First and Only: Callaghan Brothers, Book 2 (30 page)

Relief flooded his chest.  “Lex, I do love you like that.  I swear to God – “

She held up her hand to stop him from saying anything further, the look in her eyes so pained he felt it acutely in his chest.  “No, Ian, you don’t.  Because there is nothing in this world or any other that could ever keep me out of your arms or your bed as long as you wanted me there.”

Ian felt like an eighteen-wheeler had just hit him head-on.  “You think I don’t want you?  Jesus Christ, Lexi, it’s killing me not to wrap myself around you and bury myself deep inside you till you don’t know anything but me.”

“Then why don’t you?” she asked, her voice rising.  “Do you have any idea how hard it is to have you shrink away at my slightest touch?  To lie awake all night, thinking of nothing but being in your arms, and hearing you pacing in the next room because you can’t stand to be near me?  To know that every time you look at me, all you can see is the ugliness inside of me?”  Tears fell freely over her cheeks.  “Is that how you love me, Ian?”

“I can’t hurt you again!” he yelled.  “I won’t!”

“You didn’t hurt me, Ian.  That was all
my
fault.  And I wanted it, all of it.  I still do.  The only way you can hurt me is by turning away from me now.  Please, Ian.  I need you to hold me.  I need to feel your heart beating against mine.” 

More than anything, Ian wanted to take her into his arms and show her exactly how much she meant to him, but his legs wouldn’t move.  As much as his heart cried out for her, his brain still flashed visions of her lying in that hospital bed, looking like she’d been tortured.  What if he lost control again?  He couldn’t take the chance.

Very quietly, Lexi nodded, a silent affirmation that her worst fears had been realized.  Her hands dropped to her sides.  With slow, heavy movements, she walked around him to the crib where Patrick was now crying.  Lifting him up to her, she padded toward the door and out into the softly lit hallway.  She paused, but did not turn around. 

“I’m sorry, Ian,” she whispered softly.  “But I want a husband, not a housemate.”  Then she was gone.

“F
rancesco D’Armini?” Aidan said in disbelief as the private limo crossed the Maryland/Pennsylvania border.  “Why don’t you just plunge the knife into my back again and twist a little harder?” 

“We’ve been over this, Aidan.  Patrick needs to be near his father,” she said wearily.

“So he can’t move to Benton?”

“I don’t want him in Benton.  He has a life here – a home, a job, a family.  If he came to Benton he’d expect to move in with me, and that is so not happening.”

“You don’t think he’s going to want to live with you here?” Aidan asked, shaking his head.  “I thought you were smarter than that, Lex.”

“There’s no reason for him to,” she sniffed.  “And he’s already agreed to move back to the Pub.”  Lexi had made it a condition of her and Patrick’s permanent relocation to Pine Ridge.  Ian would get to spend every day with his son, and she wouldn’t have to deal with his rejection.

Aidan snorted.  “You haven’t actually signed anything with Francesco yet, have you?”

“No.  I was planning to talk to him once we got settled.”

“Do me a favor, will you?  Don’t call Francesco just yet.”

“Why not?” 

“I’ve got an idea.  Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.”

“What idea?”

He sighed heavily.  “Lex, we have always been there for each other, haven’t we?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Then please, just do this for me.”

“Alright, Aidan.  I’ll wait.  But I do wish you’d tell me what’s going on in that devious mind of yours.”

Aidan smiled and patted her hand.  “Soon, Lex.  Soon.”

––––––––

T
hree Months Later, Fourth of July, County Fair, Pine Ridge, PA

“Wow, he’s pretty fast for a six-month old,” Lina commented as Patrick made his way across the huge quilt spread out under the massive shade trees on his hands and knees, trying to get to his slightly older, larger cousins.  Lina’s and Stacey’s sons were about the same age.  Keely’s twin boys were just a bit younger, but nearly as large, and seemed to have adopted Patrick as one of their own. 

“Yeah, he is,” laughed Lexi.  “He started crawling at five months, and he hasn’t stopped since.  I’m just glad he’s got more of his father in him than me,” she added as Lina’s son reached out to grab Patrick and he tumbled, laughing hysterically.

“I don’t know,” said Stacey, offering Lexi some iced tea.  “I think his mom is pretty strong, too.”

