck and to my collarbone. My body shivered as his fingertips moved over the sensitive skin of my arms and then up my sides as he slipped my shirt over my head. I wrapped my legs around his waist as I pulled his shirt over his head and then pushed our bodies together. Our lips locked again as his hands went up my spine to the back of my bra, and it slipped down my arms to the floor with the rest of our discarded clothing.

Talking didn’t work for Adam and me, but this did.

The next day kicked my ass. I couldn’t concentrate. I screwed up during a meeting, and I felt like an idiot when Jesse corrected me. He assured me afterwards that it was fine, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being incompetent. I parked my car, yanking out the key with a bit too much force and sent it skittering across the passenger seat as I stared at the empty spot where Adam’s car should’ve been. I finally looked away when my eyes stung with dryness. I needed him home to talk to– to really talk to. It seemed when he was sober we never actually had a conversation. Instead, our emotional instability led us right into the physical. While it was a way for us to share our emotions, it just wasn’t enough. I needed to voice what was going on aside from having to repeat
he’s dead
over and over again. I swallowed as I grabbed my keys and finally got out of the car. I wondered where Adam was as I made my way up the steps with my wedge heels scuffing against the ground as I went. I opened the door slowly, stepping inside and sliding my shoes off before going to the refrigerator to grab a water. There, held up by a heart shaped magnet, was a note from Adam.

Riv,

Went to play a game of pool with the boys and do a little rehearsing. Don’t wait up.

Love you,

Adam

I pulled the letter from the surface, sending the heart magnet across the room where it hit the side of the concrete counter and split in two before falling to the kitchen floor. Part of me wanted to go to every place with a pool table in the city to hunt him down, and the other part wanted to curl up in a ball in the bedroom and never come out. I would never find him, even if I tried.

I turned, looking around the empty apartment as I crumpled the letter in my hand before tossing it into the trash.

I had nothing better to do, so I grabbed the yellow pages from the door side table along with my keys and headed out to track my drunkard boyfriend down–to do what, I didn’t know. I didn’t know why the city still paid to send the yellow pages out, but I was grateful for it as I crossed off the seventh bar. I wasn’t sure I would be able to sift through each of the locations on my cell phone. My stomach growled as I looked down at the next bar on my list and then at the clock on the dash.

6:00 PM

I already spent two hours looking for him. There were just too many bars in the city, but it was keeping me occupied as my emotions shifted somewhere between burning pain and fiery rage. I breathed in through my nose; maybe I was going about this all wrong.

Who were the guys in his band again?

There were only two, Mark and Joe.

I grit my teeth. Why hadn’t I thought of them first?

Joe lived in an apartment, somewhere were a band rehearsing just wasn’t possible. Mark, on the other hand, had a house outside the city in Ashland. It was a long shot. After all, I had no clue if Adam was
actually
doing what he said he was, but it was better than searching through the many bars left in Boston, even with a forty-five-minute drive. As I merged onto the Mass Pike, my mind went into cruise control. Since my days at Boston College, I drove this way too many times to count to go to my parent’s house in Holliston before they moved to Connecticut. When I exited the highway, I lost myself in observing my surroundings. The houses were close together, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the city. I sighed as each house passed by, too expensive for me, even with a quarter million dollars sitting in my bank account. To get anywhere within my price range I would need to be at least an hour outside of Boston, and I wasn’t willing to drive that far to work every day. I felt my palms beginning to sweat as the miles drifted by, and I headed deeper into suburbia. What if Adam wasn’t there? I could keep driving, but where to? My parents house as a surprise visit?

I squeezed the steering wheel and my slippery palms squeaked against it. I didn’t want to see Mom. My heart pounded in my chest in tune with my turning signal as I waited for the traffic to clear to turn onto Mark’s road.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Maybe I should’ve kept searching bars. My stomach growled again, suddenly reminding me I was hungry—at least if I was at a bar, I could eat. My heart stopped as I looked up at the grey-blue cape and the white GLI parked in front of it.

I swallowed as I slowed to a stop. I hadn’t thought about what I was going to do if he was actually
here.
A lump rose in my throat as panic dotted the edge of my vision with sparks of stars.

What the fuck was I doing here?

Was I going to go in and yell at him? Tell him to grow up? Tell him I was lonely and he was selfish for leaving?

