Falling for You (12 page)

“Why can’t he just let me be?” she’d asked me. “If something happens, well, it happens. I am an old lady, after all.”

I could see her point. And she seemed pretty capable to me.

“He loves you, that’s all,” I’d told her.

As I got ready to leave, I’d asked if I could come and visit her at her new place. She’d said she’d like that. I was already looking forward to it.

At nine my phone rang. I turned down the volume on my music before I answered.

“You didn’t call me” were the first words out of Nathan’s mouth.

“Oh, sorry. Lost track of time. See, I got this envelope—” I wanted to tell him about meeting Ella.

“Dinner was a total disaster,” he said. “Mom found out about Dad’s affair. She found texts on his cell phone.”

I sat straight up on my bed. “Are you serious? And she confronted him at dinner? With you there?”

He sniffled a little bit, and I wondered if he’d been crying. “Yeah. I could tell something was up. She stayed quiet the whole way there. Dad tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t have any of it. After we ordered, she let him have it. It’s like she wanted to humiliate him in public or something. I don’t know. Rae, I wanted to die.”

“So what’d you do?”

“She left before our food arrived. Told Dad she was taking a taxi home and if he had any sense at all, he’d get a hotel room. He and I stayed and tried to eat, but our appetites were gone.”

“Nathan, I’m so sorry.” And I did feel bad for him. It was bad enough having parents argue behind closed doors, but in public? I couldn’t even imagine.

“I need to see you. Can I come over?”

“Now? It’s late and my stepdad is home for a change. Trust me, you don’t—”

“Come on. I need you, Rae. If I can’t go over there, could you come here? Mom is holed up in her room, so we’d be alone.”

I was torn. I didn’t doubt for a second he did need someone. But I didn’t really know what to do for him. He probably needed to see his mom more than he needed to see me. I’m sure he felt betrayed, like the one family member he could count on had turned on him, in a way.

“Like I said, it’s late. I’ll stay on the phone with you for a while, if that will help.”

“Don’t you get it? I need you right now. You’re the only one who gives a shit about me. The only one who cares how I feel. I have to see you. I’ll be there in a few.”

He hung up before I could protest. I tried calling him back, but he didn’t answer. I decided I’d better go out and warn Dean we’d be having a visitor.

Nathan had been to my house to pick me up a few times, but he’d never been inside. What would he think? His house was nice. Really, really nice. Ours? Not so much.

Dean was sitting on the couch, a tower of empty beer cans on the coffee table. “Hey, Rae, can you make me a sandwich? I’m starving.”

I went to work picking up his cans. “A friend of mine is
coming over. He’s kind of depressed and needs to talk to me. Please be nice to him, okay?”

“Make me a big ol’ sandwich and I’ll kiss the guy’s stinkin’ feet.”

I took the cans to the recycling bin and went back to the family room to straighten up. Bills and junk mail were scattered everywhere. “Do these need to be paid?” I asked, starting to stack them.

“Hey, what are you doing?” He stood up and snatched the papers out of my hands. “Don’t mess with my stuff. Go make me a sandwich, like I told you.” He threw the papers on the coffee table.

“Can I please put all of that in your room or somewhere out of the way?” I asked.

“No!” He pointed to the kitchen. “Get in there. Now. I’m not gonna tell you again.”

It was hopeless. He was wasted and in a foul mood. My best bet was to get Dean fed, then push Nathan into my bedroom when he arrived. Wouldn’t Nathan love that?

I looked in the fridge for some lunch meat, but we were out. I grabbed a can of tuna fish from the cupboard and went to work cutting up pickles and onions. I wasn’t quite finished putting it all together when the doorbell rang.

I rushed to get it, but Dean was already inviting Nathan inside.

“It’s awful late to be visiting a girl, isn’t it?” Dean asked
as he closed the door. “Especially on a school night?”

“It’s not that late,” Nathan said, smiling. “We’re not third graders, right?”

I winced. Arguing with the guy was not a good idea. “Nathan, come here. I was just making Dean a sandwich. Help me in the kitchen and then we can go to my room.”

“No,” Dean said. “He can stay here with me while you finish up.” He motioned at the couch. “Take a seat. You like wrestling?”

