Faithless (3 page)

The minute my hand made contact with her exposed
skin, I knew I had done something wrong. I had never had a girl react the way
that she had. I could see the terror in her eyes as I pulled my hand away. At
that moment, I decided to find out what or who it was that had hurt this girl
so badly that she couldn't even stand to be touched. I wanted to protect her
with everything in me, more than I had ever wanted to protect anybody. My mom
once told me that the hardest girl to get, would be the easiest to love. Until
this day, I hadn't believed her.

I had to take a step back when she turned towards
me. My body felt like a thousand volts of electricity was running through it
with her close proximity. All I wanted to do was pull her into my chest and hug
her so deeply that she would never question again what it felt like to be loved
or cared for. When I looked back down at her, I noticed that she looked
different. Her hair was extremely long and beautiful. It hung to the waistband
of her jeans, and now that she had discarded the sweatshirt and she was only
wearing a thin tank top, I could see her figure. I would guess she had played
sports when she was younger because she was more fit than most girls I had met
her age. Her arms were lean and toned, and she had a tiny waist that barely
held up her heavy denim jeans. She was gorgeous in every sense of the word. Her
bright blue eyes stood out from underneath her dark black, mascara free lashes
and her olive skin looked a little darker every time I saw her. Maybe she was a
swimmer? That would definitely explain the physique and tan. I shook the
thoughts from my head as I noticed a perplexed look sweep across her face.

"What are you thinking about?" Her voice
made my heart rate spike and that's when knew I was in trouble.

"Nothing really. You going to eat today?"
I pushed my hands back through my hair, which I only did when I was nervous,
before fixing my eyes back on her.

"I was thinking about it." Her voice had
turned shaky, and I smiled internally knowing that I was having some sort of
affect on her too.

"You want to sit with me?"

"I usually eat in my room."

The silence that followed that statement was
deafening, and I half expected her to take off running. The possibility of me
scaring her off crossed my mind hundred times, so I decided to just play it
cool. "Okay, well if you change your mind, I'll be over there." I
pointed in the direction of a table far off in the corner where I sat everyday.
"I'll see ya later, Riley."

I stepped past her and started gathering an
assortment of things for dinner. Unfortunately it was potluck day, so I was
more than happy to opt for the pre-made sandwiches, a cup of Jell-O and milk. I
started making my way over to my table, trying to ignore Riley in the process,
but failing miserably. She was standing at the table, no tray or food in hand,
waiting for me.

"Did you decide to join me?" I asked as I
closed the distance between us and then eventually took a seat.

"Just for a minute."

"By all means, have a seat please." I
pointed at the chair across from me.

"Thanks." She sat, arms folded across her
chest, which only made her breasts pop out the top of her tank top, occupying
all of my attention.

I quickly adverted my gaze before she could notice.
I didn't want to make her feel any more uncomfortable than she apparently
already was. "So what's your story, Riley?"

"Nothing like straight and to the point,
huh?" She chided.

"I'm sorry. I'm not used to tip toeing around
people and their feelings. You don't have to tell me. I just thought I would
try and make some conversation, that's all."

"I'm sorry. I'm not used to people asking
about me."

"Now I find that hard to believe. You're
beautiful. I'm sure there have been plenty of people who have wanted to get to
know you."

"No."

Okay, obviously that was a touchy subject. Duly
noted. "Alright well, is this your first time in here? I'm not sure what
to ask and not ask, so bear with me." I smiled up at her in between taking
a bit of my sandwich, but her eyes were firmly planted on the table.

"Yes."

I continued to eat while Riley continued to stare
at the table. Obviously I was asking the
wrong
questions. Talking to Riley was starting to feel more like a chore than a
way to pass the time, but I felt the urge to push her to find out more.

"What about you?" Her voice was so quiet
I wasn't even sure she was speaking to herself or me.

"Me?"

She nodded. "No, this is my fifth time
here." That must've gotten her attention, because her headshot up and her
eyes landed on mine.

"Five times?"

"Yeah. Let's just say I have a bad habit of
giving up." I forked some Jell-O and placed the metal in my mouth.

"Why?"

Her question didn't surprise me. Most people wanted
to know the exact same thing, especially my mother. But I wasn't about to give
away such pertinent information when she was willing to give me nothing in
return.

