Fault Line (11 page)

I wolfed down the pizza and went to my room. Ani’s painting hung slightly tilted on the wall, a reminder and accusation all at once. Ani never painted anymore. She hadn’t stayed after in the school art room since the party. I wanted to ask her about it, but I was afraid to. Afraid of her answer. Afraid that I’d have to add yet another thing to the list of what the rape had taken from her.

I called her, but she didn’t pick up. The minute her voice mail beeped, I babbled into the phone, “That was nice today. Maybe. Was it? Was it okay? I love you. I’m sorry. I hope it was okay. I hope you’re okay. It was nice. I hope things are better now. I love you. Fuck. Sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

17

Ani came to school the next day without the big sweatshirt on. I almost whooped like an asshole when I saw her in a white short-sleeved T-shirt and jeans. She marched up to me and gave me a full-on kiss. Full-on. Nice.

“Whoa,” I said with a dopey grin. “What was that for?”

She smiled and slid herself underneath my arm. “No reason. Just thanking you, I guess. I got your message. It’s okay. It’s good.”

I pulled back and looked at her. She was sort of buzzing, like she’d had too many cups of coffee or hadn’t slept. Her eyes darted past me to the end of the hall, where a bunch of guys were gathered watching us.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Her hand grazed the back of my head and she tugged on my ear.

“That tickles.” My shoulders lifted and I batted her hand away from my ear.

“Sorry. I’ve missed touching your sexy baldness.”

I smiled. My Ani had been returned to me. Thank Christ for that. If I wasn’t worried she’d get the wrong message, I might have dropped to my knees and said a prayer of gratitude.

Her eyes shifted back to the guys and I followed the movement.

“Do you know them?” I asked.

“Not really,” she said, and kissed me again. She lifted her leg and wrapped it around the back of my thighs, drawing me closer and grinding into me. I didn’t pull back because it felt so good to kiss her again, but we weren’t really a hallway PDA couple so it was kind of weird.

“How come they keep looking at you?” I asked after breaking the kiss.

She shrugged and pulled me in the other direction. I looked back one more time, but the guys had fist-bumped and dispersed.

“Meet me at lunch?” Ani asked, hooking her finger into the waist of my jeans.

“Of course.” I turned toward class and she headed up the stairs. I watched her climb the steps and ignored the weird feeling that curled in my stomach. Why had she worn the supertight jeans?

•••

Ani had her hand on my lap for most of lunch. I couldn’t really figure out what was behind her need to constantly touch me, but I wasn’t going to call her on it after she finally seemed to be moving past the rape.

Kevin came over and smiled approvingly at Ani’s appearance. I raised an eyebrow at him but he lifted a shoulder. I couldn’t really blame him, she’d been wearing the big sweatshirt for too long.

“When are you all out on parole?” he asked, sliding into the seat across from us and looking from me to Ani.

“My mom caved and gave me my walking papers, but Beez may be in for life,” Ani answered. I dropped my hand to hers and she curled her fingers around mine. Soft fingers, shaking, but maybe with the same excitement I was feeling.

“Yeah, even on good behavior, I’m grounded for at least two more weeks.”

Kevin shook his head. “Sucks to be you, dude. Massive party at Watson’s house this weekend.”

I tensed and glanced at Ani. Her eyes had gotten a bit buzzier, but she didn’t react otherwise. Just squeezed my hand tighter.

“Looks like you’ll have to go solo on that one,” I said to Kevin.

“I’ll go,” Kate chimed in from the end of the table. She had been frantically studying for a trig test and I didn’t realize she was even listening. Her hair curtained over her face and she bit the skin on the edge of her thumb.

“Me too,” Ani said.

Kevin’s head whipped up and I opened my mouth to say something, but Ani put her free hand over my lips.

“I’m not going to hide away for the rest of high school because of some crazy shit that happened at a party. You said yourself that I needed to start moving past this.”

“Not by going to another party,” I argued.

“I’ll be fine. I won’t drink and I’ll stay by Kevin the whole night.”

I looked at Kevin. He let out a loud breath and raised his shoulders.

“I won’t let anything happen to her. You know I’ll keep my eye on her.”

I snorted. “Yeah, I’ll bet.” I switched my focus to Ani. “I don’t think this is a good idea. Are you sure you want to go? You don’t have to prove anything to us.”

