Authors: Megan Nugen Isbell
I sat in the passenger seat as Matt drove the van up Route 160 towards Dempsey, a small town north of Carver. I’d never been there, but Matt said it would take about a half an hour. He put a CD into the stereo and I was surprised when I heard Imagine Dragons coming through the speakers.
“No country?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.
“Never been much of a fan,” Matt said, his eyes focused on the road.
“How is that possible? You grew up in Carver,” I laughed.
“I’ve never been one for listening to someone sing about their dead dog and how their woman left them.” I couldn’t help but laugh at Matt’s analysis. “Are you a fan?”
“It’s growing on me. I never listened to it back in Boston, but my boyfriend likes it, so I’m getting used to it.”
“Hey,” he said, turning his head from the road for a moment to look at me. “I’m really sorry about Jesse’s dad. Jesse always seemed like a nice kid.”
“Wait,” I said curiously. “You know Jesse?”
“A little. He was two years younger than me, but we went to school together. I always liked him.”
“He’s a great guy,” I said softly. “Which is why this whole thing sucks even more. I mean, he’s pretty much on his own now and I just don’t see how he’s gonna be able to do it or how I can even help him. He’s been so different since he found out. I mean, I expect him to be different, but it’s hard,” I said, surprised at how much I was opening up to Matt. As we’d worked together though, I’d found him easy to talk to and as I spoke, I realized it felt good talking about it to an impartial person. Matt had no investment in the situation at all, so he could just listen.
“This kind of stuff…there’s no one way to deal with it. Every situation is different and everyone reacts differently, but all you can do is be there to listen or be yelled at or just be a sounding board or be pushed away.” Something about his voice told me he was speaking from experience.
“Sounds like you understand what I’m going through.”
I looked over at him and saw his eyes focused on the road, but then he nodded.
“It’s not exactly the same as what you’re dealing with,” he began. “About a year and a half ago, my girlfriend, Taryn’s mom, was diagnosed with breast cancer. We’d only been together about six months when she found out and it was tough. It was really tough,” he repeated softly to himself as if he was remembering.
“What happened?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing too much.
“She was just a mix of emotions. All these highs and lows and she’d change in the blink of an eye. It was really hard because I didn’t know what she needed from me, but it never felt like I was doing the right thing mainly because I didn’t know what she wanted from me. One minute she was hot and the next she was cold.”
I turned my head so I stared out the window, watching the plains zip by us, and I closed my eyes for a moment, realizing Matt knew exactly how I was feeling.
“So, how’d it all turn out? How’d you figure it out?” I finally asked a few moments later.
“I don’t think I ever did figure it out. I just became whatever she needed from me. I was like a chameleon, changing to fit whatever she needed. I’m not saying that’s the right way to do things, but when you love someone, you’re willing to do whatever it takes.”
I smiled and for the first time I felt hopeful since we’d found out about Jesse’s dad.
“Is her mom okay?”
“Yes, thankfully. Full remission and everything’s back to normal.”
“And you guys are still together?” I prodded.
“We are. She lives in Topeka though. She’s actually spending the summer in Italy on an exchange.”
“How’s that going?” I asked, wondering if I’d be able to be away from Jesse for that long, and he laughed a little.
“It sucks,” he said flatly. “It’s only for a couple of months though, right? Not that much can change in two months.”
“No, I guess not,” I said, hoping he was right.
****
When I got home from work that afternoon, Jesse wasn’t there. My grandma said she hadn’t seen him all day. A part of me was worried about him and I took out my phone, wondering if I’d missed a call or a text from him. I hadn’t. I tried remembering my discussion with Matt, but it was hard to just sit around and wait. I was anxious to hear what he’d learned from his uncle. Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialed his number and tapped my fingers on my thigh as I waited for him to answer. He finally did after the fourth ring.
“Hey,” I said, trying to sound supportive, and not overly cheerful when he picked up. “How’s everything going?”
“It’s okay,” he said and I couldn’t tell how to read his voice.
“Where are you now?”
