Fault Line (14 page)

•••

The next day, I went to the rape crisis center for a Healing Allies meeting. Me. At a support group. This was what my life had come to. I didn’t even have a lot of hope for it, but at least it felt like I was doing something. I walked into the brightly lit room and froze when I saw gray plastic chairs all in a circle. The carpet beneath my feet was the crappy industrial kind, worn and suspiciously barf-colored. I sat next to a chubby girl with frizzy curls who introduced herself as Sofia. She was taking classes at the community college and wanted to be a nurse. I mumbled my name and let her ramble on. When the overly tidy group “facilitator” walked in, I nearly bolted. Sofia’s hand stopped me.

“Give him a chance,” she whispered. “He looks like an idiot, but he’s actually pretty good. And he’s been through it.”

I eyed the rest of the people in the room. As I suspected, there were several parents there, but there were also a couple of younger kids around Michael’s age, and another guy with a pissed-off expression who was probably in the same boat as me.

“So, I’m Neil,” the facilitator said, “and this is Healing Allies. Some of you have been here before but I see a few new faces.” Neil directed his attention to me and the pissed-off dude. “Why don’t you all go around and introduce yourselves and if you feel comfortable, explain why you’re here?”

Oh, Christ. I’d stumbled into some sort of touchy-feely AA thing. I shifted in my seat and Sofia put her hand on my arm again. I shook it off. Who did this girl think she was?

Neil turned to Sofia. “Would you like to start, Sofia?”

She pushed her frizzy hair out of her face and took a deep breath. “Sure. I’m Sofia. I’m a sexual assault survivor as well as an ally. My brother sexually molested me for six years, and when I finally told my family, it came out that he had been molesting my cousin as well.”

I gaped at her. I couldn’t believe this girl just put herself out there like that. And she’d been molested by her brother for six years. Jesus. Six fricking years. My brain couldn’t wrap itself around that. And the messed-up part was she didn’t even seem that upset. I looked at the rest of the group to see if they were as shocked as I was. They all just looked normal. Except for the pissed-off dude, who was staring at his feet and ripping a hole in the bottom of his T-shirt. Sofia gave me an understanding smile.

“I’ve been in counseling for a really long time,” she said in a low voice.

“Clearly,” I muttered back. What the hell was I doing in this place? I didn’t belong with these people.

Neil directed his attention to me. “Would you like to introduce yourself ?”

I opened my mouth and took a breath. I looked at the faces staring back at me and shook my head. I couldn’t do it. It felt like I was betraying Ani. I stood up and mumbled an apology. My cheeks flushed as I stumbled to the door and walked outside.

I leaned my head against the side of the building and took large breaths. Thirty seconds later Sofia exited.

“When did it happen?” She moved to the space next to me and sat cross-legged on the ground.

I slumped down next to her, careful not to get too close. “A couple months ago.”

“Your girlfriend?” she asked.

I nodded.

“No one’s gonna judge you in there. They’re all going through the same thing.”

I didn’t answer.

“The first time I came to a meeting, I was with my parents. My mom cried almost the whole time, saying how it was her fault. It was horrible. I never wanted to come back.”

I looked at her. Her face had tons of freckles on it and she’d obviously had acne problems when she was younger because she had some scarring.

“Why did you come back?”

“Because afterward, I went to see my cousin and she was a wreck. She was really angry with me. She told me if I had just said something in the first place, maybe she wouldn’t have been raped by my brother.”

The reality of her situation snapped at me again.

“Jesus Christ. Your own fricking brother? And he did it to your cousin, too?”

“Yeah. And if I’d said something, he probably wouldn’t have gotten to her.”

What was I supposed to say? I’d played the “if only” game enough to know where Sofia’s cousin was coming from.

“At first I thought my cousin was right to blame me. I mean, she sort of
was
right, but this group helped me realize that I wasn’t the one who assaulted her. It was my brother.”

“Huh. Well, it seems like it worked out for you.”

She laughed. “Yeah. Whatever that means.”

I closed my eyes and thought of all the things Ani had said to me. All the things about it being her fault and only being good at one thing now. She didn’t know how to go back. She couldn’t let go of what happened and I didn’t think I could walk away from her until she did. Part of me got that we couldn’t be salvaged, but maybe Ani could. If Sofia could be raped by her brother and still show up at a crap support group every week, Ani might be able to get past things one day.

“Yeah. Whatever that means,” I repeated.

