Authors: George McCartney
Chapter 18
When they arrived at the alternative car park, chosen the previous evening by Annie, they found that paint stripper had been liberally poured over Senga’s bonnet, wings and roof. The crumpled boot and rear bumper, which Jack had temporarily secured with duct tape, following events at the Greenbank Sports Centre, was the only area of the car which had been spared the chemical assault.
Walking round the car, shaking his head in disbelief at the curled, peeling paintwork, Jack cursed, ‘Fucking hell, would you look at
that
. Poor old Senga.’
‘I’m really sorry, boss, first your office and now your car. You’re really getting your chain pulled big style. But, trying to look on the bright side of things, I think the way Senga looks right now she’ll definitely make the Turner Prize shortlist.’
‘Burke’s had eighteen years of lying staring up at the ceiling of a prison cell to plan all of this, Annie. I think you’re right. Getting out of his crosshairs for a few days, by leaving Glasgow, is absolutely the right call for both of us. Let’s go.’
As Annie drove south from Glasgow on the M77, she indicated for a left turn and then took the slip road signposted for the Silverburn out of town shopping centre.
‘What’s happening?’ said Jack.
‘There aren’t any big supermarkets where we’re going, so we need to pick up enough supplies for a few days, just until we decide what to do. There’s a big Tesco Extra in here, so it won’t take me long. Are you coming in?’
Annie collected a trolley and they both entered the supermarket. As she headed towards the huge food section, Jack wandered purposefully in the direction of the booze shelves. Having filled a basket with his priority purchases, a selection of bottles and cans, he then waited outside the entrance for Annie, who appeared ten minutes later with four bags of non-alcoholic essentials.
As they were walking back to where Senga was parked, Jack suddenly stopped and snarled angrily, ‘Wait a minute.’
‘What is it?’ said Annie, whose first thought was that Jack must have spotted Thomas Burke pushing a shopping trolley.
‘Do you see
this
?’ he said, turning and pointing at a gleaming new, white Range Rover Sport.
‘What are you on about, boss?’
‘
Look
at it
. This
fucking car, it’s taking up
two
parking spaces.’
‘So what?’ asked Annie.
‘I fucking
hate
that. You know, the sense of
entitlement
that some people have
.
The selfish, arrogant bastards. It’s like, don’t you dare to park
your
crappy old banger next to
my
beautiful, expensive new motor. I really, really
need
these two spaces.’
Looking around nervously, Annie asked her red faced employer, ‘Don’t you think you’re maybe over-reacting just a
little
bit, boss?’
However, Jack’s rant continued unabated. ‘I wouldn’t mind so much if they took up two spaces away in the far corner of the car park, where there’s always plenty of room, but they
never
do. They
always
want to park as near the shop entrance as humanly possible. In fact they would probably park
inside
the supermarket, if they could. It’s fucking unbelievable.’ He then looked around furtively, before ducking down at the nearside front of the offending vehicle.
Annie hissed urgently, ‘What on earth are you
doing
? There are security cameras everywhere around here, somebody will see you.’
However, Jack seemed completely unconcerned and smiled madly as he removed the dust cap and pressed down with a thumb nail on the tyre valve, quickly deflating the large knobbly front tyre. ‘Never been caught yet, Annie, and remember, it’s only
one
tyre for a first offender. But if I catch him, or her, at it
again
, it’ll be
both
front tyres.’
He then stood up and rubbed his hands together, with the satisfied air of a man completing a job well done. ‘And, of course, the wankers who do
this
kind of thing are usually completely incapable of changing a wheel, so I sometimes hang around to watch them hopping about and braying into their mobile phones, when they find out what’s happened. But I’m not looking for any special credit here, Annie, I’m just doing my bit to try and make the world a better place. But it is good fun, as well. You should try it.’
Annie then took Jack firmly by the arm and led him away. ‘C’mon boss, you’ve had a very stressful couple of days, but everything’s going to be okay. I think some rest and sea air will do you the world of good.’
