Authors: George McCartney
Chapter 28
Jack and Annie were sitting in the Land Rover, parked on a strategic hilltop which overlooked several of farmer Kemp’s largest fields, with “Further Down the Line” by Lyle Lovett playing on the little cassette recorder, with the volume turned down low. Jack looked at his watch for the umpteenth time, then yawned and stretched. ‘Three o’clock in the morning. This is completely mad, Annie, you know that don’t you? They would need to be really dumb to come back here and try the same thing over again.’
‘Yeah, but maybe they
are
really dumb.’
‘True enough, but you can see why they picked this farm the last time. I mean, there are no houses for two or three miles in any direction and hardly any through traffic on the road. Maybe they’re not so daft after all.’
‘If you weren’t here, what would you be doing back in Glasgow?’ asked Annie.
‘Well usually after a hard day, or an easy day for that matter, I have a few drinks down at the Royal and pick up a fish supper on the way home, then put the football on and collapse in front of the television. Believe me, when you get to my age, there’s nothing to beat stretching out on a well-padded
La-Z-Boy
.’
Innocently, Annie asked, ‘Sorry, boss, did you just say that you keep a
lady
boy at home? Not that it’s any of my business, like.’
‘No, Annie, it’s
not
a lady boy, it’s a
La-Z-Boy.
You know, those big reclining arm chairs. Those are two
completely
different things, not to be confused under
any
circumstances. Anyway, this is the third night we’ve sat up here. What a complete waste of time.’
Stretching and looking up at the clear night sky in wonder, Annie sighed, ‘But it’s not a waste of time for me. The stars are really beautiful down here … so big, so
close
you can almost reach out and touch them. Did you know that this area has the first designated Dark Sky Park in the whole of Great Britain. You just don’t get to see the stars like this when you live in a big city, with the light pollution from all the street lights and houses. Honestly, I could sit here all night.’
Not impressed, Jack also yawned again and reached for a large thermos flask on the back seat of the Land Rover. ‘We
have
sat here all night, remember. And last night
and
the night before. Anyway, it’ll be light in about an hour, so if we have another coffee and the last sandwich, it’ll just about take us to knocking off time.’
Opening the driver’s door, Annie hopped out onto the grass and said, ‘Honestly, no more coffee for me, I’m bursting for the toilet.’
Jack teased,
‘There’s a shovel in the back, if you need it, and watch out for the cow pats and nettles. I could put the headlights on if that would help.’
‘That won’t be necessary, thank you,’ Annie answered primly.
She then got out of the Land Rover and headed out of sight, just over the brow of the hill, where she suddenly saw what appeared to be the brief flash of light from a torch moving around in the field down below. Rubbing her eyes in confusion, she then saw another flash from a different location. She ran back to Jack at full speed.
‘Christ that was quick, a pee takes me at least ten minutes these days.’
Breathless and urgent, Annie gasped
,
‘We’ve been looking in completely the
wrong
direction, boss. I’m sure I just saw a couple of torches moving around, down in the other field over the hill there,
behind
us.’
Jack was initially puzzled and sceptical.
‘Are you sure? But there’s no way to get from that field directly onto a road, remember. We checked it out on the map the other day.’
‘Well we must have missed something, here let me see that Ordnance Survey map again.’
They both studied the map by torchlight for a few moments and then
Jack stabbed at the map with his finger. ‘Christ
there
it is! How the fuck did I miss that?’
‘What is it?’
Pointing at the map, Jack explained,
‘I think that’s an old unmade road
there
, see where it cuts through the wood. If it is, they could maybe get a lorry in, herd the cattle over to it and then load them up while we’ve been sitting here bloody stargazing. Thank God you went out for a pee.’
‘Oh my God, what do we do now?’
‘Right, if we can get down off this hill, without them hearing or seeing us, we might
just
have time to head them off at the pass,’ said Jack.
Peering anxiously at the map again, Annie exclaimed
,
‘But I don’t see any pass.’
‘Never mind, it’s just something stupid that cowboys always say when they’re setting off after the rustlers. So just try and roll this heap slowly down the field to the road, without starting the engine or using the headlights. With any luck they won’t see us coming.’
Annie then released the handbrake and the old Land Rover gradually picked up speed and began to roll down the hill, bouncing and crashing straight through bushes and clumps of gorse, without the benefit of headlights, or engine braking.
