Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (10 page)

“Never had vibrator parties with your girlfriends, where you practiced French kissing and deep throating cucumbers?”

Alice shook her head.

“You missed out,” the Queen said. “But we’re catching up now. This switch controls the speed. Just move it in whatever direction you fancy.”

Alice took the Sqweel and followed the Queen’s instructions. She tried sideways. She tried sideways in the opposite direction. She varied the pressure. She switched it to its top speed, and felt the familiar pressure building in her loins. Requiring no further direction, she gyrated and panted and cooed and pinched her nipples harder than she ever had before.

“Amazing,” Haigha said. “You are so sexy when you’re aroused, Alice.”

“Imagine all the men who will be watching this,” Hatta added. “They’ll all be stroking themselves, wishing they could be licking you in place of the Sqweel.”

Yes, she could feel their eyes. She could feel their tongues.

How many people will watch this movie and get off?
Alice thought. She moved the Sqweel as Hatta zoomed in close enough to lick her himself.

“Arch your back, Alice. Stick out those incredible breasts.”

“You’re so beautiful. Come for the camera, Alice.”

Haigha got so close to Alice that his lens was almost touching her cheek. Alice tried to imagine what she looked like, to picture who would be watching this movie later, and that added to her mounting pleasure. Then the Queen was at Alice’s breasts, and Alice panicked for a moment, thinking it was the needle.

But it wasn’t. The Queen held two small, purple objects.

“Nipple clamps,” she said. “The weights have vibrators in them.”

First the Queen attached one to the right nipple, then to the left. The pressure was just on the cusp of being painful, but instead it made her very aware of her nipples, and even more aware of the camera. Then the Queen squeezed the clamps and the vibrators roared to life, sending an electric burst of stimulation coursing through Alice’s body.

“Oh my. Oh my, oh my, OH!”

Sqweel lapping between her legs, nipples buzzing, Hatta and Haigha caressing her body with their cameras like voyeuristic lovers, Alice could no longer hold it in.

The orgasm crashed through Alice before she was prepared for it, her lower body lifting up off the chair, her hips bucking against the Sqweel and its relentless, delicious tongue-lashing. A moment later, Alice was penetrated by something long and thick, and it pumped in and out of her with the Queen holding its base. Alice rode out the orgasm, then reluctantly pulled away the Sqweel to see what was being done to her.

The Queen was plunging a flesh-colored dildo into her, over and over, and it felt very good indeed. But Alice was confused, because it seemed to be attached to something that looked like a large ray gun.

“It’s a Drilldo,” the Queen said. “Watch.”

The Queen held the device inside Alice, and then there was a loud
WHIR
followed by them most curious sensation.

The dildo was spinning!

Indeed, the Drilldo was a common dildo attached by some means to a cordless drill. It rotated within her, like Alice was being drilled, but with a much more nerve-tingling result. If Alice had thought her orgasm was peaking, the Drilldo had other ideas. Starting slow, no more than a full turn per second, Alice felt the dildo’s fat head churn against her G-spot, teasing it over and over. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced, and though her juices were flowing aplenty, the Queen had apparently slicked it down with more lube because the action was delightfully smooth.

Then it began to pick up speed.

Alice reached her hands out, fingers spread, her eyelids fluttering. She had always wondered what it would feel like to spin upon a man’s stiff member, and the sensation didn’t disappoint. Just as she began to hit another crescendo, her nub began to buzz once again. But this was more intense than a vibration.

“An Eroscillator,” the Queen said over the noise. She was holding something that looked like a gold electric toothbrush against Alice’s clit. “The tip oscillates 3600 times a second. How does it feel?”

Alice answered with an “Uhh.” She noticed Hatta between her legs, working the Drilldo, to which he’d attached his camera. What a curious angle; one Alice wished to view.

As if reading Alice’s mind, the widescreen TV on the opposite wall turned on, with a live feed of the proceedings. Half the screen was Haigha, panning between Alice’s vibrating nipples and her ecstatic expressions, the other half was a super-close view of Alice’s special place, the Drilldo and Eroscillator doing their work.

This was a much bigger turn-on than the looking glass in her apartment, and Alice’s squeals reverberated back at her in stereo sound.

