Fighting Redemption (14 page)

Ryan couldn’t breathe, his head spinning from the lack of air.

“No.” Ryan shook his head. “He’s not gone. He can’t be.”

Jake was infallible. He was the strongest, the fastest, the best of all of them. Jake was his
brother
.

Leaning over, he buried his head in Jake’s stomach, images spinning through him as sobs ripped him wide open.

Jake glancing sideways at him.
“What grade are you in?”

“Five. You?”

“Same,”
he replied, grinning.

Jake looking at him from across the table.
“Ghost Recon rematch?”

Jake standing beside him.
“Don’t let this shit beat you, Kendall. Dig deep and show these cunts how it’s done.”

“Ryan’s lazy,”
Jake told Fin, his eyes glinting with laughter.
“He falls asleep during all our training exercises.”

Jake’s voice cutting through the silence.
“How long have you been in love with my sister?”

Jake’s eyes as Ryan looked at him from over his shoulder.
“I love the two of you. I just want you both happy. You know what I’m saying, don’t you?”

“Christ. Where’s our goddamn backup?” Kyle screamed, his voice cutting through Ryan’s wild daze.

“Air support two minutes,” Monty yelled back as he stood, raising his rifle. Ryan’s eyes fell on the blood coating Monty’s fingers and his stomach lurched. “Start a retreat.”

Kyle jerked as a bullet caught him in his hip and he fell to his knees. “Fuck,” he growled.

Galloway rushed over, helping Kyle to his feet, and Ryan turned back to Jake. Hardening his heart, he took a deep breath and hefted Jake’s body up and onto his shoulder. Steadying himself, he started behind Monty through heavy cover fire as they headed for a safe pick up zone.

“Sonofabitch,” Ryan rasped when relief came moments later in the form of two FA18 jet fighters screaming overhead. “You fucking bastards are five minutes too late.”

Ryan turned as they unloaded their bombs, explosions lighting up the dawn and tearing through the thick brush.

“Ryan!” Monty yelled.

Turning back, he picked up his pace as the bombs wiped out the entire nest in a matter of moments.

Soon after a Black Hawk helicopter thundered above them, and when his stomach lurched as they lifted off, there was no laughter or jokes, just the loud beat of the rotors carrying them back to base.

With Jake lying beside him, Ryan held tight to his cold hand. He let silent tears roll down his cheeks as everything inside him systematically shut down, leaving nothing but black.

Three months later…

Fremantle, Western Australia

As dusk settled in a riot of pink and orange, Ryan pulled the black, vintage mustang he’d collected from storage into the driveway. As the car idled powerfully, his eyes, raw and aching, fell on the cottage. In the time he’d been gone, the pretty little cottage remained the same, which felt wrong because everything had changed. Jake was gone. Despite knowing the danger of their job, Ryan had always felt if either of them was to die, it would be him. It
should’ve
been him. For three months the guilt had eaten him alive from the inside out.

Ryan had barely been holding himself together, and facing Fin? He hadn’t been sure he could, but three months of avoiding her like a goddamn coward was enough. If he had to look her in the eye and see the heavy weight of accusation, then he should be man enough to take it.

Pulling his key from the ignition, he opened the door wide and climbed out. Cars drove down the pretty, tree lined street behind him. People were going about their lives—somehow not knowing that someone so remarkable, and so utterly selfless, didn’t walk the earth anymore. How could they not see?

Forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other, he walked up the front path to her door. Before he could change his mind, he knocked sharply, and after a pause, turned to stare blindly at the street, an envelope clenched in his fist as he waited.

“Take this, Kendall.”

Frowning, Ryan grabbed at the envelope from Jake before it dropped to the floor.
“What is it?”

“It’s for Fin. You know, in case …”
his voice trailed off.
“Anyway, we better get to this briefing.”

“Tanner, wait!” R
yan called out with Jake halfway out the door. Jake paused and Ryan scrambled around in the drawer beside his bunk. He pulled out his own envelope and held it out. Jake looked at it, then at him, and Ryan hated the thought of what it would mean for Jake to be giving that to Fin.
“Me too, okay?”

They had a service on base in Afghanistan for Jake. The soldiers formed an honour guard to say farewell, saluting him as he was marched to the aircraft and flown home.

With their deployment ending just a week later, his troop returned in time to attend the service held at home. Ryan had carried Jake’s envelope inside the jacket of his military uniform at Jake’s funeral, but he couldn’t force himself to go to Fin.

Mike and himself, along with Kyle, Monty, Galloway, and Tex, had formed the guard of honour that carried Jake’s coffin to the chapel. His jaw clenched the entire way, fighting back tears.

They’d buried Jake with full military honours at Karrakatta cemetery. The service had included the Prime Minister, the Minister for Defence, the Defence Force Chief, the Chief of Army, and hundreds of soldiers, family, and friends. Jake had been loved, revered, and buried as an Australian hero.

Ryan had stood there, in a sea of army green, holding his breath as he watched Fin. She’d been beautiful in a simple black shift dress, her blonde hair tousled and loose as she climbed the chapel stairs. Walking slowly to the front lectern, she stood in front of a thousand people and spoke. His chest ached as her words had people laughing, tears falling, and hearts breaking. Then she finished with the lines that had made him so fucking proud of her.

