Authors: Amanda Bennett
"So Riley, how's it going having London at
your house?" Mr. Rollins voice broke through my thoughts like a wrecking
ball.
"Good, I guess. He can't talk for too long
with his jaw wired shut, so conversations are held to a minimum."
"I bet. So tell me, did anything new happen
last night that you would like to talk about?"
I was really starting to loathe coming here. I was
never one to want to talk about my feelings and now, that's all I seemed to do.
It was exhausting. "Actually, I ran into Tristan on the beach last night.
Well not so much ran into, as I just saw him. He must've just gotten done
surfing, because he still had on his board shorts. I thought about waving at
him, but we just exchanged an awkward stare instead, and then I went inside. I
know, now you want to know how I feel about that, right?"
"You said it, not me."
"I don't know how to feel about it. I feel
safe and secure knowing he's close by, I suppose. But on the other hand, I feel
like I'm under constant scrutiny now. Of course part of me still wants him to
want me, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for that. I'm still mad at him for
what he did to London. Even though he apologized, I still feel like he doesn't
get it."
"Well okay then. How did you sleep last
night?"
"I slept okay. I slept in what I can only
assume was my room, and it felt nice to have a place where I felt I
belonged."
"That's good. Right now you need a place like
that. A sanctuary of sorts. So how did this morning go with London?"
"It went fine. We talked for a little bit and
it was nice to actually get to know a part of him that I never knew was
there."
"That's good that you two are connecting on a
deeper level. I think you need more people in your life that you can depend
on."
"I do too. It's nice having someone around
that I can talk to. I feel less, alone. Mr. Rollins, do you know much about
London's parents?"
"No. You know, London is also quite reserved.
He doesn't like to talk much about his personal life, but once when I asked
about his father, he seemed to get rather enraged. He never acted on it, I
could just tell by his response that he and his father don't get along
well."
"I see. Okay then I guess I'll steer clear of
that subject." We both exchanged a small laugh before Mr. Rollins was
delving right back into my life.
"Riley, what happened, specifically, that made
you want to take your life that night?"
This was the question I never wanted to have to
answer, but I'm pretty sure I didn't have a choice. "That day I was out
running errands before heading into work. Everything had been going okay; I was
actually having a really good day. When I got to the drugstore to pick up a
prescription, I ran into Gavin. I'm almost positive he didn't know it was me,
but I could never forget that face. He was with his wife and he now had two
kids of his own. I couldn't help but wonder the entire time if he had been
doing the same thing to his girls. I never pressed charges. I basically just
let it go when I left their house and never looked back. I ended up in a really
nice family after that and I stayed there until I was eighteen and could take
care of myself."
"Do you blame yourself for him having a family
and not knowing how he treats his kids?"
"Everyday. I watched them the entire time I
was at the drugstore. I must've looked insane to anyone who noticed what I was
doing. He was very loving with his girls, and I couldn't help but notice just
how affectionate he was with the youngest. She couldn't have been any older
than six or seven. Suddenly I became consumed with guilt. I thought back to all
the times he had done those horrible things to me, and I knew he was most
likely doing the same to her or both of them. When I left, I called into work.
I just couldn't imagine being around people while I was feeling that way.
That's when I decided to go to the cliff where my father had taken me. I sat
there all day, just listening to the ocean beneath me. I tried to picture
myself being happy and being able to enjoy my life, but then I saw his
daughter's face again and I knew what needed to be done. I needed to rid myself
of the guilt and I could only think of one way to do that."
"So you jumped?"
I nodded in his direction. "Riley, do you
still feel that guilt?"
"I don't think so. I think I've come to terms
with the fact that I can't go back and change the past, but I do wonder about
his daughters everyday."
"Riley, I have an idea. Just hear me out
before you say no. There's this gala in about two weeks for abused children.
They are looking for people like you, who have survived abuse, to speak about
what has happened. Now before you say no, just think about it. This could be
the exact thing that helps with the guilt you still feel. Telling your story
and getting it out there, may help some women who still are unable to come to
terms with their own abuse. I think it would be greatly beneficial to you and
your outlook on your new life. What do you think?"
I held my hands clasped in my lap and as much as I
wanted to, I couldn't look at Mr. Rollins. I understood what he was saying, but
I just wasn't sure I was at that point in my life just yet. I was fine facing
my demons with him, but with an entire room of people, well that was a whole
other story. "I'll think about it."
"That's all I ask. Well, looks like that's our
time for today. Try to have a nice relaxing weekend, and I'll see you again on
Monday. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call."
"Thank you, Mr. Rollins. I'll see you
Monday."
While walking to my car, it suddenly dawned on me
just how much of an influence my story could have on other women who have
thought about suicide. I had the potential to save a life, and I wasn't willing
to give that up because of my own insecurities. I decided to wait and talk to
London about it when I got home and see what his take on all of this was.
I pulled into the driveway about a half an hour
later and was surprised to see London outside, pulling weeds of all things. I
gathered my purse and made my way over to the side of the yard where he was.
"What are you doing out here?" I laughed.
"I was going stir crazy. I had to do
something."
"Well, you want to come hang out on the beach
with me for a bit?"
"Yeah, let me just wash my hands and then I'll
meet you out there."
I shook my head at the thought of London actually
doing yard work as made my way through the side gate. The beach had a few more
people on it then yesterday, but I grabbed two chairs and made my way out by
the water. A few minutes later, London was joining me and he had brought two
glasses of wine. Ah, he was my savior. I have never been a big drinker, but
wine was definitely a must today.
