Feeling the Moment (9 page)

Chapter Nine

River

Seeing the fear in Kim’s eyes that day on the boat, it changed something in me. Well, not really changed me, but more woke me up to what I was already feeling. It was in that moment that I knew I wasn’t walking down this first time journey on my own.

Listening to Kim as she told me about her past brought my own back to me. It was something I didn’t like to relive, but yet here I am thinking about what I’ve been through, what my siblings have been through, at the hands of people that were supposed to protect us.

Although, as I walked back with heavy feet toward the cabin, I was ready to kill my brother. He may be my younger brother, he may be a great guy, but right now he cost me something far more than money could ever buy.

As I pushed through the trees, the cabin slowly came into view. On the back deck, I could see my brothers all standing around. Anger pushed away the sadness, the heartbreak. Actually, I preferred that.

Stomping up the steps onto the deck, they had to keep digging. They decided to crack jokes.

“Damn man, that was quick,” Ryan joked.

“No wonder you cycle through your hoes. Oh the shame of being quick on the trigger,” Jayden made the mistake of taking it further.

The stupid fucker!

In three more steps, I was in front of him, my hands around his throat and pinning him against the side of the house.

“You fucking asshole! I saved you! I fucking saved you from Miles and Helen and you pull this fucking shit!” I roared in his face.

# # #

Fifteen years old…

It was another one of those days. A day like yesterday, last week, last month, last year. Another day that I prayed the bruises didn’t show, or that they at least bought my bullshit excuses on why I have them. On the outside, I dressed the part of a thug. When I was around others I acted the part too. But when I was at home, when I was alone, things were different.

Who I pretended to be during the day was the complete opposite of who I was. Women loved me for the edge or mystery I carried about me, but it didn’t change what I walked into every day. The fear I couldn’t seem to contain. The fear that crippled me. I was fucking weak. No more than that, I was a fucking pussy!

“RIVER! You fucking idiot! Where the fuck are you?” Miles roared from the stairs.

Miles was what everyone would refer to as my father. Me, I didn’t refer to him as anything but an asshole. Of course, I wasn’t stupid enough to say it in front of him, but even still he wasn’t my father. Helen was his life sucking wife. Again she was not my mother. No, parents didn’t treat their children the way they treated me and my siblings.

Ryan and Lacee are older than me. Ryan was twenty and Lacee eighteen. Neither of them were here much so it left me to watch over my brothers and sisters. Jayden and Kayden were eight and Maree was five.

“River! River!”

Sulking, I walked out of my room and down the steps. I knew what I was headed for, but I still went every time. As long as they were beating on me, they weren’t touching my younger siblings. It was that fact that kept me putting one foot in front of the other.

Turning the corner to walk toward the room I referred to as the room of pain. The room was located in the basement. The steps down to the basement was just the build up that Miles and Helen seemed to crave when they had their fun.

The sick and twisted fucking bastards loved the sound of our labored breathing or the shaking in our body as we face yet another day of their ‘growth’ process. Ryan stood up against them once, but that only happened once. He was hospitalized for three weeks. There was a ‘car accident’ that left several broken bones, stitches, and his jaw needed to be wired shut for a while. When he did recover, he made us all promise to never speak up against them, to just take what we are given.

When I walked into the room, Miles stood there with a belt in hand. Helen stood behind him with a big smile on her face. This is what they lived for. After every fucking beating we could hear them having sex. It was like an aphrodisiac for them. Sick fucking bastards!

With Miles holding the belt, I knew it wasn’t going to be used to hit me with, but would definitely be part of the torture somehow. The curious question was how it would be. Standing on the X in the center of the room, I faced away from them as were the requirements of our ‘growth’ sessions.

“Put your hands above your head,” Helen practically sang.

The excitement was evident in her voice, the smile almost visible in her words. It was in the air, hung around me so dense like a fog of fear. Her excitement bounced off the cement and hammered into me with an almost physical blow. Fear wrapped around me and I gritted my teeth to keep from shaking as I felt them strap the belt around my wrists. My arms secured above my head, I felt the first sting across my back…

A week later and some of the cuts on my back from the switch are still raw and crack if I move too quickly. Today I was late getting home due to detention. I’m praying that Jayden, Kayden and Maree were okay. It was Friday, so Lacee and Ryan were working until very late. They were lucky that they got a break from this hell on earth.