“I’m getting there,” Lexi said.  “But I have to thank you guys for that.”  Moving back to Pine Ridge had its share of challenges, but the close camaraderie and friendship of these ladies had been a godsend.

“You’re starting your new treatments soon, right?”  Keely asked.

Lexi nodded.  “Monday.”

“Want me to watch the little guy?” Taryn asked, cradling her newborn daughter. 

“Thanks, but he’ll be with Ian.”

As one, four sets of female eyes turned on her.  “Ian’s not going with you?” Keely asked quietly.

“No, why would he?” Lexi said defensively.  The last thing Ian needed was daily, blatant reminders of her condition.  He already treated her as if she was made of spun glass.

The other women exchanged glances.  “You shouldn’t have to do this alone, Lex.”

“I’m going with her,” Stacey spoke up.  “She won’t be alone.” 

Lexi gave her a grateful look.  Stacey understood her better than anybody, having gone through her own personal medical crisis.  Her husband, however, had dealt with things better than Ian apparently. 

“Maybe you could ask Johnny to talk to him, Stace,” Lina suggested.  “After all, you went through something similar –“

“Me and Michael, too,” said Keely, nodding her head.  “But then we talked it out and –“ 

Taryn snorted.  “Yeah, you guys
talked
long and loud.  Repeatedly, from what you told me at the Christmas party.”  With only a slight tinge of color to her cheeks, Keely grinned from ear to ear.  She loved her big, physical husband, and made no secret of the fact.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Lexi said, suddenly feeling very awkward among these happily married women. From the other side of the grove, she saw Ian and his brothers moving toward them.  It took a little bit to get to her feet.  When she scooped up Patrick, she tried unsuccessfully to hide her grimace.

“Here,” Lina said, grabbing Patrick until Lexi could right herself.  “You’re not leaving, are you?  It’s almost dark – the fireworks will be starting soon.  Boy, he’s a big one, isn’t he?”

“Don’t go, Lex,” Stacey said.  “Watch the ‘works with us.  Best show ever.” 

“She’s not kidding,” Lina laughed.  “But that’s what happens when you get a computer genius and a few demolition experts together, huh.”

Lexi shot another look toward the men who were closing the distance quickly.  From where she stood, she could see Ian hardening himself, the way he always did when he got close to her.  They rarely spoke at all anymore unless it was to share information about Patrick, though the very air between them practically crackled with electricity.  It made it uncomfortable for everyone.

“Maybe next time,” she said, forcing a little smile as she took back her child.  There was no way she was going to ruin this for everyone.  “Thanks, girls.  This was fun.”

They watched in silence as Lexi made her way across the fields, her steps deliberate and methodical, as if each one was a tremendous effort. 

“Hey, the fireworks will be starting soon!” Jake announced, as the men returned from the initial setup.  His gaze followed Taryn’s.  “Is that Lex?”

“Yeah.”  There was an awful lot in that one little word.  They watched as she disappeared behind the booths.

“Well?” Taryn asked, turning to her brother-in-law and poking him in the chest. 

“Well what?” Ian looked down at her, his expression hard, as if he could scare her into holding her tongue.  It didn’t work.

“Aren’t you going to go after her?”

“No,” he said flatly.  “Why would I?”

“How can you be so cold?” asked Taryn. A few seconds later, under the combined, disapproving stares of his family, Ian turned and walked off in the other direction.

“Talk to him, Jake,” Taryn pleaded.

“Don’t you think I’ve tried?”

“We all have, Tar,” Johnny said quietly.  “He won’t listen.  He thinks he’s protecting her, and nothing any of us say or do is going to change his mind.”

* * *

T
hree Months Later, October

Ian looked at the ancient wall clock in the Pub kitchen.  It had advanced three whole minutes since the last time he checked, which, he decided, was physically impossible since at least two hours must have passed.  Patrick chattered happily in his high chair, telling a long-winded tale in mumbles and grunts to Taryn and Jake’s daughter Riley, who was mesmerized.  Riley had deep, violet eyes, just like her mom, and they were focused solely on her playmate.  The two had become inseparable, each happy when in the other’s presence.  It made for some pretty easy days.