She released my hand and let hers slide up my thigh. Whoa, was she going to grope me in front of everyone? I grabbed her hand and stilled it.

She leaned into me and whispered, “Yes, I want to do this.”

I shifted in my suddenly uncomfortable jeans. “I’m going with you.”

She shook her head. “You’re grounded. Your mom won’t let you out.”

“I’ll figure out a way to sneak out. When do you want to meet?”

Kevin shrugged but didn’t offer any more opinions. “Party starts at nine. We’ll probably head around ten. Want me to pick the girls up?”

I nodded. “Yeah and don’t let either of them drink. And don’t go getting wasted yourself. They are your responsibility until I get there.”

I thought the girls might argue, but neither Kate nor Ani said anything. Ani started to pick at her lunch and Kate returned to her trig cramming. I gave Kevin one last look and choked down the rest of my sandwich.

18

On the drive home from school, I asked Ani if she wanted to come over. I was already late for swim practice, and I didn’t care if I skipped it again if it meant spending time with her. She told me she had too much stuff to do. If she hadn’t hopped in my lap and tried to dry hump me in front of her place, I might have thought she was blowing me off. As it was, I had to pull around the corner so we weren’t completely on display.

“What’s going on with all the touching?” I asked, trying to pry her hands away from the button of my jeans while she nibbled on my neck.

“It’s like you said, I need to be loved. It’s comforting having your hands on me.”

I traced my fingers along her jaw and tilted her face toward mine. Her eyes still looked weird.

“You’re sort of going from zero to sixty here. I’m not really a PDA kind of guy, and I didn’t think you were a PDA kind of girl either. I mean, we weren’t . . . before.”

She stilled for a second and then started to pull herself off my lap. I held her hips so she couldn’t leave. Her eyes squeezed shut and she took a slow breath.

“Maybe I’m more of a PDA girl than you think. I did make out with a guy at a party full of people. And if rumors are correct, I screwed a lighter in front of a bunch of guys as well.”

“You were wasted,” I retorted, gripping her hips tighter. “And you didn’t screw a lighter. Those pricks left a lighter inside of you. Why are you turning this on yourself ?”

She shook her head back and forth. “I’m not getting into this again with you. We said we were going to move past it.”

She dug her nails into my hands so I had to release her.

“What do you want from me?” I asked. I tried to hide the anguish in my voice, but she must have heard it. Her hand rubbed my cheek.

“Nothing, Beez. I don’t want anything from you.”

“Ani . . .” I started, but she turned away and opened the door to get out. A cold wind rushed across my face.

“I’ll call you later,” she said, and waved me off. “Have a good practice.”

I knew she wouldn’t call, and it took everything I had not to go after her and shake her.

I went back to school and got reamed by Coach for being late again. He made me swim an extra hour and told me I better pull my shit together because my times were worse than ever. He threatened to kick me off the team and I almost didn’t care.

A message from Beth, the rape counselor, was on my phone when I got out of practice. I ignored it and drove home too fast, listening to music too loud. Hard, fast guitar, pounding drums, and lots of screeching.

In my room, I stared at my homework for an hour without doing one thing. My body hurt, but I couldn’t rest because different thoughts kept zinging through my head.

I choked down a warmed-up bowl of soup and listened to Michael’s latest clarinet piece, but nothing stopped my toxic thoughts. I finally called Beth back on the cell number she’d left.

“Ben?” she asked. She sounded tired.

“Sorry. I should have called back during your work hours.”

“It’s okay,” she answered. “I was just calling because I wanted to check in. It’s sort of protocol for us. And I couldn’t get through to Ani.”

“Oh. Okay. I’m good, thanks.”

“So, is everything okay with Ani?”

“I don’t know. She’s better, I think. I don’t know. She’s a little weird right now.”

“A little weird is probably normal for rape survivors,” Beth said, and I heard her switch into counselor mode. “Rape trauma syndrome can look really different for different people.”

“Oh. Okay.” Why had I bothered calling her back? Everything she said was textbook bullshit.

“So did you want to talk about it? Or anything else you might have questions about?”

“Well, I don’t know. I guess things are just a little weird, that’s all.” I should have hung up. I knew it. But it was like the phone was glued to the side of my head and her voice on the other end seemed so full of answers.

