My head spins at
what she just said. She knew? My heart hammers in my chest and then it all
makes sense. Jenna has known all along; Travis and the words he said to me at
the football game finally make sense. I feel like a complete fool. Everyone has
known.
“You knew?” I ask,
looking directly at her.
Her face falls as
she looks back over at me. “Holly, I was just trying to protect you.”
“By lying to me? By
keeping something like this from me?” My voice rises with each word that
escapes my lips.
She takes a couple
steps towards me and reaches out for me, but I move away. “I knew how badly you
wanted to forget that night. I tried to tell you once, but then, after some
time passed, I didn’t think you wanted to know the details. Holly, please, you
have to understand.”
I shake my head
over and over, trying to drown out her voice.
“You’re a liar!” I
say, choking back the tears. “This whole time you’ve been lying to me. Even
when I started to have feelings for him—real feelings—you didn’t think it was a
good time to tell me then?” My voice sounds hoarse from yelling and it cracks
on the last word. I wipe away my tears.
Tears are streaming
down her face, too, and there’s not one ounce of me that wants to console her.
There is so much anger in me right now; I’m not sure what to do with it all.
“Hey, let’s all
calm down and come inside to talk this out,” Josh says, his voice is soft and
quiet as he grabs Jenna’s shoulders, giving them a light squeeze.
My eyes focus on
Jenna and I squeeze my eyes tight, hoping to keep the next round of tears
bottled up. “I’m tired of talking,” I say, opening my eyes and pushing past
Jenna.
“Holly, wait.
Please don’t leave so upset.” She tries to reach out for me, but I move away
and keep walking down the hall. “We can go home and talk this out, okay,” she
says.
Stopping abruptly,
I whirl around to face her. She jerks to a stop and swallows hard. “Don’t
follow me. Leave me alone. I. D
on’t
. Want. To. Talk. To. You,” I say,
through gritted teeth.
Chapter Twenty
Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is
invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to
transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession
could.
~ Barbara de Angelis
HOLLY
It has been two days
since my explosion over at Josh and Carter’s house. I haven’t heard from Carter
and I’m pretty sure I won’t. The way I talked to him the other day, I’m not
sure he’ll ever speak or look at me again. Truthfully, I’m not ready to face
him just yet, anyway.
That night, when I
got home, I lied in bed and cried. I cried for Carter and the pain I saw in his
eyes when he opened up to me and told me what he had been keeping bottled up
for so long. I cried for Jenna and the friendship I feared I ruined forever. I cried
for Adam. I cried for what we had together and what we would never have. I
cried because, deep down, it felt like I was finally letting go of him. There
would always be a part of me that would love and cherish him and that thought
gave me some peace.
Jenna comes home
the following morning and I spend the entire day crying on her lap and begging
for her forgiveness. All the things that I said to her the night before, I
regretted them the moment they came out of my mouth. It wasn’t until I got home
that I realized just how sorry I was and hoped that she would forgive me. She
has been nothing but a great friend to me and I wouldn’t have survived without
her. She did keep things from me, however, it wasn’t to be mean or to hurt me;
she honestly thought she was protecting me.
“Hey, we are in
need of groceries in a bad way and I’m not sure I can stomach any more takeout.
Do you feel like getting out and going grocery shopping with me?” Jenna asks,
standing in the kitchen.
I shrug. “Not
really.”
She comes to sit
beside me on the couch. “Holly, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m worried
about you. You’re starting to scare me.”
I nod my head. “I
know; I’m scared, too.” I am. The past few months I’ve tried really hard to dig
myself out of the dark hole I’ve been in and, now, it feels like I’m slowly
slipping back into it. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to
put Jenna through that again.
“Do you need
anything?” she asks.
“No, I just need
some more time. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Okay, well, I’m
going to go get us some food. I’ll get us the good stuff... you know, ice
cream, cookies… ooh, maybe I’ll bake us a cake, a chocolate one with strawberry
icing. How does that sound?”
“Sounds good.” I
laugh at how her whole face lights up.
“Be back soon,” she
says, grabbing her purse and heading out the door.
While she’s gone, I
try to get some laundry done. I’m determined not to let myself become that
horrible, disgusting witch I was a few months ago.
After folding a
load of towels that were in the dryer, I walk in my bathroom to put them up and
catch a glimpse of myself the mirror, shuddering at the reflection staring back
at me.
Blasting the hot
water, I’m more determined than ever to erase the reflection in the mirror.
Gripping the bottom of my shirt, I begin to pull it over my head when I hear my
cell phone ringing in the living room. Hope shoots through me when I think it
could be Carter calling. I would do anything to hear his voice right now, even
though I’m not sure what I would say to him if I do? Deep down, I’m embarrassed
at the way I acted the other night. It took a lot of courage for him to tell me
the truth about that night and I threw it back in his face. Releasing my grip,
I let my shirt fall back down and reach over to turn off the water.
When I finally
reach my phone, it stops ringing
and
Missed Call – Josh
is
displayed on the screen. Immediately, my throat feels thick and a wave of
humiliation washes over me. Not wanting to give myself any reason to chicken
out, I tap his name and press send.
“Hey, Holly.”
“Hi, Josh.”
“How are you?” he
asks.
“I’m okay.”
“Do you have a
minute to talk?”
“Uh sure, Jenna
just ran out for some groceries,” I answer.
“Yeah, I just got
off the phone with her. I wanted to wait and talk to you when she wasn’t
around. She doesn’t really want me talking to you right now.”
Feeling a horrible
pain in my chest, I take a deep breathe in. “What is it that you want to talk
about?”
