Fault Line (15 page)

24

After break, when we got back to school, Ani turned into a complete ghost. She started missing classes. She avoided all of us. She stopped eating with us, stopped showing up at lunch most days. I saw her in the hall with different guys and tried to pretend I didn’t notice. I was paralyzed as to what to do. When I’d finally screw up my courage to break things off with her, she’d do something like take my hand in the hall and tell me she was excited to go to my next swim meet. For every flash I got of the old Ani, there would be hours of the new Ani, cold indifference plastered on her face. But the flashes still existed and I still hoped.

I went to swim practice and couldn’t get my shit together in the pool. Coach told me he was going to recommend someone else for my scholarship. I should have felt bad, but too many other things had taken over that space in my body. A lost scholarship seemed like nothing.

My mom started asking me questions at home. I had no answers. Our family dinners were filled with everyone staring at me while I pretended everything was fine.

“I’ve decided we should go back to Haiti for your spring vacation,” my dad announced one night.

I pushed the rice around on my plate and kept my eyes down.

“Your father and I think we all need to reconnect,” Mom said, watching me spear a green bean.

Michael looked at me. I didn’t say anything. “It’d be a good idea, Ben. Don’t you think?”

I swallowed a tasteless lump of food. “Sure. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Grandpa,” I said to my dad.

He scrutinized me. I kept my face blank, not letting my dad’s keen perception tear down the house of cards I’d so carefully built with my family.

“And I think we could all use a break from things,” he said with a nod.

I shrugged. I wanted to go to Haiti. I felt different when I was there, part of something bigger. But the thought of Ani on her own for ten days paralyzed me. What would happen to her? Would she even miss me?

My mom got up to get a glass of water. She touched my hand when she returned to the table. “It’ll give us a chance to talk.”

I stuffed the rest of my roll in my mouth and chewed slowly, unwilling to offer my family anything else. I didn’t have it in me to say anything to them. I was too tired to face the consequences of their help.

My mom turned to Michael and dabbed a piece of food off his face with her napkin. He batted her hand away.

“Cut it out, Mom,” he said. “I’m not four.”

I elbowed him and nodded. He grinned at me and rolled his eyes at Mom. Relief tugged at my stomach. The two of us were okay as brothers. At least I had that.

I sat through dinner until I couldn’t stand it anymore, then bolted from the table and retreated to my room.

I continued to go online to rape forums almost every night, asking advice from strangers on what to do. It was stupid. But it was all I had. Everyone seemed to say the same thing:
Be there when she’s ready to talk
. Then ignoring my growing guilt, I texted Sofia. We spent less time talking about Ani and formed sort of a strange friendship. Neither of us mentioned what I figured we both knew—I was betraying Ani by turning to Sofia. I was too exhausted to care. Sofia was like a secret-keeping sister to me and I had no interest in giving her up.

I still tried to find Ani in between classes. Sometimes she was with other guys. Mostly she was alone. Just like I’d left her at that party. I reminded her I would support her any way she needed me to. She looked through me and almost never responded.

•••

I found her in the art room one day after school and the relief nearly buckled me.

“You’re painting,” I said, walking up behind her.

She jumped a little but turned to me with a smile. “Yeah. I had this dream last night. Crazy. I wanted to paint it.”

“It’s been a long time since you’ve been in here.”

She nodded. I stared past her and blinked at the painting. Harsh blues and blacks swirled around a naked girl. Naked Ani. Slashes of red on the insides of her thighs. I looked closer. Not swirls of blue and black, but dark, horned monsters. Scribbly writing covered the bottom of the picture. I leaned forward, trying to make out the words.
At night she was haunted by demons and monsters and the boy who liked to play with fire.

“Jesus,” I whispered.

“It’s not finished yet. I still haven’t added the boy with the lighter.”

“Ani,” I said, and shut my eyes. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been there.”

What the hell else could I say? I should ask about the dream, but I couldn’t. I knew what it was about. Part of me was glad she’d painted it. I hoped it would make things better, make her not have bad dreams. Maybe it could be an outlet for her. But as soon as I thought it, I saw the shutters close over her eyes again.