This past week has been a nightmare. I’ve really had to work with Kayden to stop running off at the mouth. He has a bad habit of just saying whatever pops into his head. All he needed was to say it to Miles or Helen.

Shaking my head, I opened the front door and walked into the house. Instead of the eerie silence that is met at five o’clock at night, I hear screaming and crying. Hurrying toward the kitchen where I hear the cries, I find a cowering Kayden. Silent tears fell down his cheeks.

“Kayd, you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” he looked up at me, his eye swollen shut.

“Don’t. Go out on the porch and hide in our corner. Don’t come back in for anything do you hear me?” He nodded and ran from the room.

Standing, I stormed into the kitchen. My heart stopped. All thought of what I was doing left my head. All I thought was that my younger siblings were in trouble and I needed to save them. Screaming ‘Stop’ at the top of my lungs caused Miles and Helen to look up at me.

“Get your fucking hands off them!”

“Where have you been?” Miles hissed.

Squaring my shoulders, I stood tall. “I had detention. I’m here now. Leave them alone.”

Miles and Helen ceased their attacks on my younger siblings and they scurried over to me. Kneeling down, I checked to see how they were. Jayden was pretty messed up and Maree was bleeding badly.

“It’s going to be okay. Go to our spot, Kayden is there. Don’t come out for any reason, do you hear me?”

They knew the drill. Both of them hugged me tightly and ran from the house. Standing back up, I looked at them in just enough time to feel Miles’s fist connect with my jaw so hard that I fell back into the counter. There wasn’t time to slide down to the floor before Miles was grabbing me by the hair and Helen was hitting me with a rolling pin…

# # #

“Man, it was only a joke,” he choked out.

“Some fucking joke, you fucking prick! She hates me because of you!”

I felt Ryan’s hand on my shoulder. “You need to take a step back, River. Jayden is your brother.”

Dropping my hand from Jayden’s throat, I shoved Ryan. “I know exactly who he is. Maybe you should be giving him that speech Ry,” I hissed.

“What’s the big deal?” Kayden piped in.

Flopping down on one of the chairs, I dropped my head in my hands. “She’s not some random chick I brought here. I met her while I was in the hospital…”

“The hospital?” Ryan snapped.

“Yeah long story… Kim, she’s, well,” I took a deep breath. “She’s incredible. The first thing I noticed about her were her eyes. They were sad almost. Come to find out, she’s been on her own since she was eight years old.” Looking up at my brothers, I swallowed. “Her parents died right in front of her. She ran from her abusive adoptive parents. Kim did whatever she could to survive.” Looking directly at Jayden, “including using her body to get food or a warm place to sleep. So your comment made her feel that guilt all over again.”

“Dude…” he stopped and looked off behind me.

Turning around, I watched Kim approach. She’s not looking at me, or anyone for that matter. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her waist as she made her way up the stairs.

“Kim…” I started.

“Don’t,” she snapped, but still did not look up at me as she continued into the house.

Looking at my brothers, I hurried inside after her. When I entered the master bedroom, she was packing up her bags. My heart was breaking inside of my chest. The one that only truly started to beat with her around was slowly splintering into a million pieces because I know right now in this moment… she’s saying goodbye.

“Kim if you’ll…”

“I’ll stay here until tomorrow, but then I’m leaving. Please tell me how much I owe you for this trip.”

“You don’t owe me anything. Please talk to me,” I pleaded, cautiously moving toward her.

“There’s nothing left to say,” she walked back into the closet.

Desperate for her to see how I feel, I moved into the closet and closed the door behind me. Pinning her against the wall, I took her mouth with mine. In this kiss, I let how I was feeling about her flow through my lips and onto her. In all my life, I’ve never felt like this about a woman. Because of this, I wasn’t letting go so easy. Something had told me that she wouldn’t believe my words, even if I said them.

But as I kissed her, she punched my chest and shoulders. I could taste the salt from her tears and my heart broke even more. Breaking from the kiss, I rested my head against hers.

“Kim, I lo…”

She shoved me back, grabbed the last of her things and stormed out of the closet. Resting my head against the wall where she once stood, I let myself cry. I’ve never cried in my life. Not when Miles and Helen were beating me, not when they left me for dead on the kitchen floor to run off and have sex, and I didn’t shed one damn tear when they died. But for the first time in my life, I had something worth crying over… and I lost her.

Chapter Ten

Kim

Pretending I didn’t want to kiss him back was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not kissing him took everything out of me. My only option to save myself was to hit him and push him away. No matter what, I had to save myself.