“What’s weird? What are you seeing?”

Did I want to get into this with her? Crap. I didn’t really have anyone else. God, Ani had boxed me. Boxed us both in.

“Well,” I said, sitting back against my pillows. “She seems to have gotten over the whole shutting-down thing, but now . . . I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. She seems kind of off.”

“How so?”

“She’s really touchy,” I blurted out. What the hell kind of complaint was that? I sounded like a frickin’ baby.

“Touchy like prickly?” Beth asked.

“No,” I mumbled, “more like she can’t keep her hands off me.”

“Oh. Well, that can happen,” Beth said, and somehow her tone of voice made me feel like it actually was normal. It wasn’t her usual rape counselor tone, more like a friend. Or maybe I just wanted that from her so now I couldn’t tell the difference. “Some survivors become clingy to the people they love. It’s like they’re grieving over almost losing them, especially with violent sexual assault. In Ani’s case, she might be clinging to you because you represent a normal life for her.”

“I’m not so sure this is us being normal,” I said.

“If she still has so many holes in her memory, you are constant and solid for her and she needs that right now. Clingy is really normal.”

“Well, yeah, I guess you’d call it clingy. But it’s sort of more than that,” I started. How was I going to explain my fears to Beth?

“More?”

“Yeah, like she wants me to be with her . . . intimately . . . if you get what I mean.” I was like a fricking
Dr. Phil
head case. Crybaby chump. My thumb moved to the off button, but I waited to press it, wincing in anticipation of her rape counselor tone clicking back into place.

“Oh,” she said.

“ ‘Oh’? That’s all you got? ‘Oh’? Are they paying you the big bucks for these responses?” I joked. It was the only way to brush off the fact that I was a total dumb ass complaining about my girlfriend being unable to keep her hands off me.

Beth chuckled a little. “Sorry, I didn’t think that’s where you were going with this conversation. But it is pretty common, too. For Ani, maybe being intimate with you is empowering to her.”

“Will you stop with the counselor speak already? And stop telling me everything is normal or common? What does that even mean?”

Beth sighed. “Maybe Ani feels safe because she’s the one in control, deciding who to be with and how far she wants to go. You are a safe person for her to be with. You’re not going to hurt her.”

“Huh. I hadn’t thought of it like that. I guess that makes sense. But what am I supposed to do about it?”

“Does being with her like that make you uncomfortable because of the assault?” she asked in a soft voice.

“No, of course not. I just . . . I mean, it’s really different for me. Ani and I had been together before, but I’m not really used to her being all over me. Not in front of everyone. I’m not against it, but I feel like it’s weird for her. She wasn’t like that before. Or at least not so much.”

“Okay, well, here’s my counselor take on it: I’d recommend trying to talk to her about it in a way that isn’t judgmental, but more just points out that it’s different for you guys. You also need to make clear that you respect her choices and want to empower her in any way that you can. You don’t have to call it empowering her, but let her know that she’s the boss of her own body. If you’re not comfortable with the intimacy, establish some boundaries with her, but make sure she doesn’t feel like you’re rejecting her because of the rape.”

“Um, okay,” I said. How the hell was I supposed to do all that?

“And please encourage her to join one of our support groups or, at the very least, contact someone on the hotline number I gave her.”

“Okay, I’ll try. Thanks.”

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“You can call me again too. You’ve got my cell number.”

“Okay.”

I hung up and looked at my ceiling. Ani wasn’t going to call a hotline or join a support group. She’d barely talked to me about what happened and she was dating me. She wasn’t about to talk to a roomful of strangers about something she couldn’t remember. I sighed and tried to call her. No answer. My head started to ache. Why did everything have to be so hard?

19

I was late for Watson’s party, of course. I had to wait forever for my parents to go to bed so I could sneak out. They decided to stay up to watch the local news. I sat on the edge of my bed, tapping my toes and texting Kevin to remind him to keep an eye on Ani. After my third text, he messaged back:
Chill the fu
ck out
. I
’v
e
got her. She’s fine
.

