Following Your Heart (27 page)

“I'm sorry if this is inappropriate,” he said. “But I simply have to speak with you. First of all, my name is James.”

“I know,” Teresa said. “You'd better tell me what you want to say. Susan is waiting.”

“Susan can wait,” he muttered. “It may be hard for me to get a second chance to speak with you, so I plan to take my time.”

“Why are you watching me all the time?” Teresa asked.

“Because I care about you,” he admitted. “And especially about this Yost Byler situation.”

Teresa stumbled over her words. “Thank you, James. But I'm a young, unwed woman with a child. Your people are doing the best they can for me.”

“I don't think I agree with that,” he responded.

“I think it's nice that you have a soft spot in your heart for the poor
Englisha
woman who plans to marry Yost Byler. But there's nothing that can be done. This is what's best and what I deserve.”

He didn't say anything for a long time. “You aren't who they think you are, Teresa,” he finally said.

Teresa wouldn't look at him. “I…I…really should go,” she said. “Talking to me will only cause trouble for you. I don't want that. And it could mean worse trouble for me. They might not allow me to join the community. Your father wouldn't allow it. And the ministers and Menno and Anna support the arrangement with Yost. It's the only way for me to stay, James.”

“But you deserve better than Yost Byler!” he protested.

“Why don't you tell me how else it might be done?” she said. “You're Amish. You know the rules better than I do. You know how the ministers—and your dad—feel.”

He fell into silence again.

She moved closer to him.

“Is it really that important to you?” he asked. “That you join the community? Is it because of your son?” He searched for her face in the darkness, and this time she turned her head toward him, the light from the house playing on her damp cheeks.

“I would do anything for Samuel,” she said, her voice choking.

“Is it that bad out there, out in the world?” he asked. “Bad enough to marry Yost Byler so you can stay here?”

She was silent for a few seconds before saying, “Yes.”

“I'm sorry it's so hard for you,” he said, his hand touching his hat. “I only wanted to know for sure. I've thought about this… about some things. There is another way out, Teresa. I am willing to help you.”

“I thank you for the thoughts and effort, but there really is nothing you can do.”

James looked at the moon and then turned his gaze back to Teresa. He looked directly into her eyes. “I am willing to take you home on Sunday nights—to be your boyfriend, to be whatever you call it in the
Englisha
world. Then once you are baptized, you can do as you wish.”

“You would play with my heart, James?” Teresa responded. “You would deceive the ministers with such a trick?”

“
Nee
, Teresa,” he protested. “I play with no one's heart. But neither do I ask for promises from girls who say they have no choices.”

Teresa gathered herself. “I can't do it. That's all there is to it. There would only be trouble, and I cannot have more trouble.”

“Hey!” He laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “Things get a little boring around here anyway, so what's wrong with a little excitement? I can handle it.”

“Perhaps you can, but I can't,” she said, turning to go. “I have my son to think about. I won't forget your kindness though.”

“Teresa!” he exclaimed, but she was already on her way back to the buggy.

He leaned against the wooden fence, resting his full weight on the top rail.
Well, that went really well
, he told himself.
What a tumble fingers I am with girls. I can't do anything right.

S
usan followed the line of buggies out to the main road, her hands clinging to the reins as she held Toby back. Just shy of the turn, he reared. In the darkness of the buggy, Teresa clutched her shawl and sobbed.

“What a nasty boy!” Susan stated. “I think our men are nothing but a big, grand mess. The nerve of him! I'm sure several boys walking past saw him talking with you.”

“James didn't do anything wrong,” Teresa defended, sniffling. “He was trying to help. And I'm sorry if you think I was out of line, but I needed to hear what he had to say and make myself clear to him.”

“And are things clear now?” Susan asked.

“I'm afraid not,” Teresa said, starting to sob again. “It's a lot worse than I imagined.”

“What did James say?” Susan asked. “Will you tell me or do I have to go back and ask him myself?”

“That's the last thing I want to talk about right now,” Teresa said. “I want to forget all about it. I know now I should have listened to you and never even looked at him.”

“If you don't tell me,” Susan warned, “I really am going back to ask James.”

“He offered to see me, to take me home on Sunday nights,” she whispered. “That's what he said. James said I didn't have to go through with the marriage to Yost.”

“Like he's going to prevent it?” Susan snapped. “So did his
daett
okay this little scheme of his?”

“I asked him the same thing—or something like it,” Teresa said. “He didn't say anything.”

“That takes the cake and the frosting,” Susan said. “I can't believe this. So James is attracted to you, and you obviously are to him or you wouldn't have gone to speak with him. I sure hope you didn't give James encouragement.”

“None at all,” Teresa said, a catch in her voice.

Susan made the next turn, leaving the last buggy behind them. Toby slowed down. Taking both reins in one hand, she wrapped her arm around Teresa's shoulder. “I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I'm mad at James, at his
daett
, at my
mamm
and
daett
, at the situation. But what
gut
does getting angry do?”

