Flaw Less (3 page)

“I'm a nurse, Kina. What else would you expect?”

Lawson poured a glass of tea. “How are your counseling sessions coming, Kina?”

“Everything is fine,” she answered quickly and turned her attention to Reginell. “You must've spent all day in the kitchen whipping this up for everyone, Reggie. That was very sweet of you to do.”

Reginell began clearing dishes off of the table. “Thanks. You want me to wrap up a plate for Kenny, Kina?”

“God, no!” shrieked Sullivan. “He's only twelve. His stomach can't digest that!”

“Forget you, Sully,” grumbled Reginell and plunked down in her seat with a pout.

Angel chuckled at the two of them. “Is everything still going well for you with school, Kina?”

Kina nodded. “It's great. The professors are so kind and helpful. Everybody is really sweet. They all go out of their way to make you feel at home.”

Lawson stood up to close the blinds to block out the lightning. “I'm glad you're enjoying it. I know you were a little apprehensive about returning to school to earn your degree after being out of the loop for so long.”

“Yeah, well, E'Bell's gone now, and Kenny spends most of his time at school with his friends, or at Lawson's with Garrett and Namon. I needed something to keep me busy. I'm just thankful that Sullivan convinced Charles to give me a shot at this new job.”

Sullivan declined taking the credit for it. “It didn't take much convincing. Even I have to admit that you're good at what you do, Kina. Lord knows somebody as holy as you will fit right in over there.” Sullivan took a sip of her tea. “Plus, you can be my eyes and ears. It's always good to have an insider.”

Kina was concerned. “Why would you need an insider? You think somebody is over there stealing the church's money?”

“I wouldn't be surprised,” Sullivan deadpanned. “And it's no secret that more than a few of those lonely witches over there would like to steal my husband!”

“That's a switch,” noted Angel. “It wasn't that long ago that you were practically giving him away.”

“That was the
old
Sullivan,” declared the first lady. “The
new
Sullivan adores her husband and is the paradigm of fidelity, sanctimony, and . . . any of those other words that people should use to describe Mount Zion's first lady.”

Lawson rolled her eyes. “Sullivan, you know
exactly
what words people use to describe Mount Zion's first lady. Most of them can't be said in front of children.”

Sullivan frowned. “So I had an affair—big whoop.”

“You didn't just have an affair. You had a sex tape,” clarified Reginell.

“That was blasted all over the Internet,” remarked Kina.

“And cost your husband his bid for county commissioner, not to mention made him a laughingstock for months,” added Angel, contributing her two cents.

“We've work through all that,” retorted Sullivan with conviction. Her confidence faltered after a few seconds. “We're trying to anyway.”

“Well, he stood before the entire congregation to publicly forgive you and ask the church to accept you back in,” recalled Kina. “He didn't have to do that. I think it shows just how much Charles loves you and wants to make the marriage work.”

“I don't know,” began Lawson. “I don't think marriage ought to be looked upon as work. It's supposed to be a blessing. I mean, look at Garrett and me. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.”

“That's because you've only been married six months,” replied Sullivan. “Let's have this conversation five years from now when you're studying episodes of
CSI
to see how you can kill him in his sleep and get away with it.”

Lawson shook her head. “When you're married to the one God intended you to be with, you don't have those kinds of thoughts; at least I won't.”

Sullivan rolled her eyes. “Not to sprinkle any rain on your delusional parade, Sister Banks, but I believe the Bible says, ‘Don't boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.' No marriage is written in heaven, not even yours.”

Lawson was undeterred. “Sullivan, when Garrett and I took those vows, we meant them. Divorce and failure just simply aren't an option.”

“
Humph!
” Sullivan laughed a little. “Ignorance is bliss.”

“I can't attest to ignorance, but my marriage sure is,” boasted Lawson. “I thank God for Garrett every chance I get.”

Angel agreed. “Thank Him, girl, because you know there was a time when we weren't so sure we were gonna be able to get the two of you down that aisle!”

“Thanks to your big-mouthed sister over here,” mumbled Sullivan.

“It's not Reggie's fault,” protested Lawson. “All she did was tell Mark the truth. I should've told Mark we had a teenage son together after we first reconnected, and I definitely shouldn't have let him come between Garrett and me. All that's in the past now. Mark and Namon are closer than ever, and Garrett and Mark are getting along now that Mark has stopped obsessing over me. All's well that ends well.”

