Finding YOU Finding ME (You & Me Trilogy Book 2) (2 page)

            “Then
he’s still there,” Collins said, his voice dripping with annoyance.

            “Well…you
and I,” I said. “You broke up with me and…”

            “Are
you two together?” Collins’ voice was as cold as ice. A complete switch from
warmly seductive to murderous steel. “You got together with him as soon as the
opportunity…”

            “No,
not together,” I said, feeling defensive. It was no secret to Collins and I
that Derek wanted a lot more than friendship with me, and had tried in the past
to get there.

            “I
wouldn’t put it past him to try,” Collins said. “But I know you, Sam. If you
were to ever find yourself in a position to be thoroughly fucked, it wouldn’t
be with him.”

            Anger
flashed through me then. How dare he use that against me. How dare he throw my
deep-seated terror of intimacy into my face. “Oh, you think you know that about
me?” I said icily.

            “I
know it takes someone stronger than Mr. Psych to break through your wall, Sam,”
Collins said. “Someone who knows how to heat up that inner passion of yours to
the point you just don’t care how you get fucked or when, but that you do, and
that’s all that you can think of.”

            I
felt the heat rising in me as the intensity of his words burn through the waves
through my ear and into my core, running down to my lower body where I felt
myself shiver with desire.

            “You’re
feeling it right now, aren’t you, Sam?” Collins said. “The need? Your need to
be thoroughly and deeply fucked by me. I can think of many imaginative ways to
do it, too. You’re feeling the tingling in you that starts below. Is it hot or
is it cold? Is it burning a heat so hot that you can feel your skin start to
sweat? How hot is it, Sam? Are your panties wet with its heat? Do you need to
cool down with a cube of smooth as silk ice that melts as it rubs against your
burning skin? How good would that feel when shocking cold meets burning hot?
How good would it feel when my cool tongue dipped through your flesh over and
over again, licking the heat off of your salty skin until you’re cool enough to
begin heating back up again?”

            There
was a pause and then in a very soft commanding voice, Collins purred. “Open
your eyes, Sam. I know you’ve closed them. The pleasure is too intense for you
to keep your eyes open. The pleasure is mounting as you move your fingers.
Exploring, dipping, feeling. You’re squeezing your eyes shut tight, as you
experience the intensity of each and every stroke. One stroke, two stroke,
three…”

            “Ohhh!”
I groaned, clenching my teeth, opening my eyes wide in shock as the sound of a
searing loud blaring of horns pierced the air, and I swerved, nearly missing
the blue van in the next lane. “Collins!” I screamed.

            “Sam!”
Collins’ voice cried through my phone. “Are you alright? Sam?”

            My
heart was beating so fast as the van swerved inches away from colliding with my
small white compact car, and narrowly missed crushing me to bits. I gripped the
handle with both hands so hard, turning to readjust the car, and within a split
second, was back in my lane, breathing hard.

            “Sam!”
Collins’ voice sounded so far away, coming through my phone on the seat next to
me. My small earpiece had fallen off, and I couldn’t make out all the words
coming through.

            The
hard turn of my car had pushed the phone clear to the other side of the car,
and I couldn’t reach it.

           
Concentrate
on the road. Focus, Sam. Get yourself together and calm down.

            I
took a deep breath and slowly let out the air as I listen to my strong inner
voice, the voice that would pop up when I needed to listen to what I needed to
do. I took another deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

I
can do this. I will get through this.

Again and
again until my hands were only shaking mildly.

            Finally,
I was back in control. The car was driving smoothly in its own lane, as though
nothing had happened. Just a few more blocks and I’ll be driving into the
parking lot of Sawyer House like just another day at work. Another day where my
advice on the phone to any teen, young adult or adult can help make a
difference in someone’s life. Another day when I would get involved in the
lives of other people’s problems. I brought a trembling finger to my hair to
push a few strands out of my face and looked in the mirror. My hazel eyes
stared back at me from the mirror, as though mocking me.

