Falling for Seven (33 page)

TALKING ABOUT JULIAN in front of the whole class was as painful as cutting open my heart for everyone to stand and watch me bleed out. I had to take myself out of the auditorium to regroup and get a hold of myself before I could go back in and act like this was just another day and that was another paper reaching out for an A. of course, there had been a ton more work involved than the basic summary. There was the research about Julian and his life, the days we had spent together, all written down for Marcus to see what led us to this path. But that was for him to grade, and the gory part—the exciting part—to be read for everyone’s enjoyment.

“Baby, are you okay?
Pareces triste.
” Mom folded a dress into her bag, flattening the creases in the material. She’d travelled light. She had left most of her things at the apartment in Santa Monica when she left a year ago, and my dad had happily gotten rid of every last item.

“I’m good, mom. Just thinking about leaving, that’s all.”

“It’s only fall break. You’ll be back.”

“For a few weeks.”

“I never realized you liked it so much here. I thought my sunbeam would be missing the land of golden sands.”

I passed her a freshly folded T-shirt, and started gathering up her few toiletries. “It’s not that. I can’t wait to get back to Cali. I’ll miss school, and I have friends here.”

“¿Es un niño?”
She put down the clothes, pulling me down onto the guest bed with her. “Tell me about him.”

“Not much to tell. I thought he was special… he wasn’t. I mean, he is. But he’s not meant for me.”

“
¿Qué hizo él?
”

What did he do?
Now there’s a question.

“Nothing worth moping over. It’s in the past, I kinda want to keep it there.”

“You are
inteligente.
This boy—” She shook her head, smiling. “—Not so much. He’d be
loca
to let you go.”

I hugged her, breathing in her spicy scent. “I don’t know how I ever survive without you, mom. I love you.”

“You got me now.
Te amo, baby.
”

<>

Friday came quickly. My flight to LAX wasn’t until eight-thirty tonight, and there was someone I needed to see before I boarded the plane. I knocked on Julian’s door. He wasn’t in, he was at practice. It was why I was here, now, at four in the afternoon when I knew he wouldn’t be.

The door opened and Kristina looked at me, her eyes promptly narrowing.

“I just want to say bye to Taj.”

She opened the door wider, stepping out of the way. “He’s in his room. First door on the right, in case you haven’t already been up there.” She looked at me like she knew fine well that I had been upstairs, but not as innocently as to visit Taj.

“Thanks,” I said, walking in. “I won’t be long.”

I could feel her eyes on me as I walked up the narrow stairs, my hand sliding up the banister. I was about to knock on Taj’s door when I saw it was closed, before I remembered he wouldn’t hear me. Thinking that one day he would be able to hear sounds, regardless of how faint, and knowing Julian could offload some of his guilt, brought a release of pressure to my chest. I knew how much Julian was suffering, and I knew how huge the day would be when Taj listened to the noises around him for the first time.

I just wished I could have been there for it.

I opened the door slowly. The kid was ten, he may have needed his privacy. He looked up from his Warcraft magazine when I walked into his room, smiling as soon as he saw me.

Hi,
I signed.
I came to say goodbye.

He moved over on the mattress, making room for me.
Will you take me to California one day? When you and Julian are friends again?

We are friends now. Only not as close.

He looked considerate, the delicate frown above his eyes smoothing out.
Can I still message you if I want to?

If I can message you. I’m moving away, but I won’t forget you.
I made him look at me.
I know about your surgery. Soon, we’ll speak to each other in another language.

What if I don’t like it?
His frown came back, clouding his big eyes.

I smiled.
You are going to love it. And if you don’t, and like me you miss the silence, then we’ll talk how we always do, so no one else can hear us.

It was rougher than I expected saying bye to Taj, but I’d see him again. I just didn’t know when. There was a clattering in the kitchen, like something heavy had fallen and I ran down the rest of the stairs. Kristina stood over an empty box, groceries strewn all over the floor. “Here, I’ll pick those up. You shouldn’t be lifting anything heavy. You could have called up for me. I’d have got this.”

She ignored me, bending down to help me pick up the mess anyway. “I’m not pregnant anymore.”

“What?” I dropped a pack of apples into the box and looked at her, leaning back on my feet.

“Didn’t Julian tell you?”

“No.”

She seemed surprised by this. She picked up the cereal and stood it in the box. “I had a miscarriage.”

My hand crept to my mouth, to stop it from flying open. “I’m sorry. I never knew.”

“Julian was the first one there. He called the ambulance, stayed with me at the hospital.”

I wanted to ask when it happened, but I had a horrible feeling that I already knew.

Then she surprised me even more by saying, “I know what he did to you. And I also know how badly he is twisting himself up over it. You can put as much physical distance between the both of you as you like, but mentally, you can’t escape him.”

I helped her clear away the rest of the groceries in silence, and then she walked me to the door. “I hope I see you again,” she said when I stepped outside.

“Yeah,” I said, squinting past the halo of sun creeping above Julian’s house. “Goodbye, Kristina.”

I made a stop at Glenvale to check in on Nellie before I went home to get my mom. I signed in and was told by Jennifer that Nellie was in her room, despite the entertainment set up in the eating hall. I walked into her room and my dad was sitting by her bed, paying as much interest as was possible for him as she pointed out Elvis as her boyfriend, Sam. For the first time, I was curious whether Sam actually existed. He probably did. Nellie pulled out all kinds of memories. Even though she had lost her grasp on the present, her past refused to die and stay buried.

My dad angled his head so he could look at me, a conflicted look in his eyes and a firm pull on his mouth. So much to be said, and not one word spoken.

