Authors: Megan Nugen Isbell
“No, no, no, no, no, no,” he whispered over and over, his face buried in my neck as he held onto me as if he would never let go. I held him tightly, not knowing what I could do for him. My heart was breaking as Jesse fell apart. Jesse, the one I’d always looked to for strength, now clung to me and I didn’t know what I could do to help him as he continued mumbling a sea of no’s into my ear. He wadded a clump of my hair into his fist and he kept pulling it with each no as if he were trying to mask the anger. It hurt, but I didn’t dare tell him. He needed me at that moment and I would do whatever I could for him. “He can’t be gone. There’s a mistake. There’s gotta be a mistake.” I knew he wasn’t talking to me and I felt my eyes fill with tears as he tried rationalizing the situation. I blinked and the tears fell as I realized the impact this devastating news was going to have on Jesse. It’d only ever been his dad and him. He’d been abandoned by his mother. There had never been anyone else and now there was no one. I tried for a split second to put myself in his shoes, but I quickly banished the thought from my mind after it literally made my stomach turn. That reaction had only been from a thought. I still had a family who loved me and supported me. In the blink of an eye, Jesse didn’t anymore and I started crying harder as I tried to figure out how I was going to help him through this.
His sobs eventually calmed and were replaced with long, deep breaths and an occasional shudder as he tried to get himself together. When he finally pulled away from me, his face was a sloppy, wet mess. The whites of his eyes had been replaced with red and I was pretty sure mine had been too.
“What do I do, Riley?” His voice was low and lost.
He was looking to me for guidance and I paused not knowing what to say. He needed me to help him and I didn’t know how. I couldn’t let him know that though. I had to be strong, just as he’d always been strong for me. I knew we both needed help though. Jesse and I may be eighteen, but we didn’t feel much like adults at the moment.
“I’m calling my mom. She’ll know what to do,” I said softly as I held his hand to my lips, kissing each of his fingers.
Jesse didn’t protest. I knew he was looking for help just as much as I was.
“Wait here,” I said gently and then walked back into Jesse’s room. For a moment, my mind drifted back to the fun we were having in this room a half an hour before. We didn’t have a care in the world, but everything had changed when the doorbell rang and I was angry. I was pissed. Jesse didn’t deserve this. No one deserved this, but especially not someone like Jesse. The kindest, most loving person I’d ever met was having his life ripped out from under him and it wasn’t right.
I found my phone in my bag and with a shaking hand, I dialed my mom’s number. I tapped my foot impatiently and she finally picked up after the third ring.
“Mom,” I cried, cutting her hello off at the first syllable. “Jesse’s dad’s been in an accident. He’s dead.”
The line was so quiet, I was afraid she wasn’t even on the other end.
“Oh my gosh,” she finally whispered. “Where are you?”
“We’re at Jesse’s house. The police just came. What do we do?”
“Come home now. Bring Jesse.” Her voice was urgent, but in complete control, which was something I needed to hear because I felt absolutely no control over any aspect of what was happening.
I hung up the phone without even realizing I forgot to say goodbye and shoved it back into my bag. I went to his dresser and pulled out some clean clothes, stuffing them into his backpack, before going to the bathroom and getting his toothbrush. There was no way he was staying here alone tonight. I gathered our things and went back into the living room where he was still sitting. He was like a statue. He hadn’t moved since I left.
I knelt down in front of him, taking my hands in his and he finally looked up from the carpet. He wasn’t crying anymore, but his eyes were vacant.
“We’re going to my house,” was all I said to him and he didn’t fight me. Rocky and Jasper sat by the door looking confused and protective over Jesse. “Stay here for a sec,” I told him and he didn’t even attempt to move from where he stood. I went into the kitchen and filled the dogs’ dishes with food until it was heaping into a giant pile, then I refilled their water jug to make sure they’d at least be okay for a day or two. They had the doggy door, so they would be able to let themselves in and out. I didn’t want Jesse to have to worry about anything else.
When I walked back into the living room, Jesse was still in the same spot, but he was kneeling and hugging both of his dogs. It was as if the dogs knew Mr. Baylor wasn’t coming back. I felt terrible leaving them here alone.
