Alex climbed into the bed with Leah and she curled into him, resting her head on his shoulder while Sienna slept contently on his chest. Leah rubbed her daughter’s back as Alex stroked Leah’s arm.
“I love you, Leah. I swear to you I am going to beat this thing because I want nothing more than this—my two girls in my arms forever. I will not give this up. I’ll be damned if I let heroin take it away from me.”
Chapter 11: A Time to Heal
Sienna was resting comfortably in her grandmother’s arms while her mother ran around the apartment searching for everything she needed to include in her diaper bag.
“I can’t find the diapers,” a frazzled Leah complained to her mother. “They were right here and now they’re gone.”
“Leah, you put them in the diaper bag about five minutes ago,” Francesca reminded her anxious daughter.
Leah checked the diaper bag and found the diapers, wipes, and everything else she needed for the baby. Leah collapsed on the couch next to her mother, so emotionally and physically drained.
“Everything is going to be fine. Why are you so nervous about visiting Alex?”
Why was she so nervous, she wondered? She saw Alex a couple of weeks ago when he finally left rehab. He seemed so at peace for the first time in ages. Leah had hoped he would change his mind and move back into their apartment, but he was determined to go to sober living.
There was a facility on Long Island and his spot had already been reserved thanks to Deverson’s funding. She would never be able to repay that man for his generosity.
This would be Leah’s first visit there, and she didn’t know what to expect. He wasn’t totally living alone, as there were other recovering addicts occupying the rooms there, but he had his own room and was supposed to be learning how to take care of himself and rebuild his life. Leah worried that Alex may decide that he would rather rebuild his life without the burden of a family.
As much as she knew Alex loved her, she also knew Alex never had a chance to really grow up and be a typical kid. He missed those years. Now he was twenty-two and a father with responsibilities and obligations. This kind of pressure could be detrimental to his long-term health. What if he were better without her?
No more dwelling on the unknown. Right now, she would enjoy this visit with him. She hadn’t seen him in two weeks. Even though her days and nights were busy with tending to Sienna’s needs, any moment she spent alone was filled with longing for Alex.
It took her hours to get ready that morning to find the right outfit to wear. She dressed and changed and changed again until she finally settled on an outfit. Of course, Sienna spit up all over it and she had to change again.
Getting the baby ready was less of a struggle. She already had an extensive wardrobe thanks to her grandmother and Auntie Claire, who were determined to buy every dress in Sienna’s size. The child would be spoiled rotten, but she would be loved and that was the most important thing.
Everything would be okay. She just had to convince herself of that.
“There’s no reason to be nervous. I just can’t wait to see Alex,” Leah informed her mother, hoping if she sounded confident enough, she might believe her own words. “I should get going.”
Francesca had arranged for a rental car for Leah since she recently sold her car to help manage expenses. She preferred Leah to take a car service, but Leah refused. She would not show up at Alex’s sober-living facility with an expensive car and driver. She wouldn’t want him to think for a minute that she was doing so well without him and that she and Sienna didn’t need him, because they desperately did.
“I wish you didn’t have to take the baby to that…place.” Francesca grimaced as she cradled the baby to her chest.
“Mother.” Leah spoke with that tone that reminded her mother she was being a snob once again. “There is nothing wrong with that place. That place is helping to save Sienna’s daddy’s life. Besides, Alex needs to see his daughter and Sienna needs to see him.”
“I know,” Francesca reluctantly conceded. “It’s just that I wonder if that place is safe for her. It’s a rooming place for addicts.”
“
Recovered
addicts, Mom.” Leah understood her mother’s concern and although she hadn’t seen the place, she knew Alex would not have invited them there if it wasn’t safe.
“
Recovering
addicts, Leah. There is a difference. You should keep that in mind.” Francesca stood up and placed the now sleeping baby in her car seat. “Alex has a long road ahead of him. I don’t want you to think this will magically get fixed overnight. Just be patient with him and don’t overburden him with your expectations. You don’t want to set his recovery back by making demands on him that he is not equipped to handle yet.”
That was unexpectedly sage advice from her mother, who was surprising her more and more each day. “When did you get so smart, Mom?” Leah teased.
“Your failures make you smarter if you choose to learn from them.” Francesca reached for her coat and walked out the door.
A half-hour later, Leah was sitting in the rental car outside the sober-living facility. She sat there for nearly ten minutes just staring at the place Alex now called home. She couldn’t seem to make her body move. As much as she wanted to see him, she was afraid of what she would see.
She rested her head on the steering wheel, trying to calm her anxiety. A sudden knock on the window startled her, and she turned to see a familiar set of striking blue eyes staring back at her.
Alex opened the door and crouched down beside her. “Are you going to hide in here all afternoon?”