“I was one of those girls who thought rape was a guy pulling you into an alley and holding a knife to your throat. I didn’t think my own brother could do that to me. And I didn’t want to tell anyone because it was my family.”

“How come you did?”

“Because I didn’t want it to keep happening anymore. I wanted to die, it was tearing me apart so much.”

“So what happened?” I didn’t even want to think about my sick fascination with this girl’s story and how she actually seemed pretty fine after all the crap that happened to her.

“When I finally did say something, no one wanted to really talk about it. They all kind of freaked. Especially my mom. But then we all went to see someone. And my brother left for a while.”

“Left where?”

She shrugged. “He did this sex offenders’ treatment program. And he was old enough to move out, so he did.”

“Do you still see him?”

“No. Not really.”

“That’s messed up.” It was, but still, she was sitting here, not boning other guys; she was doing something about her shitty situation.

“And when I tell people about it now, they all look at me like I did something wrong. Like I should’ve said something sooner. Like it couldn’t ever happen to them because they would be smarter than me.”

I dropped my face into my hands. Was that why Ani didn’t want to tell anyone the truth? Was she worried people would blame her? That they would say it was her fault?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sofia asked.

I nodded but refused to look at her. I picked up a handful of tiny pebbles next to me and tossed one. I stared straight ahead and poured out the entire story of what’d happened, tossing pebbles throughout. At the end Sofia didn’t say anything. She just gave me an awkward sisterly hug and handed me a slip of paper with her cell number on it if I ever wanted to talk.

“You should talk to a counselor, Ben,” she said on her way back inside. “They can help. At the very least, come back to group. You’d be amazed. You’re not the only one going through something like this.”

She waved to me, and a small knot inside my stomach uncurled. I’d told my story. Ani’s story. I had no answers, but somehow, it seemed easier having put it out in the world, even if it was to a strange girl who had enough problems of her own.

23

I drove around for over an hour after I left Sofia. Past school, past my house, past the zoo. I parked on the street behind Ani’s place and sat. The temperature had dropped and I shivered in my car, unable to get out and go talk to Ani. My phone pinged. Text from Kevin.

Coach said if you miss another practice, he’s pulling you from the relay team.

I was supposed to be in the pool three hours a day during winter break. To get my times back and, as Coach put it, pull my head out of my ass. I’d be lucky if I got in the pool once. Coach
should
drop me from the relay team. My times sucked anyway. I was dead weight to Kevin and the other guys. The frickin’ fish out of water. I didn’t bother texting Kevin back.

Sofia’s words zipped around my head, but none of them stuck. They all started to feel like bullshit in the same way that Beth’s did. Like that’s what you say to the family and friends of rape victims because everyone is too afraid to tell you the truth. That it doesn’t fucking get better. That you spin your wheels and it just gets worse.

When I got too cold to sit any longer, I walked to Ani’s. She swung the door open like she was expecting me, but only as a burden she couldn’t let go of. I didn’t tell her anything about Healing Allies.
I asked her if she was okay, if she wanted to talk about the sex thing, but she shook her head and led me into the kitchen where she made us quesadillas. We ate in silence and I racked my brain for a topic of conversation that wouldn’t cause any more damage to the two of us.

Gayle walked in while we were still eating.

“Ben, it’s so nice to see you. It’s been too long,” she said, and squeezed my shoulder.

“Yeah. Uh, how’s your class going?” I asked as she tore off a piece of Ani’s quesadilla and popped it in her mouth. She smoothed Ani’s hair but didn’t see her flinch. God, how could she not see what was happening to her own daughter?

“Good. It’s actually just a short camp to keep kids entertained and out of their parents’ hair while they’re on vacation. What are you up to this winter break? Is your family staying in town?”

“Yeah, my mom’s having some of her relatives over for Christmas Eve, but then we’ll probably just hang out and play board games on Christmas Day. It’s sort of a family ritual,” I answered, tracking Ani’s facial expression. It remained completely blank.

“Oh, that sounds nice. Maybe we should do something like that, Ani?” She rubbed Ani’s back and must have noticed her sudden tensing because she quirked her head slightly.

“Maybe,” Ani replied, and took a bite of quesadilla.

Gayle’s eyes met mine in question and when I didn’t respond, she refocused on Ani. Awkward silence pressed against the three of us. I desperately wanted Gayle to ask something that might open Ani up, but she just kept looking between the two of us. Ani chewed her food slowly while she spun the plate in front of her. I kept waiting for it to slip off the island. Crack into a bunch of pieces on the ground so that maybe we could say something about broken things.