Teresa wiped her eyes. “It's my own fault that I'm attracted to him, Susan. You know that's the real problem. James is only feeling sorry for me.”

“Well, I don't blame you,” Susan said. “Not that I find him attractive. But anything would be better than Yost Byler. But you do know we have to tell
Mamm
and
Daett
about your conversation.”

“No, Susan, you can't!” Teresa wailed. “It's too embarrassing.”

“It may be,” Susan said. “But they will understand. What they won't understand is when this rumor comes floating back to them and they don't know anything about it. And believe me, it will. James was completely out of line talking to you like that—out where everyone could see both of you.”

“But it was dark!” Teresa protested.

“People figure things out,” Susan said. “It's not that hard. If James had anything decent to say, he could have said it in front of me.”

“Will you please tell your mom and dad when I'm not around?” Teresa begged. “I don't think I can stand admitting this in front of them.”

“If you want me to, but they have to be told. That is, if you are to stay in the community. Did you give James any encouragement?” she asked again.

“I didn't,” Teresa said weakly. “And I don't think he can read my heart.”

“I don't think he can either,” Susan said as the horse settled into a slow trot. “What a glorious mess. Are you ready now to go back to Asbury Park?”

“I'll never be ready to go back—you know that,” Teresa said.

They drove in silence, surrounded only by the soft hoofbeats of Toby and the steady crunch of buggy wheels on gravel. Susan pushed open the buggy door and leaned out to look at the star-speckled sky. Teresa did the same on her side. When the moment had passed, they sat straight in their seats, the doors still open as they watched the low clouds before them scurry across the horizon.

“This is what I missed when I lived in Asbury Park,” Susan said, her voice low. “These quiet moments when a person feels so close to the land that it takes on a life of its own. It's almost as if there are whispers on the night air that speak to my soul about deep things too hard to place into words. This is when the heavens are a sound that roars in my ears. Here, in this country, life is never really silent.”

“I didn't know you thought such things,” Teresa said. “You say it well. Much better than I could. Can you understand why I don't want to leave?”

“Yes. I guess I was foolish to try to convince you to go, but surely there is something like this elsewhere in the world?”

“I've been in the world, Susan,” Teresa said. “And, no, there's nothing like it.”

“But there are millions and millions of people and places. We can't be the only ones who feel like this.”

“Well, I never met any of them who did where I grew up,” Teresa asserted.

The buggy wheels rattled on through the night, the light from the Hostetler living room window soon glimmering in the distance.

“Will your parents ask me to leave,” Teresa asked, “when you tell them about James?”

“Of course not, Teresa,” Susan replied. “They like you.”

“You've been wrong before,” Teresa reminded her. “About me… about the people in the Amish community.”

“Perhaps,” Susan admitted. “But I'm not wrong this time. I'll leave with you myself if they ask you to go.”

“I don't want people sacrificing themselves for me,” Teresa said. “And I wish James would understand that. I want to be left in peace with Yost.”

“I will tell them, and they'll be okay with it,” Susan assured her again as she turned Toby into the driveway.

Teresa climbed down when the buggy came to a stop and helped to unhitch.

Susan took the horse into the barn with her flashlight, looking back over her shoulder at Teresa standing beside the buggy gazing up at the stars.

The poor girl
, she thought.
Why couldn't everyone leave well enough alone?
The truth was, she couldn't either. It simply was too hard to watch. It was too much of a shame. James really wasn't having that different a reaction from what she had herself. James's interest was just more explosive.

And she really couldn't blame James for his interest. Teresa was a nice girl. Anyone could see that she had a heart of gold. But then perhaps they did see, and were as unable to do something about it as she was. James was trying but sure wasn't helping. He was only making things worse. Much worse.

Susan pulled the harness off Toby and hung it on the wall. Slapping the horse on his rump, she shooed him into his stall, made sure he had some hay, and then left, shutting the barn door behind her.

“There!” Susan said, returning to where Teresa was still watching the stars. “All done. We can go inside now.”

“It's so beautiful out here,” Teresa said. “I could stay out all night.”

“My guess is Samuel will be more than glad to see you,” Susan reminded her.

“He's probably soundly sleeping, the little darling,” Teresa said as she followed Susan across the dark lawn. “He likes his bottle more all the time.”

“He
is
growing up fast,” Susan acknowledged, holding the door open while Teresa entered. They pulled off their shawls and bonnets, hanging them in the closet.
Mamm
and
Daett
were up, reading in the living room by the light of the hissing gas lantern.

“You're a little late,”
Mamm
noted, looking up with a questioning smile.

“A little,” Susan agreed.

“I'll go check on Samuel,” Teresa said, heading for the stair door.

“He's been sleeping for the past hour,”
Mamm
said. “He settled down really nice. I think he's starting to like me.”