Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (14 page)

Go to sleep alone.

Wake up alone. 

It was starting to become a pattern, and I had nothing better to do than to work away my thoughts. Even though sometimes at work I couldn’t arrange my thoughts coherently because my brain was so fogged with worry. Being alone so much also meant I had no idea where Adam was– if he was working or when he was working, and I didn’t have the strength to go passed the school and see. The photo shoot I did in the morning should’ve brought me right passed there, but instead, I took the long way around– to the tune of twenty extra minutes just to avoid knowing.

Not knowing was so much better. Back at work, I flicked through the photographs, happy my mental state wasn’t showing through in my job– if anything I’d gotten better. I smiled at that thought. I was awful at relationships, but I knew how to do branding. Probably because when I avoided relationships I was working. I felt Jesse’s presence behind me before he announced he was there.

“Hey you,” Jesse greeted me from my door.

I looked over my shoulder and smiled at him. “Hey, come on in.”

“So how was Tara?” Jesse asked as he sat down in front of me, putting his ankle on top of his knee and tapping his leg with his fingers as he waited for my answer.

I looked down at the notes in front of me, narrowing my eyes at them as the words presented themselves in incoherent swirls of ink across the page. Jesse coughed, and my head shot up.

“Good–Good, better than most of us would be after realizing someone you loved died months ago,” I replied. “She’s determined to move on.”

Jesse’s hands smoothed the slacks beneath them as he nodded, keeping his eyes on me. “Does that upset you?”

I ran my hands over the bare skin of my collarbone as my body became too hot for the light sweater I was wearing. “It’s good for her.”

“She has something to distract her. I’m sure she misses him just as much as Adam and you,” Jesse replied, cocking his head at me. “Speaking of distractions– I have a proposition for you.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, glad for a change in subject. “The last time you said that I ended up with a credit card and a new job title,” I said with a smile. “Keep talking.”

“You’re a stellar branding expert…
and
an amazing photographer. The quality we get from you is fabulous.”

“Thank you?” I replied, questioning the silent
but
at the end of the sentence.

“So I have a friend getting married…and they need a photographer. I thought you might be interested?”

I stared at him without blinking for a moment before I realized my mouth was hanging open. “Really? I mean, I have no experience with like live action shots.”

Jesse rubbed his chin as he looked at me. “I’ve seen your style of shooting — you try to make it live action. I think you’ll be just fine. So are you in?”

My eyes fell back down to the pad of paper, and I found myself rubbing my temples. A wedding wasn’t something I ever thought about doing, and Adam and I didn’t need any extra money. My chest tightened as I thought about Adam. It was something I should discuss with him, but what would it matter anyway? It would probably be on a Saturday when he was busy getting wasted with his friends, or playing music.

I inhaled, looking up at Jesse and smiled. “Yeah, that would be amazing. When is it?”

Jesse scratched his sideburns, pulling his lips into his mouth before replying, “Three Saturdays from now.”

My eyes widened. “A little last minute?”

“Some people just get ideas into their heads and run with it,” he said as he leaned forward and reached for my pad of paper. “May I?”

I pushed it in his direction with a pen. He wrote down a name and a number.

“Give Anna a call. You guys can discuss details.”

I nodded as he handed the paper back. “Aren’t you worried?”

Jesse cocked his head at me. “That you’ll love wedding photography so much you’ll leave me?”

It might have been written all over my face, and I felt my cheeks burn as he laughed. “Oh, I have ulterior motives.”

With that he stood and left the room, leaving me staring at the chair swaying slowly from the absence of his presence. I looked down at the number before picking up my phone and dialing.

“Hello,” the unfamiliar feminine voice at the other end answered.

“Hi, Anna?”

“This is she.”

“My name is River; Jesse gave me your number. He said you were looking for a photographer for your wedding?”

“Oh my gosh! Thank goodness– then you’re interested?” the woman’s voice was high pitched in her excitement, and for a moment, I was caught off guard by the warm feeling building in my stomach. I almost forgot what it felt like.

“Yes, I’d love the opportunity.”

“You’re a God send, can you meet for coffee around two?”

We made arrangements, and I hung up the phone wondering what the hell I was doing. I looked across the room at the empty vase that used to contain flowers from months before. That feeling in my belly returned, and I realized I was filling that void with work…and more work.

Maybe this kind of photography wouldn’t feel like work? Maybe I could find the part of me I’d lost in it– if only I could figure out exactly what that piece was.