It was past eleven o’clock by the time I got there. I walked in and scanned the crowd. It was packed mostly with people I knew, which was good. There was a sweaty mass of too-close couples moving on the dance floor. It was a bakery with all the bodies inside. Dim lights and loud music. But still I found Ani within three minutes of entering. She had on a short skirt and strappy top. My heart stuttered. She stood by the keg with a cup in her hand, talking to a group of people. Kevin had his arm wrapped tightly around her.

I made a beeline toward them and pulled her to the side.

“Ben,” she said, and jumped into my arms. The contents of her cup sloshed down my back.

“I thought you weren’t going to drink,” I said, and tried to set her down. She clung tighter.

“It’s water,” she said, and drank what was left in the cup before tossing it aside. She moved her mouth onto mine and I tasted the cool cleanness of the water.

Kevin sauntered over to us.

“See? Perfectly safe. I told you I’d look out for her, dude.”

I wanted to wipe the smug smile off his face, but I didn’t want to say anything in front of Ani. She hadn’t taken my beating up the asshole in the hall at school very well and I didn’t think she’d appreciate me going off on Kevin and the previous placement of his hand on her hip.

She unwrapped one of her arms from my neck and hooked it around Kevin so she was sandwiched between us. I tried to pull her away but she held tight.

“He totally kept his eyes on me the whole time. He was like a stand-in boyfriend.”

“Nice,” I grumbled, and gave him my ass-kicking stare.

“He’s been very accommodating, watching out for me when he could have been trolling for girls. I think I should reward him,” she continued without even noticing my reaction.

I tugged at her some more, but she released me and wrapped both her arms around Kevin. I saw his eyes bug out for half a second before her mouth was on his and her leg snaked up and pulled him toward her.

What. The. Fuck.

“Ani!” I shouted, and grabbed her shoulder so hard she stumbled away from Kevin.

She turned on me and crossed her arms, pillowing up her boobs so I could almost see the nipples popping out of her tiny shirt.

“What?” she snapped.

I took a breath and looked at Kevin. His hand covered his mouth and he stared at me in panic. He shook his head at my accusatory face and I zeroed in on Ani.

“Can I talk to you outside?” I asked in a low voice. I didn’t want a big showdown in front of everyone. Ani already had a reputation at parties and I didn’t want to make things worse for her. But my brain was reeling.

I seethed and pointed to the deck door. She raised her chin and stomped out in front of me. When I had closed the door behind me, I turned my anger on her.

“Is this your way of breaking up with me?” I spat.

Her eyes got buzzy again and she shook her head. “I’m not breaking up with you. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you started making out with my best friend in front of me.”

“I was saying thank you for keeping me safe,” she snapped back.

“By kissing him?”

“Yes, Beezus, in case you haven’t heard from the
entire
school, that’s what I do.”

I scrubbed my hand over my face and massaged my temples. She moved her hands over her shoulders, trying to keep warm in the cold night air. I looked at her outfit again and cringed at the amount of skin she had on display.

“Why are you being this way? You’re killing me here. I want to help you, but you’re making it so hard for me.”

“I didn’t ask for your help.”

“Ani,” I said, and rubbed my hands across her shoulders.

“I didn’t even want you at the hospital.” Her words stung me like tiny razors across my skin.

I bit the inside of my cheek and remembered the things Beth had said.

“It’s your choice. All of this. It’s
your
choice. Do you still want to be with me?”

“I never said I didn’t,” she said, taking a small step closer.

“Then be with
me
. Don’t screw around with Kevin. I don’t want to share you. I’m not that guy. You know I’m not.”

She stood on her toes and kissed the top of my head. She moved down my cheek to my neck and sucked on it like she wanted to give me a hickey. Her arms hooked around me and she lifted herself up so I had to hold her beneath her thighs. I could feel the goose bumps on the backs of her legs.

“Poor, poor Beezus. Don’t you realize? You already have shared me.”

She kissed me on the mouth then, deep and long. I wanted to break away, talk to her more, try to work out what had happened, but she clung to me so desperately, I couldn’t stop. I moved her off the deck and into the darkness on the side of the house. She pulled frantically at my clothes and I quickly unzipped my jeans and rolled a condom on while she slipped her panties off. What the hell was I doing?

I almost retreated but her voice pleaded and I didn’t know what to do. Was this what Beth meant by empowering Ani? Because all I could see was a whole lot of screwed-up.