Authors: Sarah White
Chapter 37
Matt
Reality and my dreams are hard to differentiate at this point, both bleeding
into each other. It is not that I can’t see that things are not right,
but my real world is full of injustices and fucked up situations. Walking
along in the convoy I see two little girls playing with something ahead of
us. I smile as we approach them,
always curious
how delicate things can exist under such horrible circumstances.
One of the girls has brown hair that hangs long against her back. She is
giggling and sweeps her hair from her face as she watches the other girl
playing. I still can’t see what has their attention, if only the little
girl would move over a little. I drop my rifle down to my side as I
approach the small patio where the girls have been playing. Pausing for a
moment I begin to doubt myself as I can swear I hear the sound of waves.
Miles from the ocean in this dry desert I know that my mind must be playing
tricks on me and I shake my head to orient myself back to this place.
The giggling begins again and I feel my excitement
growing
as we get closer to the patio. The sand beneath my feet gets looser as we
reach our destination and I begin to struggle to not sink in it. I look
behind me to see where the sand had begun knowing that just moments ago I was
walking on packed dirt. I am alone. No vehicles are with me, no
other men, just me in the middle of the desert with the sand beneath my feet,
holding me in my place and fighting me each step I take.
I know I must get to them but I don’t know why. I push against the sand
and call out to them hoping to get their attention. One little girl looks
at me and then smiles, wiping her hair from her face then returning her
attention back to the other girl. More determined than ever I march ahead
until I am in a full sprint so that my feet have no time to sink in the sand
below them.
The sound of the waves is building in the background and I look quickly to see
where it is coming from. There is no water in sight, just two little
girls playing. When I finally reach them I look down at what has their
attention and see the small box between them. I have seen that box before
and now I know I must be dreaming. The girls open the box and the ashes
begin to scatter all around us. Out of now where a wave crashes down,
pulling the girls out to sea.
Chapter 38
Cait
“Wake-up Matt, let’s go to bed. I will wake up to give her the morphine,
you should get some rest.” We make our way down the hall and into the
bedroom. I feel as if we have done this for years and when he lays back I
snuggle up to his chest and breath in his scent while he plays with my
hair. Tonight he agreed to take what he could and not see our time
together as a contract and promise for tomorrow. I focus on doing the
same thing, reassuring myself that he will leave me first, going back to the
military lifestyle and then I can leave him, into the dark unknown.
The alarm on my phone wakes us both and I turn it off and then make my way down
the dark hallway. The weight is back and it crushes my chest as I reach
the door to her room. I stand there for a minute not sure what I am
hoping to find on the other side of it. My heart wants her there, waiting
consciously for her next dose while my brain tells me it is best if she is
gone, no longer in pain. I feel my heart pound in my chest and I bend
over to rest my hands on my knees. I try to steady my breath and fight off the
panic attack I feel coming on. I did not notice Matt come up behind me but I
can now feel his warm hand on my back as he asks if I am okay.
“I don’t know what I want to find in there,” I confess and I break into a sob
and bury my head in his chest.
“Me either,” he replies as he strokes my hair and rests his chin on my
head. When I get myself composed I turn back to the door and open it
knowing I have no control over the fate that will play out for Court.
“She’s okay,” he whispers behind me and while he searches for the morphine I
climb into the bed beside her. I fight back the tears when she does
not wake up to talk before we put the dropper in her mouth and administer the
medication. “She didn’t wake up,” I say desperately while looking to Matt
for an explanation.
“I know,” he whispers as his eyes fill up with tears. “It’s happening to
fast,” he says returning the desperate tone.
I curl up next to
her and drape my arm across her body. It is so much smaller than it was
even just days ago when I first felt her weight against me as she rested on my
lap. Her skin is pale and her nightgown hangs from the bones that
protrude from her skin. Matt sits down in the chair next to the bed and
takes her hand in his. He puts her hand up to his cheek and closes his
eyes as if praying could bring her back to us.
Chapter 39
Matt
Holding her hand is the only thing helping me to keep it together. I love
her so much and I don’t know how I am going to make it through the rest of my
life without her here to check in with. She hasn’t woken up since the
last dose. I know that she is letting go of this world and our life with
her. I would give anything to make it stop right now, to have her wake up
and feel better.
As Court lays here sleeping I realize I won’t get to tell her about Cait and
how I finally made it right. Even if I only get tonight I feel like I
have said my peace and let her know how I feel, freeing my sister of her need
to keep my secret. I now love Cait in the open and I will never again
hide how much I need her. Please Court, please wake up so I can tell
you.
Seeing Cait curled up in the bed next to her is excruciating. I can think
of nothing worse than watching the person you love suffer and right now I am in
a room in the company of the only two women I love, watching them both let
go. When Court passes, Cait is going to fall into a deep disappear and I
am not sure what I am going to be able to do to help her out. She has
suffered so many unbearable losses in her life and I have failed to protect
from those as much as I am failing to protect her from this one.
The cancer has taken so much from us already and it has done so quickly.
Our nights at Pete’s Place are over and we will no longer be able to play our
game in the ocean without feeling the loss of the soul that is missing. I
imagine it is going to take what is left of her soon and the thought makes me
want to throw up. Pain is a horrible thing and there no cure for the
havoc it is wrecking on my heart. Now we just sit and wait for death to
come take her and we are defenseless to
it’s
attack.