Nathan sat on the couch. “Not really. But you do?”

“Hell, yeah. Check out who’s matched up—”

I went back to the sandwich, hoping Dean wouldn’t say anything to embarrass me. He could talk wrestling for hours, so if they stuck to that, everything would be fine.

Of course, that was wishful thinking. When I took the plate out, Dean was standing, his arms crossed. He looked at me accusingly. “Rae, this kid drives a brand-new Jetta? What kind of high school punk drives a car nicer than most adults’ in Crestfield?” He looked at Nathan. “Are you dealing drugs, son?”

Nathan raised his arms like he was surrendering to the enemy. “No, I’m not dealing drugs.” He chuckled. “Sorta wish I was, though.”

I gave Dean the plate. “Stop it. His dad has a good job. So what? Maybe you could get one too if you tried a little harder.”

I’d wanted to divert the attention away from Nathan. It
worked. Dean narrowed his eyes and glared at me. If Nathan hadn’t been there, he probably would have let off a string of obscenities. “Shit, Rae, I’m trying. I really am.”

I waved at Nathan. “Come on.”

Nathan got up and followed me to my room.

“You okay?” he asked. “You were a little rough on him out there.”

I crossed my arms. “Oh, no. Don’t do that. Don’t defend
him
. Unless you want me to hate you forever.”

He came over and pulled me to him. “I definitely don’t want that.” He kissed me. “You’re the only good thing I’ve got in this world right now.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my neck. “The only one who makes me happy.”

His lips moved up my neck, slowly, and then he nibbled on my ear. His hands moved underneath my T-shirt and caressed my back. I don’t know why, but it annoyed me. Was
this
why he’d come over?

I wriggled out of his arms. “Nathan, come on. Dean could come in here any minute.”

He pulled me to him again. “Nah. He wouldn’t do that. He knows we want to be alone.”

I pushed him away again, harder this time. “I thought you wanted to talk? About what happened at dinner?”

He sat on my bed and pulled me onto his lap. “No. That’s the last thing I want to do. I want to forget about it.” He kissed me. “Come on. Help me forget about it.”

So we were back to this again. His promises conveniently forgotten. It was all about him. What
he
wanted. What
he
needed. I hadn’t even wanted him to come over. But did he care? Did he care how I felt about anything?

I stood up and pointed at the door. “You need to go home.”

Nathan laughed. “No, come on. I just got here.”

Suddenly, everything about him infuriated me. The way he discounted everything I said. The way he needed me all the time. The way he tried to win me over with compliments.

What was I
doing
with him?

“Nathan,” I said, gentler this time. “This isn’t working. Me and you? I’m ending it. Right now. It’s over. I’m sorry, I know you’ve got a lot going on, but I can’t do this anymore.”

He stared at me, like someone had just told him the earth was about to explode. He shook his head, slowly at first, then faster. “No. No, you don’t mean it.” He stood up, his eyes pleading with me. “We belong together, Rae. You know it. Maybe I shouldn’t have come over here like this, I just—”

I backed toward the door as he talked, and he followed. “You need to go. Now. Or I’ll call Dean and he’ll make you leave.”

It was like I’d flipped a switch. Nathan’s shock turned to anger. I could see it all over his face. He looked like he wanted to punch something.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

“It’s for the best. Really. I mean, we can still be friends. If you want,” I said quietly, but firmly.

He flung open the door so it banged against the wall. “No thanks.”

He stormed out. I listened as he and Dean exchanged a few words, but I couldn’t hear what they said. And I wasn’t about to go out there. After a minute or so I heard the front door open and close.

I waited, wondering if Dean would come and ask what had happened. But he didn’t. I went to the bathroom and got ready for bed.

When I came back, my phone was buzzing.

It was Nathan. I turned it off and crawled into bed, trying to convince myself I had made things better for myself, not worse.

gone

I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE THE RELIEF I FELT WHEN NATHAN WASN’T waiting for me at my locker the next morning. I’d expected a big, ugly showdown. The kind the whole school buzzes about all day long. I was so glad I didn’t get one.

I grabbed my stuff and headed to the benches to find Alix and Felicia. I wanted to tell them about the breakup before they heard it from someone else.