I tried not to act shocked when I got home that night, and Adam was already cooking dinner. He even stayed up to watch television with me after. I stared up at him as we lay on the couch, and my chest tightened. I knew I should tell him about the wedding in just a few weeks, but I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to it. I snuggled tighter into him, fighting the nagging feeling in my stomach. He would be okay with it–why wouldn’t he? I didn’t question when his music gigs were. Plus, it was an extra $2,000 in our pocket. My eyes moved to the locked drawer in the door side table. There was another $250,000 sitting in there with his name on it. I rolled over, turning my eyes to the Boston Red Sox game. I tried to concentrate on what was going on, but baseball never really seemed to have anything going on. It was more like a requirement to watch it and know what happened when you lived in Boston.

Tell him.
The thought fluttered in my mind before my eyes closed.

I fell asleep that night, which was an excuse for not having mentioned it–but the following day I didn’t either.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it when Adam was acting normally– not that I could’ve if he weren’t. Saturday came, and for once Adam let me know what he was doing. Fade Burn was playing at a local spot downtown, and Adam wanted me to go.

Two weeks, River.
I forced a smile on my face as I handed Adam his bass guitar, and he slid it across the back seat.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I buckled my seat belt. “So I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”

“Oh, yeah?” Adam asked, putting the car into gear and backing up. “And what’s that?”

I wove my fingers together and moved them back and forth. “Jesse referred me to one of his friends who’s having a wedding…”

“To do what?”

“Do their photographs.”

I watched Adam out of the corner of my eyes. His face paled, and his eyes set hard on the road.

“Adam?”

“And you said you would?” he asked, and his dark tone slammed into me.

My chest tightened. “Yes.”

He nodded as he looked in his rear view mirror and then back at the road in front of him. We sat in silence for a moment before he finally spoke, “So, any reason you didn’t ask me about it?”

I sunk in the seat, crossing my arms over my stomach. “I didn’t realize I needed to get your permission?”

“You don’t need my permission,” Adam replied. “It just would’ve been nice if you’d at least asked what I thought about the whole thing.”

I put my hands up, my palms facing the ceiling as my chin stuck out. “Extra money?”

“Are we hurting for money and I don’t know about it?” Adam asked, and the leather steering wheel squeaked as his hands grasped it.

I sunk deeper into the seat, swallowing the lump forming in my throat as I wished I could vanish into the black leather. “No.”

“Then why do you need to work
more
than you already do? Fifty hours a week isn’t enough? Let’s throw wedding photography on top of it!”

“Adam,” I began.

He cut me off, shaking his head. “Whatever.”

I looked up at the ceiling before replying. “You’re not usually home, and this is the first time you’ve asked me to one of your gigs.”

I left out the fact I didn’t judge him for not asking me before he went to one of his shows.

He glanced over at me, shaking his head. “I’ve always done the music gigs. That’s nothing new; this is. I thought we were in this together. You already work too much.”

I bit back the nasty words that said
at least I work
and exhaled slowly before answering, “I’m sorry — I was just excited when Jesse brought it up.”

Adam heaved a sigh, and his hand went to my thigh. “Is it really important to you?”

I sat up at little bit, weaving my fingers into his as he looked at me from the corner of his eyes. His lips were still drawn down, but his gaze searched mine as I nodded.

“Okay, then I’m sorry I reacted like that. It just seems like we’re not on the same page all the time anymore–” my mouth opened, and he shook his head, dropping my hand to shift the car. “I’m not saying it’s because of you, Riv. Just both of us. I’m glad you’re with me tonight.”

“I’m happy you invited me,” I replied as my mind drifted to tomorrow and my regular trip to see Tara. Except this time she would be at home —
home
; not the apartment, but with her parents until she fully recovered. I wanted to ask Adam to come, but the idea made my temples pound.

My face must have shown my thoughts because Adam cocked his head at me. “You nervous about the wedding?”

My mind jolted as my body tensed. I could easily lie. It would make sense to be nervous about the wedding. I shook my head.

“Tomorrow is my day to visit Tara…” I began, watching as he shifted the car again, merging onto the highway. My eyes moved to the speedometer. He was hammering the car. “She’s home now–well, at her parent’s house.”

The car’s speedometer dipped down to a reasonable speed, and I felt the breath I didn’t know I was holding release from my chest. He knew how to handle the car, but this highway was– I stopped the thought.

“Ah,” Adam said but didn’t offer anything else.

Ask him. He said you hadn’t been on the same page.

I ran my fingers over the seams of the seat, sticking my tongue into my cheek before looking up at him. “Would you come…with me?”

I watched his thumb drum against the steering wheel while the other down shifted as we exited the highway. The silence was drowned out by the sound of the tail pipe as the car moved through its gears. Adam merged onto the road and pain flitted through my chest as I stared straight ahead at the lights of the city.

“Sure,” he replied.