Holding on for dear life, Jack squealed
,
‘Slow
down
for Christ’s sake, you’re going to kill us both.’
With white knuckles gripping the steering wheel, Annie desperately pumped the foot brake. ‘I’m
trying
to sodding slow down, but the brakes on this thing are completely rubbish.’
More by good luck than judgement they reached the road at the bottom of the hill still in one piece and Annie then re-started the engine, floored the accelerator and hurled the Land Rover round the country roads, still without using headlights.
Desperately trying to make sense of the small scale OS map by fading torchlight, Jack hissed, ‘Okay
,
slow down, yes
here
, I think the track they’re using joins the road just around this bend.’
Annie slowed the Land Rover about fifty yards from the indicated junction, pulled off the road under some overhanging trees and then killed the clattering diesel engine.
Jack opened the passenger door and advised Annie, ‘Look, you stay here and watch the road and I’ll go and check down the track.’
‘No way, I’m not sitting
here
on my own in the dark. And remember boss, we’d still be sitting on the other side of the hill stargazing and drinking coffee, if it wasn’t for me,’ replied Annie firmly.
Master and apprentice then cautiously progressed in single file along the narrow track, which was flanked by tall trees and in almost complete darkness, as a thick bank of cloud temporarily obscured the full moon.
Jack switched the torch on momentarily, whilst hooding its beam with the OS map, and examined the surface of the rough track closely. ‘Look, see … these fresh tyre tracks
there
in the mud where they’ve splashed through a puddle. My Apache tracking skills are a bit rusty, but I’d bet good money that something big and heavy’s been through here not very long ago.’
‘Okay then, what if you’re right and it is the Barlow boys, or somebody else, trying to steal more cows,
how
on earth do we stop them?’
‘Well, Annie, if you could just lie here across the track and pretend to be dead, I’ll go and get the police. Shouldn’t take me more than an hour.’
‘Yeah,
right
.’
‘Or we
could
try and block the track with the Land Rover, but then they’d probably just walk back home and say that their lorry was stolen.’
As they reached a bend in the unmade track, the clouds passed over once more and with the benefit of bright moonlight, the menacing dark silhouette of a huge double-deck, livestock transporter was clearly evident against the night sky.
‘Good Christ, it’s
really
going down, Annie. Okay then, if it is the Barlows, we know there’s three of them and they’re all built like brick shit houses, so confronting them directly and making a citizen’s arrest is not a goer. And considering we’re not even getting paid for this job, the smart thing is just to hang fire, phone the police and let them sort it out.’
Annie checked her iPhone for a signal, then shook her head and asked,
‘Okay then, that’s the
smart
thing to do. What are
we
going to do?’
‘Bugger, I don’t believe it. I’ve got no signal either.’ Groaning, Jack scratched his head in frustration. ‘I keep forgetting that this is the fucking back of beyond, Annie. I don’t even know where the nearest manned police station is, and anyway by the time they get out of their pyjamas and send a car out here, it might be too late.’
‘So what are you suggesting?’
‘Look, I’m not going to put you in any more danger, Annie,’ said Jack, optimistically. ‘You’ve been through more than enough drama with me already. Until we can get a decent phone signal, we just need to try and slow them down a bit, without
raising their suspicions. That way they’ll get caught red handed, while they’re still on local roads, when the cavalry does eventually arrive.’
As they crept nearer to the lorry they saw that the transporter’s ramp was already down and the sound of a large number of cattle being loaded could clearly be heard.
Annie looked around anxiously and said
,
‘We don’t have much time, boss, it looks like they’re nearly finished.’
‘Don’t worry, this shouldn’t take long.”’
Jack then crawled forward on his belly to the front of the transporter, still hidden from view, as the last few cows were chased on board with kicks and curses at the rear. Turning over onto his back, he then wriggled underneath the massive fuel tank and took out a small screwdriver from his pocket. After two hefty blows, using a rock as a makeshift hammer, he managed to puncture and enlarge a hole in the bottom of the fuel tank with the blade of the screwdriver. A pungent stream of diesel fuel immediately started to pour out and form a puddle on the ground below.
Satisfied with his efforts, he then carefully retraced his route back to where Annie was keeping watch. ‘That should do it. Let’s get the hell out of here, Annie.’
Chapter 29
Once safely round the bend in the track, they stood up and jogged back to the Land Rover, where Jack pulled out his mobile and checked once again for a signal. ‘Shit, still nothing. You?’