“They can come too,” I said softly. I knew under the circumstances, my grandmother wouldn’t mind.
“No. They’ll be fine here. They wouldn’t want to leave,” he said quietly and then stood up, following me out the front door.
We drove in silence the entire way back to my house as I did my best to fight back the tears. My heart broke as Jesse stared out the window and I wanted to get us home as quickly as possible. When we pulled up onto the rocky driveway, I saw all the lights were on on the first floor, which was a rarity for nearly midnight. Inside, my mom was waiting. She was sitting on the couch, Jack beside her and my grandmother sitting in her recliner. I could tell my grandmother had been sleeping because she was still in her nightgown with curlers in her hair.
My mom stood up the moment we walked in and immediately came to Jesse, wrapping him in her arms. My mom loved Jesse, she always had. During the past six months though, she’d grown especially fond of him. She loved him for everything he’d done for me and for how happy he’d made me. Jesse loved her too, almost like the mother he never had. I watched as my mother held him and even though he towered over her, he seemed so small in her arms. She whispered something in his ear and then led him into the kitchen. I wanted to follow them, but something told me to stay back, like he needed my mom at that moment and not me. I stared into the kitchen for a second and I could see Jesse sitting at the counter, his back towards me while my mom sat beside him. A felt a twinge of jealously that my mom was with him and I was not. I tried to shake it off though and turned my attention back to Jack and my grandma in the living room.
Jack stood up and led me to a spot next to him on the couch. I was still getting to know him, but he seemed to really care about my mom and I was glad he was here.
“I hope you don’t mind that your mother called me, Riley,” he began.
“No, not at all,” I said softly.
“I have a friend who works at Wesley and I called him to check on things with Jesse’s uncle.”
“How is Glenn?” I asked anxiously. “The police told us he was fine, but didn’t say much else.”
“He’s got a broken arm and some ribs, but he’ll be alright.”
“Do you know what happened?”
“No, I don’t, but we can head up to Wichita so Jesse can see his uncle.” I just nodded and then looked at my grandmother. She stared back with worried eyes. She eased herself out of the recliner and sat down on the couch next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and I leaned into her as tears fell down my cheeks.
“How is Jesse?” she asked softly as she turned to me and dabbed at the tears with a tissue.
“I don’t know, Grandma,” I said honestly because that was the truth. I had no clue how Jesse was.
As if on cue, my mother reentered the room and came over to where I sat.
“I spoke with Jesse and he wants to wait till morning to head up to Wichita. He just wants to go to bed right now.”
“We can’t wait till the morning,” I protested. “He needs to go see Glenn right now.”
“This is not your call to make, Riley.” My mother’s voice was quiet and I could see she was gesturing towards the kitchen with her eyes, basically telling me to be quiet. “This is up to Jesse and this is what he wants.”
I knew she was right. I didn’t know what Jesse was feeling right now. I needed to let go and follow his lead, even if I didn’t understand his logic.
“What’s he doing now?” I asked quietly.
“He’s upstairs getting ready for bed,” my mom answered and I immediately got up to go to him.
I saw the light was on in the bathroom and the door was open a crack. I walked slowly, not sure what I would say to him when I saw him again. Carefully looking through the crack, my heart ached at what I saw in the reflection. Jesse’s hands were resting on the sink and his head was down. All I could see was the top of his dark hair in the mirror, but it was what I heard that broke my heart the most. Small whimpers escaped into the air and I could see his back muscles convulsing with each sob. I knew he was trying to hold it in, but I didn’t want him to hold it in. That’s what I was here for.
I tried erasing the image I’d just seen of Jesse, so weak and sad, from my mind.
I need to be strong for him
, I kept telling myself. It was proving harder than I expected though, when he’d always been the strong one.
I lifted my arm nervously and knocked lightly on the bathroom door with the knuckle of my pointer finger. The door moved a little and I saw Jesse’s posture straighten and he quickly wiped his face with the hand towel next to the sink.
“Come in,” he said, his voice low and dry.
