Authors: Megan Nugen Isbell
I went back inside, quickly grabbing a flashlight from the utility closet and then I started jogging down the trail Jesse and I had driven down in the mule more times than I could count. Rocky and Jasper trotted beside me and I figured it couldn’t be more than a half a mile from the house. If I jogged, it wouldn’t take me that long. Still, that didn’t stop me from being completely creeped out from being out there all alone with no guarantee that Jesse would even be at the end. The dogs made me a feel a little better, but I was still anxious.
A while later, I’d slowed to a walk. The flip flops were making the jog difficult. The flashlight shone in front of me, lighting up the path and then I spotted it: the hunting platform Jesse and his dad had built. When he first took me out to it, he’d told me it was where he went when he wanted to get away. I knew he wanted nothing more than to escape right now.
I paused for a moment, staring up at it. It was where he’d first opened up to me about his life, the place I’d first acknowledged my feelings for Jesse, the place we’d first kissed. I took a deep breath, hoping he would be there.
I approached quietly. The dogs sat down by the ladder while I tucked the flashlight under my arm and began climbing carefully, thinking back to the first time I’d climbed it, completely terrified that it’d collapse. Jesse had been there to support me though just as I was going to be there for him whether he wanted me to or not.
When I got to the top, I breathed a sigh of relief. There was a sleeping bag on the top of the platform and I could see Jesse’s crumpled form on top of it. He was on his side with his back to me and I climbed onto the lean-to carefully. He didn’t move and I was surprised he hadn’t heard me. As I got closer, I saw the unmistakable white wires of earphones cascading down his neck to where he was holding his iPod. The iPod was on, but he was asleep. I laid down on the sleeping bag, spooning myself against him. He was so warm and when I slipped my arms around his waist, he jumped, pulling the earphones out and quickly turning around, the shock evident in his eyes when he saw me.
“Riley!” he exclaimed breathlessly. “What are you doing here?”
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said, reaching up and stroking his cheek. “I couldn’t sleep. I had to make sure you were okay.”
“How’d you find me out here?” he whispered.
“It was the only logical place to look when I couldn’t find you in the house.”
“You walked all the way out here?” he asked and his brow creased in concern and I nodded. “Are you crazy? You shouldn’t be out here alone at night.”
“And neither should you,” I said softly as I leaned in, brushing my lips against his. “I know you said you wanted to be alone, but…”
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, cutting me off and he smiled at me as he kissed me again. “So glad you’re here,” he said between kisses and the nerves that had been consuming me started to calm.
He rolled onto his back, and I rested my head on his chest, both of us staring up into the clear night sky. I swear you could see every star in the solar system.
“I didn’t want to be in the house without him yet,” Jesse began and I was glad he was talking to me. “It was weird when I got home. I expected him to be there. I expected to smell his cigars. I expected the TV to be on too loud. I expected something, but there was nothing. My dad’s really gone, Riley. He’s not coming back. I know he wasn’t the best dad, but he did the best he could for me. He was always there. My mom never wanted me, but I always had my dad, and now they’re both gone. I’ve got no one to tell me what to do, no one to help me. Dammit,” he rambled, his voice urgent. “I just graduated high school. I’m 18 years old and I’m on my own. I’m scared, Riley. Scared as hell.”
“I know you’re scared, but please, Jesse, please don’t push me away. We’ll get through this…together.” I sat up and smiled down at him, brushing the hair from his forehead.
“I don’t mean to push you away. I may not be showing it, but you’re the only thing getting me through this. When I feel like I’ve got nothing now, I see your smile and the way your nose crinkles when you laugh,” he said sweetly, his finger reaching up and touching the tip of my nose. “And I see your brown eyes and I feel your arms around me and I know I don’t have anything, I have you and I’m so grateful for that.”
I felt a tear streak down my cheek and he brushed it away.
“I love you,” I said to him and he smiled again, pulling me down until I was nestled on his chest again. I held onto him and he held onto me. A train whistle blew in the distance and I nuzzled in closer to him until he fell asleep. I stared up at the sky and tears fell silently down my cheeks. I felt like I was losing him, even though I was wrapped in his arms.
