Fierce (28 page)

I
DECIDED
the only way I was going to make friends was to go out – every night. I’d call Sammy and Fleur and get them to come to different pubs and clubs with me. I didn’t know where the cool places were to hang out, I used to just find out where the indie nights were at different bars and go along.

On one of those nights out I met this really cool girl called Margo. I invited her over to my house one Sunday afternoon to hang out. She came over and brought a guy called Sharif with her.

I’d got bored waiting for them and so, to keep myself entertained, I’d put on my favourite yellow raincoat and put the hood up. I was lying on the floor listening to music when the doorbell went and I called to them to walk in.

Sharif said seeing me lying on my back in the middle of my lounge singing some cheesy pop song was one of the funniest things he’d ever seen. We became the best of friends straight away. I call him the boy that never went home because, since that day, we’ve lived together. He moved into my spare room that week. Sharif became my first-ever flatmate. That in itself was something I had never experienced.

Sharif is a year older than me and works as a design consultant for big stores wanting to rebrand. He is the funniest and most fun person I’ve ever hung out with. There is not one person in this fucking world who understands me more than Sharif. We do everything together. He became my house husband. When I’m sad he cheers me up. He has got
this amazing way of, when I’m freaking out about something – which happens a lot – making me look at all the angles so that I don’t panic.

Life is never boring when he is around. We can be sitting in the house on an evening watching TV and Sharif will suddenly say, ‘Let’s fucking dress up!’ He’ll be running around the house pulling clothes from all the cupboards. One night he dressed up as Naomi Campbell and then there was Posh Spice – he does the best fucking impressions. Whenever he goes out, I’ll sit for ages cutting out pictures from magazines of people who we think are really funny like the
Big Brother
winners. Or I’ll cut out pictures of girls who purposely don’t wear knickers when they’re out so they get their fanny papped.

Then, when Sharif gets home and goes for a piss, he’ll lift up the toilet seat and I’ll have stuck a whole bunch of pictures on the inside of the lid. There was also the time I found a life-size poster of Naomi Campbell and laid it in bed next to him. When he woke up he jumped out of his skin!

Sharif and I were in Vegas and two of our friends suddenly decided to get married. We went to this celebratory dinner first and I looked around and saw that Sharif was crying at the table. I said, ‘Sharif, why are you crying?’

He was being all dramatic saying, ‘Because I know I’m going to die alone.’

I said, ‘No, no you won’t, I’ll be there.’

Sharif said, ‘I know … that’s why I’m crying!’

It was the funniest thing I’d ever heard! I thought I would piss myself laughing.

Sharif and I went out all the time when he first moved into my house. We’d hang out in Camden and go to The Hawley Arms. Amy Winehouse would be in there and it was always fun seeing her. I’d already met Amy a couple of years earlier at the Brit Awards. I had really massive tits at the time. Like, they were a cup size E or something. When I gain weight it goes everywhere, but particularly on my tits. It was the beginning of the night and I was wearing a red Marc Jacobs dress. Amy just came up to me and said, ‘All right, Kel. You’ve got great tits.’

I’d never met her before. I didn’t really know who she was because I was still living in LA at the time. But I instantly loved her and we became friends.

I was supposed to be presenting an award that night and I was meant to be sitting at another table but my mum was worried about me or something and swapped me with Aimee. So I got bumped off to another table miles away from the stage, so I got really pissed to piss her off.

Meeting Amy was fun. It sounds like I’m protecting her, but I’m not. The Amy that I know – the Amy that I’m so privileged and lucky to know – is not the Amy in the media and who people talk about. I truly believe that the only reason she does drugs is because it’s the only thing she has control of in her life.

I love her music – but that’s not why I love Amy. She gives the best advice. All talented people have troubles because they can’t come to terms with it. I’ve often thought that about my dad. He’s so fucking talented – maybe that’s why he’s had a problem with drugs.

The great thing about moving to my new house was that I instantly felt part of a little community. People don’t think that London has a community feel, but I disagree. It really does. Kate Moss didn’t live far away and Davinia Taylor and Sadie Frost were just around the corner. I’d met Kate for the first time at Elton John’s White Tie and Tiara Ball when I was seventeen. I was on Elton’s table with Mum, Dad, David Furnish and the artist Sam Taylor-Wood.

I was sitting next to Kate and I instantly thought she was great. I call Kate a ‘tornado of fun’. She comes into a room and she brightens it up and that’s just the way she is. People can say, ‘Oh she is too old to do what she does and be a mum.’ But Kate is a fantastic mum. She has really good morals when it comes to her friends. She doesn’t tolerate meanness. If she feels someone is not being treated properly or is being bullied, she will always, always stick up for them.

Going out can be a bit of a nightmare when you’re with a whole bunch of people who are in the public eye. You don’t want people staring or taking pictures. It makes everyone feel really uncomfortable. All I ever want to do is have a couple of drinks and a laugh. When we’re all in London – me, Sharif, Kate, Davinia, the hairdresser James Brown, ‘Jimmy B’ and Fran Cutler – we call a meeting of ‘Club Kitchen’. That’s when we go to one of our houses, play music and have a few drinks – all in the kitchen. We always have a wicked night and no one gets hassled. I love those nights because I can make a real fool of myself and not worry about being judged.

I learned pretty quickly some valuable lessons about who my real friends were when I moved to London. I was quite shocked by how
people treated me just because they thought I had money. I do consider myself very lucky. I am not broke and of course I am over-privileged. In that respect, I have a great life. But some people have really taken advantage of that and it has been a problem for me. People seem to think they can take what’s mine because they feel I haven’t had to work for it.