The silence extended for an eternity.

“She’s gone isn’t she?”

He brought his joined fists to his mouth, his elbows on his knees. “I’m sorry.”

I dragged my hands down my face. “Shit.” I slammed my hand into the wall, near enough braking my wrist. “How could she do this!”

Jennifer stepped up to the open door, her expression of alarm transitioning into sympathy. She couldn’t know what had happened, but she was good enough at her job to know that I would cause Nellie undue stress if I carried on this way. “Come on, Nellie. How does a game of cards sound?”

She took her by the arm, leading her from the room. “I’ll come see you before I leave,” I said, as she passed me by.

She smiled up at me, patting my arm. “Okay, Nurse.”

I sat on the bed, anger pummeling through me. “When did she leave? I just saw her on Monday.”

“Don’t know. Pamela called me to say her things were gone and she wanted to know if you’d caught an earlier flight and not told anybody.”

“Did you do or say something to her?”

“Me?” He pointed at his chest, unable to comprehend how he could be responsible of such a thing. “I’ve hardly seen her since she turned up here.”

“Maybe she’s just gone to California ahead of me.”

“Well if she did, she took your ticket.”

Why did I give that back to her? I thought she’d keep it safe. My shoulders sagged and I dropped my head into my hands. “Fucking great,” I mumbled. I looked up, unwilling to give up. “Are you sure this has nothing to do with you?”

“Angel, I loved your mother more than I ever loved anyone, but she is only capable of loving one person. Herself. Maybe I should have tried harder to stick out the relationship, but it didn’t matter how much I loved her, she was a pain in my fucking ass. I don’t know who was more selfish. Her or me.”

“You,” I said, clearing that up.

“And I was wrong to sell the apartment, but how many chances do you want me to give her? She can’t look after herself let alone a child. She doesn’t love herself enough to love you the way she needs to. She’s out there, wherever she is, trying to seek some kind of affirmation, but she won’t find it.”

My mom’s rejection spiked my anger to a prickly dagger, and I sharpened it on my dad. “You’re glad she left me here.”

“You don’t have to hate me to stay loyal to her. Look around you.” He stood up, extending his arms to the side, swallowing the tiny room. “She’s gone. She left you. Again.”

Tears tickled down my face. She wasn’t coming back this time. I knew it in my heart, I might never see her again. And if I did, I doubted I’d want her back.

My dad sat next to me, his hands loose between his legs. I focused on the green carpet under my feet. “Angel, the bravest thing a person can do is love with their whole heart. That’s you, you give a person everything. I’ve never met anyone like you, and I probably never will. But you understand that you deserve better than what she’s giving you, don’t you?”

My throat clenched with tears.

“I only brought you to Boston because I love you. I should have been more honest about my intentions of selling the apartment, but in the end, it was never done so I could have you look at me like you wished I was dead. I pushed trainers on you and got on your back about your skating because I don’t want to see you end up pining over squandered opportunities, like I did.”

I sniffed, wiping my eyes. “Dad, you were injured. It was unavoidable.”

“Doesn’t make it any less painful” He parked his hand on my leg, the first physical contact we had had in years, and I shoved my head into his side, his arm closing in behind my head. His breath saturated the top of my head. “I’m on your side from now on. You might not have your mom with you, but you sure as hell still have me. I’m sorry for measuring you up to her. You are your own person and I don’t want you to change anything about yourself. My dislike for Selene should never have passed over to you. I just loved her and hated her so much, I let my emotions turn poisonous. Looking at you is like looking at her. Sometimes I find it hard to do. I forget you are aren’t one and the same.”

It was just like Marilyn said. It had nothing to do with being Mexican. It had to do with his low tolerance of my mom. I wiped my cheeks on his university polo, dragging the rough material under my eyes. “Did you miss practice to be here?” I asked, sitting up. He had a game tomorrow, I was sure he wouldn’t be happy if he had to miss any preparation time.

“I wrapped it up a little early, this is more important.”

“I guess I can take some extra shifts at the bar now I’m not going to Cali.”

“I’m afraid not, Angel. I’ve emailed you a new plane ticket. You’ve got a flight to catch. I’ll take you to the airport.”

My mouth dropped open. “What? Is this for real?”

“One for you, one for Marilyn. She’s probably home now, frantically throwing clothes everywhere. We should get going.”

“Oh my god, Dad. This is awesome.” I threw my arms around his neck, hugging the life out of him. “So you don’t mind me still transferring colleges?”

“It’s your life. I’m just paying for it. But if you ever want to come back, remember you still have a home here and I’d love to have you in it.”

“I won’t ever forget what you are doing for me, Dad.”

“You better not. Did you bring your car?”

“Yeah, I can follow you home.”

I said goodbye to Nellie, not that she was overly concerned with my departure. She was in capable hands with Jennifer, and it felt good to know my dad still visited her. I stood at the main entrance, cascades of rain falling in gray misty sheets from the darkened sky. “See you at home,” I said to my dad, and then opened the door, ready to face the storm and bolt to my car. I wasn’t ready for Julian standing next to it, soaking wet, rain dripping from his hair, his eyelashes.

My dad floundered, stopping not far ahead of me.

“Coach,” Julian said in acknowledgment.

My dad’s eyebrows steeped, his face turning as dark as thunder.
Did he know?

“Don’t waste her time, Julian. She has to be at the airport in an hour.”

“I’ll be quick.”

My dad got in his car, tearing off into the rain, his rear lights hazy in the cloudy backlash from the downpour.