Fighting Temptation (Men Of Honor) (47 page)

I force my eyes open and I’m grateful the room is relatively dark, just a soft glow of the bathroom light that is left on, which helps me to see Jaxson. He looks terribly exhausted. He’s bent over the side of my bed, his chin resting low on his forearm while he looks at his other hand that’s rubbing small circles on my stomach. His gentleness warms my heart but the exhaustion and sadness on his face makes me ache for him.

“I promise though,” he continues quietly, “I’ll try really hard to make those mistakes as few and as far between as I can. I promise I’ll always love you and I’ll always protect you. I’ll fucking kick anyone’s ass, if they try to hurt you, even if it’s just your feelings.”

I smile and hold back a chuckle, not wanting to interrupt his moment.

Jaxson groans and drops his head in his arms, “Jesus Christ, see I’m already fucking up. Listen to how much I’m swearing. Your first word is probably going to be shit.”

My giggle slips free now, “Actually it will probably be fuck,” I try to say teasingly but my voice comes out raw, not sounding at all like me.

Jaxson tenses then whips his head up in surprise, “Holy fuck!” He jumps up and moves to sit right beside me on the bed. “Jules baby, you’re awake.” He grabs my face between his hands and starts reining kisses over every inch of my bruised face. “Jesus, I’ve been waiting for what seems like forever for you to wake up.”

My face is drenched with tears and I didn’t even realize I was crying. With my reflexes sluggishly slow, I bring my hand up to Jaxson’s face, needing to touch him. I become shocked when I realize the tears aren’t my own but that they’re his. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and I thread my fingers in his hair.

My heart aches when his shoulders begin to gently shake. He makes no sound but I feel his tears fall to my neck. I rub his shoulders, his back, any part of him I can reach. Letting my own tears fall I hold him to me tightly, not wanting to ever let him go.

Eventually he bring his face up to look at me again and gently rests his forehead against mine.

“You’re crying,” I say sadly, still stunned by the simple act.

“I know,” he chokes out quietly, “I started when I didn’t think you were going to wake up and now I can’t seem to stop. I’ve turned into a real fucking pussy Jules.”

I giggle again but it bursts out with a sob. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him closer to me.

“I didn’t think I would ever see you again.” My lips softly brush his cheek close to his ear as I cry. “He was awful Jaxson and I was so sure he was going to finish what he started.”

Jaxson tenses against me before he holds me tighter, “I know baby, but it’s going to be okay now, all of it. The baby is alright and…” he pauses “and he’s dead Julia, he will never hurt you again.”

“I know,” I choke out softly, “I heard you talking to Cooper… at least I think I did,” I say, feeling a little unsure now.

Maybe I dreamt it.

Jaxson pulls back so he can see my face, “You were awake then?” he asks, in shock.

I nod, “Every time I heard your voice I would try so hard to open my eyes but I never could. I would only come around briefly before I was pulled back to darkness again. This was the first time where I came to and felt control of my body again.”

Jaxson shakes his head sadly and I can tell it bothers him to hear about it.

“How long have I been out for?” I ask, a little frightened to know the answer.

Jaxson lets out a heavy breath before responding, “Two days. And it was the fucking longest two days of my life.” He runs his hands through his hair as he lets out another deep breath, “I have so much I need to say to you Julia. So much to say I’m sorry for. For the things I said and did that night.”

My heart clenches. Closing my eyes I shake my head, not wanting to think about that night.

My eyes open when Jaxson touches my face gently. His face too shadowed from the dark for me to clearly see his gaze but I can sense his pain. It pours off him and flows directly into my heart.

“Please baby, just hear me out.” Every word is thick with tears and I can do nothing but sit and brace myself for what he’s going to say.

He swallows thickly before continuing, “I was so scared Julia. The only reason I’ve never wanted kids is because I’m fucking terrified I’ll turn out to be just like him.” He doesn’t have to say his dad, because we both know who ‘he’ is. “I mean lets be real, we both know I have one hot fucking temper and where do you think I get that from?”

I shake my head but before I can say anything he places his fingers gently on my lip. “Just wait, let me finish,” he takes another deep breath, “after the way I snapped like that…” he shakes his head, “God Julia, I didn’t think I could fucking hate myself anymore than I already did but I was wrong. When I think about the things I said and how bad I scared you, I’ve never fucking hated myself more in my entire life. Because the truth is Jules, I do love you. More than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I have probably loved you longer than you have loved me, you’re just the one who said it first. I wanted to say it, wanted to tell you so many times, but I was too scared. Because the last person I ever said those words to left me and she never fucking came back.”

Tears begin to stream down my face again, my heart breaking at every single word that agonizingly falls from his lips. It’s the first time he has ever talked about his mom with me.

“Her leaving really fucked me up Julia, but it didn’t destroy me. But the thought of you leaving me… it would completely fucking break me.” His voice cracks and I can’t bear to see him hurt anymore. I grab him by his shirt and pull him to me. His upper body lays gently on top of mine as he braces most of his weight on his arms. He rests his forehead against mine again and I feel his tears hit my face and mix with my own. “Please forgive me Jules, I swear I’ll make it up to you.”

My breath hitches as I try to control my sobs, “Where did you go that night? I was so scared you were never going to come back.”

He shakes his head regretfully, “I shouldn’t have left you like that and I’m so sorry I did. But at the same time it’s a good thing I did because… I went and saw Anna.”

“Anna?” I gasp in shock, “the girl who you saved?”

Jaxson nods, “She lives just a few hours away in Summerland. She asked me in the hospital to come and see her one day but I couldn’t bring myself to. I didn’t want to be reminded of my failure for not making it to her on time. But now…” he lets out another breath, this one sounding more like relief, “I’m so glad I did, she looked real good Jules. She was beautiful and happy, exactly how a fifteen year old girl should be. She has real good parents who are helping her get through what happened to her.”

