Finding YOU Finding ME (You & Me Trilogy Book 2) (5 page)

Collins
smiled, and inhaled. “The thought of you trying, just made this so much harder,
but Sam…we’re not doing this today. You’re not ready yet, and we don’t have
time. We’ll be lucky to be able to make it to our meeting on time now.”

            The
elevator door stopped, and it opened up. Collins took me by the elbows and
walked a little over pass the elevator and to one of the doors in the hallway.
We stopped, and Collins knocked on the door, right when I noticed there was a
nameplate with a name that looked very familiar to me. I blinked, not believing
the name I saw on there.

            “Here
we are,” Collins said, before the door opened, revealing the familiar face of
someone I knew well.

            I
couldn’t help dropping my mouth open.

            Standing
in front of us, gesturing for us to come in, was Gail herself, and it looked as
though she had just come straight from Sawyer House.

Chapter
6

            “
G
ail?” I asked, obviously surprised. I looked
over at Collins and raised my eyebrows. Is this the person we’re supposed to meet
before dinner?

            Gail
laughed, and looked over at Collins. “I told you she’ll react this way.”

            Collins
nervously bit his lips, and I could see how intensely uncomfortable he had
become.

            “Come
in, Sam and Collins,” Gail said, taking my arm and maneuvering us inside the
office, overlooking the city lights of Newport and with a view out to the
Pacific Ocean. It was a far cry from her office at Sawyer House. “Come and make
yourself comfortable,” she said.

            “Gail,”
I said, “Why are you here? What am I doing here?”

            Gail
looked over at Collins and said, “I wished I could have told you earlier, but
I’m under client/patient privileges and I can’t divulge any of this as well as
the fact that I knew Collins until I’ve gotten permission. You see… I’ve been
Collins’ psychiatrist for years, even before I stopped being in private
practice and opened Sawyer House. He’s one of my longest clients.” She smiled
and looked affectionately at Collins. “One of my celebrity clients I had when I
had an office in Beverly Hills. Now all my time is at Sawyer House, except for
Collins, who retained me and set me up nicely here near his offices.”

            I
looked incredulously over at Collins and then at Gail. Why didn’t Collins tell
me that?

            “I
know Collins had started calling Sawyer House as a caller a while back when he
couldn’t get a hold of me and thought I was there. He was going through a
challenge, a new situation, and needed to talk to someone fast about it. I
wasn’t there so he found himself assuming a name so that he can talk to one of
the peer counselors. Well…when I called Collins back, he told me that he didn’t
need to talk to me, but that he thinks he can handle this new challenge on his
own, and if he needed some help, he’s found one of the counselors to be very
helpful.” Gail smiled then. “Of course, I knew it was you, Sam.”

            “You
did?” I asked. “But, I didn’t know Collins was actually…”

            “I
know, Sam. I know all about it. Collins didn’t realized Susan was you either at
first, and vice versa so…the rule at Sawyer House about a peer counselor seeing
one of the callers, well, in your case, it seems you didn’t know about each
other’s true identity, and besides, you were already seeing each other before
the call. If it wasn’t for those circumstances, Sam and Collins, I wouldn’t allow
for you two to get together. It would compromise Sawyer House’s position. But,
as it was a completely different case, and I know Collins’ history, and I sorta
have a hint of yours, Sam (Derek filled me in with everything he knew because
he was concerned with what happened the first time you had a breakdown), this
is different.”

            I
nodded as my slight panic subsided. I was not here because I was in trouble
with Gail or Sawyer House for having had a relationship with Collins outside of
Sawyer House. I was not going to lose my position there. And Collins…the fact
that he knew Gail, but in a very discreet way since she was his psychiatrist or
therapist, although I was hurt he never told me about Gail, I could understand
why. “I’m sorry,” I said. “If I had done anything that would have jeopardized
Sawyer House’s reputation…I…”

            “Don’t
apologize, Sam,” Gail said. “It’s an interesting case, and frankly, I’m very
fond of both of you that I think something like this can be overlooked. But as
I said, you and Collins are unique circumstances, that falls outside of our
usual rules. Collins has even assured me that he is no longer calling as the
caller, and will be handling his challenges openly and directly with the person
he has those challenges with.” She looked directly into my eyes when she said
“person” and the enormity of that sank in. My heart did a flip at that moment,
and I felt my ears burning. I was that person Collins was going to openly and
honestly work with to overcome his challenges.

