Fault Line (9 page)

14

When my three-day suspension was over, I returned to school early to swim. Nothing seemed to work right in the water. My times were slow, I felt like I was pulling my arms through sludge. Coach read me the riot act about losing those days of practice, and then told me I had better keep myself clean if I wanted to get the scholarship at Iowa. I took a quick shower and went to find Ani before homeroom. Halfway down the hall, I saw her in front of her locker, scrubbing the outside of the door. I took a few steps toward her but felt an arm tug me into the alcove by the water fountain.

“Leave her be,” Kate whispered.

I glanced at Ani, then back to Kate. “What’s she doing?”

“Scrubbing her locker. Someone wrote ‘FIRECROTCH’ on it in permanent ink. She doesn’t want you to see,” Kate answered in a low voice.

“Why the hell not?”

“She’s worried you’ll freak out again.”

I swallowed the guilt gnawing at me and rolled my shoulders. “I’ll be fine. I won’t freak out.”

“She asked me to make sure you didn’t see her. This is humiliating enough for her as is.”

I peeked my head out of the alcove and watched Ani brush away angry tears. I felt like I was being gutted. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and let her take care of this on her own.”

“Yes,” Kate said. “Come find her later. Don’t make this any harder on her.”

“That’s totally ridiculous.”

Kate pointed down the hall in the other direction and shooed me away. I took a step toward Ani. It was a compulsion. I could
not
let her deal with this on her own.

“Use some common sense. She doesn’t want you to see this. You’ll only make it worse,” she hissed at me, and gave me the stink eye.

“Ridiculous,” I mumbled again, and watched Ani brush away more tears. I stared at Kate, drew in a big breath, and stalked off in the opposite direction. What the hell kind of boyfriend could I be if Ani wouldn’t let me help her?

After second period, I searched her out. She looked like shit, like she hadn’t been sleeping and hadn’t brushed her hair for the entire time I was gone. Her eyes were still red from crying earlier. She barely nodded at me when she saw me standing at her locker. The writing hadn’t come off but had been blacked out with marker. I pretended not to notice it.

“Hey, how come you didn’t call me back?” I asked as soon as she got close enough to hear me.

She shrugged and started to spin the combination on her locker.

“Well, are you okay?”

She looked up at me and raised her eyebrows.

“You know what I mean. Did anyone else give you a hard time?” People stared at us as they passed in the hallway. I wanted to lash out at all of them. Scream at their stupidity, their horrible backstabbing judgment. The blacked-out word made me feel like they were just as bad as the fucker who’d raped her in the first place.

Would Ani even mention it? At the very least, I could ask a janitor to paint over it. Then she wouldn’t know I was involved. But Christ, why couldn’t I be involved?

“Why do you care?” she said, finally breaking her silence. “Are you looking for more drama? To add more fuel to the rumors about me?”

“I was trying to defend you—” I started to explain.

“Don’t bother,” she interrupted.

I watched two guys pass and check out Ani from behind. My fists tightened but I didn’t move. I took a deep breath and exhaled through my mouth. At this rate, I wasn’t going to make it through the week without another fight.

“Did you look through that stuff Beth gave you?” I asked, trying to release the tightness in my shoulders.

I’d started reading stuff on the Internet about rape victims during my suspension. It had gotten to be too much after a while, but I’d read enough to know that Ani needed to talk to someone.

“The drug screen was negative,” she said, and shoved a book into her backpack. “No date rape drugs. Just me table dancing and announcing my sluttyness to the room.”

“A negative screen doesn’t mean anything.”

Tears coated the tip of her eyelashes, and she pressed her palms into her eyes. “Still a negative screen, though.”

I nodded, trying not to show any emotion. A positive drug screen would have made everything so much easier. And it would have squelched the doubt that had been sitting in my gut since Kate first told me what had happened. But Beth had said date rape drugs disappeared from the body fairly quickly, so negative drug screens were common. It sucked not knowing for sure, but I held on to what Beth said and tried to push past the uncertainty in my mind.

“Do you need me to carry that?” I asked, pointing to her backpack.

“I’m not an invalid,” she snapped. Then her eyes softened. “Sorry. I don’t mean to yell at you. None of this is your fault.”

I didn’t say anything but turned to walk her to her next class. It
was
my fault. We both knew it. Nothing would have happened if I’d been at that party. A part of me wished she’d say it out loud. I deserved her venom. I’d left her to be raped, and even if she refused to blame me, her silence condemned me.