When
will you learn, Sam, it’s time to work on your own problems…time to start
saving yourself.

            “Easy
for you to say!” I shouted. “You have no idea how much I have to deal with.
It’ll be so easy to give up, so easy to leave and go far away! Leave behind all
the messed up fucked up shit I have facing me and go far away to Stanford.”

            But
no, you didn’t leave, did you, Sam? You gave up that opportunity. Lost that
chance to run far away from all that mess. Why?

            “Because…because
I know it will never end until I face it. Because I know. In me, deep inside
me, I lost someone, and I need to find her again or I will always always be
lost.”

            It
hit me then what I’d given up today when I didn’t mail in my response, when I
pulled my envelope out of the mail lady’s hands, announcing to Stanford my
acceptance of the scholarship and enrollment into their accelerated psychology
program. My longtime dream. The culmination of years of hard work, and my means
to escape the harsh reality behind my perfect façade of a family. It hit me all
at once, along with the shock of nearly losing my life within inches. I let out
a wail and then the sobbing and the heaving began just when I finally pulled
into an empty space and parked the car.

            “Sam!”
Collins’ voice shouted through my phone from the other side of my car. “Oh my
God, Sam! I’m so sorry…I got carried away…are you hurt? Are you alright? Oh
God, I don’t know what I’ll do if…if…”  A groan of frustration screamed through
the phone, loud enough to shake me out of my state and glance over to where the
phone was…my lifeline to Collins right now. “Sam,” his voice sounded muffled.
“Susan…I need to see you now. I can’t face losing you right when I’ve found you
again.”

            Susan?
At the name “Susan”, my head snapped back up and my back straightened, forcing
me to become all business, to become practical, serious, and focused. “Susan” -
my trigger word for getting me to hold everything together worked to get me to
stop the uncontrollable sobbing.

           
Get
your shit together, girl
. Susan’s voice of reason rang through to my
brain.
You are going to stop crying, get out of the car, walk into Sawyer
House, and have a great day today.

            And
then face Collins, whom I haven’t seen or touch in months, whom the mere sound
of his voice can drive up my body temperature, and his touch would do much more
than that. Considerably more. For before I met Collins that fateful day outside
of my high school guidance counselor’s office, I never dated, never kissed, and
never wanted to feel the touch of a boy or man on me. Until I bumped into
Collins, and his entire presence caused something within me to jump out and
feel something again. Not only something, but a passion so deep that I craved
it like air. Collins was right about something alright. He had touched a part
of me that was so hidden that I didn’t even know it existed. That it would take
a strong person to dig through the layers I’ve developed over the years to find
me and pull me out.

            Today
I had turned down my chance to start a whole new life at Stanford away from my
messed up family and my messed up past, for one reason and one reason alone –
there was something else here at home that I knew would be better. My
subconscious self knew what it was, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t even begin to
tell. Whatever it was, though, whatever it appeared to be…somehow it all began
with Collins.

Chapter
2

           
M
y God! Sam, what happened to you?” Derek greeted
me at the door with a can of Red Bull, something he’s been doing since I would
arrive barely awake, having only slept a few hours each night to fit in my
hours at Sawyer House and finishing up the rest of my high school AP (Advanced
Placement) classes, which would get me enough college credits for me to finish
college a year or two earlier. He rushed over to me and folded me into his
arms, hugging me tightly, while kissing the top of my head, his tall, lanky
body making me feel tiny in his embrace. “You look like you’ve just seen a
ghost.”

            I
melted into his embrace, feeling his strong arms tighten a little more around
me. My legs felt like jelly, and I realized I had a little trouble walking
steadily. Did my near crash have that much of an effect on me?

Get
it together, Sam!
Susan, my inner voice tried smacking me.

            I
took a deep breath and said, “I’ll be fine, Derek.”