So-called friends have actually come into my home and stolen things, just because they thought they could. Just little things like pictures or whatever! Why the fuck would you do that? They’ve also asked me to lend them money. They’d say, ‘Can you lend me five hundred pounds to pay the rent?’ I have lent shit-loads to so-called friends. So much, I have no idea. In the beginning I lent the money because I couldn’t bear the thought of people going around saying, ‘Kelly Osbourne is a tight bitch.’ Maybe I felt embarrassed about having money. Fuck knows.

But not everyone paid it back. And then I didn’t hear from them again. For a while I carried on and thought, ‘OK, just take the money and I will leave you to be the moral person. If not, I won’t speak to you again.’ But then I stopped doing it. Of course, I know who my close friends are now and I would always help them. But in those early days I had to learn very quickly. Yeah, it pissed me off. Yeah, it upset me at times. But fuck, yeah, it made me realise you can’t be seen to help everyone. It’s just not going to happen, I can tell you.

People tend to gravitate towards me when they need help and are in the shit. I don’t know why. I actually think people have the same image of me as they do my mum. People always see her as being the
person in control who can sort out everyone’s problems. They’re right about Mum. But I think the image they have of me is completely wrong. Maybe it’s because I have an old head on young shoulders and speak my mind.

I
T
was my twenty-first birthday a couple of months after I’d moved to London. I was enjoying my new little life and I really wasn’t bothered about doing anything to celebrate. But Mum and Claire, who works in Mum’s office in the UK, said I should do something. Claire is the person I go to for advice in the UK. She’s like an older sister. In America I used to chat to Melinda. I always go to Claire and Melinda when I know I can’t go to Mum. Sometimes Mum’s just too close to the situation. She’s all, ‘Oh, my poor baby. Oh, I’m hurting …’

Whereas Claire will always give me impartial advice. She will say, ‘OK, you did fuck up. But this is what we can do to sort it out.’

Sometimes, when she’s mad with other people, I take the piss and say, ‘Don’t go all Essex, Claire.’ She’s very straight-talking and doesn’t mess about. Claire works with Lynn in mum’s office in North London and looks after our family’s UK affairs. They are amazing. I’m so grateful for everything they do.

I have never known Lynn not to be working with my family. She met Mum just after she’d had Aimee. Lynn taught me how to type when I was about five – well, she said I was typing. I would go into the office and she would sit me on her knee and let me bash the keyboard.
Then she would print out the pieces of paper and try and find random words I’d typed.

Mum and Dad have people in their lives – friends and colleagues – that have been with them since they first met. I think it says a lot about them that people still want to work with them after so many years. My parents have always taught me about how it’s important to treat those closest to you with respect. It’s thanks to them that I have Lynn and Claire in London and they really do look after me.

Claire suggested I should have my twenty-first birthday at the restaurant Sketch, which is just off Regent Street in central London. It’s quite fancy, but she hired a private room and filled it with all my favourite things, like my closest friends and favourite food. She organised it all and it was the best birthday party I’ve ever had – still is. It was small – she only invited thirty people. But there were my thirty closest friends and family in the entire world and it was such fun. Mum, Dad and Jack were there. Claire and Lynn came with Sammy and Fleur and a whole bunch of other friends. My cousin Gina and gay cousin Terry were there. I arrived with Sharif. We had a massive long table in the middle of the room. Because my birthday is at the end of October everything is sort of getting a bit Christmassy and inside there were twinkling lights. We all ate sausage and mash, which I was really into at the time. Mum hired a magician, just like she always used to when I had parties when I was little. She’d also organised a karaoke machine and at the end everyone just went for it. Someone videotaped it and when I watch it now it reminds me of what a great night it was. It was totally unexpected, but I had a great time.

My twenty-first birthday was a real turning point for me. I felt I could confidently say to my family that I needed to go away and live on my own for a while. But it wasn’t all fun, fun, fun.

If you need help, ask for it. Don’t be afraid of looking silly. Once I got drunk and I woke up at my friend’s house and I wanted to go home really badly but I didn’t want to wake anyone up. I didn’t want to get up and go out drinking again and planned to sneak out so I didn’t look like a party pooper. I called up my friend and I whispered, ‘I need to get a taxi, what’s the name of that taxi company, Addison Lee?’ She said: ‘Kelly, it’s Addison Lee.’

I argue like crazy with my mum – who doesn’t? But she’s also the person I am the closest to. When I first moved to London, even though she felt like I’d abandoned her, I felt like she’d abandoned me because she didn’t move to London with me. But why would she? I had left -and I’d left to find some freedom.

I missed my family terribly when I was in London, but as I created my own little life, the horrible homesickness pain didn’t feel so bad. The one thing I’ve never stopped missing though is climbing into bed with Mum and getting a hug, especially when I’ve not been feeling well. She always makes me feel so much better.

Sometimes Mum drives me crazy. She gets her friends in the UK to keep an eye on me and tell her what I’m up to. I know she’s looking out for me. I know her worries come from a good place, but sometimes I find it so suffocating. I think she just needs to let me get on with my life. I think it’s something you can only relate to if you’re a parent.

The great thing about that first year in London was that I got to spend time with Mum when she came back to do the second series of
The X Factor
. We had all been so excited when Simon Cowell approached Mum to do the ITV show the previous year but at first we had all been pissed off with him. After my father’s quad bike accident he had said it was a publicity stunt to sell copies of our single, ‘Changes’. But he had made his peace with Mum when he appeared on her chatshow in America a few months later. He’d not realised just how serious Dad’s accident had been at the time. Now he wanted Mum to be a judge on the show with him and the music manager, Louis Walsh.