But as I stood outside the closet door with my bag in my hand, I looked in at his shaking shoulders and his fist hitting the wall. It seemed harder and harder to keep this tough façade. How was I going to sleep here one more night without him next to me, without making love until we fell asleep?

Knowing I couldn’t, I grabbed everything of mine and walked out of the room. As I made my way out toward the front door, I could still hear those guys on the back deck. Quietly, I walked to the front door, grabbed the keys to the boat and headed out the door. Looking up at the sky as I tossed my bags into the boat, it was already starting to change colors.

Fear shook me at the thought of walking through the woods at night. Looking back at the cottage, the thought of staying so close to River and not be able to have him, I just couldn’t handle it.

River’s grandpa should have added a caution when telling him to live and feel every moment because it’s one he won’t get back. The caution should have been if you share it with the wrong person, it could leave you feeling destroyed beyond repair.

Looking back at the boat, I hurried and climbed in. I knew the minute I started this boat everyone would hear it. So once I had everything ready, I started the boat and headed back the way we had come. The problem I was having was, I didn’t know where I was going, or even where I was at. I slept through most of the journey here.

Taking my best guess, I went straight from the docks. When I looked back, I saw River standing on the dock, running his hands through his hair. He yelled something at me that sounded an awful like ‘Wait please,’ and ‘I love you, Kim’, but I dared not let my heart believe it. It had to be the wind playing tricks on me. No one cared about me. Putting my walls back in place, I pushed the thought that he felt the same out of my head and refused my heart the dream. Instead, I just stared at him for a moment longer before turning back to watch where I was going.

Where was I going?

Looking around, all I could see was water as far as the eye could see. What was I thinking? So desperate to leave that I didn’t think about where I was going. In my head, I kept my prayer on repeat that I found my way home safely.

It was almost dark when I arrived at another dock. As I slowed to pull up next to the doc, I considered staying on the boat and sleeping through the night, but didn’t want to risk it if River came after me.

After securing the boat to the dock, I looked around and saw three, six wheelers parked all around. If I knew for sure these were River’s I would have taken one, but I think they belonged to the men that showed up. So it looked like I’d be walking.

Looking at the woods, so much darker than when we first went through there. A shudder ran through my body. Swallowing hard, I took a deep breath and moved toward the woods.

It’s only trees. It’s only trees.

Repeating it over and over in my head only seemed to heighten that feeling of being watched. The sound of a twig snapping behind me had me jumping in the air, but somehow I managed to contain the scream.

“Who’s there?” My voice was quiet but strong.

There was another snap of a twig from the opposite direction. Spinning around, I start to walk backwards toward the boat again. My heart hummed rapidly in my chest. Taking a step back, I hear another noise that sounds an awful lot like growling. Wishing now I had stuck it out and let someone bring me home, I took another step back only to be drawn to an abrupt halt when I feel the heated breath of something behind me.

# # #

River

Pulling myself together, I walked out of the closet to the empty master bedroom. Though this house was shared by all my siblings, this was my house. It was as I was going on my first business trip after hiring my family to work alongside me when a realtor had mentioned to a client about the property. I contacted the realtor and the rest was, as they say, history.

My company was doing a lot better than I ever thought it would. When I hired on my brothers and sisters, it was already a multi-million dollar company. Together the six of us have built this company up to the multi-billion dollar company it has become today.

My siblings were the best. Even though I was the ‘middle’ child, I really raised my siblings. I grew up far before my years. It was mandatory. Ryan and Lacee were ready to be off on their own and they deserved it. It had never bothered me. They wanted a life and I understood it. My life was making sure I saved Jayden, Kayden and Maree from the life I grew up in. For the longest time there, I succeeded until I punched a kid in the face for talking bad about Maree. No one talked bad about my family.

Because Miles and Helen didn’t care about us, they didn’t clothe us properly either. Ryan and Lacee bought what they could, but it wasn’t always name brand or even new. We were grateful to just be clothed at all. Both Lacee and Ryan started working when they were fourteen to help us kids with needs. When Ryan was eighteen, I
made
him move out. It gave us a safe haven should we have ever needed it. Lacee was in between moving out and still living there when we finally escaped.

Even though they weren’t there full time, they always stopped by after work to make sure we had some food and clean clothes. From age ten to fifteen, it was just me taking the brunt of Miles and Helen.