“Now that
Mark's
stopped obsessing?” echoed Reginell. “I believe the ‘obsessing' was mutual, dear sister.”

Lawson bristled at the notion. “My obsession with Mark ended right around the time I was in the delivery room screaming at the top of my lungs while Namon clawed his way out of my sixteen-year-old uterus. Anyway, I married Garrett, didn't I? His proposal is the one I accepted, not Mark's.”

“Can you all believe what a crazy year and a half it's been?” asked Kina, thinking back on everything they'd been through. “Between Kenny killing E'Bell, Sullivan getting outted on the Internet, Angel reuniting with Duke, and Lawson's battle with Mark over Namon, it's a wonder we've made it through in one piece!”

“It's no wonder, Kina. The Lord brought us through, pure and simple,” attested Lawson. “There's no way we could've survived all that without Him.”

“Tell it, girl,” affirmed Angel.

“But you know what?” Lawson went on. “I'm grateful for the trials and everything we've gone through. It's made us all stronger in our walk with the Lord, in our friendship, and made us stronger as women. 1 Peter 1:7 says, ‘These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.' So I praise him, y'all! I have a level of faith and endurance that I've never had before and that I don't think I would have if I wasn't forced to lean on God to get me through. We need to count it all joy, even when we suffer through hard times because it's those experiences that God uses to make us better and more mature Christians. We also have to remember that whatever we go through isn't just for us; it's also so we can help and encourage someone else.”

“That's true,” said Angel. “Believe it or not, Sullivan, you and Charles are part of the reason I was able to accept Duke's proposal. I didn't think I could trust him again after he cheated on me with Theresa and walked out on our marriage. Seeing how forgiving and loving Charles was toward you helped give me the strength I needed to move past that. It also showed me that a marriage can not only overcome something as devastating as infidelity but can also be stronger as a result.

“And, Lawson, watching the way Garrett is with Namon—the way he treats him like he's his own child—made it a lot easier to love Theresa's daughters like they are my own, unconditionally.”

“We can't deny it, ladies. God has been good to all of us,” affirmed Lawson. “Even when times are hard, He still works things out for the good of those who love Him. The devil intended all of those trials to break us and to make us give up. God used those same trials for us to build one another up.”

Kina swelled with pride. “Well said, cousin.”

“At least it's been relatively calm for the past few months,” noted Reginell. “Everybody is doing well. Lawson is trying her best to stay off my back about stripping.”

“Lawson staying off your back isn't the problem. It's
you
we need to stay off your back,” added Sullivan.

“Sully, do you
really
want to go there?” asked Angel.

Remembering her own dirty dalliances, Sullivan retreated into silence.

“It's a little scary, though,” admitted Angel.

Reginell began tinkering with her cell phone. “What is?”

“The calm. It makes you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.”

Lawson peered out of the window. “Well, you know what they say . . . Either you're going through a storm, coming out of one, or are about to enter one.”

Just then, a loud clap of thunder and blinding flash of lightning shook the room, causing the lights to flicker. The ladies exchanged troubled glances with one another, wondering if it really had been the calm before one heck of a storm.

—
Kina Battle

 

 

Kina came home to an empty apartment after leaving Reginell's. Kenny was spending the night with Namon at Lawson's house, and she would be spending the night alone with her thoughts, painful memories, and loneliness.

She slipped out of her shoes, unfastened the belt that was restricting her stomach, and felt like herself again. Sometimes it was exhausting to keep up the fa- çade for her friends, like everything was fine in her life, but it was easier than having them worry about her or worse—feel sorry for her. Yes, she was proud to be back in school, and she knew the change of employment would do her good, but those were outward things. Inwardly, not much had changed. She was no longer at the mercy of her husband's fist, and she had the freedom to do what she pleased, but she still struggled with her demons; only now, external demons had been replaced by internal ones.

Kina checked her voice mail messages. There was only one from her therapist reminding her that she'd missed three appointments in a row and that it had been two months since her last session. Kina pressed delete before hearing the rest of the message.

“What good is all that psychobabble doing me if I'm still in the same state I was in a year ago?” she wondered. “I'm still sad, still lonely, still broke. There's no point in wasting the good doc's time or any more of my money on therapy.”

