Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (15 page)

I was vaguely aware of when Adam came home that night, and then vaguely aware when he got up and left without saying anything to me. I woke up and rolled over to look at his side of the bed. The silent tears came down my face as I got ready for work. I didn’t bother putting makeup on, and when I got to work, I didn’t leave my office all day, burying myself in editing files and writing proposals. My cell phone sat on my desk, but the screen never lit up. I left work on time, and my chest tightened when I pulled in next to Adam’s car. I didn’t know if he went to work or not, but he was home. Maybe we could talk.

As the door to the apartment building opened my body froze. The sound of singular guitar reverberated through the air.

It was one I knew all too well.

I tried to compose myself, my chest rising as I took a deep breath and crushed my eyelids down. The talent was unmistakable, but then again, so was the pain. It rippled with the sound of the pick striking the strings, vibrating throughout the building and into the air. Every note screamed out to me and pulled me in; just like it did every time he played. I could only imagine the state he was in as he strummed the guitar, and as I moved up the steps, the squealing of the guitar got heavier and heavier. When I reached the top of the stairwell, our landlord greeted me with a soft smile and sad eyes. He reached out and squeezed my shoulder as he passed me.

“It’ll get easier,” he said, and I wondered how often this happened.

I opened the apartment door and walked slowly across the hardwoods until I reached the bedroom door. Adam lay across the bed, looking at the ceiling with the guitar laying over him. My eyes drifted to the half empty bottle of liquor, and my nerves frayed with anger. I stared at him for a moment, expecting him to notice me and stop, but instead he continued the lonesome riff he was playing. It didn’t feel like I was breathing as I made my way across the room and pulled the cord out of the amp before turning and staring at Adam. He didn’t move, and his hands kept playing the guitar. The notes were tinny against the pick without the amplifier, but he didn’t flinch against the harsh noise like I did.

“Adam,” I said.

He didn’t reply.

“Adam, please,” I repeated.

His hands froze over the guitar, but he didn’t move.

“Have you been skipping work?” I asked as I sat down on the edge of the bed.

He didn’t reply.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you,” I said, but I figured he wasn’t listening. “I just want to help, but I feel like every time I try you just get further away. I don’t know what’s going on in your head — I don’t…I don’t understand, no matter how I try.”

“It’s okay,” he said, and I glanced over my shoulder at him. “I know you work to get away from me.”

I pressed my eyes shut as I shook my head. “I wish I could get away from myself.”

Adam scoffed. “I try to get away from myself, but all I end up is more nauseous.”

Shits like truth serum. 
Tears pricked at the edge of my eyes.

“Then why do you keep drinking?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” Adam replied. “I want to be strong for you, and then I…I don’t know, Riv.”

I thought of the day before, and Adam’s reaction to my holding Bobby’s shirt.

“Do I remind you of him?” I asked, sliding off the bed to sit on the floor and put my head in my hands. If that was it, there was only one thing that would solve his mess–space.

“I feel like I’m still fighting to win you from him…even though…he’s not here anymore,” Adam answered, and I felt the bed move behind me. He was surprisingly stable as he walked around it and then sat down next to me, putting his head between his knees. “I think he has more of a hold on us now that he’s gone. Now it’s like we can’t let go.”

My eyes widened as I looked at him, shaking my head. The words came easier than they ever had before. “He’s dead, Adam.
Dead
. He doesn’t have a hold on me now–and,” I paused biting my lip as I stood and looked down at him. My voice cracked as I continued, “The only person who ever had a hold on me was you. There was never a war or game over who I loved. I love you, Adam, and I’m sorry that you can’t see it any clearer now than you could then.”

Adam shook his head at me, eyes red. “You were in love with the idea of me–but not me. Now the idea’s gone.”

My throat thickened as my jaw dropped. I couldn’t stay there; too many hurtful things had been said already. I stood and headed to the door.

“River,” Adam said as I reached the bedroom door.

I paused, holding onto the frame of the door as I glanced over my shoulder. Adam stared back at me, and my chest hitched as I shook my head and then left the apartment. I usually cranked up the radio to try to forget everything, but now I drove in silence. I needed to think, but my mind was just rolling around from one thing to another. My stomach shifted in unease as I pulled into the cemetery. It closed at dusk, but I was sure no one was going to say anything about me being here when it was dark.

Who would see me anyway?

I stopped at the walkway that led to Bobby’s headstone and sat with the car in park before finally deciding to get out. I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt up before weaving my way through the dead until I stood in front of the headstone.

