Authors: Sadie Grubor
"What
is that supposed to mean?"
"It's
just –"
Christopher
stepped out of my bedroom door.
"Um…thanks."
He quickly ran his hand through his hair, waved and left.
"See….nothing."
I headed back to my room to get away from the conversation.
"I
hope their fucking," Kat blurted.
"What?"
Laney giggled loudly.
"I
hope she's getting something worthwhile in this little deal." Kat laughed.
Shutting
my door, I didn't want to hear anything else.
Chapter
Fourteen
Both
my mind and body were exhausted. I barely made it to the first poolside lounge
chair. Hell, I was even too tired to bitch at Jackson for splashing water on
me.
With
my head resting against the chair, my sunglass protected eyes from the sun.
They also, hid my focused attention on Mia when Elliott pulled her into the
pool. She emerged. Her dark saturated hair slicked back, her eyes even more
prominent with the dark tendrils out of the way. It was easier to see the
tattoo on her back as well, which looked to run down the length of her spine.
My
muscles tightened in anticipation of her close proximity. The way she enticed
me had my nerve endings tingling. Sitting motionless as she began to walk pass,
disappointment flooded me without my consent. I seriously thought I might lose
it over the unwanted feeling, but then she nudged me.
For
a moment I froze thinking my sleep deprived brain imagined it all, but then I
took the leap of faith. Neither of us spoke, until I weakly tried to protest
her offer. I barely remember putting my head down. Exhaustion crept over my
eyelids and stilled my body.
It
was only a few hours of sleep, but when I woke, I felt better. Better, but
alone. Her scent lingered in the emptiness next to me.
Looking
to the clock I had a couple of hours before my meeting with Dr. J. Deciding it
was time for me to leave, I collected myself. Mia and Serena were sitting on
the couch and I didn't know what to say. With only a thank you, I left quickly.
The tension between them was thick and I knew it had to be about me. Serena
wasn't shy about making her feelings well known. Who could blame her though? If
only she knew everything, she would really hate me.
Just
as I threw my towel onto the floor, there was a knock at the door. Sliding into
a pair of clean jeans, I grabbed the towel, tossed it over my shoulders, and
answered the door.
"Good
afternoon Christopher." Dr. J wore a pleasant smile.
"Hey,"
Motioning for him to enter, I stepped back from the door and rubbed the towel
over my head.
"Did
I catch you at a bad time? I know I'm a bit early."
"Nah,
it's good." Sitting onto the couch, I pulled towel back around my
shoulders.
"You
don't look too bad, a little tired, but not as bad as I expected." He took
a seat in the overstuffed chair on my right.
"Yeah,
about that…"
Time to confess
.
"Ahh…you
had her help?" He grinned.
Rubbing
the back my head, I pulled the towel from my shoulders.
"Uh,
yeah, this afternoon." Keeping my eyes focused on the towel, I folded it
onto the cushion next to me.
"It's
okay."
My
head snapped up to see if he was joking.
"You
clearly trust her more than anyone else." There was a small shrug in his
shoulders.
He
chuckled at my brow of confusion.
"Have
you thought any more about why she seems to help with your 'situation'?"
I
didn't say anything. I mean, I'd about it a little, but didn't analyze that
shit. He was the one being paid to figure this shit out for Christ's sake.
He
smiled again.
"I'll
take that as a no." He sighed. "Look Christopher, she, for whatever
reason, represents some sort of trust and comfort you don't seem to have with
anyone else; unless there's another emotion or reason you can help me figure
out?"
"Another
emotion?" Leaning back, I shook my head.
"Okay,
then I'll have to go with trust since there're no other feelings you can offer."
He eyed me from in his peripheral vision.
"What?"
I spat. "Don't start acting like those other head-shrinkers."
"How
about you answer some questions for me, unless you want to talk?" He
looked hopeful, but I wasn't going to spew my guts out. So, I shook my head.
"Okay.
Tell me exactly what happened the other morning when you called me." He
sat back and got comfortable while I went through it all. When I finished, he
didn't say anything.
"Alright,
now tell me about the following days, leading up to her 'help.'" So I told
him about not being able to sleep, the pills losing most of the minimal effect
they had, and having the dreams. Then I told him about today with Mia and
sleeping.
"So,
she wasn't there when you woke up in the bed?" He leaned forward, elbows
to knees.
"No,
why?"
"Well,
it seems you need her to fall asleep, but I wonder how long it takes you to
wake up after she gets out of bed or if you even realize it at all." He
rubbed his head. "Hm."
"So
now you're going to tell me I shouldn't let it happen again, right?"
Putting my head back on the chair, I made a silent vow to disobey his order
before he made it.
"No."
For
the second time, I looked at him completely confused. "What? I thought
that –"
"Christopher,
if it's trust and comfort she gives to you, then we can work with this, for
now. If she's willing to allow you to sleep there, then go ahead. However, you
still need to realize once she is gone from your life you won't have that. You
need to deal straight on." He paused to look me in the eye.
Nodding
in agreement, my mind was still stuck on 'gone from your life'. She would
eventually leave too.
"No,
it's not just a nod I need from you, Christopher. You need to understand. It's
time for you to work up to talking about it. If she is the one you trust and
she already knows the story from others telling it, maybe –"
She
would definitely leave if she knew the truth. I wasn't good and as soon as she
about the monster, she would run.