"I'll make you a deal, Riley. I'll tell you if
you tell me. Sound fair?" I could see the fear in her eyes as she mulled
over my suggestion. "It's only fair. A question, for a question. You don't
get to learn all about me and I learn nothing about you. Those are my
terms." I sat back, sandwich in hand and watched every movement she made.
She always seemed nervous and out of touch with what was going on around her.
This was my opening to get inside and get to know the
real
Riley.

Ten minutes of silence had passed when I glanced up
at the clock, and I was growing a bit impatient. I didn't want to push her, but
I also didn't want to waste my time on someone who felt as though time wasn't
important. I was about to stand up and take my tray to the garbage can when she
finally spoke.

"Deal."

"Really?" I was shocked. Never in a
million years did I think she would agree to this, not with how guarded she
was.

"Yes, really. But, if I don't like certain
questions then I may not answer."

"Okay, but if that's the case, then I get to
ask another."

She hesitantly nodded her head. "So are you
going to answer my last question?"
 
She asked.

"No. I do believe I have answered one
question, now it's your turn." I smiled across the table at her and for
the first time since I had met her, she smiled. It didn't reach her eyes, but
it was a smile nonetheless.

"Yes. This is my first time here."

I pondered my next question as I soaked in the tiny
nuggets of information she was now offering up. "K, your turn."

"Why have you tried so many times to....um...you
know..."give up"?"

"Bad habit?" I chuckled. She didn't look
amused, so I quickly stopped laughing and answered her honestly. "No one
ever taught me how
not
to give up. It
just seemed easier than dealing with the pain." The crease in her brow
lifted and I could feel the atmosphere around us change. "Why did you try
to leave us?"

I could see her eyes begin to mist up, but this was
one answer I really needed to know. "I had no reason to stay."

I took what she said and thought about it. She was
right, sometimes there is no reason to stay. I just found it hard to believe
that someone like her would give up so easily. I suppose everybody has their
own demons they fight everyday.

"My turn. Do you have a family?"

If I didn't know any better, I would almost think
that she was asking certain questions so I would ask the same ones. Part of me
felt as though she
wanted
someone to
know what was going on with her, and I felt honored that she felt as if she
could trust me with her hurt and pain. "I do."

"That's it?" She started to pout and I
couldn't help but smile at her.

"I have a mom, a dad and a sister. What about
you? Any family?"

She began fidgeting in her chair, "None to
speak of." Interesting. We would definitely have to come back and revisit
that one at a later date.

"Tristan?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you want to get to know me so
badly?"

Ah the question of the hour. "I find you
interesting, Riley. You're not like any other girl I've met, and I can tell
that you've been hurt. I want to be there for you. I never had that, so I
wanted to give that to you." My answer surprised me, but it was mostly
true. She continued to look at me with those doe eyes in wonder. I was suddenly
starting to feel like a caged animal, when one of the nurses approached us.

"Mr. Hayes, Ms. Turner, I do believe it's time
to head back to your rooms."

"Sorry, Jan. We let the time slip away from
us."

"No worries, Mr. Hayes. I'll see you both in
the morning."

"Goodnight, Jan." We both responded in
unison, making us both smile. This time, her smile reached her eyes.

I never intended to actually answer any of Tristan's
questions, but he had a way of making me feel confident and at ease. If he was
willing to open up to me, then I suppose I could open up to him, a little bit
at least. We both headed back to our rooms and when I had to break off to go
down my hallway, Tristan stopped for a minute and stared at me.

"Thank you, Riley."

"For what?" Confusion hung heavy in my
words.

"For letting me in, even if it was just a
little bit."

"You're welcome. Goodnight Tristan."

"Goodnight Riley."

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I
hadn't slept well, due to Tristan's voice running through every thought. I
gathered my clothes and headed into the bathroom in my room. I turned on the
shower, letting the small room fill with steam as I undressed in front of the
small mirror in front of me. I gently ran my fingers down the faded scars that
covered my torso and upper thighs. The memory of each one played back as I
touched each individual one. Some were shorter than others, but the majority of
them were about five inches in length. The memories began to become
overwhelming and I took that as a sign to walk away. As I entered the scorching
shower, I let the water run over every inch of my body, secretly wishing the
water could wash away the pain and fear that they held deep inside. It would
only work for a short while, but without fail after I would dry myself off, the
pain would return.

I dressed quickly, knowing people would be waking
up soon. Today I had opted for a pair of tight denim capris and a somewhat
tight fitting, royal blue V-neck. I brushed through my long locks and decided
to leave them down for today. I wasn't sure what had changed inside of me
between yesterday and today, but I knew who was assisting that change, Tristan.

