Fighting Redemption (20 page)

Ryan looked up where she sat straddled above him. His body held a light sheen of sweat as he took several deep breaths to recover. “Now that you’ve managed to wear me out, can we go inside now?” he said, his voice slightly breathless.

Fin’s eyes went wide. “Oh crap.”

His brows flew up. “What?”

“I don’t know what I did with the key!” she wailed.

Ryan’s shout of laughter echoed loudly around the yard in the quiet, early hours of the morning.

The late morning sun swirled lazily through the window when Fin rolled over and blinked her eyes open. Ryan was beside her, lying on his stomach with his face pressed into the pillow. He looked so beautiful, but even in sleep he appeared exhausted.

“I’ll love you longer than the stars that live in the sky.”

The words had broken her heart and somehow put it back together again all at the same time. Ryan loved her. He was here. With
her.
That was all she needed. A smile started to creep over her face until the painful reminder that Jake was gone slammed into her. It happened every morning, yet this time when her eyes burned, she reached for Ryan instead. She trailed her fingers lightly over his scarred, tanned back.

His reaction was instant. With eyes wild and intense, Ryan rolled over and grabbed hold of her throat, his fingers squeezing with aggressive strength.

“Ryan,” she wheezed, clawing at his hand.

He blinked.

“Hurts,” she choked out.

His eyes widened with horror, and he snatched his hand away. “Fin. Oh God.”

Fin drew deep breaths into her burning lungs and rubbed a shaky hand over her throat. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have—”

“No.” Ryan rolled over and hovered above her, moving her hand out of the way. He frowned and touched the skin of her neck gently. “
I’m
sorry. Are you okay?” Leaning in, Ryan peppered soft kisses where it hurt. “Baby …” His eyes searched her face. “I shouldn’t be here,” he mumbled. Pushing quickly off the bed, he got to his feet.

“No!” she shouted hoarsely and he froze. “You live here now. You don’t get to run away. You have to stay.” Her bottom lip trembled. “You stay and you talk to me.”

Ryan rubbed a hand over his eyes and sank down on the edge of the bed. Leaning over, he rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor.

“Did you sleep?”

He breathed out heavily. “Not so much.”

“Are you—”

“Fin.” Ryan turned sideways on the bed to face her and reached out, scraping his palm slowly down her bare chest. Cupping her breast, he looked at her from beneath thick, dark lashes. “How am I supposed to sleep with you lying naked next to me?” he growled playfully.

Fin’s heart thumped when she looked into his eyes and saw the pain he was trying to mask so carefully.

“Ryan,” she whispered and placed a hand on his thigh.

She held her words inside because she was scared. What if love wasn’t enough for them? Would it heal the deep lacerations life had placed on his heart, or would he always be so completely broken that he would never fully be hers?

Her phone rang and Ryan reached over to pick it up from her bedside table. He looked at the display before handing it over. “It’s your mum.”

Fin took the phone from his hand and answered the call.

“Finlay, honey.” She cleared her throat. “How did your night go last night?”

“That’s a long story.”

“Oh … Well, you can tell me about it tonight. Are you still coming for dinner?”

“Yes, of course I’ll be there.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows in question at her.

“In fact,” she said, looking at him, “you’ll need to set another place at the table.”

Ryan shook his head swiftly. “Fin,” he mouthed. “No.”

“Oh?”

“Ryan’s coming too,” she told her mother.

She heard him curse softly, and she rolled over in the bed, giving him her back.

“He hasn’t been around,” Julie said, her voice a mere whisper. “It’s almost like we’ve lost two sons.”

Fin swallowed the lump in her throat when her mother choked on a sob.

“Mum,” she whispered.

“I’m okay.” Julie cleared her throat. “I’m okay,” she repeated, but Fin knew she wasn’t.

“How’s Dad?” Fin asked in an effort to distract her.

“Your father’s fine.”

“Mum—”

“So, we’ll see you tonight,” Julie said over the top of her. “And … thanks Fin, for getting Ryan to come.”

After finishing the phone call, Fin hung up the phone and set it quietly and carefully back on her bedside table.

“I’m not going, Fin.”

The warning tone in his voice was clear, yet Fin was silent. Staring down at her hands, she picked at a torn fingernail from her efforts at searching for the house key last night.

“They want to see you,” she said eventually.

“I’m not going through this now.” Ryan stood and walked towards the door.

“Ryan?” she called out.

He paused without turning around.

“You …” Fin paused, suddenly hesitant, and licked her lips. “You’re still moving in aren’t you?”

Turning, Ryan grinned crookedly, but it didn’t wipe the sadness from his eyes. “Of course. Everything I’ve ever said to you has been the truth, Fin. Don’t ever doubt me.”

She almost flinched at his words because if everything he said was true, did he really hurt so much that he didn’t want to wake up? Not even for her?

“Okay.” Shifting to the edge of the bed, she planted her feet on the floor and stood. “Oh God,” she moaned when blackness swallowed her vision—as though all the light had been sucked swiftly away. She stumbled and went down hard on her hands and knees.

“Fin!” Ryan shouted.

Fin blinked, trying to see. Arms came around her and she was lifted up.

“Christ, baby, you hardly weigh a thing,” he muttered.

Her vision cleared, bringing the concern in his eyes into focus. “Ryan.” She fought against the brief flood of panic and forced a smile. “I tripped getting out of bed. I’m okay. You can put me down.”

“I don’t want to put you down.”