My head shot up, turning to look at him. “Sure?”

He nodded, giving me a weak smile. “Sure.”

I felt the smile on my face as I woke wrapped in Adam’s arms. I leaned up kissing his lips and for once he didn’t taste like liquor. I slipped out of bed and walked out into the living room where my eyes moved to the door. The warmth of happiness was replaced with a cool recognition that I should bring Tara her boxes. I looked over my shoulder where Adam was still sleeping before heading across the way and pushing the door open. The boxes were stacked neatly, and although I was there for Tara’s stuff, I headed towards my boxes. I opened the top one and pulled out the jersey, holding it to my chest as I breathed in Bobby’s scent.

A cough at the door made my eyes shoot open as I jumped back, stuffing the jersey back in the box.

“Hey,” I said, the word sounding strangled as I stared at Adam.

His fists were in tight balls as he stared at the jersey half poking out of the box. “Is this what you’ve been doing?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Your dad asked me to.”

“And you couldn’t tell me?” he asked, and his eyes finally met mine. Their coldness sunk into me, making my chest tighten. His jaw clenched as he stood, nostrils flaring as he waited for my explanation.

“I’m sorry,” I replied as I stepped forward.  “I didn’t think you were ready to pack everything up, so I did it on my own.”

He stepped back from me shaking his head. “What else have you been lying about?”

My jaw dropped as I pulled my arms across my chest. “Nothing. I’m not lying to you–“

“Fine,” he said, putting his hands up. “Then what else have you been
hiding
from me?”

I crossed my arms as I looked at his chest rising and falling in anger. Finally, I spoke, “I could ask you the same thing.”

He scoffed, shaking his head as he rubbed the back of his neck. He held a finger up at me to make his point. “One bottle — one — in a guitar case doesn’t mean
anything
, River.”

Lies. More lies. I stepped towards him, and he ran his tongue over his teeth.  I needed to talk to him. I needed to understand, and most of all I needed an explanation for everything I was seeing.

“One bottle, dozens of receipts, not being at your job–” My voice cracked just as Adam cut me off.

“I told you I was out buying supplies.”

My chin began to tremble as I shook my head. I wanted the truth, but I was hardly able to tell him the truth of how I knew there were more lies between us than ever before.

“You tasted like alcohol when I kissed you that day,” I said, and Adam’s jaw tightened before he threw his hands up and turned out the door. I followed him, calling his name. “Adam!”

He kept heading towards the stairs as he held him his middle finger at me. The tears prickled at my eyes as he grabbed his keys out of his jeans. He never so much as swore at me, let alone do that.

“Adam, please!”

He cut me off with a shake of his head and continued down the stairs. I closed my eyes as I tilted my head back, letting them open to stare at the ceiling. Whiplash–that was what I had from Adam. One second he was fine, and the next second he was snapping. Something about the jersey set him off, and I found myself staring at it wondering what the hell that could be. I went back into the room and folded it before closing its box and turning to the ones for Tara. I chose the one with her makeup and other basics before grabbing a bag of clothing and heading back to the apartment. I showered and then sat waiting on the couch for Adam to return. My phone vibrated against the table, and I grabbed it as my heart hammered in my chest.

TEXT FROM Tara.

What happened with Adam? He just let me know he isn’t coming.

I fought the urge to reply
I wish I knew
, and instead stood and grabbed my keys. The phone trembled in my hand as I stared down it when I got in the car. I wanted to type
fuck you
to  Adam.  To tell him I was done. I closed my eyes as the angry tears moved into my mouth.

My hands went into my hair.

I was so close to being done, and no matter how hard I tried to forget that thought as I drove to Tara’s parents’ I couldn’t. By the time I got there, all my makeup was on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I pulled it over my head and used it to sharpen the lines of my dripping mascara before getting out of the car and taking a deep breath. I grabbed the box and bag from the back seat before going to the front door.

“Hey!” Tara said as she let me in, her voice high and airy in its happiness. “You brought me stuff!”

I nodded as I tried to plaster a smile on my face. I didn’t want her to know how close I was to cracking. I swallowed the rush of emotions and replied, “Yeah, some of your favorite outfits and makeup–not that any of your clothes will fit anymore.”

Tara raised an eyebrow as I came into the house, the smell of fresh baked cookies hitting my nose and making my mouth water. “I have no plans on staying a bag of bones. I’m already working on fattening myself up. I need some curves back.”

She was Tara again– at ease and beautiful in her bubbly personality. Her presence helped to force back my anger as I placed her box and clothes down where she signaled for me to.

“Cookies?” I asked. Her eyes narrowed, and I wondered how poorly I was hiding my feelings.