“Jake was a brother and a son, a grandson, a cousin, and now an Australian hero. I know a lot of people don’t understand war and what it means to be a soldier. Jake told me it’s not easily explained, but I know that despite him being gone, his sacrifice was made for those out there that are unable to fight for themselves, and for peace. I ask you today to spare a few minutes to feel the peace we enjoy in this place we call ‘the lucky country’ and know that it’s people like Jake, who give of themselves, that enable us to do so. I have a few small words Jake asked me to read in the event he didn’t make it home.

‘To my country, I hope I have done you proud. To my fellow soldiers, I hope I have honoured you in my actions. To my father and mother, thank you for showing me love …”
Fin paused and looked up, her green eyes searching until they landed on Ryan. “
To my brother Ryan, thank you for sharing your life with me, and to my sister Fin…’

She faltered at that point and fighting tears, Ryan felt his heart crack wide open. Fuck it, he’d wanted to walk up there, grab hold of her, and never let go. Instead, Mike reached her side and took the bit of paper to finish reading it for her.

‘To my sister Fin, who’s busy saving the earth one whale at time, don’t forget to smile, because when you do it’s like seeing the sun.’

Letting out a shaky breath, Ryan turned and rapped hard on the front door again. Hearing music coming from inside, he frowned. Tucking the envelope into his back pocket, he unlatched the side gate and walked down the side of the house to the backyard.

Then he saw her. She was lying on a deck chair in a loose white dress with thin straps, her silky hair trailing over her shoulder. He ran his eyes over her, and tears burned behind his sunglasses. She’d lost weight. Her hipbones were prominent and her face thinner. One bony arm hung listlessly over the side of her chair, the other held a glass of wine she swirled casually in her hand.

Ryan swept his eyes down her legs, his body still aching from wanting her. He swallowed hard and clenched his hands, realising he must have made a sound because she turned her head towards him. He honestly thought he couldn’t hurt anymore than he already did until he looked in her eyes. The green and gold depths, usually so passionate and alive, were empty, and he wasn’t sure what world she was in at that moment, but it wasn’t this one.

“Oh, Fin,” he whispered thickly.

Fin watched the man walk towards her through a fog. Her vision cleared slowly, bringing Ryan into focus. Her heart, so dead inside her, gave a strong thump, as though trying to wake up.

He strode towards her wearing a deep blue shirt stretched tight across his wide chest and a pair of soft, dark jeans. Mirrored aviators covered his beautiful, dark eyes, and his hair—longer now—was casually windblown. His powerful presence reminded her so much of Jake that her stomach lurched.

Fin set her wine down and swung her legs over the chair as he reached her side.

He sank down in the chair opposite, his jaw tight. The pain etched in his face had her holding out her hand. He looked down at it, and her skin tingled with warmth when he wrapped it in his large palm.

She forced a smile. “Ryan.”

With his free hand, he pulled off his shades and tossed them aside carelessly.

Her breath caught at the haunted look in his eyes when they met hers.

“Fin,” he breathed, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he looked at her. “I’m so sorry.”

She reached out and cupped his face with her hands. “A man once told me that guilt was the one thing he wouldn’t let me live with, yet I can see it on your face. Don’t take this on yourself.”

Ryan closed his eyes, a tear spilling over and rolling down his cheek. He turned his head, brushing a kiss against her palm.

“I miss him, Ryan,” she admitted with a whisper, her hands falling away. He opened his eyes. “So much. Why does God always take the good ones? How do I keep going without him? When I wake up in the morning, everything’s okay for a brief moment until I remember, and then I can’t breathe knowing he’s not out there walking the same earth, seeing the same stars.”

“Fin. Look at me,” Ryan said firmly.

She lifted her eyes.

“Just one day at a time, okay?”

Reaching behind him, Ryan pulled out an envelope, turning it carefully in his hands. Her name was written on the front, and her heart thundered in her chest when she recognised the handwriting.

He held it towards her. “Jake … wanted you to have this.”

Swallowing, she reached out and took it. “Thank you.”

He stood abruptly. “I have to get going.”

“I … you can’t stay?”

“No.” He stared blindly out into the yard. “I can’t stay, Fin,” he whispered.

“Wait!” She scrambled out of her chair and snagged his wrist as he turned to leave. “I have something for you too.”

Fin ran inside the house, returning moments later with another envelope. “You have one too.”

“Thank you.” His voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat as he reached out and took it. He indicated towards the front of the house. “I need to go.”

She nodded and he turned, his long-legged stride taking him quickly from view, leaving her emptiness to return.

Sitting down, she swallowed the last of her wine and fingered the edges of the envelope, opening it carefully and unfolding the single sheet of paper.

Fin,

If you’re reading this letter, then I’m sorry for leaving you behind. I’ve not really gone anyway. I’m wedged inside your heart where you can keep me alive, okay?

I hope it’s a comfort to you that I haven’t regretted a single moment of my life, and that my reasons for leaving are so that others can live a life of freedom.

Fin, you’re smart and brave, so know that I’m leaving Ryan in your hands. He needs you. He’s proud and strong, but it’s always the strongest that fall the hardest.

Always smile when you think of me, and please, don’t be scared to love. It’s what makes life what it is.