She picked up a large can of black paint and poured it over the top of the painting.

“What are you doing?”

She covered the painted mess with a cloth and grabbed her bag. “Nothing. It was stupid anyway. Let’s go.”

•••

When I was at school and didn’t have the computer or Sofia, I talked to Kate. Ani had blown her off too.

“The thing that bugs me the most,” Kate said one day at lunch, “is that this totally isn’t her. Ani’s not a sneak-around-and-be-evasive kind of person. She’s called me on my shit from day one. You too. I just don’t get why she won’t let us help her.”

“Maybe she blames you?” Kevin asked.

Kate turned her death stare on him.

He held up his hands. “I’m not saying it’s fair or anything, I’m just saying that a part of her may blame the two of you for not keeping her safe at the party.”

Kate’s eyes brimmed with tears. I handed her a napkin.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I said. “There wasn’t much you could do. It would’ve been different if I was there. But Ani made her own choices at that party. And so did the bastards who messed with her.”

Kate brushed away tears. “I could’ve done something. I saw it happening. I was just so angry about what she said to me. She was being such a bitch. I should have seen she was in over her head.”

I patted her hand and hoped she would stop crying. I couldn’t take much more of girls crying. And I couldn’t think about the events of the party anymore. Ani’s ass in some guy’s hands. Ani table dancing. Ani making out with someone else. The reality of her at the party and the reality of her since the rape were too close for me to think about.

Ani walked up to our table and looked at Kate’s hand in mine. “Are you fucking Kate?”

I reeled back. “Of course not. What are you talking about?”

She shrugged. “Maybe she’ll have more luck with you than I have.”

Her words were like darts piercing my skin. Accusation and defeat seeped into the space between us.

“Why are you being such a bitch, Ani?” Kate asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Ani responded, and started to walk away. I grabbed her hand and she turned back to me.

“I’m not hooking up with Kate. I’m with you,” I said firmly.

Ani laughed and it nearly swallowed me. “No,
you
are definitely not with me. But trust me, you’re among the minority. Just ask your friend Kevin.” She winked at him and walked away.

I swiveled in my seat and stared at Kevin. “Don’t even tell me you’ve messed around with Ani.”

He shifted in his seat. “No, man, of course not.” Red splotches popped up on his neck.

“Then what is she talking about?” I asked, clenching my jaw. Dammit. I could barely breathe. It was a constant shit spiral and I needed to get out.

“I don’t know,” he said, his gaze avoiding mine.

“Kevin. What the hell happened?”

“Nothing. I didn’t do anything with her. I swear,” he said.

“Then what?” I looked at him and waited.

Kevin squeezed the muscles on his neck and finally met my stare. “I walked in on her going down on some guy in the locker room during gym class.”

I gaped at him. “When?” I asked as calmly as I could.

“Last week.”

“How’d she know you were there?” Every part of my body shook. I was so disgusted with Ani. So disgusted with myself.

Kevin took a deep breath. “She saw me. The guy didn’t because he had his eyes closed, but she saw me. She signaled me to come closer. I took off. She texted me afterward to ask if I liked the show. It was totally messed up. I didn’t even answer her text.”

I crumbled my lunch into a ball and tossed it in the trash can. I grabbed my coat and Ani’s bee hat from my locker. I walked out the school doors, got in my car, and drove. I didn’t want to go home. I wished I could leave town. I needed to get away. I turned the radio up and pulled to the side of the road and cried. I hadn’t cried hard tears since my dog died when I was nine years old, but I was wrung out. I felt as hollow as Ani looked.

25

I finally wiped my face and called Sofia. Our weird relationship had always been about texting; I’d never called her before. She’d never even suggested it. It always seemed like it crossed a line that I wasn’t quite ready to go over.

She picked up on the first ring. Her voice sounded younger than I remembered and so different from the cracked emptiness of Ani.