“Well, I want to
talk to you about that night… the night of the accident. Is that okay? I won’t talk
about it if it’s gonna upset you.” He pauses. “You can tell me if you’re not
ready.”
I squeeze my eyes
tight and bite my lower lip. “It’s okay,” I breathe into the phone.
“Just tell me to
stop if it gets to be too much, okay?”
“Okay,” I say,
gulping loudly.
“I’m not sure what
Carter told you the other night, but I know he feels this guilt for what
happened and I want you to know that it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t up there
that night, but Paul was and he told me everything. Carter’s the best rescue
guy we have and he did everything he could. When the storm rolled in, they were
in a hurry to get down as fast as possible, but when the rain started and the
wind picked up, they somehow lost their footing along the ridge and were both
knocked off. Carter slid for a hundred feet or so, but he was able to get
control and stop himself. When Carter finally saw Adam, he realized that he had
fallen a lot farther and Carter almost died himself trying to get to him. There
wasn’t anything anyone could’ve done. It was Carter’s call to head back down
the mountain, but he made the call based on what he was trained to do. Being a
part of the rescue team is risky—plain and simple—and unfortunately, accidents
happen. Adam knew that, too.” He sighs. “Listen, Holly. Carter has questioned
that night so many times, in so many ways... he believes that if he could’ve
gotten to Adam sooner, then maybe things could’ve been different. If they had
just waited out the storm, or if Adam had never been called to take Carter’s
place, it’s possible that Adam could be here today,” he pauses for a moment, “I
just don’t want you to blame Carter.”
“I don’t,” I
whisper, wiping away tears from my cheek. “I don’t blame him.”
He clears his
throat. “Well, he’d probably like to hear you say that. The way you left here
the other night, I’m pretty sure he took it that way.”
I swallow the
thickness in my throat. “How is he?”
“I don’t know. He’s
been on the mountain the last few days. This is what he does; he’s pretty good
at escaping life. I’ve tried calling him, but he won’t answer his cell. I’m
gonna go up there tomorrow if I don’t hear from him.”
“Will you call me
and let me know. I mean, when you finally talk to him.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
❧
I spent the rest of
the day trying to keep my mind off what Josh told me earlier in the day. Even
though I know I needed to hear it, it hurts too much to think about. Luckily,
Jenna comes home and distracts me. She has bags full of junk food and, even
then, she still insists on baking the chocolate cake with strawberry icing.
Jenna spends most
of the afternoon trying to convince me to go with her to Josh and Carter’s
later that evening. If I thought there was the slightest chance Carter would be
there, I would’ve gone, but after talking with Josh earlier in the day, I know
he won’t be.
“You sure you won’t
come with me? I think we’re just going to watch movies,” Jenna says slinging
her purse onto her shoulder.
Translation: Josh and I are going to put a
movie in and make out like two sex-crazed teenagers.
My heart aches because
I can’t help thinking of the inside joke between Carter and me.
“No, I’m good.” I
smile. “Go already. It’s been three days since the two of you have seen each
other. I don’t know how you’re not climbing the walls.”
“I’m not that
attached to him,” she argues.
“Whatever.” I roll
my eyes playfully at her.
“C’mon, I’ll even
have Josh sit on the floor or something so we won’t be tempted to even touch
each other.”
I laugh. “No,
really, I’m okay here. Now, go before you get on my nerves.”
“You’re such a bitch,”
she says it like she means it, but the smile on her face tells me differently.
“Just call me if you need anything, okay?”
“I will,” I say,
smiling back.
I’m not really in a
happy smiling mood, but I do it to make her feel better and so she’ll go actually
have fun tonight. I know she misses Josh. She hasn’t seen him for a few days,
being my babysitter and all.
When she leaves, I
turn on the T.V. and start folding the pile of laundry on the couch. A loud
beeping noise brings my attention to the screen and I glance over to see a
weather alert flash across the screen.
WINTER STORM
WARNING: FREEZING TEMPERATURES AND HEAVY SNOW FOR DENVER AND SURROUNDING AREAS
I glance out the
window and see the snow has already started to fall and I’m thankful that Jenna
got out of here before the storm hit.
The hours pass
slowly and it’s around eleven when I finally give up for the night. My thoughts
have been on Carter for most of the night and, as much as I want to call him,
I’m still not sure what to say to him.
Dragging myself to
the bathroom to get ready for bed, I flick on the light and smile at the
message that Jenna has written on the mirror with bright red lipstick. How had
I missed her doing this?
CALL CARTER, YOU’LL
FEEL BETTER
God I love her. I’m
not sure why it takes seeing that message to know what I have to do. It’s the
same thing I have been fighting doing all night. Running back to the living
room, my eyes scan the couch and coffee table for my phone, but I don’t see it.
I run back to my room and see it lying on my bed and my whole body aches from
the anxiety of hearing his voice soon. The voice that I used to fear has now
turned into a voice that I ache to hear. Right now, I need to hear it more than
my next breath.
Pressing call, I
hold my breath and wait. There’s not a single ring before the call goes
straight to voicemail. I fall back on my bed, my mind desperately working,
trying to think of what to do next, and knowing I have to talk to him.
Searching the internet on my phone, I find the phone number for the mountain
rescue headquarters and don’t hesitate.
After three rings
someone picks up, but it’s not Carter.
“Mountain rescue,
this is Paul.”
My stomach clenches
and I use my free hand to grip around my waste. “Hey, Paul, this is Holly...
Holly Treadwell.” I’ve met Paul a couple times at Josh and Carter’s and then
the day at the football game. “Do you remember me?”