“Well …” She tilted her head. “I do have legs, but if you want to carry me around forever, then I’d let you.”

“Are you sure you just tripped?”

Fin nodded. The last thing he needed weighing him down was worry for her. She probably just needed to eat something.

Ryan looked down at her.

“Yes, I’m sure!” she added. “Do you seriously doubt I would trip over my own feet?”

“True,” he muttered.

Cradled to his chest, he carried her out the door. “Where are you taking me? We haven’t got any clothes on.”

Reaching the couch in the living room, he set her down and planted a swift kiss on her lips. “I’ll get you your robe,” he said. She peered over the couch, her eyes falling to his ass as he walked away. “Then I’m making you breakfast, and after you eat a pile of food, you’re mine all day.”

Her stomach rolled at the idea of food. “Good. I’m starving!” she called out.

As promised, Ryan made a breakfast big enough that even he admitted to being unable to eat it all. That had involved a quick drive to the store because apparently all Fin was existing on was oranges and old cheese.

She had a shower while he’d been gone. Her damp tousled hair hung over her shoulders, and she dressed in a white tank top and sweatpants. Despite looking like the Angel of Sin had dressed her last night, he liked her this way. She had a natural beauty that didn’t need fuss. He hadn’t known the girl he’d seen in the bar last night, but this one? This was the one he knew. This was the one that had his heart thumping and his hands itching to touch.

Fin took a bite of toast, and his eyes fell to her mouth as she licked crumbs from her lips.

“What?”

Ryan met her eyes from where they sat opposite each other at the little breakfast table.

“You don’t have to watch me. I
am
eating.”

He nodded. She was. But it looked forced. He made a note to keep an eye on what went in her mouth.

“So how much stuff do you have?” she asked as he chewed and swallowed.

“Not much. Just what’s on base. The only thing I really spent money on was my car.” He picked up his coffee. “Monday we can go open a joint bank account. I’ll have the Army put all my wages in there. You take that money to pay bills, okay?”

Fin frowned. “Ryan, I have my own money. I was going to transfer Jake’s half of the house to you.”

“Fin.” He reached out and took her hand in his. “We’ll do this right. Get a valuation. I’ll give you half of what the house is worth. I don’t care what you do with the money. Invest it somewhere.”

She looked at him. “Ryan, I don’t need it. You don’t have to do this.”

Ryan rubbed his jaw, wondering how to phrase the words so they wouldn’t hurt, but he didn’t think he could. “You’re my next of kin, baby. If anything ever happened to me, you’d get it all anyway. That’s how I want it.”

Fin slammed her fork down, anger and hurt warring in her eyes. “Okay,” she said, her voice firm. “If anything ever happened to me, you get everything of mine.”

He looked at her sharply, swallowing fear. His need for her was so deep and so utterly consuming nothing could ever take her from him. He wouldn’t allow it. “Nothing’s ever gonna happen to you.”

“Of course it won’t,” she agreed quickly, her eyes falling to her plate.

The words weren’t enough. He needed to see it in her eyes. “Look at me, Fin.”

She looked up.

“Promise me. No matter what you do, you’ll keep yourself safe. For me.”

“I’ll promise it if you do.”

“Dammit,” he growled, his chest filling with unmitigated anger. His chair flew back as he stood. Asking him to be safe was asking him to give up everything he ever was in order to keep that promise. “You know I can’t promise you that.”

Fin stood up, her eyes sparking fire as she faced him. “You speak to me of love, yet you’ll walk away from me so easily to go and put your life on the line! Do you know how hard that is for me?”

He didn’t answer because he knew how hard it was. If he had to sit back and let her put her own life in the same danger it would kill him.

“Do you?” she shouted.

“I’m sorry,” was his answer, and he watched her suddenly deflate.

“I won’t ask you to promise,” she said wearily. “I just want you to know that having to watch you leave is going to be one of the hardest things I ever have to do.”

Ryan pulled her around the table and into the circle of his arms. “Every piece of me is in here.” He placed his palm flat on her chest, feeling her heart beat hard and steady beneath his fingers. He closed his eyes briefly at the beauty of it. “My breath, my heart, my life. I won’t ever leave you if you keep that safe inside of you.”

“Damn you, Ryan,” she whispered fiercely.

His eyes flew open as she twined her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her lips. “What?” he breathed.

“I want to be angry with you, but you make it difficult.”

Growling, Ryan picked her up in his arms. Carrying her into the living room, he leaned down and placed her on the couch. His heart hammering, he looked down at the woman he’d loved for as long as he could remember. Fin was so extraordinary, so smart, so utterly sweet, he could hardly believe that she was his as much as he was hers. She owned him. Whenever he breathed her in, she took away his pain. No one else could ever do that.

“Am I enough, Ryan?”

Spreading her legs, Ryan knelt between them and put his hands on her thighs. “What do you mean?”

Her eyes were big, bottomless pools of green as she met his gaze. “For you to want to wake up in the morning?”

His body tensed.

“You told me you always spoke the truth to me,” she continued.

Ryan dragged his hands up her thighs and squeezed. “I thought I’d lost you, Fin. What Ian said made sense to me. That I’m a reminder of what happened to Jake and that I should leave you alone. The very idea of having to let you go for you to get over losing Jake … that was how it felt. Just a big, black empty space.”

“You believed me, didn’t you? When I told you it wasn’t true. This morning, when I rolled over and you were right there beside me—”