•••

Kevin called out to me outside of fourth-period gym class. He approached slowly. He’d been trying to get a hold of me for a few days, but I’d avoided him. His face was full of pity when he reached me. I flinched. Was this how everyone was going to be with me now?

“What do you want?” I asked when he stood in front of me with his hands pressed together.

“I heard what happened.”

“Did you hear from Kate or one of the assholes who’re saying she fucked a lighter?”

He looked down. “Them first, but then I asked Kate what really happened because I didn’t believe it.”

“Everyone still talking about it?”

He shrugged. “I guess. It’ll blow over eventually.”

I clenched my jaw. Yeah, it’d blow over with them, but what about Ani? Was she going to be left an angry shell of a girl?

“What did she tell her mom?” Kevin asked. He slid his foot halfway out of his untied shoe and shoved it back in.

“Nothing. She doesn’t want to say anything.”

“You don’t think she’ll find out? Won’t she get hospital bills or whatever?” Kevin looked at me in surprise. I understood, I couldn’t believe Ani would keep Gayle from all of it either, but she’d been determined not to tell her. I hoped it wouldn’t last. Ani needed help.

“No hospital bills. This rape counselor said the state covers hospital costs for rape victims. It’s some sort of law. Plus, it was county, so you know . . . and I guess Ani’s old enough not to have needed a parent in the hospital with her. Even when they did the procedure.” It sounded cold and medical and nothing like what’d really happened, but I didn’t know how else to talk about it.

“That’s messed up,” Kevin said. “She should tell her mom.”

I nodded. “What’s everyone around here saying? Is it just the lighter thing?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I heard some other seniors say she stood on a table and announced to the party she was going to hook up with a bunch of guys, but then someone else said that was a lie. No one seems to have seen anything else. I don’t think anyone from school was in the room when it happened or whatever.”

In the room where she’d maybe gotten off with a lighter. In the room where she’d probably passed out and some prick decided he should have sex with her and leave a present inside her.

I pressed my eyes shut so tight splotches of light colored my vision when I finally opened them.

“Okay. Thanks for telling me, I guess. Do you think you could find out who was there? Not in the room, but at the party.” I needed to let it go, but I couldn’t. Someone had to have seen something more. Someone had to have been there for some of it.

“Yeah, I’ll ask around.”

“Thanks, man.” I held out my hand and he bumped it.

“No problem. I’m sorry, Beez. This whole thing sucks.”

It did suck. It more than sucked. It attacked me from the inside like a parasite. Every person I passed in the hall became someone who maybe knew something. Every time someone said, “What’s up?” I searched their faces for a deeper meaning. I was becoming a lunatic.

•••

I found Ani at lunchtime, sitting with Kate. The cafeteria was packed because it’d gotten too cold to sit outside. Tables full, bodies pressed together, loud voices and crappy melted-cheese smell wafted over everything. The usual swarm of normalcy. And somehow it all felt wrong. Out of sync and plastic.

“How’s it going?” I asked, sliding onto the bench next to Ani. She stiffened and moved slightly away.

“Fine,” she answered, staring at her untouched food.

“Classes okay?” I looked at Kate, who shook her head slightly.

Ani shrugged and rolled her sandwich bread into half a dozen little balls. My gaze landed on her neck.

“How come you don’t wear your necklaces anymore?”

Her hand moved to her throat. “Turns out it was all bullshit. The stuff about us being connected. We’re not. We’re all on our own.”

On our own
. Of course she’d think that. I hadn’t given her a reason to believe otherwise. Neither had Kate, honestly.

I put my hand on her knee and nudged her gently. “Things will get better.”

She slid her knee from underneath my hand. I ignored her frostiness and moved an inch closer to her. She leaned farther away. It was like approaching a skittish dog. I released a breath and turned back to my lunch.

She lined up her chips and rolled the sandwich balls over them. Then she wadded everything together and tossed it in the trash. Every movement seemed so deliberate. Like she was somehow reminding her body how to do normal things. She stood to leave. I didn’t know if I should follow, but she turned back to me suddenly.

“Are you coming?”

I took one large bite from my sandwich, tossed the rest, and followed Ani out of the cafeteria. Kevin caught my eye as I was leaving. He pointed to Ani in question. I shook my head and moved closer behind her, pretending that hundreds of eyes weren’t watching us as we walked out.

She guided me to the slatted benches in the front entrance hallway. She pulled me down next to her and took one of my hands between both of hers.

“Don’t say anything, okay?”

I nodded and she squeezed my hand tighter.

