First and Only: Callaghan Brothers, Book 2 (29 page)

Yet, despite the racking guilt, the afternoon had been therapeutic and long overdue.  After leaving Dr. McKenzie’s office, she sent Aidan away and visited the spa and salon.  Now she was waxed, exfoliated, plucked, and moisturized.  Her hair was trimmed and styled; her nails buffed, shaped, and polished.  She certainly felt more womanly than she had in quite a while, and she was going to need all the help she could get if she was to pull off her plan.

The foyer was illuminated only by the soft recessed lights, and she had to give her eyes a moment to adjust from the brighter lights of the outer entrance.  The penthouse was divided into two suites, both accessible by the key-driven elevator and secured private stairway.  Aidan’s was to the left; Lexi’s, to the right.

Lexi slid her digital key into the lock, not quite sure what she would find on the other side.  It was just around dinner time, and she was hoping to persuade Ian to order in tonight while she fed, bathed, and got Patrick settled in his bed.  Then, with any luck, she would feed, bathe, and
un
settle Ian in
her
bed afterward.

The spacious apartment was quiet.  Too quiet.  Like the foyer, the lights were dimmed.  The sound of her footsteps was practically nonexistent, absorbed by the plush carpet and double-padded underlay as she worked her way through the living area.  The soft, muted sounds of the flat screen in her room settled her nerves.  Ian was probably in there with Patrick sprawled out on his chest, two men bonding over ESPN SportsCenter. 

Kicking off her shoes, she stopped first at the kitchen to unload the bottles of milk she’d pumped throughout the day.  One thing about having such a ravenous child – her body was on full-scale dairy mode.  She’d learned quickly that her body was going to answer the call every two hours whether she was home or not, and ignoring it was the quickest way to aching boobs and drenched shirts.  Thankfully, there had been private areas at both of the places she’d visited, allowing her to keep herself on schedule and her dignity intact.

“I hope you haven’t eaten yet.”  Ian’s deep, velvety voice startled her. 

“I - I thought you were in the bedroom with Patrick.”

“I was.  He’s sound asleep.  You smell wonderful.”  Ian dipped his head down toward her neck and inhaled deeply.  Lexi fought the urge to bury her hands in his hair and hold him there.  A second later, he stepped back, as if he had realized what he had just done and regretted it.  “Have a good day?”

“Um...” she said, trying to focus on the question.  But Ian’s intimate little sniff had railroaded her thought processes, and left her freshly-waxed, sensitive womanly parts tingling intensely.  “I’m sorry.  What?”

That sexy half-smile of his – the one that devastated her every time – made her knees weak. 

“Did you have a good day?”  He took the miniature cooler from her and stacked the little bottles neatly on the shelf. 

“Yes,” she answered, regaining some of her poise, but not enough.  The sight of Ian’s delectable backside as he bent into the fridge was a major distraction.  Thinking about sex all day had definitely put her on edge.  Discreetly, she pressed her thighs together as she reached for a glass and held it under the drinking tap.  “I saw Dr. McKenzie today.”

“I thought that appointment wasn’t for another two weeks,” he said carefully.  “Are you having problems?”  Ian’s voice was too level, too neutral.  Undoubtedly, he already knew about the appointment. 
Aidan
.  Since when had he become Ian’s little narc?

“No, everything’s fine,” she assured him, but he probably already knew more about the results of her exam than she did.  She wondered if anything she and the doc had spoken about afterward was transcripted into her records anywhere.  “In fact, everything’s better than fine.”

“Is it now?”  Hunger warred with doubt in his eyes.

“Mmm-hmm,” she answered, working hard to keep up her courage, but it was hard.  Ian moved back, putting several feet between them, his body language guarded and closed.  She put her arms around herself, feeling a sudden chill.  “I thought maybe we could order dinner in tonight.  I could tell you what she said.  If you’re interested.”

“I’m interested,” he said, but his tone was not what she wanted to hear. 
I’m interested
, it said,
but it’s not going to change anything
.  Lexi’s chest started to ache a little. 

“Okay then.  If you don’t mind ordering, I’ll just go start getting Patrick’s bath ready...”

“He’s already had his bath.”

“Oh.  Well, I guess I could feed him, then.  It’s still a little early, but –“

“He just finished a bottle about fifteen minutes ago.  He’s good for a couple of hours.”