“I’m just getting ready to leave Glenn’s house.”
“Are you coming back here?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a few,” and with that, he hung up. I stared down at the phone curiously because of his abrupt end to the conversation. I tried brushing it off though and I went into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich while playing a few rounds of a mindless game on my phone to kill some time. I headed upstairs then and changed into a pair of comfortable yoga pants and a t-shirt. I stood in front of the vanity in my room, undoing my ponytail so my dark hair fell down my back. I fluffed it and scratched my scalp for a moment, something that always felt great when it’d been tied back all day.
“I love when your hair is all wild like that.” Jesse’s deep voice interrupted my thoughts and I turned to see him leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over the black t-shirt he was wearing. He was smiling at me the way he had before his dad passed away and I couldn’t help my mind from drifting to our morning together.
“My hair’s a mess,” I sighed.
“I think it’s hot.”
He stepped into my room and sat down on the bed. I walked over, sitting down beside him as I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He took my hand and just held it for a few moments. I waited for him to tell me about his visit with his uncle, but he didn’t.
“Is Glenn settled in?” I finally asked.
“Yeah. This woman, Patty, is there helping him. I guess she’s his girlfriend or used to be or something. I don’t really know.”
“Did you find out anything…about your dad?”
“Yeah. He told me my dad kept a strong box at the house so I went back and found it and brought it back to Glenn’s. We went through the stuff in there. He had a will and in it, he left everything to me and since I’m 18, I don’t need an executor or anything. I guess I’m an adult, even though I sure as hell don’t feel like one right now,” he sighed and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and he kept on talking. “He had a life insurance policy that should cover the funeral expenses and he had some money in savings that should tide me over for a little while.”
“That’s good, right?” I asked positively and he turned to face me, a straight line on his face.
“I guess so,” he mumbled and I wondered if I’d said something wrong.
The sound of my phone ringing interrupted us and I looked at him apologetically before I went to answer it, stepping into the bathroom when I saw it was Holly.
“How’s Jesse?” she asked the moment I answered.
“He’s just trying to get everything situated for the service on Saturday.”
“We’ve all been trying to reach him, but he’s not returning any of our calls,” she said and I could hear the concern in her voice. “We even went out to his house last night.”
“He’s staying with me right now and about the phone calls, he’s just…he’s just got a lot to do.”
“We’re worried about him. Can we come over tonight to see him? We’ll bring some pizza and just hang out.”
“I don’t know, Holly. He’s not been acting like himself.”
“Which is why we need to be there. We’ll take his mind off of everything. We’ll be there at six, okay?”
“Alright,” I said hesitantly. I hung up the phone, but didn’t go back into my room right away. Maybe Holly was right. Maybe a distraction would be a good thing for Jesse.
I walked back into my bedroom and he was still sitting on the edge of the bed the way I’d left him.
“So, who was so important you had to sneak off to take the call in the bathroom? Do you have a secret boyfriend I don’t know about?” he laughed.
“It was Holly,” I said, returning to my spot next to him.
“What’d she want?”
“To tell me they’re coming over tonight to see you,” I answered and he let out a noticeable sigh.
“I don’t want to see them,” he said firmly.
“Well, they want to see you. Holly said you haven’t returned anyone’s calls.”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve had a lot of things on my mind besides returning phone calls.” His voice was cold, a tone I wasn’t used to from him, and I didn’t like it.
“They’re worried about you, Jesse.”
“Well, I don’t need anyone to worry about me, okay?” he said, standing up and walking out of the room as I stared at the empty doorway, tears forming in my eyes at his abrupt departure. I heard his heavy footsteps going down the stairs, but then they stopped suddenly and a moment later I heard the footsteps coming back up. He was in the doorway to my room again a second later, looking regretful. “I’m sorry,” he said, his shoulders hanging limply. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“It’s okay,” I said with a reassuring smile and I hoped he didn’t see the tears on the edge of my eyes. “Do you want me to call Holly and tell them not to come?” I asked nervously and he shook his head.