“Come again Alice,” said Haigha, his camera in her face. And another image crossed the screen; his lovely erection, right next to her breasts, twitching and jerking and begging to be touched. She reached for it, grabbing his glans, and the feeling of his stiffness in her hand overloaded her senses.

Between the whirling Drilldo and the intense Eroscillator and the vibrating nipple clamps and the images on the TV and Hatta between her legs with a camera and Haigha’s hard curve in her hand, Alice lost complete control. She screamed. She shook. She thrashed. Her body had become a slave to orgasm, and Alice felt as if she were melting and floating at the same time.

When the White Queen removed the nipple clamps and replaced them with surgical clamps from her nearby autoclave, Alice watched with curious detachment. The first needle pierced her right nipple with a little more than a sting, and not an unpleasant one at that. When the second needle entered her, Alice cried out again, not in pain, but in pleasure, and she watched a close up on the TV as the Queen inserted a gold ring.

The Eroscillator was removed, but the Drilldo was still doing its thing, and Alice pulled Haigha closer, aching to have him in her mouth. Her tongue shot out, licking a drop of moisture leaking from his tip, and from the corner of her eye she saw the Queen’s gloved hands holding a cotton swab between her legs, easing it between the top of her clit and the thin skin that covered it.

“Perfect,” the Queen said. “You’re a perfect candidate. “

“I’ll say,” said Hatta.

“Just a quick sting, dear.”

Alice watched, transfixed, as the Drilldo churned inside her and the White Queen used a sealed needle to put a tiny, golden barbell through her clitoral hood. There was only the quickest of pinches, and then the Drilldo was out and all three spectators were standing away from Alice, gazing at her admiringly and touching themselves vigorously.

“My, that was erotic,” said Hatta.

“I’d film you anytime,” said Haigha.

“You did a great job, my dear,” said the White Queen.

“That was it?” Alice said, still panting. “It doesn’t hurt at all.”

The Queen nodded. “Normally, a hood piercing takes about a week to heal, and a nipple piercing about two months. But in Looking Glass Land, all healing is instantaneous.”

“That’s amazing,” Alice said.

“We also have the best bouillabaisse here,” said Hatta, smiling. “That might not be as dramatic as instant healing, but try to find a bowl worth eating anywhere outside of Marseilles.”

“Also,” said Haigha, “In Looking Glass Land,
Seinfeld
was never cancelled. Season twenty-three was hilarious. Kramer becomes President.”

“That Kramer,” Hatta said, slapping his thigh.

Alice swung her feet over the side of the chair, light-headed and still tingling all over.

“I must say, that was much better than I’d anticipated.” She stared down, looking at the lovely rings in her breasts.

“Give them a pull,” the White Queen said, proudly.

Alice gave each a tentative tug, and it felt like a lover nibbling on them, multiplied threefold.

“Goodness,” she said. “That is a lovely sensation.”

“Now stand up and take a few steps.”

Alice did, and the bar in her hood rubbed gently against her clitoris, making her shiver.

“Why, I can’t wear this!” Alice protested. “I’ll never be able to get anything done! How am I supposed to live my day-to-day life if I have an orgasm ever few steps I take?”

“I’d call that living very well,” said Hatta.

“It would sure make jogging more fun,” said Haigha.

“I’d like to film Alice jogging,” said Hatta. “Naked.”

“Alice naked?” asked Haigha.

“Both of us naked,” said Hatta. “You, too.”

“That would be hot,” agreed Haigha.

The White Queen patted Alice’s shoulder. “You’re still aroused, dear. When that wears off, you won’t even feel the piercings, unless they are directly stimulated.”

“Oh.” So she could have the sensation just when she wanted? This was getting better and better. “How did the movie turn out?” Alice asked.

“Spectacular,” said Hatta.

“Arousing,” said Haigha.

“Beautiful,” said Hatta.

“Exciting,” said Haigha.

“It will make you a superstar, Alice. You are easily the sexiest woman who has ever starred in an adult film.”

Beaming with pride, Alice dressed quickly, and as her arousal level dipped, so did the stimulation her piercings provided.

“I can’t thank all of you enough,” Alice said.

“Why not?” asked Hatta. “Have you run out of thank yous?”

Back to the nonsense,
Alice thought. She so preferred the constant climaxes to the silly wordplay.

“Where are you off to next, Alice?” the Queen asked.