Alix jumped up when she saw me and pulled me over to a quiet corner. “Why is your phone off? What happened? Why’d you break up with him?”

“Who told you?”

“Santiago. I guess after Nathan left your place last night, he went over there. It was not a good scene. Santiago’s dad had to ask him to leave. Nathan was apparently pissed off and letting the entire neighborhood know it.”

I hugged my books tightly to my chest. “See, Alix? Something is seriously wrong with the guy.”

“He was just upset.” She gave me a hug. “Are you okay? I mean, he didn’t freak out on you again, did he?”

“I didn’t give him the chance. Luckily, my stepdad was there, so Nathan did as I asked.” I looked past her. “Have you seen him yet today?”

“No. I don’t think he’s here yet.”

We stood in the corner, waiting, until the bell rang. Nathan never showed up at the benches. Maybe he’d decided it’d be best to avoid the hangout spot. Or was he skipping school entirely? I felt a little tinge of worry. What if he’d done something terrible? No, I told myself. He’s fine. Nathan’s probably just playing games, hoping I’ll get worried and call him.

Still, I turned on my phone to check for any missed calls. There wasn’t anything from Nathan since the one last night. I didn’t know whether I should be relieved or upset.

Well, I wasn’t going to call him. He wasn’t my responsibility. Was he?

I went to English, feeling like I’d swallowed a pincushion. There was a reminder on the board about submitting poetry for the January issue. The deadline was today.

Felicia sat down and placed the December issue on my desk. “Check it out. Anonymous started something. There’s a couple of more in there this time.”

I turned to the poetry pages. The anonymous ones were
grouped together. Along with mine, there was a poem about bulimia. And someone else had written a poem about a relative who’d committed suicide.

“Wow,” I said. “That’s great. Isn’t it? That more people want to share?”

She nodded as Ms. Bloodsaw started class.

I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote a short poem right there on the spot. It came easily. And afterward I felt a little less guilty about breaking up with Nathan.

What I’ve Learned

by Anonymous

I’m not the floor

to be walked on

or the hammer

to be used.

I’m not the choir

to sing your praises

or the commercials

to be ignored.

I’m the baby bird

wanting to fly

and the orchid

starting to bloom.

I’m the bonfire

spreading warmth

and the poem

with something to say.

Good-bye, commercials.

Hello, poetry.

It’s time to start being

the me I want to be.

from bad to worse

NATHAN NEVER SHOWED UP AT SCHOOL. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE worried about him, but I couldn’t stop imagining the worst. After school I had the afternoon off from work, so I got my hair cut before heading home to get ready for dinner with Alix. She’d promised she’d have Santiago swing by Nathan’s house to make sure he was okay. What a good friend.

I got home around five, and had planned to tell Dean he’d have to eat dinner early since I had plans. He probably wouldn’t like it, but it was either that or he could cook himself dinner. When I drove up, his Bronco wasn’t there. I figured he’d gone out again, which was happening more and more often.

So I was surprised when I found him sitting on the couch, a beer in his hand, watching half-naked men pound on each other.

“Where’s your car?” I asked.

He took a drink of beer, in no hurry to answer my question. Finally he said, “Sold it.”

Though I was pretty sure I knew the answer, I wanted to hear what he had to say. “What? Why?”

He glared at me. “Why do you think? We need the money.”

“How are you supposed to look for work then?” He ignored me. I walked over and threw my keys and backpack on the kitchen table. “I’m going to make your dinner now. I have to be somewhere at six.”

“Is someone picking you up?”

“No,” I yelled as I rummaged around in the kitchen.

“Tonight you’ll need a ride.” He appeared just inside the kitchen now. “Because I’m gonna borrow your truck. I need your paycheck, too.”

I scowled at him. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I need to borrow it, so just call one of your friends.”

I threw my arms in the air. “I’m not going to get a ride! That’s
my
truck! God, I already give you most of my paycheck. Isn’t that enough?” I turned and opened a cupboard door. It was empty, with the exception of one can of stewed tomatoes, two cans of corn, and few saltine crackers. “What are you doing with my money, anyway, Dean? Because whatever it is, you’re not feeding us. There’s nothing here to eat. Nothing. Unless you want me to whip up a corn and cracker casserole.”