I pushed the door open the rest of the way and walked over to him cautiously. Taking his hand, I brought it to my lips, kissing the back of it tenderly.
“Can I get you anything?” I asked. I’d thought about asking him how he was doing, but I realized it was a stupid question.
He just shook his head and then I saw his lower lip begin to tremble. He swallowed hard, but then he shook his head and he tried breathing in deeply to calm himself. Instead, a large hiccup escaped and he lost it. He started sobbing and he grabbed me, pulling me to him. He was shaking as he held me and I all I could do was hold him back and let him cry. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. I loved him and he was hurting.
“What am I gonna do without him, Riley? What the hell am I gonna do?” I could barely make out the words through the tears, but he sounded desperate and lost and he was looking to me for answers.
“You’ll be okay,” I whispered softly into his ear. I didn’t say
it
will be okay, because that would be a lie. It wouldn’t be okay. His dad was dead and it wasn’t okay, but I knew someday he would be okay because he was the strongest person I knew. He’d find a way to be okay because that’s what Jesse did.
“No, he’s gone. He’s all I have,” he continued to cry.
“You have me, Jesse. I’m here,” I reassured him.
“Don’t ever leave me, Riley.” He pulled me to him closer and held me so tightly I could barely breathe, but I didn’t care. He could take whatever he needed from me as long as it took away even an ounce of his pain.
“Never,” I promised and then he was quiet. He still held me, but his sobs began to lessen and soon he was breathing low and deep until it eventually evened out. I could tell he was physically exhausted after the release of emotion and when he pulled back, his face was red and chapped where the tears had stuck to his face. His gray eyes looked back to me, so scared and unsure, and then he turned away from me, twisted on the faucet and splashed his face with water. After drying it with the hand towel, he turned to me again.
“I’m sorry for losing it like that,” he said quietly and I took his hands, forcing him to look me in the eyes again.
“Don’t you ever apologize for that. I love you, Jesse. That’s why I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here. You got that?”
I saw a slight smile spread across his lips for a moment before it disappeared. He just nodded and hugged me again. I led him into the guest room and opened up the bag I’d packed, handing him the pair of sweats I’d brought.
“You should probably try and get some rest,” I said softly and he nodded. “We’ll head to Wichita in the morning. Jack said your uncle is going to be okay. We’ll go up and see him and then we’ll come back and start taking care of things here…” I continued, realizing I was tackling too many things at once. Jesse set the sweatpants on the bed and then sat on the edge of the mattress, his elbows resting on his knees as he buried his hands in his hair. His eyes were shut tightly and I heard the whimpers come again. They were gentle this time, but thickly laced with despair. I was quickly at his side, rubbing his back and trying to calm him. I pulled him into my arms so we were lying on the bed, my head resting on the pillows and his head resting on my chest as his arms held tightly around my waist as he soaked my blouse with his tears again.
“Stay with me, Riley, please. I don’t wanna be alone.” His words were muffled by the fabric, but I could hear the fear in his voice.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, Jesse. Always.” And with those words, I felt his body that had been so tense before, relax. His breathing slowed until it was long and even and I knew he was asleep. I watched him as he slept and I’d never seen him so vulnerable. He looked scared and sad and I would’ve given anything to take the pain away from him because I hurt more than I ever thought possible watching him hurt.
My mom appeared in the doorway a while later and she just watched us for a moment before coming in. I knew under normal circumstances, she would be having none of this and we would never have even tried it. But these weren’t normal circumstances. Jesse’s father was gone and the only family member of any significance was lying in a hospital bed. He had no one else aside from me and he needed me.
“He wouldn’t let go of me, Mom,” I whispered softly, careful not to wake him.
“It’s okay, Ry,” she said quietly and then walked over to the closet, opening it carefully and taking out a quilt.
She sat down on the mattress and gently removed Jesse’s Converse and then my sandals. She stood up and covered us with the blanket and then bent down and kissed the top of my head. She looked down at Jesse and I saw her eyes had tears in them. She patted his cheek softly and his eyes fluttered for a moment, but he didn’t wake up.