He handed me my glass and took the seat next to me.
"Thanks, you read my mind."
London smiled and took a very awkward sip from his
glass. It was crazy watching him trying to eat or drink when his mouth could
barely open. I glanced out at the ocean, secretly looking for Tristan. Now that
I knew he lived so close, I was always on the lookout for him when I was
outside.
"How was your session today?"
"It was good, actually. Mr. Rollins wants me
to attend this gala thing for abused children. He wants me to get up and talk
about my story." I watched London's face trying to look for any reaction,
but it was very complacent. "He seems to think I can make a difference
somehow. I just don't know. I told him I would think about it. What do you
think?" I took a sip from my glass as I waited for his opinion.
"I guess it could help. I don't know your
entire story, but if he seems to think it'll help, then maybe it will."
"That's all you've got for me? Helpful as
always, London." I laughed.
"Well, I don't know. You could always go and
see what it's all about before you decide to speak."
"Would you go with me?"
London practically choked on his wine when I asked.
"Why me?"
"I need someone there who can support me and
not judge me. The only way I'll go is if you go."
"Will Mr. Rollins be there?"
I was a little confused as to why that would
matter, but I answered him anyway. "Yeah, he's one of the key
speakers."
"Okay, yeah I'll go with you."
"Really?" I squealed. "Oh my god,
London that means so much to me." I stood up and practically ran into his
lap. I sat on him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Thank you, thank
you, thank you." I whispered against his neck where my head was resting.
"You're very welcome, Riley."
"Oh, and you have to wear a tux." I
quickly jumped out of his lap and darted for the house, laughing the entire
way.
London caught up with me a few minutes later and
practically tackled me to the couch. "You should've told me that part
first. My answer would probably have been different."
"And that's precisely why I
didn't
you." London's face was mere
inches from mine. I could feel my heart practically pounding out of my chest
and there was definitely something between us. I could feel it just by looking
at the way he was looking at me. His face moved a little bit closer to mine and
I let my eyes flutter shut. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to kiss me, but I was
open to the possibility right now. When I opened my eyes seconds later,
London's body language had changed entirely. He moved off of me and sat on the
opposite end of the couch.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I never should've let that
happen."
"Nothing happened, London. It's okay. I
swear."
"Okay."
The vibe in the room had quickly gone from fun and
flirty to somber and uncomfortable. "Hey, so what do you want to do for
dinner?" I playfully slapped his thigh and you would've thought I just
punched him, by how quickly he jumped off of the couch.
"I don't care. Whatever can go in a
blender." He chuckled.
"London, can we talk for a minute?"
"Sure. What's up?"
"I actually wanted to get to know you a little
bit better. Tell me about your family." I swear the room just froze over.
He was giving me a death glare and I was suddenly wishing I hadn't said
anything at all.
"There's not much to tell. My father was a
bastard that cheated on my mom and left us without saying good-bye."
"I'm sorry, London. I didn't mean to
pry."
"It's okay, Riley. You didn't know."
He made his way back over to the couch to sit next
to me. I placed my hand on his and gave it a small squeeze. "You can trust
me London. I would never tell your secrets or ever judge you. That's just not
who I am."
"I know, Riley. It's a complicated story
really. My dad was an amazing father, until I turned fifteen. He started
cheating on my mom with his much younger secretary. When my mom found out, she
threatened to leave him and take me with and well...he pretty much lost it. He
became physically and mentally abusive and then six months later, he killed my
mother."
I let out an audible gasp and quickly covered my
mouth trying not to look too shocked. "Oh my god, London. I'm so sorry. I
had no idea."
"Nobody does."
"What happened? I'm sorry, you don't have to
tell me if you're not comfortable talking about it."
"That's the thing, Riley. I always feel so
comfortable around you. You're the only person I feel like I can tell anything
to."
"I'm glad." London's hand wrapped around
mine as he started to continue to tell me his story.
"I called the cops. My father didn't know I
was there, let alone witnessed the entire thing. When the cops showed up, I
came out of my room and walked right past my father. They arrested him, took my
statement and then took me to stay at my aunt's house that night. Within forty-eight
hours, my father was released and coming after me. He had gotten off because of
the people he knew and he knew I was his one loose end. I went into witness
protection shortly after that with my aunt and now here I am."
I was in shock. Complete and utter shock. I was at
a loss for words and I wasn't even sure how to comfort him. I climbed into his
lap just as I had outside on the beach and hugged him tightly. I didn't want to
let go. I needed him to know that I was here for him, no matter what he told
me.
"Is your father still, around?"
"Last I heard he was still living in
California."
"So, is London not your real name?"
He let out a strangled laugh, "No, it's my
real name. I came out of witness protection about three years ago. If he wants
to come after me, I'm ready."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Looking at
London, I never would've thought anything bad had ever happened to him. He had
it all so put together. I envied him for what he had done with his life given
the circumstances he had grown up in. He was a lot stronger than I was.
Although I wasn't one to judge somebody else, I almost felt as though London
was holding something back, something important. I looked up at him and
wondered how he could talk about something so horrible with barely any emotion
in his voice. When he looked down at me, I slowly moved my lips over his. It
wasn't a long passionate kiss, but it was something, and I could feel his
hardened exterior soften when our lips touched.