You can do this,
Holly,
I silently give myself a pep
talk.
“I lied to you,
again,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “When I said that I just wanted
to be friends...” my voice trails off. My heart is beating so hard and fast
that I can feel it lodged in my throat, blocking any air trying to get to my
lungs. Swallowing hard and trying not to pay attention to what my body wants, I
try to find the words, try to fill the silence, but my mind is overcome by his
closeness to me. My eyes are adjusting to the darkness and, from the little
light that is cast from the moon, I can see his chest is bare. I can’t help it
as my eyes trail up the length of it and then back down.
“Yeah, I lied to
you, too,” he says finally, his voice dry and rough. The last word barely makes
it out of his mouth before his arms are around me and his lips are on mine,
giving me what I really want and need from him. Without any effort, he picks me
up, sits back farther on the couch, and sets me on top of him... all in one
swift move and all without breaking our connection. My legs are straddled on
either side of him and I bury my hands in his hair, pulling him closer to me,
pressing his lips harder to mine.
Days, weeks, and
months of lying to myself, lying to him, and denying what I want—what my body wants—is
trying to catch up from the lost time. Clamping down on my thighs he jerks me
forward, bringing me tighter against him, giving me even more of a hunger for
him. Our lips slide over each other’s in quick, ravenous, surges; both of us
taking short gasps of air before diving back into each other.
Breaking from our
kiss he hungrily trails kisses down my neck, taking in mouthfuls of my skin,
sucking on it, causing moans and whimpers to escape me. His lips come back to
meet mine and I work mine against his, urgently. His hands glide over the tops
of my thighs, up to my hips, and then slowing his movements, they gently drift
under my shirt to rub across my stomach and along my ribs. His soft and sweet
movements cause me to slow down my pace as well, wanting to enjoy every piece
of him I can.
“Holly,” he gasps,
breaking our connection, slowly drawing away from me.
“Yeah,” I breathe,
pulling him back to me.
He removes his hand
from under my shirt and gently releases the grip I have around his neck,
joining our hands and resting them on his chest in between us.
“I think we should
slow down before things go too far.”
Feeling the rush of
his kiss and his touch evaporate out of me, I exhale loudly and lean back,
knowing he’s right, yet still wishing he hadn’t stopped.
“You’re right,” I
agree, trying to catch my breath.
Chapter Nineteen
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds
of happiness.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
The next morning, I wake up
on the couch alone. The images from last night run through my head and I would
swear that it was just a dream, but the soreness that lingers on my lips from
our rough kiss tells me that it was all real. Sucking on my bottom lip, I can
still taste her and remember how soft her skin felt against mine and how sweet
she tasted. It’s making me crazy and I’m beginning to regret stopping it from
going further.
I’m not sure where the control to pull
away from her came from last night because God knows I want her. I want her so
badly, but there are still a lot of things that need to be said between us.
I’ve already let too much time go by without telling her the truth.
I hear a door open
from one of the upstairs bedrooms, and a few seconds later I hear another one
shut. The toilet flushes, the faucet runs, and then footsteps start down the
stairs. I’m hoping it’s Holly and I’m hoping that her face doesn’t hold a look
of regret. I don’t regret a second of what happened last night and I’m not sure
what it would do to me if I know she does.
When she finally
appears, she meets my stare and an adorable smile spreads across her face,
causing my breath to catch.
“Morning.” I smile.
The smile she’s wearing grows wider, allowing me to relax a little.
“Good morning.” She
continues making her way to the couch and takes a seat beside me, almost in the
exact spot she started in last night.
“You marked me,”
she says.
“I what?”
She moves her long
brown hair over to one shoulder, exposing her neck and I finally see what she
means. A large hickey rests on the base of her throat, glowing like a beacon in
the night.
“Oh, man. I’m so
sorry. I got a little carried away.”
“Don’t be sorry,”
she says, stealing the line I’ve used on her a couple times. “I’m not.”
When another door
from upstairs opens, our connection is broken and Jenna joins us in the living
room.
“Breakfast is on us
this morning. Josh feels like sleeping the day away,” Jenna says, annoyed,
making her way into the kitchen.
“I’ll help.” Holly
stands, smiling back at me.
After joining them
in the kitchen, I’m aware of every move Holly makes and I don’t miss the small
gestures she gives me every time she passes by me. The way her fingers linger a
little longer than they have to when she hands the butter to me or the way her
whole body brushes against mine when she squeezes in between me and the counter
in order to get to the refrigerator.
We’re about to sit
down to eat when Jenna gasps. “Holly! What is that on your neck? Is that a—”
“What’s on whose
neck?” Josh asks, walking in, finally gracing us with his presence.
“Uh, nothing. Josh,
would you grab the OJ out of the fridge, please?” Jenna asks, clearly trying to
distract Josh from seeing anything. Holly is biting her lip, trying to hide a
smile as she moves her hair around to cover the mark I left on her neck.
When I glance up, Jenna’s
looking between me and Holly, smiling wide and shaking her head.
I’m convinced that
my best friend is the most relentless person on the planet. We aren’t even two
steps outside of Josh and Carter’s before she stops me and pulls my hair away from
my neck.
“Holly Ann. It’s
about damn time, girl.”
I lean back,
pulling my hair back and continuing down the flagstone path.
“You’re not even
going to tell me about it?” She follows close behind me.
“Do you really want
details?”
“Uh,
yeah
,”
she responds as if it’s a no brainer.