Annie stood on the vehicle’s running board and vainly waved her iPhone around above her head before announcing, ‘No, same here.’
‘Okay then, we stay calm and just follow them.
Somewhere
down the road, we must get a bloody signal and then we can call the cops.’
The rumble of a heavy diesel engine heralded the arrival of the huge transporter back out onto the road. After a brief pause its headlights were switched on and it slowly gathered speed.
‘Where do you think they’re headed?’ asked Annie.
‘If it’s the Barlows, it could be straight round to their place, to get the old barbie fired up and chow down. But seriously, if I was standing in their filthy wellies, I think the smart thing to do would be to hook up with the buyer as quickly as possible, probably somewhere quiet near the M74 motorway. Then get paid and head home for a slap up breakfast. Job well done and it’s a helluva lot easier than farming.’
They started to follow the lorry at a discreet distance, still driving without lights on the deserted back roads. After a few minutes Jack’s phone began to show a flickering reception signal and he quickly dialled 999, eventually getting through. So began an extremely fraught conversation with a sleepy, deeply sceptical police constable.
‘Hello, can you hear me? Great, thank
God.
I want to report the theft of some cattle.’
Annie gestured for Jack to put the call on speaker phone, but he didn’t understand her request. However, the drift of the one-sided conversation soon became all too clear.
‘No, they’re not
my
cattle, I’ve just been guarding them.’
‘No, I’m not wearing leather chaps and a Stetson. I’m
not
a cowboy, I’m a …’
‘No I don’t know what
kind
of cattle they are.’ Annie quickly dug him in the ribs and he then interrupted the thoroughly confused policeman, who was trying valiantly to make some sense of the call. ‘Wait, wait … yes I
do
know, they’re
George Galloways
.’
With stress levels now comfortably up in the red zone, Jack then roared, ‘No I
don’t
know how
many
cattle have been stolen. All I can tell you is that they
have
been fucking stolen and I’m following the lorry the thieves are using right
now
. We’re heading South on the B796 about three miles from Gatehouse of Fleet.’
The plot was then officially, totally lost as Jack bawled like a man possessed,
‘No I
can’t
tell you the lorry’s fucking registration number. The number plate’s completely covered in shite, and so am I, and
before
you ask, I can’t tell you
my
fucking registration number either. So stop asking
stupid fucking questions
and get a car over here
right now
.’
Jack then tossed his phone onto the dashboard in exasperation and said, ‘Fuck it, the signal’s gone again.’
Shaking her head, Annie asked coldly,
‘That seemed to go really well. So what happened to the private detective’s golden rule, about always keeping calm, not panicking and being professional?’
‘Bastard
police, we’re handing them the fucking case on a plate and
I’m
the one getting the third degree.
Typical
.’
‘To be fair, they probably do get a lot of crazy calls in the middle of the night.’
‘They’re
bastards
, the lot of them.’
‘You’re starting to sound just like the farmer. So
are
they sending a car or not?’
‘I’ve no idea, Annie. We might be on our own on this one, as usual.’
Stressed out by having to drive the ancient Land Rover, without lights on these strange twisting roads, and also by the unhelpful manner with which Jack had handled their one shot at summoning help from the police, Annie snapped, ‘You don’t have a clue where they’re going,
do
you?’
Feeling exhausted, exasperated and dying for a drink, Jack grunted, ‘Look, just keep following that shiny trail of diesel in the middle of the road. You should be able to see it okay, as long as the moon’s out. Where the trail goes, we go.’
After ten minutes, still driving blind, they negotiated a sharp bend and almost ran straight into the back of the lorry, which was stationary without any lights showing. Annie had to stamp hard on the soft brake pedal to avoid a collision.
Jack exclaimed,
‘Shit, that’s weird. They can’t have run out of fuel
already
. Do you think they’ve seen us?’
His question was immediately answered as the transporter’s rack of high-level, loading lights suddenly came on, brilliantly illuminating the Land Rover and dazzling Jack and Annie. Then with an ominous grinding of gears and a roaring engine, the huge truck thundered backwards towards them.
‘Go
Annie! For fuck’s sake,
go
!’ screamed Jack.
Crunching and cursing, before successfully engaging reverse gear, Annie backed wildly along the narrow road, bouncing off the earth embankments on either side, with the huge lorry in hot pursuit, its rear bumper only inches away from crushing the ancient Land Rover.