“Well, I’m still trying to open my mind,” Alice said. “Where do you recommend I go?”

“This is Looking Glass Land, Alice. Just follow a path through the woods. It will take you somewhere interesting.”

“Just avoid the ones that dead end at stinging nettles,” said Hatta.

“But how do I know which ones dead end at stinging nettles?”

“I just told you. Those are the ones that have stinging nettles at the dead end.”

Alice kept her tongue firmly in cheek, bid goodbye to the trio, and went off in search of more mind-opening experiences.

Still buzzing from the experience at the toy shop (and feeling her new piercings rub against her most sensitive parts with each step), Alice followed yet another path through a clearing and came to thirty yards of board fence, nine feet high, that a boy named Tom Sawyer was whitewashing—

Wait… oops. Wrong nineteenth century classic.

Still buzzing from the experience at the toy shop, Alice followed yet another path through a clearing and came to a high wall, which Humpty Dumpty sat upon.

Alice knew it was Humpty Dumpty because she was familiar with the nursery rhyme, and because this man was egg-shaped and perched precariously on a wall, but most of all because he waved at Alice and said, “Yo, baby. I’m Humpty Dumpty.”

As Alice approached, she noticed something odd. Well, odder than an egg man from a nursery rhyme sitting on a wall. This particular egg man, although sporting a light beard and a deep, baritone voice, was wearing women’s undergarments. Chiefly a bra, panties, and nylon stockings, which made his stubby legs look like sausages ready to burst from their casings.

“Why, you’re dressed like a woman!” Alice declared.

“So are you.”

“But I
am
a woman. My name is Alice. You’re a man.”

“What gave it away?” Humpty Dumpty asked. “Was it my masculine bulge, threatening to burst through this Frederick’s of Hollywood g-string?”

“It
is
rather obvious.”

“Don’t you think I’m sexy?” he asked, gyrating suggestively and pursing his lips which, shockingly, were painted bright red.

Alice couldn’t imagine anything less sexy, but she’d already been down that road with the Tweedles and had learned her lesson, so she changed the subject.

“Aren’t you worried you’ll fall from there?” Alice asked.

“Why?”

“Because of the poem, of course.” Much as she loathed poetry, Alice began to recite. “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a big fall—”

“No, you’re getting it wrong. It’s Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a big
ball
. Which I do. Two of them in fact. My testicles are bigger than peaches. I’m sure you can see them from there.”

Alice could. And they were, indeed, bigger than peaches.

“They’re also full of peach juice,” Humpty Dumpty said, his voice tinged with pride.

“They aren’t.”

“They are. If you’d like, you can have a sip from my straw.” Humpty grabbed himself through the panties.

Alice was confused. Not about the peach juice—she knew that was nonsense. But that this man in ladies’ underwear was apparently coming on to her. “You want me to… to put your member in my mouth?”

“I can think of worse ways to spend the next thirty seconds.”

“Do you,” Alice searched her mind to remember the term, “
swing
both ways?”

“Naw. I mean, I have no problem with those who do, but I’m strictly a ladies’ man myself.”

Alice was perplexed.

“You look perplexed,” Humpty said.

“You’re wearing feminine underthings,” Alice stated. “Aren’t you gay?”

“Don’t you know the rest of the rhyme?” Humpty cleared his throat, spat, then began to recite:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a big ball,

All the King’s wenches and all the King’s chicks,

Lent him their panties and then sucked his dick.

“If you like women,” Alice said, “why do you dress like one?”

Humpty shrugged. “It gets me off.”

“Why?”

“Can’t really explain why. Are you gonna come up here and start sucking, or what?”

“But it doesn’t make any sense.”

Humpty laughed. “If you really expect human sexuality to make sense, you’re more naive than you look, Alice.”

Alice didn’t like being called naive. In fact, she was working hard to be more knowledgeable.

“So you’re a,” Alice searched for the term. “Transsexual?”

“No. I’m a man trapped inside the body of a man. Got a buddy named Earl, she’s a transsexual. Sweetest broad you’d ever meet. And plus size, like me. She just let me borrow this gorgeous Christian Dior pencil skirt, and I’m thinking about moving away and not leaving a forwarding address so I don’t have to give it back. I wish I had his taste. And his hips.”