Chapter 19
Jack and Annie were heading along the A711 towards Kirkcudbright, having fled Glasgow on the advice of the police, in order to escape the wrath of Thomas Burke, a sinister psychopath from Jack’s past.
Annie, who had constantly been checking her rear view mirror on the drive south for any suspicious following cars, suddenly looked sideways at Jack, who had been silent and morose since leaving the outskirts of Glasgow far behind. She quickly rolled down the driver’s window.
Without looking at her, he eventually glanced out of the side window and grunted, ‘What?’
‘You know
what
.’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘Yes you do. That
horrible
smell.’
‘Not guilty, Annie, for once.
Honestly
.’
Annie was unconvinced as Jack ranted, ‘Look, we’re out in the middle of bloody nowhere and there’s shit
everywhere
you look. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s on the road, there’s great big piles of it lying steaming in the fields and cows, sheep and horses are crapping in every direction. I can even see a mad bastard in the next field spraying the stuff around. It’s unbelievable.’
‘He’s a farmer, boss.
That’s
what they do.’
‘I was just thinking that a good fart might actually freshen things up in here.’
‘Well don’t, just
don’t
. Okay?’
Jack was edgy and sweating, having finished a half-bottle of whisky on the drive south. ‘Please tell me again what we’re doing here, Annie?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Okay, pull over when you can.’
Annie turned into a layby and they both got out. Jack walked a short distance away from the car, stretched and then unleashed a thunderous volley of trapped wind. A startled cow looked up accusingly from behind an adjacent drystane dyke.
Unrepentant, Jack snarled petulantly, ‘What are
you
fucking looking at? At least I don’t have shite all over my arse and legs.’
He then lit a cigarette, dragged deeply on it and scratched his head as he walked back to towards Annie. Together they looked out over a spectacular view, which could easily have been chosen by the local tourist board, with lush green fields stretching down towards the Solway coast and a herd of Belted Galloway cows grazing contentedly in the foreground.
But Jack’s sour mood was not in any way assuaged by the perfect sylvan prospect before them. ‘I mean just look at it, there’s absolutely
nothing
here. I’ve never liked the so-called great outdoors. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried over the years. You know, camping holidays in the Highlands, holiday cottages with sea views and forest cabins with hot tubs. Didn’t like any of them, ever. Couldn’t wait to get back to civilisation.’
‘You’re wrong. It’s
so
beautiful, Jack. You’ve just got to learn to appreciate it. Okay then, try this … take a deep breath, close your eyes and
listen.
Then tell me what you hear.’
Jack was dismissive, ‘Apart from thousands of wild animals chewing and crapping, I don’t hear a thing.’
‘But that’s the
point
… isn’t it
wonderful?
’
Trying to explain his anxiety, Jack pleaded, ‘Look, I’m a city boy Annie, born and bred, this is all
very
weird for me. I mean, no noise, no people, and no traffic.’
‘Yeah, and no pubs. No
booze
.’
Ignoring the telling jibe, Jack pointed at the cows, which displayed the distinctive white mid-riff of the Belted Galloway breed. Three of the less timid members of the herd began to wander casually over towards the fence, to inspect Jack and Annie more closely.
‘Anyway, what do you call these funny looking buggers?’
Annie enthusiastically explained, ‘These cute guys are the world famous Belted Galloway cattle. I’ve loved them ever since I was little, when we used to come down here on holiday, but I could never say their name properly, so I just called them the Bee Gees. I mean, okay, their teeth aren’t as big as the real Gibb brothers’, but I think they’re
much
better looking.’
Jack smiled for the first time since leaving Glasgow and said, ‘I
can
see the resemblance, now you come to mention it.’
One of the Bee Gees then spoiled the moment with a wet squelchy fart
.
Acknowledging a kindred spirit, Jack gave the bovine culprit a cheery thumbs-up and said, ‘Nice one mate,
and
you’ve got better tunes than them as well.’