A car’s lights flashed behind me, turning onto the road. I needed to either go home or park. Seconds. Seconds to make a decision. I turned my blinker on and pulled in. I wiped my upper lip as I put the car in park. I was pretty sure it wasn’t
that
hot out, yet my insides were boiling. I stepped out of the car, and the cool breeze hit me, sinking into my skin and instantly cooling the sweat now accumulating on my forehead. I put one foot in front of the other, stopping at the front door, but my hand froze just as I was about to knock. I could hear laughter.

Adam’s laughter.

He was happy, and I was here. I squeezed my eyes shut before shoving my hands in my pockets and turning. Who was I to take that away? Halfway down the walkway I heard the door open behind me, and I froze.

“River?” Mark asked, quiet enough only those outside could hear.

I blinked as I stared at my car, ten feet away. I had been so close to escaping my stupidity, but Mark must have heard the car pull in. I turned on my heel, my shoulders reaching for my ears as I gave a forced smile.

“Hi?” I managed to say, and my voice squeaked from nerves.

Mark looked over his shoulder before closing the door behind him and sitting on the step. He looked up at me and nodded for me to sit down. I made my way back up the steps and sat next to him.

“So,” I began. “This is awkward.”

Mark chuckled to himself as he rubbed his overgrown beard. “More for you than me.”

“I’m not stalking Adam—”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

My head jerked as I looked over at him. “Do you know something I don’t know?”

Mark shook his head. “Adam wouldn’t cheat on you. I just don’t blame you for wondering where he is.”

“Is he drunk?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

Mark’s lips protruded as he replied, “Nah, he’s straight right now. He’s not stupid enough to drink and drive, and he knows I won’t drive his ass back to the city. I already drive there enough as it is for work. When we’re in the city, I can’t say the same. The kid never drank, until…well, you know.”

“How much does he drink with you guys?” I asked as I stared down at my hands in my lap.

Mark coughed, and I saw him scratch his chin from the corner of my eyes. “More than he used to.”

I swallowed, stretching my legs out and looking at the holes in my skinny jeans as my stomach rode the wave of his lack of information. It was a vague answer that couldn’t be veiled by his stiffened posture beside me.

“Oh,” I said, nodding. “Same at home.”

“So, how are you doing?” Mark asked, tilting his head at me with a soft smile. “Because I can imagine this shit is just eating you up alive…especially if you drove all the way here.”

“I don’t know,” I replied, tipping back and looking at the stars beginning to show in the darkening sky. It was the first time someone came out and actually asked how
I
was doing. The words came out in a slow, honest string. “Sometimes I’m just barely functioning…other times I’m just functioning on pain or anger.”

“Which one is tonight?”

“Started with pain, melted to anger and now…I’m right back to barely functioning,” I replied, propping my chin on my shoulder as I looked over at him. “You remember Tara?”

Mark’s brown eyes twinkled, and I watched as his pupils dilated. “Kind of hard to forget. Feisty and–” His voice drifted as he looked over at me raising an eyebrow. He coughed. “Uh…very attractive.”

“Yeah…well, she’s coming out of her amnesia state–and the doctors think it’s time to start telling her about Bobby. It’s the only way she’s going to get better,” I replied, chewing the inside of my lip as I looked down at my hands. “It’s killing me. I tried really hard to stay with her–to keep telling her. I just couldn’t.” I shook my head as my chest rose. “I shouldn’t be loading this off on you.”

Mark gave me a sad smile. “It’s fine. I get it. I’ve been watching Adam fight this internally the whole time.”

“He doesn’t talk about it?”

Mark looked ahead. “No, but I can tell when he’s thinking about it. Then I know he’s not too far away from a bottle.”

I knew exactly what Mark was talking about. I saw that look in his eyes as I left the apartment this morning, and a part of me was shocked he wasn’t somewhere drunk like I thought he would be. The other part of me wondered why he came here instead of talking to me. But then again, I didn’t understand much of what Adam was doing anymore.

“Why does he drink?” I asked. Maybe a guy would understand when I couldn’t.

Mark rubbed the back of his neck. “I suppose it numbs him.”

I pulled my knees to my chest. “I don’t have to drink to feel numb. I just look at him.”