I laugh, shaking my
head and pulling open my car door. “Well, I don’t think I’m comfortable giving
you the details.”
“Oh, my God! It’s
been hell watching the two of you the last few months. I’ve seen you go through
hell, Carter’s been a miserable SOB, and now you’re not even gonna let me reap
the benefits with you?”
“I’m still not even
sure what it means. We didn’t get a lot of talking done last night if you know
what I mean,” I say, glancing over at her and she squeals loudly.
“Oh, this is so
great,” she says, smiling. “It became so unbearable watching the two of you.
Josh and I were actually planning an intervention soon.”
“What are you
talking about?” I ask, snapping my seatbelt in place and starting the car.
“Oh, come on.” She
looks over at me, rolling her eyes. “The two of you have been torturing one
another for months. I can’t believe that the two of you didn’t take down the
house last night with how much sexual tension has been bottled up over the last
few months.”
Yeah, me either
, I think to myself. I was ready to release all of
that last night, it was Carter who pulled away and wasn’t so sure.
❧
That night, the
four of us go out to the dance club I’ve been hearing about all semester. Jenna
and I are in the mood for dancing and, after a lot of coaxing, I’m even able to
get Carter out on the dance floor with me. Towards the end of the night, I’m
not sure what is going on with him, but he seems upset or distracted. The two
of us really haven’t gotten a chance to talk privately about what happened
between us last night and, by the cold shoulder he has been giving me the last
hour or so, I fear that maybe he’s starting to regret it.
By the time we are
on our way back to his house, it’s almost like he’s going out of his way to
avoid touching me or looking me in the eyes. He’s driving and Jenna and Josh
are in the backseat keeping each other busy. When I reach out and try to grab
his hand, he casually moves it away, causing my insides to feel like they’re
being twisted.
When we arrive back
at their house, Jenna and Josh head upstairs to finish what they started in the
car while Carter and I are left downstairs alone.
“Hey, is everything
alright with you? With us?” I ask.
“I need to talk to
you about some stuff,” he says, looking down at the floor. “Let’s go out to the
garage.”
My breath catches
from hearing his tone. I swallow hard a few times, feeling the fear build all
the way up in my throat. “Okay.”
He turns and I
follow him down the hall and into the garage. My whole body is shaking and I’m
not sure if it’s from the temperature in the garage or if it’s from fear of
what he’s about to say.
My stomach squeezes
when he turns to face me and I feel like I’m going to be sick. There’s
something in his eyes that I don’t like.
Please, please don’t tell me that
you don’t want me,
I think to myself. I don’t think my heart could handle
hearing that right now.
“There’s something
I need to tell you,” he begins, taking a deep breathe. “About what happened the
night of the accident with Adam.”
Whoa, I wasn’t
expecting to hear those words come out of his mouth.
“Carter, I can’t
talk about that. I don’t want to talk about that night.”
With his head down,
he takes my hands into his. “I have to talk about it. When I started to have
feelings for you, I told myself that you would know the truth before we went
any further. I’ve let things get too far without telling you, but I’m ready
now.”
Fear spreads
throughout my body and my legs feel weak beneath me. My mind is racing. What
could he possibly have to tell me? Adam died during a rescue... what else did I
need to know? I squeeze my eyes tight and shake the thoughts out of my head.
Why is he doing this?
“Carter, I know
what happened and I prefer not to relive it. Please don’t do this.”
“No, you don’t know
everything.” He pauses for a moment, his face strained. “Did you know that I
was out there with him that night?”
An image of him in
the hospital with dirt smeared and his jacket ripped down the side enters my
mind. I don’t answer him, but I feel my face contort and pain courses through
every inch of my body.
“Did you know that
Adam was covering my shift for me that night? Earlier that day, I found out my
dad died from a heart attack and Paul called in Adam to take my place.”
My eyes close and I
recall Adam telling me that they were one guy short, something about a last
minute cancellation.
“Stop.” I open my
eyes and see the pain in his. “
Please
, I don’t want to hear anymore. I
don’t want to hear it,” I repeat those words over and over again, but he
doesn’t listen; he doesn’t stop.
“After I decided to
go on the rescue with them, I was responsible for Adam that night. It was my
decision to descend during the storm. We should’ve waited. I was supposed to
watch out for him. It was—”
“Stop!” I scream.
“Just stop!” I begin to back away from him, feeling the hot tears streaming
down my face. “I asked you to stop! I don’t want to hear anymore!” My voice is
shaking.
“Holly, please—”
“Just stop
talking!” I yell at the top of my lungs. “I didn’t want to know all of that. I
didn’t want to know!” I scream as though the louder my voice gets, the more the
pain will flow out of me.
His face twists.
“I’m sorry, but I had to tell you. I couldn’t look at you anymore, knowing that
you didn’t know the truth,” he says, taking a couple steps towards me.
I take two back,
wanting to keep the distance between us. “I can’t do this.” I shake my head. My
mind is still swimming with the words he said. “I can’t do this,” I say again,
taking a few more steps closer to the door. Without saying another word to him,
I turn around, wanting to find Jenna and have her bring me home.
Before I reach the
door, though, it flies open and Josh is standing there, looking at me. “What
the hell is going on out here?”
Within a few
seconds, Jenna is standing beside him and they’re both staring at me with a
horrified expression.
Jenna’s face turns
to anger and her eyes fly over to Carter. “What did you do? You told her,
didn’t you?! Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?” Jenna yells at him. “I told
you all it would do was hurt her!”