“Oh.”  Lexi was torn between feeling grateful for all that Ian had done and feeling a little disappointed that they had managed so well without her.

“He really missed you, though,” Ian said a little too quickly, no doubt spotting the moisture quickly accumulating in her eyes.  “He was a very unhappy camper there for a while, and completely skipped his afternoon nap.” 

She nodded, biting her lip.  That probably shouldn’t have made her feel as good as it did.  Still, if Patrick was all taken care of, then there was really no reason to delay.  If she could just get Ian interested...

Lexi stepped up behind him as he pulled the take-out menus from the neat little magnetized clip that hung on the side of the fridge.  She slipped her arms around him, laying her cheek against his back.  God, he felt so good.  So strong, so warm, so -

“What would you like?” Ian asked, picking up the phone, as she felt his entire body tense beneath her.  “Chinese, Indian, Italian, - ”

The shutdown was cold, complete.  Like someone had just flipped a switch.  Suddenly, Lexi wasn’t feeling quite so brave anymore.  She couldn’t do it.  Without Ian’s willing cooperation, this was not going to work. 

“Never mind,” Lexi said, dropping her arms and pulling away.  She wouldn’t be able to eat anything now anyway with the way her stomach was doing flips.  The intense swing of emotions – from pulsing lust and hunger and need to humiliation and regret and despair – was brutal, and once again she cursed her hormones and her totally messed-up body chemistry. 

She started shutting down, her natural defenses assuming control.  It was strange, really, how the numbness mixed in with the pain, a necessary dilution to keep her functioning.  Visions of how Ian had once looked at her shattered in her own mind, like pictures someone had thrown against the wall.  Oh, when she thought of the things he had done to her, the places he had taken her...  But that felt like an entirely different lifetime, and in a way, it was.  That was when Ian still thought of her as a healthy, vibrant, passionate woman. 

She wondered what he saw her as now, then decided it would probably hurt too much to know.  The bottom line:  Ian wasn’t interested.  He kept his distance.  Cringed when she got near him.  How could she tell him what the doctor said now?  How could she ask him to do any of those things when he couldn’t even stand her touch? 

“Lex, what’s wrong?”  Ian asked carefully.

“You know what?” she said, backing away slowly, her arms wrapped defensively in front of her.  “I - I’m really not hungry.” she answered dully.  “And I’m very tired, it’s been a long day.  I’m just going to check on Patrick and then go to bed.”

“Lex –“

“Goodnight, Ian.  Thanks for taking care of Patrick today.  I’ll take it from here.” 

Lexi forced herself to keep a steady pace as she walked back toward her room, refusing to look at the pillow and blanket neatly tucked and folded along the sofa.  Then she closed the door and locked it.  She wouldn’t be needing Ian’s help any more tonight.

* * *

I
an felt a shiver run through him.  That wasn’t Lexi’s voice.  It held no warmth, no affection whatsoever.  None of the love it normally did, and he didn’t like it.  Not at all.

Fuck.
  Ian wished he was on active duty at that moment, because he really wanted to kill something.  He was losing his mind trying to say and do the right thing, to not put any pressure on her, to not take advantage of her.  His body was going to explode if he didn’t get inside her soon.  And
still
he was screwing this up royally.  How the hell was he supposed to deal with this?

He simply wasn’t good at this kind of thing.  Taking out the enemy?  He was on it.  Cracking a system?  Nobody better.  Taking care of his woman?  Big, fat suck-fest on a stick. 

It took a while, but Ian finally came to a conclusion and began a deliberate march across the suite.  To hell with what he was
supposed
to do.  He was going to do what he
had
to do.  He reached out, twisted the knob, and – found the bedroom door locked. 

Well, that was a clear message there, wasn’t it?  It was the first time she’d done that, and it only strengthened his belief that he was doing the right thing.  Things were getting way out of control, the very thing he was hoping to avoid.  Within seconds, the lock was disabled and he was inside, poised to duck as he half-expected a solid object to come flying his way.

Nothing did.  She wasn’t even in the room.  The flat screen still droned on ESPN at a low murmur.  Patrick lay sleeping soundly in his crib, though Ian could see that Lexi must have picked him up.  The slightest tint of bronze was on his head where she had pressed her lips to him.