“It’d be nice to get to spend time just the two of us,” Gayle finally said with her eyes trained on Ani’s face. “You’ve been out so much lately. It’ll be good to have some mother-daughter bonding time.” She turned toward me and gave me a fake, bright smile. “And you need to stop planning so many evening outings with my daughter. She can be home sometimes too, not just always at your house.”

I swallowed a lump of quesadilla and glanced at Ani. We hadn’t been to my house in almost a month. Where had Ani been going all these nights? And who was she going out with? I took a sip of the lemonade Ani had poured me and tried not to puke up everything I’d just eaten.

Ani’s empty eyes met mine and she offered me a tiny shake of her head.

I looked back to Gayle. “Okay. Sure. We can hang out here, too.”

Gayle nodded, grabbed one more bite of Ani’s food, and walked out the kitchen door, mumbling about moody kids.

•••

I wouldn’t have sex with Ani that night. Even after Gayle left and Ani climbed into my lap. I wouldn’t let her touch me the next night either. I told her I couldn’t be with her until we talked about what happened. She refused. It tore me up to turn her down because I could see how much my rejection stung. But I also realized that sex was somehow pushing us further apart and I wasn’t interested in being one of
tho
se guys
anymore.

The problem was that Ani got more and more sullen. I’d bring over movies to watch, and she’d stare out the window the entire time they were on. I’d try to hold her hand, and she’d pull away. She wouldn’t talk to me, she wouldn’t talk to Kate, she wouldn’t talk to Beth when she called. She was completely shutting down, and I didn’t know what I could do about it.

I drove to the pool every day but somehow couldn’t find it in me to get out of my Jeep and practice. So I sat and stewed, trying to figure out what might break through Ani’s shell. None of my ideas seemed to be working. Desperation started to creep over me. I knew it was happening, could feel it every morning as I woke up more shredded than the day before. Hours spent with Ani left me hollow and alone. I needed to get out, but every time I thought about leaving, I remembered the way she curled into my lap in the front hallway of school and cried her eyes out.

And I remembered how she used to be and thought maybe I just needed to try harder, find something that would actually work. Kevin texted me, but I couldn’t do more than send clipped responses back. I was fine. Everything was fine. I wasn’t feeling good. Too sick to make it to swim practice. Bullshit excuse after bullshit excuse.

The loneliness started to eat away at me, and out of hopelessness, I went back online to a survivors’ forum. The rape stories may have been made up, but they were closer to real than anything I had with Ani. I talked about Ani and what was happening with us. The other survivors told me to keep trying, not to push Ani, but to be present for her. Their words soothed me in a way I hadn’t felt since I took Ani home from the hospital. But still, a part of me understood that it was all smoke and mirrors. Their stories weren’t Ani’s. My reality was my own.

I spent too much time on the computer. My mom popped her head in more than once and said she was concerned I was becoming addicted to cyber porn. She was joking, but her eyes looked past me at the blank screen with my chat window up. Cyber porn might have been easier. Instead, I was addicted to fixing Ani.

When I was at Ani’s, I acted like we were okay and tried to ignore the cracking pieces of us. When I was home, I stayed online, waiting, hoping, pretending it wasn’t that big a deal to crave solace from strangers.

GuerGirl24: Everyone told me I needed to get over it. But it took me so long because I never felt completely safe. It was like I was always on my guard. I still am. Give Ani time; she’s hurting more than you know.

“Ani,” I said one afternoon when we were sitting on her couch.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go check out the Zoo Lights? They’re supposed to be pretty cool. My mom told me they give you hot chocolate and sing carols on the Motor Safari tour.” I was grasping at straws, but I couldn’t stand being in Ani’s apartment any longer.

“I don’t think so, Bumble.”

“Why not? It’ll be fun. Remember? The zoo’s kind of our place.”

Ani stared at me for a long time. Finally she said, “The zoo’s not our place. We don’t have a place anymore. We have an apartment that you visit, but it’s just a holding space. A cage for the two of us to walk around in, staring at each other, wondering who’s going to get out first.” She stood up and got my coat from the closet without saying another word.

As I drove home, all I could think was: How much time would I have to give her?

Niki4347: I didn’t remember anything after my rape. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time because I didn’t want to remember. I just wanted to survive.