“It’s Ben. Can you talk?” My voice sounded hoarse. I cleared my throat.

“Yeah, I don’t have class until tonight. What’s up? Is Ani okay?”

“She thinks I’m messing around with one of her friends.” I heard Sofia’s little gasp. “And she doesn’t even seem to care,” I blurted out. I shut my eyes to the raw memory of Ani’s indifferent accusation.

“Oh, Ben, I’m so sorry. Did she say she doesn’t care?”

“Not in so many words, but I got the general idea. It wasn’t the worst part, though.”

Sofia stayed silent on the other end. I had to check my phone to see if we were still connected.

“My friend Kevin saw her going down on some guy in gym class. And then she pretty much offered herself up to Kevin afterward. It was disgusting.”

“God, things are really bad with her right now. What did you do?”

A weird grumble came from my throat. “What do you think I did? I took off. I couldn’t stand to look at her or Kevin. I mean, how long do I have to watch this mess?”

“Ben,” Sofia said softly. “I’m glad you called. Don’t get me wrong. I want to help you. But why are you asking me this? Why are you on the phone with
me
?”

“Because,” I answered, trying not to cry again, “I don’t know who else to talk to.”

“Ani,” she said. “Go talk to Ani. About all of this. Don’t avoid anything. Be honest and see if you guys can start from there.”

“I’m not sure I can,” I said, and this time, I did choke on tears.

“Then tell her that. Tell her it’s tearing you apart and she needs to get help. Don’t give her an ultimatum, but tell her how you feel. It’s the only thing you can do for her now.”

I clicked off with Sofia, and doubt rested in my gut. It’d been going on too long with too much shit piled up. But Ani deserved the conversation, even if she didn’t want it. I was determined to have it out with her one way or another. I couldn’t stand by and watch everything fall apart any longer. Nothing I had done had worked.

I planned on taking Ani home and not letting her go until she agreed to talk to someone about everything. A rape counselor, her mom, the people on the hotline, I didn’t care as long as she did something. There was a good chance I’d lose her after my intervention, but I had nothing left of my Ani, so it didn’t seem like that big a risk.

Kevin had seen her going down on another guy. Jesus.
You’re definitely not with me
. Ani’s venomous words scraped over me. I wasn’t. I wasn’t with her. I was part of her problem as far as I could tell.

I drove back to school in time for the final bell. I pushed through swarms of kids trying to get out for the day. I scanned the halls looking for Ani but couldn’t find her. I texted Kevin and Kate to ask if they’d seen her.
She’s meeting with
Mr. Pinter
, Kate texted back, and I ignored the tightening in my stomach.

Instead, I practiced the words I would say to her in my head. If I wasn’t
with
her, then I could at least lay everything bare. Force her to get the help she needed.

I hated that she was meeting with Mr. Pinter. Old, fat Mr. Pinter, who spent most of his days lecturing to girls’ chests. I’d heard sick rumors about him but never believed them. Why was Ani meeting him?

I raced to his classroom, but his door was closed and locked. I heard voices inside and pressed my ear to the door, hoping no one would notice the crazy eavesdropper in the hall. Mr. Pinter’s low mumble was followed by Ani’s phony, tittering laugh.

I banged on the door. No one answered, but the room suddenly got quiet. I banged on the door again. Nothing. What the fuck?

My entire body started to sweat. I tore down the hall and out the exit. A half a dozen people called to me outside, but I ignored them all. I circled the building and ducked into the evergreen bushes alongside the windows of Mr. Pinter’s room. My heart thudded as I peered up into the first window. The shades were drawn. I inched farther down the outer wall and checked the second window. The shades were drawn there, too.

Jesus. What was I doing? What the hell had become of me? My system was on autopilot. Determination and desperation mashed together in my gut. It was like the final lap of a relay and I was way behind, pulling out everything that I had.

I stepped back from the wall and eyed the entire bank of windows. All of them had the shades drawn fully except for the last. About six inches of open window were left at the bottom. He must have left it open after third period, when the school always got overly hot.