Kina picked up her and E'Bell's framed prom picture, still holding its place on her mother's hand-me-down curio. She remembered with misty eyes how happy they were that night. Back then, she couldn't have imagined a future without him. Now, she had no choice in the matter. She sighed and put the picture back in its designated space.

It was times like this that it was tempting to miss E'Bell. Certainly not the abuse or the assaults on her self-esteem, but having someone—anyone—there waiting for her to come home would've been nice.

Kina recalled how, following E'Bell's passing, people told her she would feel a range of emotions from anger and resentment to crushing grief. Even her therapist had warned her about intense feelings of loneliness and mixed emotions about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband.

“But nobody told me it would be like this,” she said aloud. There was no one else to confide in, so Kina turned to God. “I guess it's just you and me tonight, Lord,
yet again
.”

Without Kenny there, the silence in the house was palpable. She could hear every drip from the leaky faucet, each clank from the old plumbing, even the creaking of the tattered sofa whenever she sat down on it was a constant reminder that she was utterly alone.

“Lord, I know E'Bell wasn't in the running for winning the
Husband of the Year
award. There were times when he made me laugh, and he was a source of companionship.”

Kina looked around her empty apartment. Funny, it seemed so small when she, E'Bell, and Kenny were all crammed in there. There were many times that the wood-paneled walls felt like they were closing in on her. Now, it seemed like a huge vacuum of desolate space full of borrowed and broken furniture. It struck her as strange that two years ago, she longed for the peace and quiet she now resented.

She picked up her NIV Bible lying next to the telephone. After flipping through a few passages, her eyes fell on the first six words of Proverbs 6:25: “Do not lust in your heart.” She cringed and tossed the Bible aside. She felt convicted, knowing that the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John she wanted couldn't be found between those sheets.

Kina loved the Lord with her whole heart, but there was a void in her life that not even the most powerful scripture could fill at times like this. As much as she loved her son, Kenny couldn't fill it either. Lord willing, Kenny would only get older, more independent. Within a couple of years, he'd be in high school, and off to college within a few more. Then she'd really be alone. Kina had her friends and her church, but what about the midnight hour when the doors of the church were locked and her friends were snuggled up next to husbands of their own?

Deep down, Kina knew what her real problem was. Even though she'd never admit out loud, Sullivan had voiced it in jest several times before.

“Kina, you just need some
male
in your life, and I don't mean the kind that comes stamped in long envelopes either!” Sullivan had declared.

Of course, Kina rebuked the notion, followed by scriptural quotes about sexual purity and the marriage bed being undefiled. It made her feel like a hypocrite because inside, she was siding with Sullivan. Kina wasn't a nymphomaniac by any stretch of the imagination, but she did long to be kissed, held, touched, and to feel the weight of a man on her own body.

“God, is it wrong to feel this way?” she asked. “Loving you is supposed to be enough, so why doesn't it feel like it? I'm tired of pretending I don't want a man in my life and like I'm not a real flesh-and-blood woman. While my sex life with E'Bell wasn't the best, it did exist, which is more than I can say for my current situation.

“You said you'd send us a comforter,” she quietly prayed. “So where is mine? Lord, I've tried to do right by you. I've done everything you've asked us to do in your Word. I've shown love to people, I've stayed away from sin and fornication, I go to church, and I tithe. I even started losing weight and taking better care of my body like you told me to. What more do I have to do before you do your part? You said whatever we ask for in Jesus' name, we shall receive if we're obedient and have faith. Well, I've been asking, Lord. When will it be due season for me? When will my harvest come?”

Kina checked the time. It was only 9:00
P.M.
, but she figured she might as well turn in early. There was no point in staying up and being tortured by depression and disappointment. She turned off the light in her living room and prepared to take a cold shower and crawl into bed alone.

As she peeled off her clothes, Kina caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror attached to her dresser. “Maybe it's time to add a little ‘work' to my faith,” she uttered, looking at her body in the mirror. She pinched her plump cheeks to bring needed color to her olive skin. She sucked in her pudgy stomach as best she could for a more flattering profile. “After all, the Lord helps those who help themselves, right?” She tried to rake her pageboy haircut into different positions to give it an edgier look.

Not that she possessed a sense of entitlement, but Kina did feel like, as a child of the King, she should be able to get at least a few of the things she wanted out of life. Considering that God had promised to bless exceedingly, abundantly beyond anything she could imagine, she didn't think a husband for herself and a father for Kenny was asking too much.