            “Why
do you look as pale as a ghost, and why are you shivering in my arms then?”
Derek asked. “What happened, Sam?”

            No
use trying to hide anything from the super observant Derek. He was too
well-trained to let something slip by. “Um, I nearly collided with a large car
on my way here. Missed by a few inches…”

            Derek
immediately pulled me tighter to his chest and began rubbing my back. “Oh
Sammy, you must’ve been so scared.” He pulled back a little to look into my
eyes, his brown ones searching. “How are you now?”

            I
smiled up at him. “I’m fine. I’m fine. Don’t make such a fuss,” I swatted his
hand away while I tried straightening up. “I don’t want the new peer counselor
I’m training today to see me wimpy like this. Besides, how is the new peer
counselor?”

            Derek
smiled, “You can never appear wimpy, Sam. Not in a million years. You’re one of
the strongest girls I know.” His fingers reached out to tenderly touch my
cheeks and then my nose. “You don’t know how proud I am of you…so proud. You’re
graduating Valedictorian, going to be the youngest peer counselor trainer (even
beating my record), and getting accepted to the Stanford psychology program.
You don’t have to worry about being a slacker at all. Talking about slackers…I
didn’t think anyone who looked like our newest peer counselor would be
interested at all with Sawyer House. You’re in for a challenge, but I think
you’ll enjoy that. I’m hoping I’m proven wrong about this guy…and that you’ll
be the one proving it.”

            “Derek,
for someone who seemed so sensitive, yet so smart, I can’t believe you can form
quick judgments of people based on their looks.”

            Derek
smiled a shy smile then. “I was right about you, though, Sam…a beautiful girl
with brains walked into Sawyer House wanting to help people by becoming a peer
counselor, and she turned out to be just that,” he grinned. “And much much
more.”

            “Gee,
thanks,” I said smiling, feeling better already.

            “And
you know what?” Derek asked, pulling me to him urgently now and encircling me
in a friendlier embrace. His lips touched my forehead and then it moved down to
the tip of my nose until they brushed against my lips. He pressed into my lips
until it was open and then his tongue lightly touched mine. “You’re much more
than I ever dreamed of when we first met. Much more, Sam. I know you wanted
only friendship, but you know how I feel about you.”

            He
grabbed my hand and led me quickly into the private conference room where he
leaned me up against the wall and kissed me again, this time more hungrily.
“Sam,” he kissed me harder with each word he uttered. “Sam, my Sam,” his kisses
were now desperate and all over my face, my neck. “God, I’m so grateful you didn’t
get hit by that car. You’ve come to mean so much to me, Sam, and if I lost
you…” he stopped kissing me for a second. “I don’t know what I’d do.”

            “Derek…I’m
fine. I’m safe.  Don’t worry about me, please.” I tried to pull away, but his
hand held me in place against the wall.

            “But
I do, Sam. I can’t help it. These past few weeks when you’ve come in almost
everyday to work, and when you would hang out with me at my college dorm at UC
Irvine, experiencing the life of a college student with me…has meant so much to
me. I’ve loved every minute of it. And, Sam…” Derek hesitated. “You and Collins
McGregor are no longer together.  You haven’t been for months…so maybe it’s
time to move on…time for you to give someone else a chance…”

            I
stared at Derek as his face flushed, making the air between us grow thick.
“Derek…I…Collins…there’s something you should know…”

            Derek
was about to say something when his eyes went from my face to an area to my
left behind me.  Then as though right on cue, there was a knock on the door
before it opened and a tall, but muscular, shaggy-haired sandy blond teen boy
about fifteen or sixteen years old walked in.  His hair was down to his
shoulders, and from what I could see of his face, now covered by his long
bangs, he had piercings all over his face…his eyebrow, his nostril, and his
lips. Dressed in a thin black and white skull and crossbones t-shirt over black
too-long denim jeans and black hi-tops, the boy looked more like a skater than
anything.