"NO,"
Leaning forward, I leered at him. "I don't want to talk about it, with
anyone. I don't want –"
"To
relive the same memory you already relive every time you go to sleep."
With a small amount of sarcasm, he finished my sentence for me.
Tightly
clenching my eyes, I put my head into my hands. His hand came down gently on my
shoulder.
"I
know it's hard, but you need to let it go. It's not the only thing you have
left."
Her
image flashed into my head, holding me and rubbing my head.
"Let
the guilt go and fight through the pain and hurt."
Unable
to move, I swallowed the sobs and squeezed the tears back.
Having
cried enough, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want it to go away, but
I can't. How can I let her go, when it's my fault? I deserve this punishment.
"How
many people have you loved Christopher?" His question caught me off guard.
Turning and examining his face for a moment, to check he had really asked the
question. "Have you ever been in love with someone?"
"I
don't know."
"You
don't know? How do you not know?" He looked puzzled. "Obviously you
loved your mother. Did you love your fath…urm…step-father?"
Rage
erupted throughout my chest wrapping around my arms until my fists balled. How
could he ask about that asshole? I fought the urge to beat the shit out of him.
That son of a bitch took her from me.
"It's
okay to have loved him. He was your father and he wasn't always the monster you
remember, right?"
I
tried to fight them, to hold them in, but still hot tears streamed down my
cheek. Shaking my head, I refused to remember him as someone I didn't hate.
"It's
okay to have loved him. Your love for him has nothing nor had anything to do
with what happened. They are two different things in themselves. Do you
understand?"
I
nodded to placate.
"Look
at me."
My
eyes stayed hidden in the darkness of my lids.
"Look.
At. Me."
Yielding
to his request, I slowly parted my lashes and looked through my tears.
"Nothing
to do with it." His face was assertive.
Another
tear streamed down. Licking at my dry lips the taste of saltiness registered on
my tongue.
"Have
you ever been in love with someone?" he asked, again.
I
shrugged.
"I-I
don't think so." Choking on a sob, I coughed to cover it.
"Why
do you think that is?" Still unable to speak clearly, I shrugged. "Are
you afraid to lose them or that you'll hurt them?"
The
acceleration of my heart pounded between my ears.
"Okay,
why don't we stop? You seem to have had enough, besides I'm sure you want to
enjoy some of your free time." He stood.
"No."
"What?"
The attempt to cover his surprise in my response was inane.
"No,
I've never been in love with anyone." Hoping to clear my head, I inhaled
deeply. "I can't see them get hurt or watch them leave. I don't deserve
love."
Slowly,
he sat back into his seat. Silence hung in the air. He hadn't prepared for that
response. Somewhere deep down inside of me, the cocky bastard relished it.
"Life
and love is all a risk. You have to accept it all. What happened when you were
younger wasn't because of you or because of love. It was because of a bad
situation that one person couldn't deal with. Not because of you, you defended
yourself." His hand lightly grasped my forearm as he stood again.
Grimacing
at his words, he wouldn't say this shit if he knew the truth.
"Christopher,
you speak as if you're already sure you'll cause the downfall of a
relationship. You are a good man. You just need to realize it."
A
loud snort escaped in response. I was not a good man. I was something entirely
different, something that would change the way everyone saw me.
Another
long silence filled the room. Doc lightly cleared his throat.
"I'll
see you the day after the concert, right?"
I
nodded my head, unable to speak, unable to get pass the monster living inside
of me and keeping our secret.
"Have
a good evening," Dr. J departed the room.
Reeling
from the conversation and his questions, I lay back against the couch.
Why
do I feel comforted by her? Why would I trust her? I barely know her. What
draws me to her? Did the monster in me just want to destroy her?
"I
can't spend all day obsessing over this shit," Growling into the empty
suite, I stood from the couch.
A
glance at my watch told me dinner was in a few hours. With all the pent up
tension, I had Darius set me up in the hotel fitness center and escort me down.
Some weights and hopefully a punching bag would provide some relief.
Sore
from pushing myself hard, the hot shower washed away some of the tension in my
muscles. My phone beeped while I was in the shower and when I finally checked it,
there was a text from Jackson.
'Going
out for dinner. Lobby 45 minutes.'
The
message was from fifteen minutes ago, so I had a half hour to shave and get
dressed.
Taking
out the spikes pierced into my lower lip, I began to lather up my face. My eyes
settled on the reflection. Everything morphed into the monster inside me.
Closing my eyes and gripping the sink, I forced myself through the rest of the shave.
Once finished, I was quick to dress and meet the guys in the lobby.
Sitting
in one of the private areas of a restaurant, there was laughter from the other
side of the room. Elliott stood up and looked. He was such a nosey bastard.
"Elli!"
a familiar voice called out.
Elliott's
face lit up and he waved. Jackson stood next and laughed before sitting down
with a shake of his head.
"It's
the girls," he chuckled.
"Elliott,
sit down," I spit out. Idiot was making a fool of himself.
He
sat down with a glare directed at me. "Chill the fuck out."
After
finishing dinner we sat talking about the tour, shared ideas for new songs, and
other band related topics. It was hard to focus on the conversation, my mind
kept drifting back to my session with the doctor. The questions and statements
he made plaguing my thoughts.
"Uh
oh."
Looking
up at Jackson's outburst, my eyes followed his. He was watching Elliott stand
up with a look of death.