They both chuckled and got back into the car.
Chapter 20
As he secured his seatbelt Jack sighed, calming down slightly. ‘Okay Annie, I can see that if you get off on the smell of cow shit and standing around staring vacantly into the distance, with a blade of grass stuck between your teeth, then this place must seem like heaven. What I want to know is, what am I doing here? I’m a private detective from Glasgow, for Christ’s sake. And as you know, I am not independently wealthy, so
how
on earth do I make a living way out here in the boonies?’
Starting to lose patience, Annie snapped back, ‘Look boss, you really need to sober up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. We’re
here
because if we’d stayed in Glasgow there’s a pretty good chance that one, or both of us, would be dead by now. You heard what the police said.’
‘Policemen say a lot of things, it doesn’t mean any of them are true. I know, I was one remember.’
‘You’re not getting it, Jack.
Your
office was firebombed, your car had paint stripper poured over it and then the bastard responsible nearly set fire to
my
flat while I was inside asleep. Our cage has been well and truly rattled. That’s obviously what this lunatic Burke wants, but let’s not give him the satisfaction of running around like headless chickens reacting to
his
moves.’
Rubbing his head with frustration, Jack nodded and said, ‘You’re right. I just hate the idea of being run out of town by a filthy scumbag like him. That’s what this feels like to me.’
‘That’s crazy. The police know who they’re looking for and they have the manpower to cover the whole city 24/7, so it makes sense to get out of Glasgow for a while and just let them do their job. They’re watching the office and both our flats, so if he does show face again they’ll grab him for sure. Just try and think of this as a little field trip to grow the business, you know, like opening a branch office. Okay?’
Jack slumped down in the passenger seat, apparently resigned to a brief spell of exile from his beloved city and said, ‘Anyway, where are we heading?’
‘I know a quiet little hotel where we can spend the night, until I fix up somewhere safe for us to stay.’
Half an hour later, Annie parked outside a small country house hotel, which was accessed from the main road by a long winding driveway, bordered on both sides by dense rhododendron bushes. As they entered the lobby and approached the reception desk, the owner looked up eagerly from behind a newspaper and immediately took in the older guy with an attractive, much younger woman in tow, carrying no luggage.
Jack nodded in greeting, ‘We need accommodation just for one night, but we haven’t made a reservation.’
With a knowing smirk to Jack, the hotel owner slid a glossy colour brochure across the desk. ‘
Not
a problem sir, we do get a lot of couples coming in here who’ve maybe just
pulled
… you know, off the motorway for the night. And you’re in luck, due to a last minute cancellation, I see that our most popular accommodation, the Sheridan spa suite, is still available.’
Annie giggled and turned away as the owner opened the brochure and warmed to his sales pitch. ‘As you can see here, it’s very well equipped, rather like the great man himself if rumours are to be believed, with a hot tub, a mirror ceiling and a vibrating emperor-size bed, which can accommodate parties of up to eight. The room is also fully soundproofed and comes, of course, with complimentary strawberries and champagne. Special late availability price, if you’re sure only two of you are expected, is £200 for a guaranteed night to remember.’
Ignoring the salacious sales patter, Jack replied, ‘Maybe another time pal, after I’ve saved up my pocket money and made a few more really close friends. Meantime we’ll take two singles.’
Clearly disappointed, the owner provided keys to two standard single rooms and got them both to register.
As they climbed the stairs to their rooms, Jack paused to recall a memory triggered by the conversation at reception. ‘I remember when I was a good bit younger, a guy at work pulled me aside and asked me if I fancied a five-a-side challenge against Tommy and some of his friends, one Friday night after work. At the time, of course, I thought they meant football, so I didn’t bother. Christ, what an idiot.’
Annie smiled, ‘Is that you, or him?’
‘Both I suppose. Look, we really need to talk Annie. Let’s freshen up first and I’ll see you downstairs in the lounge in about ten minutes.’