Life was by no means a picnic, nor did I handle it well. Hell, the papers have recorded almost every act of dealing with my past there was. Funny how I figured I could fuck away my past. It never worked, but for a few moments. Nothing memorable. Nothing lasting. It was fuck and out the door. Then Kim came along. She came along when I was finally breaking. As much of a pussy as this may make me sound, she put me back together. She pieced together the parts of me that were broken by Miles and Helen and by each low moment in my life after.

Walking out into the hall, all the doors were still open. My heart began to race in my chest. I called her name, but there was no answer. Hurrying out to the living room, she wasn’t there either.

“Guys!” I yelled.

My brothers came into the house in a hurry. “What’s wrong?”

“Have you seen Kim?”

“No, not since she went into the house,” Ryan answered with a confused tone in his voice.

“Damn it! She left,” I roared.

Without looking around, I hurried out the front door. Just as I made it down the steps I heard the boat start up and my heart stopped in my chest. Running as fast as my leg would let me move, I hurried down to the dock, but I wasn’t fast enough. She was already pulling away.

“Wait! Please!” I yelled, but she kept driving away. “I love you, Kim!” I ran my hands through my hair, frustrated at how things have gone.

“Ver, what’s going on?” Ryan asked, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“Why’d you guys come out here!” I yelled. “Why?”

“Shane told us you were here. We thought we’d keep you company,” Kayden answered.

“We didn’t know you brought…” Jayden started.

“Say another derogatory name about her I swear on Numps’ grave, I’ll beat the fucking shit out of you,” I growled darkly.

Jayden took a step back and held up his hands in defense. “Whoa, man, what’s got into you?”

Pacing back and forth, I ran my hands through my hair and pulled at the ends. It wasn’t fair to be so pissed off at my brothers. If I’d been honest with Kim from the start, nothing Jayden had said would have upset her. It wasn’t an intentional lie, but more of an avoidance.

So many came after me because of what I made, like Felicia, it was refreshing to meet someone that didn’t know how much I was worth.  But the feelings for Kim were strong right off the bat and I wanted to explore it more closely, without my money in the mix. Now that was the very thing driving her away, rather than making her come closer.

“She wasn’t some girl you were trying to impress, was she?”

“No,” I shook my head sadly. “I love her,” I whispered, even though I’m sure that they heard me screaming at her as she drove away.

Everyone was silent. The silence from the talking only allowed me to hear the faint sounds of my love driving away from me.

“River, why don’t you come inside and explain this all to us, while Jayd goes to talk to Kim and apologize for his behavior,” Ryan said sternly to Jayden.

Jayden hung his head, “Yes, Sir.”

Jayden may be twenty now, but he still has a lot of growing up to do. He’s still working through the shit that Miles and Helen put us through after we left, and especially when our names really started getting out there. When they died three months ago, Jayden took it hard. Not because he cared for them, but because of the shit they pulled before they died. We dared not leave him alone that first month because of it, but he’s getting better… we hope.

“I really want to be the one going after her,” I stated firmly.

“River, I know this is your girl, but I think that Jayden needs to make amends for his actions. He needs to face her, suffer whatever consequences she deems fit for him.”

I started laughing. “She grew up on the streets.” My laughter came harder now. “I hope she beats the shit out of you.”

Jayden’s face paled and you could almost see him visibly shake. It was that moment that sobered all of us up. That night when I was fifteen and got home late, Jayden had suffered three broken ribs, a fractured skull and shoulder, not counting all the cuts and bruises. Nothing compared to what I suffered that night – I would have died had Kayden not called Ryan – but he was messed up. Since then, any threat of abuse has sent him into a panic.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. She’s probably not going to even acknowledge you,” I correct quickly.

He nodded his head and looked back off in the direction that Kim had traveled. “Yeah, sure she won’t,” he mumbled.

After a small pep talk from his twin, Jayden headed off to the boat that the guys had come on here. Kayden and Ryan both dragged me into the cabin. After them blocking my exits, they forced me to talk to them, to tell them everything. So, I did.

“I want to know why you were in the hospital.”

Shaking my head at Ryan, I rolled my eyes. “I was hiking to clear my head. But my head was too jumbled and I wasn’t paying attention, slipped and fell, the rest is history,” I shrugged.

We continued to talk about what went on with Kim and I. Honestly, I never thought I’d be here, right now. I thought one of my sisters or Kayden, but not me. Yet here I am and I worried that I’d never be able to make it up to her.

God, please let me win her back…