“I just want to sit with you for a while without having to say anything.”

I shifted closer to her so that our hips were touching, and this time, she didn’t draw away. Silence. Comfortable silence. Like how we were. A long breath of relief escaped my lungs.

Then the bell rang.

“Beez,” a voice yelled from down the hall. A sea of faces poured out of the cafeteria. “You better wear a condom. You don’t know what kind of diseases your little cum Dumpster is carrying around.”

Ani gasped, dropped my hand, and stood up. Her body shook. I thought she might tear down the hall and beat the shit out of someone, but instead she crumpled onto the bench.

I didn’t know whether to go after the douche bag who’d torn apart the first moment of peace we’d had in days or to hold Ani so tight she’d forget what he said. In the end, she made the decision for me. She crept into my lap like a little girl and wrapped her fingers into my shirt, unwilling to let go.

I drove her home and she kissed me goodbye, but it was a weird kiss, sort of desperate and empty at the same time. She didn’t ask me to come in, but I thought maybe it was because we were both grounded and I needed to get back for swim practice. I hoped she wasn’t worried about me saying anything to her mom. Ani had asked me not to say anything to anyone, and I was going to keep my promise to her even if I wasn’t sure it was the best choice. It was the only thing I could do.

15

Our life became a routine. I followed Ani from class to class, shielding her from the whispers and stares. At lunch she played with her food and then left before the period was over. I drove her home after school and raced back to get to practice on time.

“Your times are down, Baptiste,” Coach said to me one day after practice.

“I know.” I looked past him at the championship banners on the wall. Giant blue-and-gold triangles announcing every year we’d won state. The felt numbers of the past three years taunted me. But it was better than the disappointment on Coach’s face.

“You’re not in the pool enough,” he said.

“There’s a lot going on right now.” I finally met his eyes. They were filled with concern. I grabbed the back of my neck and squeezed the tight muscles. Muscles that never relaxed anymore, even when I was swimming.

“ ‘A lot going on’ is not a good excuse. Your swimming needs to come first if you want that scholarship.” His face was still red from screaming at us for ninety minutes, but his voice was low and understanding. “This isn’t club anymore. We’re in the real season, and every minute in the pool counts.”

“I know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” My voice sounded raw. Brittle from all the energy it required to make it through every day with Ani.

“Fine. But it’s an open offer. I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

I walked toward the showers and turned one on so hot I had difficulty breathing. My skin burned but I stayed beneath it for as long as I could, pushing everything from my mind but the physical sensation of scalding heat.

•••

“I was thinking you should practice stick shift again,” I said to Ani as I walked her to math class the next day.

I’d been steering her toward alternate routes, back stairways and low-traffic hallways, to avoid as many people as possible on the way to class. Ani made me cut it out after I’d gotten three tardy slips, so now we were in the middle of a busy corridor.

“We’re still grounded,” Ani answered. Her shoulders were scrunched up and I wanted to touch them to make her relax, but I wasn’t sure how she’d take it.

“I know. But after. I thought it’d be good for you to try again so we could be ready for the summer road trip.”

Ani stopped and stared at me. No bubbly excitement about camping. No talk of the
Christmas Story
house. No promises of all the places we’d explore together. Just skepticism and distrust. She was going to call the whole thing off. Crap. The rape was going to ruin this, too.

Before she could say anything, I held my hand up. “It’s too soon to talk about,” I said. “I get it. But I’m not letting go of the chance that we might go still. A lot can happen between now and then.” I hated the pleading in my voice. But I hated the idea that she was going to throw away all our plans, too. Like she refused to believe things would get better.

“Look out! Ani’s coming! Fire in the hole! Take cover! Fire in the hole!” The voice came from the end of the hall. I whipped around to see who had shouted it, but my eyes couldn’t zero in on anything other than the mass of people laughing around us.

I took a step, but then heard the slamming of books on the floor beside me. Ani had dropped her things and stood with her arms out. The venom in her eyes made me flinch.

“Fuck off!” she screamed. Her body swiveled to all the people around us. “Fuck off, all of you. I fucking hate every single one of you assholes.”

I put my hand on her arm and she snatched it back. The entire hallway was silent for ten seconds before someone started whispering. Then louder talking. Then movement all around us. No one said anything to her or me. No one gave a shit.

Ani grabbed her books from the floor and sank down next to a glass case full of trophies. I moved next to her and tried to take her hand, but she pulled away again. She started dragging her fingernails down her wrists, leaving angry red scratches.