I was making my way out of my room when I heard a
familiar voice calling my name. I turned to see Mr. Rollins walking in my
direction. I crossed my arms firmly over my chest. Maybe it was my instinctual
response to be guarded at all times, but something about Mr. Rollins made me
feel uncomfortable. He had never been anything but nice, and not overly nice,
but my stomach turned whenever I was alone with him.

"Hi, Mr. Rollins."

"Good morning, Riley. How are you feeling
today?"

"Honestly, better than yesterday."
Yesterday this would've been a lie, but today, it almost seemed true enough for
even me to believe.

"That's great. I was wondering if you would be
willing to do a one on one therapy session with me outside of the hospital
today? I have something in mind that may help you, but only if you're open to
it."

My body went rigid and my heart rate spiked. I
hadn't been alone with a man since I was seventeen and I wasn't looking forward
to it now. "Can I think about it?"

"Of course. Just let me know after group.
Sound good?"

I nodded my head and quickly walked back to the
confines and safety of my room. When I shut the door, I frantically went in
search of my sweatshirt. It was the only thing I had left of my father, and it
brought me comfort and an escape. I tugged the old ratty thing over my head and
then made my way to the group therapy room. Today I was actually looking
forward to going.

When I walked in, only a few other people had made
it so far and Tristan wasn't one of them. I took my usual seat, pulling my feet
underneath me and crossing my arms across my chest. I didn't look up, until I
heard the chair next to me skid on the floor with the weight of the person
sitting down in it. When I looked over from the corner of my eye, I found
Tristan staring at me.

"Good morning."

"Morning." I whispered.

"Why are you always so quiet in here?" He
whispered back.

I shrugged my shoulders, letting my arms fall
gracefully onto my lap. I was about to ask him a question, when Mr. Rollins
cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"Well, I hope you all had a good night last
night. Today we are going to talk about trust. Trust is a very important thing
in life. Sometimes trusting the wrong person can get you into trouble and
sometimes it can save your life. Who here trusts someone in their life? Please
raise your hands."

Everybody except for me and one other person raised
their hands.

"Okay, you can put them down now. Now, we are
going to go around the room and say who that one person is. If you didn't raise
your hands, I would like you to think of the one person who made you lose that
trust. Let's start with Katie."

"My mom. She's the only person I trust."

"Good. Next person, please."

Everyone in the circle had named at least one
person they trusted. I
wanted
to be
part of that group. I wanted someone that I could trust with any and
everything, but honestly, I didn't know what trusting someone felt like.

"Riley, now you didn't raise your hand. Would
you like to tell us who made you lose your trust?"

"Sure." I grumbled. "My
mother."

"Interesting. Do you want to give us a reason
why?"

Mr. Rollins was being extra pushy today and I
didn't like it. "Not really. Do I have to?" I could see Tristan out
of the corner of my eye. He was staring straight ahead. Not once had he looked
at me since group started.

"You don't have to, but I think this will be
beneficial for you to say."

I slammed my hands down on the sides of my chair.
"My mother, because she never wanted me. My mother, because she tried to
drown me when I was three, just so she wouldn't have to take care of me anymore.
There, does that make you happy?" I snapped. Now I was livid. Usually Mr.
Rollins was understanding, caring even, but today he just seemed to want to
press my buttons.

"Good job, Riley. You're making good progress.
Now let's move on to Tristan. Now Tristan, you
did
raise your hand. Who do you trust?"

"Riley."

My mouth dropped open and a small gasp slipped out.
I was utterly shocked by his veracity. For crying out loud, he barely even knew
me. I glanced over at him, seeking an answer for why he said my name, but he
still refused to look at me.

"Wow, I see our Riley here has had quite an
effect on you."

"What can I say, she understands me in a way
that no one else ever has."

"That's great. I hope you two can keep talking
about things and opening up to one another."

As the words came rolling off of Mr. Rollins’
tongue, the tone in his voice became bitter. I wasn't sure how to feel about
all of this, but both of their behavior was really starting to throw me for a
loop. I shook my head in disgust. I wasn't sure if Tristan was using me to get
himself out of here quicker, but Mr. Rollins reaction was just as puzzling.

I hardly paid any attention the rest of group. I
found myself lost in a daze trying to decipher the hidden meaning in Tristan's
answer. There was definitely something he wasn't telling me. When Mr. Rollins
called the end of group, I stiffened in my chair knowing I was supposed to give
him an answer as to what my decision was. Suddenly an idea hit me, and I stood
up quickly to make my way over to Mr. Rollins.