Lexi was late picking Patrick up.  Again.  Okay, so technically she wasn’t late.  She was supposed to pick him up by six p.m., and it was five forty-five.  But she used to come over by five o’clock to chat and have coffee with Taryn, and this was the third night in a row she hadn’t. 

Ian missed her terribly.  He looked forward to that hour at the end of the day, when Lexi was ending her work day and before he started his shift at the bar.  Other than a quick greeting and an exchange of Patrick-related information, they didn’t speak much to each other directly.  Their relationship, if you could call it that, had been reduced to little else. 

But for that one hour he would find some reason to hang around, just so he could look at her, to know that she was safe and well.  He could listen to her voice as she spoke with everyone else and hear a little bit about her day, what was going on in her life.  That precious hour was the only thing that made his life bearable, got him through from one day to the next.  He loved their son, treasured the time he spent with him, but without Lexi by his side, he felt as if part of him – the biggest, best part – was simply missing.  It was the price he paid, every day, to keep her safe.  From him.

During the day, at least, he had Patrick.  They did all kinds of things together.  Evenings he worked the bar, so that provided a little bit of a distraction.  Nights were the worst.  He would lie there, staring at the ceiling, remembering what it felt like to have her body snuggled against him, warming him.  To hear her little sighs as she dreamed.  To bury his head in her hair and smell the fresh, musky scent of her, knowing that with little more than a soft touch she would open for him, cradling his body with her own.

At night, he allowed himself to let go, to dream and remember.  But it was all he could allow.  The reality was that with a word from him, she would give him everything, without hesitation, without regard to herself.  Ian knew this.  It was exactly why he had to be the one to protect her and keep her safe, because she would never put herself or her needs above his own.

At least she seemed to be going on with her life, which was both a blessing and a curse.  Ian wanted her to be happy, but he wished he could be the one making her that way. 

She had a lot going on.  She was on that new, experimental treatment plan.  She didn’t talk about it much when he was around, but he knew it was brutal.  For several hours each week she was hooked up to a machine that basically filtered her blood and reintroduced it back into her body with plant-based additives that were supposed to be well-tolerated.  Michael described it as a type of “organic chemo” that was supposed to stimulate her natural body chemistry to start creating the clotting factors on its own. 

Ian wanted to go with her to the treatments, but she had vehemently opposed that idea.  The first couple of times he found himself at the hospital anyway, sitting outside the treatment room and waiting, blending into the shadows when she was wheeled in or out.  But then she’d spotted him and pitched such a fit that he reluctantly agreed to stay away.

Renovations were an ongoing thing at the house, too, and that was certainly keeping her busy. 

If that wasn’t enough, Aidan had secured  property on the mountain – Ian still wasn’t sure how he’d managed that – and was in the process of building what promised to be his finest restaurant yet.  From what Ian had gleaned, it was to be built in the style of an ancient Greek temple, built right into the mountainside itself, affording diners a spectacular view of the valley below.  With aggressive plans to open for New Year’s, it was being touted as the number one most sought-after reservation on the East Coast, with a waiting list already a mile long. 

Yes, Lexi’s life was full.  And his... not so much.  He’d withdrawn.  His family didn’t try to talk much to him anymore, knowing they wouldn’t get a response.  He loved Patrick, loved spending the days with him.  But the time he loved most of all?  The time that made him feel the most alive?  The one hour when he, Lexi, and Patrick were all together, in the same room, at the same time.  Like a real family. 

Only she was late. 
Again
.  His hour – the one chance he had to be with her - had now been reduced to ten minutes.

Taryn shot him another glance as she placed a handful of Cheerios in front of Patrick.  He grabbed them with his chubby hand and held them out to Riley.  “You’re pacing again.”

“Is there something I should know about?”  Ian stopped pacing and looked directly at her. 

Taryn looked away, avoiding the question.  “Why do you ask?” 

“Lexi’s late again.”

“She’s not late.  She’s just not as early as she usually is.  Look, I’ve got things covered here.  Why don’t you just go on in and help Jake?”

Ian’s eyes narrowed.  Not only was she avoiding his gaze, she was trying to get rid of him.    “What are you not telling me, Taryn?”

She didn’t answer, busying herself with cleaning up.  “Why is she late?” he asked again.

“Why do you care?”  She threw back at him.  “God, Ian.  You act like you’re married or something.”  It was a direct hit, a knife in an open, festering wound.