Son, brother, best friend.

Robert Beckerson.

I shoved my hands in my pockets as I tried desperately to feel something, but everything was so numb. I sat down and stared at the marble stone as if Bobby might magically appear. His face in my dreams, the feeling of his hand on my skin washed over to me, and I pressed my head against the cold rock. “I think I get what you were saying.”

I wondered if he could hear me, or if I was simply going insane for believing it was him in my dreams. “I feel like I’m the one keeping Adam down–that I’m not strong enough to pull him out of this…I almost told Tara, but I think Adam’s feeding her false information, so she believes he’s fine. But he’s not.”

I leaned back, running my fingers over the etching on the stone. “I’m starting to wonder if I ever really knew Adam — if I knew myself. I don’t even know what to think anymore…”

I stood, wiping my slacks before leaning down and kissing the top of the stone. “If things end up…going the way you said they were going to, I need you to help Adam. I’ll be fine. I’ll figure it out, but he’s going to need you– get through the fog. Please.”

When I got home later that night, Adam was in the same position I left him in. His head was on his knees as he slept, and I grit my teeth as I sat on the bed and pulled him slowly up onto it. He didn’t wake up. I tucked a pillow under his head and covered his body with a blanket before slipping to my pajamas and going to sleep on the couch. Even in my deep, dreamless sleep I felt his lips against my forehead before he left, and I knew when I woke he wouldn’t be there. Still, when I did, I glanced into the bedroom, only to find it as empty as my chest.

 I went into auto mode. I exercised, made myself a coffee, poured it in a thermos and shoved a granola bar in my mouth as I opened the door to the apartment. When I turned, I swallowed and the oats sunk hard. Alec stood in front of Bobby’s apartment talking to the landlord. I watched as Alec’s eyebrows furrowed, causing deep creases in his forehead

“All times of the day,” the landlord said. My muscles tensed as he looked over at me with a sad smile before making his way down the stairs.

“River,” Alec said as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Is Adam?” I shook my head, and he inhaled through his nose, nodding. “Can you and I talk then?”

“What’s up?” I asked, and Alec’s eyes drifted to my coffee and briefcase.

“I’m sorry I should’ve called last night–” I shook my head, and a shaky exhale rattled through his lips as if he knew what I meant without me saying it. “Let’s go inside?”

I followed him into Bobby’s apartment, and he ran his hands over the carefully labeled boxes. “Is this everything?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I finished packing everything. I guess I needed some more time,” I replied as I opened my box and stared at the jersey I loved so much.

“No worries,” Alec said, and his jaw tightened as his eyes washed over me.

“It’s okay,” I said as I closed the box back up. “I know it’s time.”

“How will Adam take it?” Alec asked, and his eyes raced over my face. The hope in his eyes disappeared, and his arm came to rest on the top of one of the boxes.

“As good as he’s taken anything else,” I finally replied. “I’m sorry.”

Alec stepped forward and put his hand on my shoulder. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

I bit the inside of my lip as I nodded. It was oddly comforting when Alec pulled me into his arms.

“Thank you for doing this,” he said into my ear.

I hugged him back, and his warmth reminded me of Bobby. “Thank you for letting me.”

He pulled away. “You know both of my boys best.”

My lip trembled as tears welled in my eyes.

At least I used to.

“Would you mind putting our boxes in the apartment for me?” I asked.

I could only hope I was home first so I could figure out where to hide them.

“Of course. How is he?” Alec replied, and when our eyes met he swallowed. “I see.”

He squeezed my shoulder, hugging me once more. “Try to have a good day at work?”

“I’ll try,” I replied, but by the time I got to work my head was killing me, and I couldn’t get rid of the twisting feeling in my stomach. Adam left far before I did, and it seemed like Alec hadn’t been there that long, so he wouldn’t have seen him. I put my cold hand against the back of my neck as I leaned back in my chair. Something didn’t feel right, and even though I convinced myself it was nothing more than the fact someone else would be living in Bobby’s apartment, I knew it was more than that. My eyes kept darting down to my cell phone. A part of me felt like there was something very wrong with Adam. My fingertips tingled, and I couldn’t help it– I dialed his classroom number.

“Hello,” Regina answered.

“Uh…” Speech seemed to have failed me. “It’s River — is Adam there?”

“I’m sorry, River — he’s not,” she replied, and her voice was soft. “You might want to call his cell phone.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that– thanks.”