            I
looked over at Collins, and I can see the fear, the uncertainty in his eyes. My
heart went out to his then. Daggers. My Daggers have come out clean. He was
trying so hard to overcome his past…even bringing me here to meet with Gail
right now. How can I say “no” to helping him?

            I
turned to Collins and took his hand, rubbing my thumb over his palm, trying to
soothe him, trying to reassure him. Despite his stoic expression, I can feel
his hand shake slightly. I knew him so well. I knew he was scared. Scared to
take this step. The only way he could have a relationship with a woman was a
physical one. If there was going to be anything beyond that, it would come with
some conditions. In Collins’ past, those conditions have always been harsh and
abusive. When he reached out to me at Sawyer House, under the guise of someone
else, I’ve learned so much about the abuse he’d faced with women in the past,
starting at age thirteen when his mother prostituted him to older women to get
money for her drug habit, then when he ran away and began living on the
streets, he said he did things he wasn’t proud of. Then came the so-called
loving relationships he’d had with women who would only abuse him through their
words and then physically. And the tapes…

            I
should run. I should turn around and leave. What was an innocent virginal
Pastor’s daughter with a traumatic past of my own doing with someone so
worldly, so damaged as Collins McGregor? How can I help someone like him? How?
What can I do?

            “Sam
and Collins,” Gail said. “I see both of you hesitating about this, but I’ll let
you know as honestly as I can, not only as a therapist, but also as a friend of
you both, I think, despite the outside differences you have, you two are very
similar. You two happen to care for one another very much, too. The time you’ve
spent away from each other didn’t diminish your feelings for each other, but it
seems as though it brought you two closer. Sam, you’ve seen a part of Collins
that he was terrified to show you, scared that you’ll run. But you haven’t.
He’s laid out everything about him for you, Sam, including the most intimate of
all secrets…his past, his shame, and everything. He’s given you a choice to run
or to accept him as who he is, Sam.”

            Gail
took a deep breath and sat down at her desk, looking down at her hands. “I was
so sure you’d take the million dollars and high-tail it out to Stanford, where
you can start all over, but…” she paused. “You didn’t. You surprised us all,
Sam. Despite how much you have set your heart on going to Stanford, you chose
this. You chose not to run away. Do you know why?”

            I
looked at Collins’ hands, which I was holding tightly. His beautiful blue eyes
looked intensely at mine, intense, but soft, and full of love. There was no
question about it. I loved this man. And I would do whatever it takes to help
him overcome his demons. Anything.

            “I
stayed,” I said, looking from Collins to Gail and back to Collins, “because I
love Collins, and I’d do anything to help him.”

            Gail
smiled a secret smile that reminded me of Mona Lisa. “That’s what I suspected,”
she said. “And of course, from everything I know of you, Sam, Collins couldn’t
have fallen in love with anyone more perfect for him than you.”

            Collins
spoke up then after being silent the entire time. “But will Sam be alright
through all this?” he asked. “Will it be too much for her…all my needs and…”

            “It’s
up to Sam,” Gail said. “She’s her own person, and she’s an adult. She may have
had something traumatic that happened to her that she’s working through
herself, but it isn’t her fault, and she is and will be strong enough to
overcome it.”

            “But
my needs are so intense, and she’s still so vulnerable, young, and innocent,”
Collins said. “I don’t care about my therapy as much as it is to help her,
Gail. Will her being with me cause her any harm?”

            “I
don’t think you can hurt her, Collins,” Gail said. “You have issues, but you’re
not a monster, Collins. You can never hurt the woman you love.”

            “But
I’m not normal,” Collins said. “I’m a deviant, I…”

            Gail
stood up and walked over to us, turning Collins to face her. “No, you are not a
deviant, Collins. You are normal. You have some hiccups along the way to being
just like everyone else, but every experience you’ve had, good or bad, has
shaped you into the sensitive, strong, resilient, and caring man that you are
today.”