Her eyebrows wiggled as she put her arm into mine and guided me to the kitchen. “You look like you could use a sweet treat.”

I didn’t reply. Instead, I took a cookie off of the steaming plate and shoved it in my mouth. If we were eating, I wouldn’t have to explain my dysfunctional boyfriend.

“So what happened with Adam?” Tara asked, sitting down on the other chair at the island and grabbing a cookie for herself.

“Milk?” I asked, and she pursed her lips at me. I looked down at my cookie as if it was the most exciting thing in the world. She grabbed two glasses from the cabinets before turning and facing me.

“You’re not going to get away with changing the subject,” she said before she turned to the fridge and got the milk.

“What was that? The refrigerator muffled you,” I asked as I finished my first cookie and dove in for another.

She pushed the cup of milk towards me and crossed her arms. “Adam?”

I swallowed the remainder of the cookie and then took a few gulps of the milk.

Tara cocked her head at me. “River?”

I wiped my lip before replying, “He was just tired from the show last night.”

“Then why did it take so long for you to come to that conclusion?” Tara asked, sitting back down next to me and putting her head in her hand as she smirked at me.

I could lie, or wiggle around the truth. I was obviously as good at that as Adam was. I closed my eyes, shaking my head before exhaling and looking up at her. “He didn’t even tell me he wasn’t coming.”

Her lips drifted down at the corners, and she played with the napkin in front of her. “That’s weird, did you wake up and he wasn’t there?”

“No–I went over to get your boxes, and I guess Adam followed me…I was looking through one of the boxes, and he freaked out. Maybe he was pissed I didn’t tell him I was packing everything up. It just didn’t seem like the right time to tell him.”

And then he flicked me off.
 I decided leaving that part out was best. She didn’t need to know what that made me think about because I knew she would ask and then I
would
lie. I didn’t need another lie to eat me up alive.

“What else haven’t you been telling him?” she asked, and I found myself blinking at her.

“What do you mean?” I asked, and my mouth felt parched even though I chugged my glass of milk.

Was she on his side?

She shrugged, looking at me from the corner of her eyes. “It just seems like you guys aren’t communicating that well.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” I replied, shaking my head as I tipped my head back to look at the ceiling.

“So tell me,” she said, and her voice was flat as if she was already defensive.

I dropped my head back down and locked eyes with her. “He hasn’t been going to work, Tara– he’s drunk every night. I
wish
I could communicate with him, but he won’t listen to anything I have to say.”

“About his drinking.”

My jaw dropped open as I shook my head.”About anything! How can someone listen when they’re bombed all the time?” I asked, and I felt my chest heaving as my hands tightened into fists at my side.

Was he talking to her and not me?

“Maybe you should listen to
him,”
she said, and she quirked an eyebrow, her expression saying she didn’t think I listened to anyone.

“I would if he would talk to me,” I said, and my chin trembled as I looked back to my best friend, suddenly turned against me.

Her eyes dropped, and she traced the rim of her glass before replying, “You work a lot, Riv. You always have.”

“Seriously?” I asked as I stood. Unreasonable River returned, and as much as I wanted to stay there with my friend, I couldn’t take my finger flipping boyfriend and this– as if
I
truly was the cause of all of this. My chest ached as the thought crossed my mind and then the unreasonable words came flowing from my mouth in my shaking voice. “What bullshit is he feeding you? That’s he’s alright, and he’s not
really
drinking that much?” Her face turned red. “I know, Tara. I
live
every day worrying about him. I can count on my hands how many times he’s been sober or home in the last three months. I’m not enough to pull him out of this.”

“What does that mean?”

I stared at her, and the trembling shifted from my chin to my whole body.

The battle is just beginning. 

Bobby hadn’t warned me I’d be completely alone. I didn’t answer Tara. Instead, I turned on my heel and headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Tara asked as I yanked the front door open.

I stopped, looking over my shoulder at her. “Somewhere I don’t have to think about this mess anymore.”

Her eyes mirrored Adam’s this morning as she asked, “Work?”

I closed my eyes, shaking my head.
I wish.
I closed the door behind me without answering. I found myself heading back home, parking next to Adam’s empty spot and then heading upstairs without even looking at our door. I went to Bobby’s apartment and sat on the balcony.  The spring breeze, now strongly signaling summer, ruffled my cotton shirt over my skin. I leaned against the warm metal of the railing and memories flooded my brain.

Memories. That’s all that there was left. I was in love with a ghost.

How do you raise the dead?

Make them realize there’s something worth living for? I closed my eyes as my head dropped between my shoulders.

There’s no way to raise the dead.

I swallowed as I looked over my shoulders at the boxes.

Either way, I was digging my own grave at the same time.