I need to be strong for Cait so I hold it together. I feel sick to my
stomach and I am suffocating. I cannot expand my lungs against the tight
grip my muscles have locked onto my chest. Many times I have watched the
end of life in my tours overseas but the enemy over
there
takes life quickly. This enemy my sister is fighting has crept up
silently and slowly drained the life from her. If there
was
any mercy in this world cancer would take you instantly. My years have
taught me there is never any mercy.
Chapter 40
Cait
I watch her chest rise and fall as she struggles to take in a breath. I
want to call Candy to ask her what to expect but I know she won’t have the
answers I need to hear. The bottom line is I know what to expect, one day
I will come in here and she will be gone, her chest no longer rising with the
struggle to breath. Matt will run from the sadness, emerging himself in a
battle far away and I will end mine for good. For now we just wait,
watching her slip away by the minute, helpless to stop what fate has already
determined.
When Court does not wake for the next dose either, I lose hope that I will even
be able to hear her again. Matt has pulled himself together but I don’t
know how. When Candy comes she finds Matt in the chair and me in bed with
Court. Matt leaves to give his sister some privacy and to get it together
I take his seat in the chair beside her bed.
“What is next?” I ask Candy as she cleans Court and checks her vitals.
“Honestly?” she asks looking at me in a way that speaks louder than words.
“Honestly,” I say feeling as though I have just consented to her ripping my
heart out.
“She is going to die. I don’t know what you believe about souls but I
have done Hospice care for a while now and once they stop opening their eyes it
is as if their soul has left and all we are here with is a shell.” She
looks up from her work for a minute to see if I have heard her.
“How long?” I ask calmly now knowing she can only guess.
“If she can’t wake up she can’t eat or drink,” she looks over at me waiting to
see if I can register what we all learned in school. No eating and no drinking
equals
death within a few days. I know this but
I can’t imagine watching it happen.
“Is there anything we can do?” I ask as she rolls Court over and checks for
sores.
“You can love her,” and with that I know it is done. Candy pulls the
blankets back up and gathers her stuff. “We are all dying really,
sometimes we get more time here and sometimes it is cut short. I had the
pleasure of talking to Courtney a lot before she sent for you guys and she has
been ready for some time. I hope that when my time comes I can face it
with the grace that she has faced her death with.” I can see the tears wet her
eyes and she reaches down to clasp Court’s hand. “It will be any time now
Courtney, be proud you have fought a good fight.” A tear makes its way
down Candy’s cheek and I am so impressed with her compassion for my friend.
“Thank you,” I say swallowing the lump in my throat as tears relentlessly
stream from my eyes. Candy nods and lets go of Court’s hand. I know
I have no right to know but I ask her, “How do you do this everyday? You spend
all of your work hours surrounded by death.”
“I do it for my daughter,” she says and I can see her lip begin to
quiver. “I was sixteen when I got pregnant, the same age my mom was when
she had me. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was four
when she started getting sick and five when we finally got the diagnosis.
She had a tumor on her brain stem and there was nothing anyone could do.
I was young and scared with no idea what to expect. When Hospice was
called in a wonderful nurse came out and sat with me. She told me what to
expect and even cried with me sharing in my grief that my daughter was going to
be taken from me soon.
“My daughter survived six long months, fighting every step of the way.
When she finally lost her battle I knew that I could never repay
what that nurse did for me but I could help other dying patients.
It was
hard at first to loose my patients, many of them becoming my friend before they
passed. Loosing people is hard, but watching them suffer is worse.”
She reaches inside her scrubs and pulled out a tiny locket and opens it to show
my the
small pictures inside. One of a baby and
the other of a small child, both were clearly her daughter. I put my hand
to my chest feeling for my small cross, the reminder of the loss I shared with
her. I had never had the chance to meet my daughter, but grieve for her
everyday. Candy had met her daughter, held her close, held her hand and
shared five years before she was taken. The grief I feel can never be
lifted but I silently said a prayer for the first time in years, thanking God
for the swiftness he had exercised in taking my daughter, knowing that what
Candy had survived I could not.
Candy closes the locket and puts it back under her scrubs. “Thank you for
sharing that with me,” I say, although the depth of which her story healed me
she will never know. She nods and then smiles to me as she leaves the
room. When she closes the door behind her I no longer fight the tears. I
am instantly
back
in the dark hole and the darkness
around me is crushing my heart, making breathing impossible.
Matt comes back into the room after Candy leaves and I can see that he has been
crying. I reach down and hold Court’s hand in mine and he kneels beside
her bed and holds her other hand. We both sit and wait for something even
though we do not know what that something is. After a while Matt sits
back against the wall and rests his head and I lean back in my chair. The
next two doses happen without her even opening her eyes. The day is spent
at her side, stroking her hand and her head, switching between praying she wake
up and praying that He just take her.
I remember in my practice hearing stories of families who have watched a loved
one die and they all talk about what it is like in the end.
This strange place where you find yourself not sure what you want
anymore.
The praying for the miracle of life or
the peace of death.
It is as if at some point your heart faces
what is coming and the prayers
for life slowly are out
numbered by the prayers that the suffering will end
. Our miracle
prayers are out numbered some time that
night
as we
have to open her mouth for her to give her the morphine. We no longer
pray for life, we sit helpless hoping she leaves us soon.