I don’t know how long it took me to fall asleep, but we woke up when the sun began peeking over the horizon. Jesse drove me back to the house in the mule and after we said goodbye, I drove home, making it back to the safety of my bedroom before my mom could become the wiser.
Chapter Twelve
When Saturday came, I was surprised at how well Jesse held up. After our talk that night on the hunting platform, he’d seemed more himself, although still quieter than usual. He’d continued staying at his house at night, although he promised me he wasn’t sleeping outside anymore.
The funeral was small, but nice. The flowers Jill and Matt had prepared were beautiful and some of Mr. Baylor’s friends told of good memories with Jesse’s dad. Jesse, however, didn’t speak and neither did his uncle. I watched Glenn subtly and I could tell it was not easy for him to be there. I guessed he was suffering from some sort of survivor’s guilt and I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, knowing he’d survived while his brother had not.
I was at Jesse’s side the whole time and I couldn’t help but take notice of how handsome he looked. I rarely saw Jesse in anything besides jeans and a t-shirt, but he chose to wear the same suit he had to Homecoming and he looked so mature.
There wasn’t a grave side service, but Jesse wanted to be there when they laid his father to rest and I was honored when he asked me to join him. It was just him and me at the grave and he was quiet. He just stood there, staring down at the casket as he held my hand. We were there for a while and then Jesse placed his hand on the casket and whispered, “I love you, Dad,” before we returned to the car and drove back to his house.
We were surprised to see cars out front when we got there. When we walked inside, our friends were there and Jesse seemed to grab my hand tighter when he saw them.
“I hope you don’t mind that we’re here,” Holly began. “A bunch of people wanted to make you food so you wouldn’t have to worry about that. We just stocked your fridge and freezer and you should be set for a while.”
“Thanks. That was nice of you guys,” Jesse said softly and he went over and looked inside the fridge before turning to look at us. “You weren’t kidding. I won’t have to worry about eating till next month.” He closed the door and sat at the table. I remained standing, leaning against the counter as I watched him. He seemed tense, but then he smiled at our friends.
“Thank you for doing this,” he said and I felt my eyes grow warm as I watched him in our circle of friends. They loved him as much as I did and I was grateful that even though he’d pushed them away the last time we were together, they hadn’t given up on him.
“I’m sorry about what I said the other night,” Mandy said and she looked over to Jesse with apologetic eyes. “I always seem to say the wrong things and I hurt people when I swear that’s not my intention. I just love you, Jesse and I’m worried about you.” I heard Mandy’s voice crack and Jesse glanced over to her before he stood up and went to her spot on the table. He took her hand and pulled her up, wrapping his arms around her. She started crying and he held her. He was the one whose life had been turned upside down and yet here he stood, being strong for Mandy because that’s what he did. Then I noticed his shoulders moving up and down. He was crying too, something he hadn’t done all day. I walked over and put my arms around them both, followed by Holly, then Laura and finally Brandon. We stayed huddled in our group and I knew Jesse could feel the love emanating from all of us.
When we finally disbanded, it was as if something had changed. He looked around at all of us and for the first time, he appeared to realize he wasn’t alone. He had us and I was hopeful that even though it would be a long road, he would be okay. Life would be different, but it would be alright and we’d be there for him.
We spent the rest of the night eating from the feast in the fridge and playing pool and listening to music too loud in the backroom of the giant shed in Jesse’s yard, the way we used to. Jesse and Brandon even busted out the four-wheelers and we sped around the property as if we didn’t have a care in the world. For those few hours, Jesse let go and I hung back, watching him smile and laugh, something that had been missing since his dad passed away. There was nothing more beautiful to me than his smile and I was hopeful it would stick around, even though so much had changed.
When our friends finally left, I stayed. We went back to the house and it seemed so quiet after all the noise from earlier. After cleaning up the kitchen, we sprawled out together on the couch, Rocky and Jasper snoring loudly on the floor.