“I’m not up for chatting today, Ben,” Ani said before I had walked two feet into her room. “You need to either sleep with me or head back home.”

I stared at the ceiling and counted to ten. “I’m not sleeping with you until we talk about what happened.”

“Jesus, why can’t I be with someone who wants me?” Her eyes filled with tears, and I felt like such a dick, I nearly gave in.

“You know I want you. Don’t turn this around on me. But I won’t have you that way.”

Ani pointed to the door. “Then leave. Now. I’m not up for you today.”

When I got home, I asked one of the online survivors how she was able to move past the rape. I didn’t want to pry, but I was running out of ideas to help Ani. The survivor told me her parents believed her and she got counseling and it was enough. I rubbed my eyes and stared at the picture of Ani tacked on my bulletin board. Why wasn’t I enough for her? I had buried my doubts about what happened at the party so deep, she didn’t even know they existed, and still I wasn’t enough. It killed me.

TaylrGrl99: I didn’t think I could come back from it. For a long time, I didn’t even want to. But people cared and I faced it and made myself whole again.

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings the other day,” Ani said when I brought her a peppermint mocha and a teddy bear with a ribbon around its neck the day after Christmas.

“I know.”

“I made you something,” she said, and smiled shyly. Warmth moved through me. “I’ve been working on it awhile. I thought it might help you keep warm in the winter.”

She pulled out a lopsided black-and-yellow striped hat. I grinned.

“I knitted it. See, it’s bee colors, you know?”

“Yeah, I got that.” I pulled it on my head. It was at least five sizes too big, but it was the most perfect thing I’d ever gotten from Ani. “It’s awesome. Thanks.”

I leaned in to kiss her and she kissed me back softly. I moved a bit closer and nearly sobbed the minute I felt her change, open up her mouth and shut down her emotions. I pulled back, but she hung on to me and ground herself into my leg.

“Ani, stop. Don’t make this into that. I kissed you because I love the hat. I love that you made something. You haven’t done that in forever. No necklaces or painting or anything. This is a really big deal. I don’t want anything else from you.”

Her huge eyes filled with tears. I tried to hug her but she stepped away from me.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice shaking. “That’s all I have for you right now, Beez. That’s all I have to give.”

I left Ani’s house that night wearing the hat. She didn’t say anything about it. I’d damaged her by stopping sex this time and I didn’t know how to undo it.

Kevin was waiting for me when I got home.

“You don’t look sick,” he said as soon as I walked into my living room.

I shrugged and glanced around. My parents and Michael were playing Uno in the kitchen. Dad’s Haitian music chimed from the speakers. “I can’t swim.”

“You can swim. You’re
not
swimming, but you
can
swim. Jesus Christ, it’s enough, dude. You’ve had enough. You’re my friend so I’m telling you this for your own good. Get out of this. Now.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“The fuck I don’t. That girl’s a mess and she’s pulled you into her vortex of doom, and if someone doesn’t drag you out, the two of you are gonna drown.”

“Oh, Jesus, stop being so dramatic.” I whipped my hat off and tucked it into my coat pocket.

“I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. Do you even love this girl anymore?”

His question hit me in the chest. Christ. Did I? “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it matters that much. I think I can help her, get her back.”

“Dude, that’s bullshit bravado. And I gotta be honest, at this point, all I’m worried about is getting you back.”

I stood up and crossed to the front door. “I’m not fucking lost. She is. She needs me. She needs someone to believe her and help her.”

Kevin pulled on his jacket and followed me to the door. “Dude, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into. This isn’t fixable. How many more times am I gonna have to have this conversation with you?”

“None. I don’t want to discuss it with you anymore. My girlfriend. My business.”

Kevin barked out a hollow laugh. “Yeah. Your
girlfriend
. I think there might be a few guys who’d disagree with you on that.”

I pulled my arm back to hit him, but he ducked and darted from the door. “Go to hell!” I shouted after him.

“I’m already there, bro. Visiting you and Ani, the girl you aren’t even sure you love.”

When I got to my room, I texted Sofia from Healing Allies
and told her what happened. I’d been thinking about her a lot since telling her my story the night of group. I hadn’t gone back and wouldn’t, but I was frantic to find someone who understood what I was going through. Someone who would tell me I was doing the right thing. She texted back and asked me if I could be with Ani still, even if she wasn’t ever completely whole again. I couldn’t answer truthfully. I felt too guilty and knew I was a complete shit for thinking,
I don’t think so
.