I hung up and stared down at my cell phone screen as my headache intensified. Regina didn’t sound surprised I didn’t know where Adam was.  This was all wrong. I dialed his cell phone. It rang, but no one picked up. I felt like vomiting. I needed to find Adam, but I didn’t know how. I packed my work things and headed towards Jesse’s office, thankful to have such an understanding boss.

“River, you don’t look so well,” Jesse said as I leaned in his doorway.

“Massive headache,” I replied, squinting against the light of the fluorescents. “That’s why I was coming to see you.”

“No problem,” Jesse said with a wave of his hand. “Take the day off. Feel better.”

By the time I got home, I didn’t feel better. My head felt tight, and I was starting to see vibrant flashes of color at the corners of my vision. Adam wasn’t home. I dialed his number as I made my way up to the apartment. Once inside my eyes settled on the boxes, neatly stacked on the left side of the door. Adam wasn’t picking up, and my stomach clenched. I made it to the kitchen sink just in time to lose my granola bar. I splashed water on my face and then went into the bathroom, popping open the cap of the headache medicine with shaking hands. I tossed the pill in my mouth before going into the bedroom and passing out. Every time I woke up, my head still splintered in pain, but I still tried calling Adam, and every time I did, no one answered. I fell back into the fitful sleep just to get away from the pain raging in my head and the rolling of my stomach.

God, that hurts
.

A combination of buzzing and ringing woke me up, and when I realized it was my phone, I shot forward, grabbing it off the nightstand.

“Adam?” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “Where are you?” Panic threaded through me. “I’ve been calling for hours.”

“They fired me,” he replied, and his slurred words told me he was drunk.

My whole body tensed, and the pounding in my head subsided as I sank back into the bed. “Why?”

“Tardiness.” The s’ slurred out too long, and I felt my hands clench hard against the metal casing of the phone. At the end of the word, it became a sob. “I’m sorry, Riv…I tried. I swear I tried. Sometimes I couldn’t take it, though.”

My nerves seared, my throat burning with pain. Had I let this go too far? Guilt pricked at my eyes.

“River?” Adam asked.

I crushed my eyes shut, asking, “Where are you?”

“With Bobby.”

I swallowed before inhaling until stars popped in my eyes. “Okay.”

“I love you, River. I swear it.”

“I know,” I said as I stood. My head was still pounding, but I needed Adam home–safe with me.

“Do you still love me?” he asked.

“Yes, Adam,” I replied, and the tears ran into my mouth. “No matter what I will always love you.”

There was silence on the other end, and I wondered if he believed me.

“I’m coming to get you,” I said, breaking the silence. He didn’t respond. “Please don’t go anywhere, and stop drinking.”

As I drove towards the cemetery the pounding in my head cleared, and I wondered if it was somehow connected directly to Adam. If my headache was what drinking made him feel like I had no idea why he would want to do it. My hands squeaked against the steering wheel as I gripped it too tight. During the blackout pain, I had barely thought of anything. It was when I was awake that I remembered.

That’s why.

One pain for another. I swallowed hard as I shifted the car into park behind the GLI, hidden among the headstones and grass. When I came around Bobby’s marker Adam was hunched there, his back pressing against the hard rock with an empty bottle at his feet. His head hung between his knees and behind him, I could see where he’d been sick.

“SoCo, Adam? Really? Please don’t tell me you drank that whole bottle?” I asked as I knelt down on the damp ground in front of him. He rocked forward before mumbling a response I didn’t understand. His head tipped back, and I could see his bloodshot eyes were empty. I bit my cheek against the tears that formed in my eyes.

“Please Adam, this has got to stop. I can’t take much more,” I said, and my head dropped so I no longer had to gaze at those broken eyes.

“I need you to fix me, River,” he replied a shaky hand touching my elbow.

“I can’t…” I choked on the words, and the tears came in a rush. I looked up at him, and his eyes locked on me. “I can’t fix you, Adam. I can barely pick up the broken pieces of me.”

His eyes closed, and his head bobbed backward. My whole body trembled as I grabbed the bottle at his feet and stood, chucking it into the ditch that split the cemetery in two. I heard it shatter against something before I put my hand on my chest, calming my breathing.

Mark said there was one thing that could knock him out of this stupor, and while I had spent so much time denying it, I knew it was true.

Only one thing could fix this.

My chest began to stagger breathes irrationally as my mind settled on the thought.

I had to leave.