            “Will
you help us?” Collins asked with tears in his eyes. “Will you help me be the
man worthy of Sam’s love?”

            “I’ll
try to step in whenever you need me,” Gail said. “But the most important person
you should be discussing your relationship with is the woman you want to be
with…Sam, and for her to be open and honest with you, too. For your
relationship to work, you have to let each other know your boundaries and
expectations. You’ll have to learn to trust each other. Both of you have issues
in the past that will come up and become barriers for you to overcome, but fate
or destiny has thrown you two together. I have a hunch if you love each other
enough, you’ll overcome those barriers, and you’ll do it together.”

            Collins
pulled Gail into his chest for a big bear hug then. His cheeks were wet with
tears, and he was telling her, that he thought everything was so hopeless a few
months ago when he left for Europe and left me behind, that he thought he would
never find love or be able to have a normal relationship. But now, he’s never
been so happy for this chance. “And I will do everything I can,” he said to me,
pulling me in for the group hug, “to keep you.”

Chapter
7

           
W
e had dinner afterwards. Collins, Gail, and I
in a restaurant nearby where we had our own private room. It felt strange
having Gail, whom I saw as my mentor at Sawyer House, act as my therapist, too,
or rather, Collins’ therapist. I felt self-conscious at first around her,
knowing what she knew about Collins and me, and also what she knew about us.
Collins had told her about our incredibly hot ride up the elevator to her
office and how I had reached an orgasm. My face was flaming red when she
nodded, pleased with what he was telling her.

            “That’s
amazing progress,” she said to Collins and to me. “You’re so close to being
comfortable with your intimacy.” She looked very pleased. “Given your past,
Collins, I would say you have made enormous progress to get to this point.”

            “I
was tempted,” Collins said. “A couple of times, but with Sam/Susan, I tried to
stay in control.”

            Mortified,
I kept staring down at my hands. I wasn’t used to discussing my sex life in
front of people, let alone my boss. But Gail was different. She wasn’t just my
boss, but a highly-trained respected psychiatrist. “Good, good,” Gail said.
“Sam, for you to reach the point of orgasm that you did, for you to get beyond
your fears of intimacy and touch, you’ve come a long ways as well.”

            “All
I wanted to do was to be there for him,” I said. “I didn’t even think of
myself. I was focused on him, and with that, I wasn’t afraid.”

            “Well,
that’s what I thought would happen, only you’ve pushed through that fear very
quickly. And in the heat of the moment,” Gail said. “What I wish for both of
you is to be able to have that and more, all the time, in the heat of the
moment and in any normal situation.” Gail took out a sheet of paper and began
writing. “Look, I know you both want to speed this along, and I would love for
you to, but we really have to take it one step at a time so it’s not too much
and you end up regressing…which could be worse.”

            Collins
took a sip of water and calmly said, “What do you suggest we do?”

            “Don’t
live together for now. I know you want to have Sam live with you, like before,
but that’s a bit soon. She needs to have a place of her own. You need to have
that boundary.”

            I
spoke up, realizing this is what I wanted all along. “I was planning on moving
out of my parents’ place and getting a place, an apartment of my own near UC
Irvine’s campus.”

            “I’ll
help you find one,” Collins said, without skipping a beat.

            “There
you go,” Gail said, pleased with how easily Collins and I agreed with what she
suggested.

            Later
on, when Collins left to go take a phone call, leaving Gail and I alone at the
table, Gail took my hands in hers and squeezed it. “Sam,” she said. “I know
everyone is expecting me to tell you to back off from this relationship with a
man like Collins. I know how much your father will disapprove of the advice I’m
giving you. I know all the parents in the world will be saying that I should
tell you to stay a virgin, be chaste and all that. But I’m not the moral
police, and I’m not here to tell you to remain a virgin or to stay a “good
girl” whatever that means or to be wary of guys like Collins. You know all that
already, and you don’t need me to tell you any of it. What I’m telling you is
advice from experience with the choices you’ve already made. You’ve made the
choice to see and be with Collins, to have a relationship with him, and him
with you. You’re young, but you’re also an adult so I can’t shelter you. I can
arm you with advice to help you make grown-up decisions and to help you have
the most satisfying and happy relationship you can with the person you choose
to be with.”