I smile and bring my hand up to cup the side of his face, “I’m real glad to hear that Jaxson. It’s all because of you that she had this chance to heal and be happy again.”

Jaxson grabs my wrist and brings his lips to it, kissing the bruises that I have from the awful chains. “I see that now. I walked away from my visit with her with a whole new perspective on things, most of all on myself.”

He pauses nervously. I sit patiently and wait because I know it’s hard for him to open up. “The thing is Jules, I’d never felt like I was even good enough to be your friend, let alone to love you. And honestly I still do. I know that I’m not, but I also know that no one will love you and protect you as much as I will. And if you give me another chance, I will work everyday at trying to be the person you and our baby deserve.” He places his hand on my tummy now, “I’m still scared as fuck about being a father but I promise I will love and protect our baby with everything that I am. I already do love him… her… whatever it is.” I giggle and he comes to lay over top of me again, making sure he braces his weight on the bed and not me. “Please forgive me Jules. I love you and I need you.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and bring his lips close to mine, “I love you Jaxson. I have loved you since I was seventeen years old and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. But for us to work I need you to trust me with your heart and your feelings. When you’re scared or angry, talk to me about it, don’t run away.”

He shakes his head, “I won’t. I fucking promise Jules I’ll never leave you again and I will never let my fear make me lose control like that again either. I’ll try really really hard to tell you what I’m always feeling just… please be patient with me, because it’s not something I’m good at.”

I nod, “I will. And I’ll make sure to tell you too how I’m feeling because the truth is, I’m a little scared myself about having this baby.”

“You are?” he asks shock.

“Of course I am. I mean I love our baby so much already but I have no clue what to do. What diapers are best to use, what formula is better, when should they start food?… all of it. It’s something I have to learn, but we will learn it together.”

“Jesus. See I didn’t even think about any of that shit. Knowing me I’d probably forget to fucking feed it.”

I burst out laughing, my throat still raw and scratchy, “No you wouldn’t, but these are all things we will learn together. And if we fail, well we always have Grams. She definitely will know what to do.”

Jaxson chuckles, “Ya she does.” He cups my face tenderly now, “But I have no doubt Jules, you will be the best mom in the whole world.”

He leans down pressing his mouth gently to mine and a small sob escapes me. “I love you so much, I hope our baby is just like you. Smart, loyal, honorable. You are so much better than you know Jaxson, you’re perfect, perfect for me and our baby.”

“I love you more,” he whispers against my lips.

At that moment a nurse walks in, on her rounds. She does a quick check on me and gives me another dose of pain medication.

I look over at Jaxson who looks as exhausted as I feel. “Have you been home at all to sleep?”

He shakes his head, “I’m not going back home until you do.”

“Come here,” I say patting the bed next to me, “I want to feel you beside me.”

“Jules baby I want to be next to you too, but I’m a little big for that bed, and you need room to rest and get better.”

I shake my head and slowly slide over, “Please come here. All I need to get better is to have you beside me.”

“Alright,” he says getting up reluctantly. He lays down on top of the blankets facing me, and I turn to my side too so I can face him. We lay in the dark silently looking at one another.

“How bad do I look?” I ask, knowing it’s probably pretty bad.

I feel Jaxson tense but then he quickly relaxes, “You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Nothing else matters Julia, the rest will fade over time.” He leans down pressing a kiss to my forehead, “Sleep baby.”

I bring myself closer to Jaxson and run my hand up his shirt so I can feel his bare skin. “I love you, forever. Thank you for saving my life again.”

“I love you too.” I hear him whisper just before I fall into a blissful sleep.

“Good morning Julia, it’s nice to finally see you awake. I’m Doctor Gordon and I’ve been the one over-seeing you the last few days. How are you feeling this morning?

Dr. Gordon stands just inside the room, his hand resting on a machine that he rolled in with him. He must be new to the hospital because I have never seen him before, and in a small town you know everyone. He’s an older man with a kind smile and I instantly feel comfortable with him.

I smile back, “I’m feeling alright. My throat is tender and raw, especially when I speak but as long as the nurse keeps giving me what she has been then I feel quite lovely actually.”

Dr. Gordon chuckles, “Yes good old morphine always tends to make people feel that way, although unfortunately we will be changing your pain medication to something different soon. I’m sure the nurse told you though that everything we are giving you is in smaller amounts and is okay for your baby?”

“Yes sir. It was the first thing I asked.”

He smiles brightly, “Uh yes, the same as your young man here. Although his approach was a little… shall we say protective?” Dr. Gordon chuckles again.

I look towards Jaxson, all he does is give me a shrug looking unregretful.

Lord poor nurses, I can only imagine what he was like.

“Anyways, I brought a little something in with me today that I think will brighten your morning. This machine is a portable ultra-sound. Although I know the baby is alright after your injuries I’d like to take a look at it and I thought you would too.”

“Oh yes, I would love that,” I say excitedly.

Jaxson sits up quickly, “Will it hurt her?”

I smile, “No Jax, it’s just a camera they put on my stomach so we can see the baby on that screen,” I explain pointing to the screen.

“Oh uh, okay then.”

Dr. Gordon chuckles again, “You’re right Julia, although from what I understand you’re in the very early stages of pregnancy?”

I nod, “Yes.”

“Then I will have to do this internally, to be able to see the baby clearly. Are you alright with that?”

“Oh sure no problem.”

Jaxson tenses, “Whoa wait, hold the fuck up. What do you mean internally?” Jaxson’s face is a mix of anger and fear. Thankfully his language and demeanor doesn’t seem to affect Dr. Gordon.