“Don’t give up on him, River. Do what you have to,” his eyes locked on mine, and my breathing stopped; “but whatever happens; don’t
really
give up on him.”

“Do you think there’s anything that would snap him back?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at him.

He cringed, his eyes looking into the distance before they locked on mine. “I’m sure there’s at least one thing.”

I blinked at him as my stomach rolled. A part of me knew what he was inferring, but I shut it off as soon as the thought began to spool inside my brain.

“Right,” I replied.

Mark stood, holding out his hand. “It’s getting chilly out here. Why don’t you come in?”

“That’s fine; I’ll just head back,” I said as I let him help me up.

My stomach growled.

Mark cocked his head at me as he pushed, “I was just about to order us a few pizzas. I can get you a salad?”

I shook my head. “Pizza sounds perfect.”

“So you do eat!” Mark replied, eyebrows rising to his forehead as he opened the door and I followed him in. “Look who I found lurking in my driveway!”

Adam’s eyes rose from the pool table where he was leaning over and eyeing the corner pocket. His arm jerked involuntarily and sent the cue ball bouncing off the eight ball. In turn, it skittered across the green before bouncing back off the edge of the table and away from the pocket.

“River,” Adam said.

“Hey, I was bored, and…” I sucked in a breath of air, letting it stale in my lungs before I let it out with a weak laugh; “ended up here.”

He came around the table, and I stood frozen as I waited for him to whisper something harshly at me or ask me into the other room, but instead he pulled me into his arms and kissed my hair.

“I would’ve waited up if I’d known you’d want to come,” he said.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I hugged him, all of the numb parts of me melting into warm bliss.

“Sorry,” I whispered into his shoulder.

“Well, you’re here now.” My stomach growled, and he smirked down at me. “And Mark was supposed to be ordering pizza.”

“Should probably get some hot wings, too,” Joe said as Mark walked by rolling his eyes and punched a number into his phone.

“And bread sticks!” Adam called to his back.

“You paying?” Mark asked as he turned on his heel to stare at Adam.

“Why the hell not?” Adam replied with a smirk.

The guys laughed, and I found myself laughing too. We spent the rest of the night laughing just like that, and a part of me felt like maybe things could work themselves out if only Adam could find the will to be like this more of the time. When we finally got home it was past 11:00 PM, and I didn’t know how I typically stayed awake most of the night. I was exhausted.

“You going to make it?” Adam asked as he dropped his keys on the side table and turned to lock the door.

I shook my head as my shoulders slumped and I dragged my feet as I walked across the living room to the bedroom.

“You’re normally still up at this time,” Adam said as I stripped down and pulled on a baggy t-shirt before crawling into bed.  He smirked as he watched me.” Not even going to brush your teeth?”

I shook my head, groaning as I pulled the sheets up to my chin and sighed.

Adam’s nose wrinkled as he stripped down to his boxers and then pointed at me as I looked at him with one eye open. “I’m not kissing you in the morning.”

I huffed, closing my other eye as he climbed into bed beside me.

“Not even going to brush your teeth?” I mumbled as he wrapped his arm around me.

His laughter sent his warm breath washing over my skin, and my chest rose with a happy sigh.

“So,” Adam whispered into my ear; “what did you and Mark talk about outside?”

My eyes shot open, far less asleep than a moment ago and I felt Adam’s breathing stop as he waited for my answer.

“Nothing,” I replied, and my throat felt raw with the lie.

“Nothing?” he repeated, his lips hovering over my bare arm.

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. “He just wanted to know how Tara was doing.”

“Ah, yes. He’s always had a thing for her,” Adam said as he kissed my shoulder.

“I could tell,” I replied, trying to ignore the stabbing in my chest that said she
has a boyfriend
, because she didn’t.

“Thank you,” Adam’s soft whisper broke my train of thought, and I found myself turning into his arms to face him.

“For what?” I asked, my eyes racing over his face.

His hand reached up, and his fingers traced the shape of my chin as he looked at me. “For coming and checking on me.”

I looked down at our chests rising into one another with each breath we took. “I’m sorry I felt the need to find you. I know it was craz—”

His thumb stopped me from continuing as it pressed into my lips, and he tilted my chin back up to look at him. “I know I’m pretty fucked up, Riv. You don’t need to lie. You thought I was getting cocked.”