I pulled her hands away and refused to let go. She fisted them and struggled against me, but I wouldn’t release her.

“Calm down.”

“No. Fucking let me go, Ben. Now.”

“No. Calm down. Take a deep breath.”

She relaxed her hands and I loosened my grip, only to have her snatch them away and punch me on my chest. It didn’t hurt. She punched me over and over until she fell into a heap in my lap. She started to sob and it took everything in me to hold back my own tears. People walked around us, staring, stepping over us, talking as if we couldn’t hear them. Finally Ani pulled away and looked at her wrists.

“I’m so angry. I’ve never felt so angry before. Like I could hurt someone. Like it would feel so much better to pour everything inside of me out onto someone else. That’s why you went after that guy, isn’t it?”

I nodded and traced the red scratches along her forearms. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself, baby.”

Her fingers followed mine, trying to cover up the redness.

“Did you hear me, Ani? I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I can’t worry about that, too.”

She slid her hand over my stubbly head. “I heard you. I won’t hurt myself.”

I hugged her and was relieved when she hugged me back, even if I could still feel all the knots in her shoulders.

•••

It took about two more weeks for the whispering to die down. Ani and I were both still grounded, but things at school seemed to get a little less intense. Kevin found out a few names of guys who’d been at the party, but they couldn’t really tell me anything. They’d seen Ani there. They’d heard her say she was going to hook up with the guys. They’d seen her dance on the kitchen table. They thought she was drunk and ignored her. They didn’t know who she disappeared with or what happened to her. They looked at me with sympathy and I nearly beat the crap out of all of them.

“So I guess I fucked four guys at that party,” Ani said one day at lunch while peeling the cheese off her sandwich.

I coughed on the lump of food in my mouth. “What? How do you know?”

“This girl in my gym class told me. She has a cousin who goes to Morton. The guys I hooked up with must go there. She said that all of Morton is talking about the train ride. They’re calling me the Manhole.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and dug my nails into my palms. Why wasn’t this going away?

“I guess it’s better than Firecrotch,” she continued without any expression on her face.

I met Kate’s eyes across the table and we both cringed. Kate raised her eyebrows. So this was on me to fix. I took Ani’s hand. She didn’t seem to notice. I squeezed but she didn’t even turn toward me. She just stared at her uneaten lunch.

“What girl told you this?”

Ani shrugged and didn’t say anything.

“She could’ve been making it up. No one seems to really know anything about what happened,” I said.

“Yeah, she could’ve been. But probably not. I mean, why would she? It sounds about right.”

My stomach knotted and I took several deep breaths. Kate signaled me again with a tilt of her head.

“Ani,” I said in a low voice, and swiveled her around so she faced me, “you didn’t fuck four guys;
they
raped
you
. You’ve got to stop making this out like it’s your fault.”

She laughed once and it nearly broke me. “Whose fault is it, Beez? Those guys? Why would it be their fault? They were just acting on my suggestion. I told everyone I was going to get with them, and apparently, I did. I’m surprised it was only four. Kind of a short train ride, all things considered.”

Her words punctured through me and I almost got up to leave. How much more was I going to have to stomach? Four guys fucked
my
girlfriend. I almost envied Ani her ability to shut down all her emotions. Mine were clawing at me from the inside and tearing me apart.

“Of course it’s their fault. They raped you. Don’t you get it? I don’t give a shit what you said at that party. You were either drunk or on some sort of roofie high and only a complete scumbag would ever screw around with you in that state.”

Her eyes remained empty. Nothing I said was getting through to her. I gripped her shoulder too hard, wanting to shake some sense into her.

Kate finally said, “Ani, it’s still considered rape if you weren’t fully conscious. You didn’t really make those decisions. You have to be sober to consent. Beth said that in the ER. Ben’s right. This wasn’t your fault.”

A flash of pain crossed Ani’s face and tears lined the edges of her eyelashes. Her chin trembled and I closed my eyes to it. I was wrong. Watching her fall apart was even worse than watching the emptiness. She probably needed to do it, but I didn’t think I was ready for it. Not in the cafeteria. Not in front of all the assholes who’d been talking about her for the past few weeks.

She pulled her hand from mine and patted me. Moved her hand over my bald head like she’d done so many times before. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m lucky I don’t remember anything. It’s easier that way.”

Ani was trying to reassure me. I felt like an asshole. She wanted to make things better for
me
. This was exactly why she didn’t want to tell her mom. I was completely worthless to her. I stood up from the table, kissed her on the cheek, and walked outside without another word.