I sucked in a deep breath and made my way down to it. I sat beneath the window on the frozen ground and listened. A deep moan sounded from within and I closed my eyes and counted. Finally I stood up and stared into Mr. Pinter’s classroom.

He sat at his desk chair with his pants pushed to his ankles, and Ani crouched between his legs. Her hands gripped his thighs, and he tugged on her head, pushing her deeper into his lap. She had on her winter coat still, part of it trapped underneath the wheel of his chair.

“That’s it. Take it all,” he moaned, and my hands shook.

It made me sick to watch, but I couldn’t turn away. I willed Ani to see me and suddenly she turned her head in my direction. At the same time, Mr. Pinter barked out a loud curse and grasped her ponytail tightly. Her wide, empty eyes watched me as he held her in place and pulsed into her mouth. Finally he sat back, pulled his pants up, and patted her on the shoulder.

She stood up without breaking eye contact with me. She yanked at the coat and it tore at the bottom. She slowly wiped her mouth and waited to see what I would do. I snatched the knitted bee hat from my head and threw it on the ground. Her hands brushed away the dust on her knees. When I didn’t stop staring, she turned away, picked up her backpack, slid her hand along Mr. Pinter’s zipper without even looking at him, and walked out the door.

I barfed on the frozen ground until there was nothing left inside of me. I was still dry heaving when Ani walked up, leaned over me, and picked up the hat.

“You’ve wrecked us. Wrecked me,” I choked out.

She played with a loose piece of yarn on the rim. “I know.”

I wiped my mouth and crawled into a seated position. She dropped next to me.

“Do you even care?”

She handed me the hat. “Yes.”

“Then why are you doing this? All of it?”

Her fingers found the rip in her coat. “You have no idea what my life is like now, Bumble. I told you, this is who I am.”

The bile still burned the back of my throat. “Fuck that. Enough with that. You made this choice.”

She stood up and brushed the ice flakes from her coat. “You don’t move on from something like that party.”

“Yes, people can. They have. It’s not—”

“All that stuff about healing. It’s crap. You might forget sometimes. You might pretend you’re fine. But then one day, you’re outside and someone totally innocently asks to borrow a lighter. Or you see a girl drinking too much and you wonder if she’ll get home that night. It stays with you forever.”

She took a step away from me and my insides tore open.

“Why?” I shouted. “Why would you do that? With him? That sicko pervert?” I pointed to Mr. Pinter’s window. “It’s disgusting. How could you even consider it?”

She blinked her eyes at me once. Twice. “Don’t you see? If I don’t hate myself, I don’t feel anything at all. At least disgust feels better than nothing.”

She shuffled away, barely lifting her boots as she walked, not looking back. It was too much. I could never understand it. Not how she explained it. I sort of hated myself for even thinking I could help in the first place. What the hell did I know? I was basically just a kid with a messed-up girlfriend. Deluded into thinking I could do something to fix her.

Snow started to fall as I sat unmoving on the ground. I didn’t feel the cold, didn’t feel anything but numbness and the absolute certainty that everything I’d done over the past few months hadn’t meant anything. Pieces of me and Ani were strewn all over, and there was no regluing us. Even the anger started to seep out of me. It took too much energy to maintain. I didn’t fucking care anymore and that was the worst part of all of it. Kevin was right. Somehow, I’d gotten just as lost as Ani. Clinging to bullshit hopes fueled by people I didn’t even really know. When the truth was, at the end of it all, there was just me and Ani. In a cage. Waiting to see who would leave first.

My hands trembled as I pulled my cell out of my back pocket. Tears rolled down my face and landed on my hand, each cool drop slicing through another layer of me. I shut my eyes for a few seconds, released a deep breath, and called Gayle. The phone rang and Ani disappeared farther down the block. I was done. Undone. Ani wasn’t mine to patch up any longer. But even as Gayle’s voice cut through the line and I opened my mouth to speak, I wasn’t sure if I had escaped the cage or if Ani had.