“No. I think it’ll actually be good to hang out.”
“I think so too,” I agreed and then I got up and followed Jesse downstairs.
When our friends got there a few hours later, it was strange. It was usually so easy for all of us to be together, but when they first arrived, it was anything but. I could tell none of them knew what to say or how to act. Brandon seemed especially uncomfortable, as was Jesse. They sat together on the couch, hardly saying anything as the rest of us tried to maintain some sort of meaningful conversation that avoided the topic of Jesse’s dad’s death without being too lighthearted. This proved to be most difficult for Mandy, who was known for being an airhead.
“So, what are you gonna do now, Jesse? I just can’t believe you have to deal with this. I mean you’re all alone and I just don’t see how you’re gonna do it,” Mandy finally said during a lull in the conversation as we ate our pizza and I cringed the moment she spoke.
“Seriously, Mandy?” Laura said, glaring at Mandy.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” Jesse spoke up. “It’s a fair question. And the truth is, I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do.”
Mandy’s mouth formed into a perfect O as she watched Jesse stand up and walk out onto the front porch. I immediately went after him, but not before I heard a sea of chastisement from our friends directed at Mandy. I knew she hadn’t meant to be cruel. She was just curious and concerned, but the whole point of them coming over was to provide a distraction and aside from a few hugs and “I’m sorrys” from everyone when they’d arrived, we hadn’t discussed Jesse’s dad at all…not until Mandy brought it up.
When I walked outside he was standing at the end of the porch teetering on the edge in more ways than one. His hand was holding onto the railing and his head was down. I knew he was trying to hide it, but I could hear the sniffles. He was crying. I walked up to him slowly, resting my hand on his back.
“I think I’m gonna head home,” he said quietly.
“No, Jesse. Please stay. I don’t want you to be alone tonight,” I pleaded and then he turned to me and I saw the pain in his eyes staring back at me.
“I am alone,” he said, turning away and walking briskly to his Wagoneer. A moment later, he was driving away and I could do nothing but cry as the trail of dust followed him.
****
My friends didn’t stay long after Jesse left and I could tell everyone was still annoyed at Mandy for upsetting Jesse. I tried to reassure her that it was okay, but I knew she felt horrible. When they left, it felt strange being there without Jesse. I explained to my mom what happened and again she told me he just needed his space. I was tired of hearing that from her. She may be right, but I couldn’t let him suffer alone. No one should be alone in a situation like the one he was going through.
I tried sleeping, but the house was too quiet. I looked at the clock and saw 12:43 a.m. glaring back at me in big red numbers. I hadn’t heard a word from Jesse and he’d ignored my calls and texts, but I had to know he was okay. I didn’t bother changing out of my pajamas: a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt. I just slipped on my flip flops and grabbed my keys, sneaking quietly down the stairs. I didn’t tell my mom I was leaving. She’d tell me I couldn’t go and that I had to let Jesse work through this the way he needed to. I didn’t want to hear it though and I carefully opened the front door, closing it quietly and tiptoeing to my Jetta. I made sure the headlights were off until I was away from the house and cruising down the highway.
The house was dark when I got to Jesse’s place. I turned the car off and walked up to the front door. I wasn’t surprised to find it unlocked. Rocky and Jasper started barking when I walked in, but they calmed down once they realized it was me. I scratched them each behind the ears and then turned on the kitchen light before making my way towards Jesse’s room. I peeked my head in, using the faint light from the kitchen to look in, but I was surprised to find his bed was empty. It looked as if it hadn’t even been slept in. A pit of worry began to creep into my gut and I went to Mr. Baylor’s room, wondering if perhaps he’d decided to sleep in there. But, when I looked in there, it was empty too. My heart started pounding from the nerves as I went to the living room, but he wasn’t there either.
I hurried back outside, followed by the dogs and looked around. It took me a second to realize what was missing and once I did, I had an idea about where he might be. The mule wasn’t parked in its usual spot and I thought back to what Jesse had told me once about the place he went to to get away and think.