God, she had looked so beautiful standing there in the kitchen.  Her hair was shining and full, her skin radiant.  And, oh, did she smell good.  So good that he’d forgotten himself and gotten too close.  His chest ached, his arms burned with the need to hold her.

He barely heard it over the soft, muted sound of running water, as if... He listened closer, all doubt fleeing.  It was the sound of someone crying.  Into a towel by the muffled nature of it.

“Lex, open the door,” he commanded, his voice holding the edge of the panic he felt.  The door was locked; he raised his fist and pounded the side of it against the door.  “Jesus, Lex.  Open the goddamn door.”

He was just about to break the thing down when he heard the soft click and she opened it a few inches.  Huge eyes, rimmed in red, her dark liner smudged, looked up at him and his heart broke.  Because those once-glowing amber eyes were cold.  Dead.

After a brief hesitation, the door opened a little wider.  “Lex, I –“

“One of us needs to leave.”

A bomb went off in his head somewhere, and he was only vaguely aware of the shrapnel raining down within his mind, shredding what little was left of his sanity.  Surely he’d heard wrong.  “What?”

“You heard me.  This is not working, and I can’t do this anymore.  It’s not fair to either one of us.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Lexi opened the door and stepped into his body, pressing her breasts against his hard chest, weaving her hands up around the back of his neck, tangling her fingers in his hair.  For a moment, for one glorious moment, his hands went around her waist and onto her butt, his hips grinding against hers.  Then his eyes snapped open, his hands gripped her shoulders and pushed her back about six inches.

Lexi let her hands drop, and Ian realized that he had done exactly what she had expected him to. 

“
That’s
what I’m talking about.”  She stepped back, twisting away from his hands.  “We’ll have to work out something.”

“Damn straight.”  Working something out together sounded good to him, because he wasn’t doing so well on his own.

“I’ll take nights, you take days.”

“What?”

“With Patrick.  Assuming you want to.  You do want to spend time with your son, don’t you?”

“What kind of a question is that?  Of course I do.”

“Good.  You can have him during the day, which will work out quite well, actually, because I need to start working again.”

“You’re not going back to work.”

“Fuck.  You.  I’m not asking.  I’ll work mornings and afternoons, then we’ll switch.  You’re planning on heading back to Pine Ridge, right?” 

Ian couldn’t answer; he could only stare at her, stunned.  Where the hell was all this coming from?

She didn’t wait for him to respond.  “Look, I know your life is there.  I get that.  And I would never keep you from Patrick, so this is the only way I can see making it work,” she continued.  “You have your place at the Pub, you work nights.  I’ll get a job at Francesco’s and live in my grandmother’s house.  Assuming Uncle Jack didn’t sell it, that is.”

“He didn’t.”  Ian’s lips thinned.  No, his father hadn’t sold it.  He’d given it to Ian, and Ian lived there now.  So it was all good.  “You’ll live with me, where I can take care of you. 
Both
of you.”

“At the risk of repeating myself - fuck you.”

Ian growled, the sound originating from somewhere around his navel and building as it rose up through his chest.  His muscles strained with tension, his jaw clenched, and he went utterly, unnaturally still. 

“Once we’re married –“

Lexi’s eyes widened.  “Wake up, Ian.  I am not marrying you.”

Another bomb went off, this time in his chest.  “Of course you are.  Patrick - ”

“- is our son,” she completed for him.  “And he deserves the love and attention of both of his parents, and he’ll have that.”

“You’re right about that.  And you
will
marry me.”  Ian thought about the ring that he still carried in his pocket, just as he had every day since he bought it.  Damn it, he hadn’t wanted it to come out this way, but there really was no choice here.  There never had been any doubt in his mind, not since she first fell asleep on his arm on that God-forsaken bus.

“No, Ian, I won’t.” 

“You need me.” 
Please, God, let that be true
, he prayed
.
  He needed it to be true, because he couldn’t live without her.

Lexi softened her tone, as Ian had softened his.  “Patrick needs his father.”

“And what about you, Lex?  What do you need?”

Her arms wrapped around her mid-section as if she was trying to hold herself together.  She bit her lip while he held his breath, wanting to hear her answer and dreading it at the same time.  When she spoke, her voice was barely more than a whisper.  “I need a man who will love me the same way that I love him – with every last piece of my heart, my mind, and my soul.”