“I had fun tonight,” he began as we lay together.
“Me too. I’m glad they came over.”
“I was such a jerk to them last time, I’m surprised they did.”
“Your behavior was understandable. No one holds it against you.”
I wondered what he was thinking about as he began to stroke my hair with his fingers.
“I guess it’s back to real life now,” he said softly. “Now that the funeral’s over, I’ve gotta get back to work.”
“You should take more time if you need it,” I encouraged and I felt his fingers stop tickling my hair momentarily before starting up again.
“I can’t. I’ve got to make money now to buy groceries, pay the utilities, ya know, the stuff my dad always took care of.”
I swallowed hard, realizing how insensitive my comment had been. It still didn’t register with me that Jesse had to grow up instantly now. He was legally an adult and no one was going to help him except himself.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You don’t need to tip toe around me, Riley. I’m aware of my situation. I’ve met real life face to face and it’s a bitch.”
“If anyone can handle it though, it’s you.”
I kissed him and he began kissing me back and soon our minds were only focused on each other, not the fact that Jesse’s father was gone or the fact that Jesse had to find a way to make it without him. All that mattered was that we were here together and all I could think about was how much I loved this boy in my arms. He had saved me once and it was my turn to return the favor.
Chapter Thirteen
It had been nearly a week since Mr. Baylor’s funeral. Jesse had gone back to work, but deep down, I didn’t know how he was doing. Sometimes he seemed okay and other times, he didn’t. I knew that wasn’t unusual. I couldn’t expect to blink and have the old Jesse back. I doubted I’d ever have the old Jesse back. Until some more time passed and he figured out this new life of his, I knew I had to adjust to the new Jesse and remember what he was going through and no matter what, he loved me and I loved him.
I’d gone back to work too on the Monday following the funeral, but Matt hadn’t been at the shop all week. Jill told me he’d had to make an unexpected trip to Oklahoma to help his brother move and I found myself anxious to have him back at the store. Jill was nice to work with, but we didn’t have much to talk about since she was more than twice my age and the silence got awkward at times. Matt was easy to talk to and we seemed to like a lot of the same things, which made conversation almost effortless. Ever since he’d told me the story of the struggle with his girlfriend, it was like we shared this connection and he seemed to get me.
I was glad to see him when he walked through the door on Friday morning as I was arranging a birthday bouquet. He smiled when he saw me, looking relaxed in a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a navy blue t-shirt, his hair tucked underneath a faded St. Louis Cardinals ball cap.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I said as he passed me to check the computer.
“You missed me?” he said with a smug grin.
“No,” I said quickly, my cheeks turning red, hoping I hadn’t given him the wrong idea. “Well, yeah…maybe a little. It’s hard to keep up the conversation with just your mom,” I whispered once Jill had stepped into the bathroom and Matt laughed quietly.
“Well, I’m glad to be back.” He took his hat off, resting it on the counter as he ran a hand through his wavy hair.
“How was your trip to Oklahoma?”
“Eh,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
“You don’t wanna talk about it?”
“There’s not much to talk about actually. Just my brother being my brother.”
“What’s that mean?” I inquired and then he mouthed, “Later”, when he heard the bathroom door open and Jill walked out. He obviously didn’t want to talk about it in front of his mom and I nodded my understanding.
The morning went by uneventfully. Matt left shortly after arriving to make some deliveries. I was actually jealous he got to go and I had to stay back. Deliveries were the best part of the job. You got to drive around listening to music and then make someone’s day by showing up at their house with flowers. The feeling couldn’t be beat and I needed all the good feelings I could find in my life at this point.
I straightened up the shop, took a few orders and waited for lunch time to come. Matt got back around noon and he must’ve heard my stomach growl because he looked over at with me a grin.
“That was subtle,” he laughed. “I guess somebody’s hungry.”
“Yeah, just a little.”
“You wanna grab something to eat at A&W? My treat,” he offered and I thought to the sack lunch I’d brought with me. A greasy burger and root beer sounded a whole lot better than the ham sandwich and yogurt I’d brought.