Through clenched teeth, Annie gasped,
‘They’ve still got a
bit
of fuel left then.’
‘I don’t know how, but they must’ve spotted us following them. The bastards are trying to kill us.’
Panicking as she weaved the Land Rover from side to side, flat out in reverse gear, Annie then screamed
,
‘I don’t
sodding
believe it, I can see headlights
behind
us now. It must be the buyer, or the rest of the gang. Oh my God, they’ve got us, boss, we’re
trapped!
’
‘Okay, we’re not finished yet. Remember what I said before about improvising. Just get ready to bail out, when I give the word, and then stick close to me.’
The rear bumper of the lorry edged closer still and then thumped against the front of the Land Rover, with a tremendous crash, as the blinding headlights from the mystery vehicle closed at speed from their rear.
Annie was almost at the end of her tether and wailed, ‘Boss, I’m sorry. I just can’t
do
this any longer. I’ve always been hopeless at reversing and I really,
really
need a pee.’
Jack looked behind and saw a farm gate coming up fast on the left. Telling Annie to hold on tight, he then pulled down violently on the steering wheel, which sent the Land Rover spinning wildly backwards straight through the wooden gate and into a muddy potato field. In the absence of its intended target, the huge lorry then crashed head on into the front of the other vehicle, a police car. A second police car, coming from the opposite direction, then screeched to a halt in front, effectively trapping the lorry.
Almost crying with relief, Annie slumped over the steering wheel and gasped
,
‘Oh thank
God
, it’s the police.’
However, relief immediately gave way to terror as the three hulking Barlow brothers came lumbering purposefully through the broken gate, pursued by two policemen. Sensing that the occupants of the Land Rover were responsible for their imminent detention, the Barlow boys were clearly intent on exacting revenge.
Jack shouted,
‘Run for it Annie! Don’t worry about me, I’ve still got my knuckle duster. I can slow them down.’
He then jumped out of the Land Rover and was immediately flattened into the mud by the elder Barlow brother’s huge protruding stomach. The giant was then poised to deliver a vicious kick to Jack’s face when Annie hit him on the back of the head, with a shovel grabbed from the back seat. Meanwhile the Barlow twins, seemingly oblivious to clouds of pepper spray and multiple blows from extended police batons, were in the process of administering a serious beating to the two slightly built young policemen. The thunderous blast from both barrels of a shotgun brought this sudden eruption of violence to an end.
Lying on his back in the muddy field, Jack swore later that he clearly heard the opening few bars of
High Noon
as Thomas Kemp, the farmer, came striding purposefully into the field, in the manner of Gary Cooper himself. He expertly broke and then re-loaded his shotgun, before commanding the brothers, ‘Just give me the excuse you
ba ba bastards
, and you’ll be getting both
fa fa fucking
barrels right up the arse. I mean it, get down on the ground and eat dirt, now!’
The Barlow boys were entirely convinced by the threat and immediately slumped face down in the muddy earth, like three beached whales. The farmer was beaming with delight and announced, ‘I’ve always wanted to say that.’
Annie was relieved, but puzzled, and asked him,
‘But how on earth did you know what was going on?’
Smiling as the brothers were handcuffed and then led away, the farmer replied
,
‘The police at Kirkcudbright have been contacting all the local farms, with their knickers in a complete twist, saying they’ve had a mad man with a Glasgow accent on the phone, screaming about cattle rustlers. So when they phoned me and asked if I was missing any stock, I checked my fields then phoned them back and got over here as quickly as I could.’
Then, still smiling broadly, he shook both Jack and Annie by the hand, and confessed, ‘To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think that two private eyes from the big city had a cat in hell’s chance of ever catching the Barlow boys, but you did it. You two are the best and, by the way, that was a terrific bit of stunt driving. How you timed it perfectly to spin through the gate like that, it must take a lot of practice.’
Annie smiled modestly, then winked at Jack before replying, ‘It’s nothing really, Mr Kemp… it’s just how we roll, you know.’
Then reverting back to type, farmer Kemp switched from fulsome praise, which doesn’t cost any money, and brought Jack and Annie, who were basking in the praise, suddenly back down to earth with a jolt. ‘Anyway, because it’s all turned out so well, I won’t be charging you for the damage to the front end of my Land Rover.’