"Did you decide, Riley?"

"I did. I'll go, if I can bring someone
along."

"And who would that be?"

"Tristan."

I watched shock fall over Mr. Rollins and Tristan's
face. "What? Why me?"

"Why not." I replied.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Riley. This
is something I think you need to deal with on your own."

"Well that's the only way I'm going. So take
it or leave it." I watched Mr. Rollins ponder what I just said for a few
minutes.

"Tristan, are you willing to go?"

"I have no idea where we're even going?"
He looked scared.

"Neither does Riley, so I guess you two can
help each other with this."

"Alright, yeah. Let's go."

~~~~

We had been driving for a little over twenty
minutes down the Pacific Coast Highway, when I started to realize exactly where
we were going. I could feel my palms getting sweaty, and my heart start to
race. I hadn't been back to this spot and I didn't plan on it anytime soon.
This was the spot that I had planned to leave this earth. This was the place
that a perfect stranger took my will to make my own choices away from me. I
looked over at Tristan who didn't seem to have a clue what was going on. I
looked at him pleading for him to ask Mr. Rollins to take us back, but he
didn't. He just simply placed his hand, palm up in between us. I took in a deep
breath and slowly let it out as I placed my hand on top of his. My fingers slid
down between each of his and he slowly closed his hand around mine. For the
first time in my life I didn't pull away, and I didn't feel scared. I almost felt....safe.

We pulled onto the dirt road that led to the top of
the cliff overlooking Malibu. Mr. Rollins put the car in park and waited for us
to exit. When he realized I wasn't moving, he turned to look at me, but our
entangled hands distracted him.

"Riley, what is this place?"

"Somewhere I
don't
want to be." I felt Tristan squeeze my hand in support
and I let out an audible breath.

"I understand that, but I think you need to
face what brought you to my therapy group, before we go any further."

I nodded in agreement and reached for the door
handle with my free hand. Tristan looked shocked as I exited the car still
holding onto his hand. He had no choice but to follow behind me. I slowly made
my way over to the edge where I had been eight days earlier. I leaned forward a
bit, looking down below, when Tristan tugged on my fingers.

"You don't have to do this."

I turned and looked at him as my fingers left his
grip. "Yes I do."

I stepped closer to the edge and took in a
cleansing breath. It was an amazing feeling being this high up with nothing
below to catch me. I didn't get the urge to jump, but the thought had passed
quickly through my mind.

"Why did you come here that night,
Riley?"

I closed my eyes as the wind whipped around me.
"I came up here, to end my life." It was the first time I had
admitted this to anyone out loud.

"What made you pick this spot?"

"This was the last place I had been with my
dad, before he died."

"And when was that?"

"When I was three, I think. I know I shouldn't
be able to remember things from when I was that young, but it was the last
memory I have of him. He brought me here two months before my third birthday.
We had a picnic of sorts. I remember a pink balloon and a basket full of
toys." I kept my eyes closed as I spoke. I couldn't find it in myself to
look at either of them.

"And what happened when you jumped?"

I shook my head, "I didn't jump. I just fell
forward, but someone grabbed me. Someone saved me that night."

"Why do you think someone saved you?"

"Honestly, I don't know, but I wish they
would've just let me go." I turned around to look at Tristan. Just his
presence made me want to talk about things, to be honest with myself. When my
eyes caught his, they had a sadness to them that I hadn't seen yet. "Why
should I live, when I have nothing to live for?" The question hung in the
air. Both men seemed to be contemplating what I was really saying.

"Because sometimes living is braver than
giving up." Tristan's words surprised me. He was the person who seemed to
always be giving up, so why would he tell me not to?

"How can you say that?"

"Because I've tried to give up too many times
and believe me, it's not worth it. Someone, somewhere would miss you."

"I doubt that." I whispered. Tristan
stepped closer to me and I held up my hand for him to back off. "Not
everyone has that, Tristan. Not everyone has faith in people like you do."

"I have faith in you, Riley."

My eyes shot up to his. I wondered why this man in
front of me could still find faith in the world, yet still try to leave it so
many times.

Flashbacks of that night flashed quickly through my
mind. I remember falling. I remember dying. I remember a hand pulling me up,
and I remember shouting to let me go. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I
shuddered at the touch, until I saw that it was Tristan.

"It's okay to
want
to live, Riley."

"I know, but it's also scary to want something
I've never wanted before." I stared at his mesmerizing face, as I
experienced emotions that I had never felt before.