Leah no longer felt like hiding. Now that she saw him, she wanted nothing more than to be with him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder. Alex held her tightly as they held each other as if they had not seen each other in years, when it had only been a few long weeks.
Leah pulled away, but she cupped his face in her hands, desperately yearning for contact with him. There were no words to describe how much she longed for him—how much she loved him.
“God I’ve missed you.” She kissed his cheeks and then his lips.
“I’ve missed you more.”
Leah smiled. “Not possible.”
Alex pulled her closer to him, brushing his lips ever so slightly against hers before deepening the kiss. There was so much longing in that kiss. It quickly went from comforting to passionate, leaving both Alex and Leah winded.
They almost forgot where they were as they continued to grope each other in the parking lot, but Sienna gave them a piercing cry to remind them. Alex stood up and quickly opened the backseat of the car. He removed Sienna from her car seat and held her lovingly against him. Instantly she stopped crying and looked up at her father with her matching blue eyes.
“How do you do that?” Leah inquired. She could never calm Sienna that quickly, but Alex seemed to have the magic touch. It was like she somehow knew that Alex was her daddy and she felt safe and secure with him. Leah could relate to that feeling.
“I think she likes me,” Alex beamed.
“No, Alex. I think she loves you.” Just like Leah, Sienna had fallen helplessly in love with Alex. He was so easy to love. If only he could love himself as much as those around him did.
Alex gave them a brief tour of the facility, which was more like a cozy bed and breakfast. Leah met the owner, some of the staff, and several other residents who, like Alex, were trying to get on their feet without the aid of drugs.
The facility owner, Mary Beth, was such a pleasant and welcoming woman. She made them a special family lunch and reserved a private area for the three of them—though they did not get much privacy, as everyone wanted to see the baby. Sienna enjoyed being the center of attention as she smiled and cooed at all those friendly faces.
“She’s going to be trouble,” Mary Beth warned. “You’re going to have to beat the boys away, Alex.”
“She’s not leaving the house until she’s eighteen, and even then she won’t be going anywhere without me to supervise.” Mary Beth swatted Alex on the shoulder as she returned to kitchen.
They ate a lovely meal and mostly spent time talking about Sienna and everything Alex had missed so far. He was eager to learn about his daughter. Leah could see the love in his eyes as he held her.
He even offered to change her smelly diaper. Leah followed him to his room so they could change Sienna. Alex had his own room, but Leah was surprised that it was so sparsely decorated. The only personal thing he displayed was a photo of her and Sienna that was taken when they left the hospital. Otherwise, the room was devoid of any connection. It was like a hotel room.
“What are you thinking?” Alex asked as he placed the baby on his bed and started to change her.
“This place is really nice, but where are your things? It seems so bare. It doesn’t have that homey feeling, at least not in your room.”
“That’s because it’s not home,” Alex explained. “Home is where I live with you and our daughter. This place is helping me find my way back there.”
Leah was so relieved to hear him say that. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
Alex paused and turned to face her. “Are you surprised? I thought you understood this was temporary. I just need time to get myself on track, and then I could come back to you and be the man you and Sienna need and not the shell of a human being I have been most of my life.”
“I know. I just sometimes fear that the longer you stay away, the less likely you will ever want to come back.”
“Don’t think like that, Leah. There is no place I would rather be than with you and Sienna.” As Alex bent down to kiss Leah, Sienna squealed. “Our daughter has impeccable timing.” Alex finished changing her diaper and redressing her while Leah watched him.
“How did you get so good at that? It took me several tries and multiple accidents before I learned to put it on right.”
“I changed a few diapers when I was in some of the earlier foster homes. You remember the Arnolds? They had a revolving door of foster kids, but many were infants not much older than Sienna. As one of the older kids I was responsible for taking care of them. I learned quickly how to change diapers, give baths, fix meals, and anything else those little ones needed.”
Alex had never been willing to talk about his life in foster care before. She knew some of the homes were really bad but he never wanted to discuss it. He would block her attempts or change the subject. As well as she knew him, there was a whole side of his life that she didn’t know at all. Would he finally be able to let her in?
“Alex, there’s so much of your life I don’t know and would like to know if you are willing to talk to me. I don’t want to pressure, but I just want you to know that I am here if you want to open up.”
Alex lifted Sienna up in his arms and she rested her head on his shoulder. He sat next to Leah on the bed and she leaned into him resting her head on his other shoulder.
“I never wanted you to really know me because I was afraid what you would see would make you run away and never look back. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I’ve learned that keeping the truth from you created a wall between us, and I don’t want there to be anything separating us again. If I want your love, I have to allow you to love all of me—the good, bad, and ugly. Leah, there is some ugly but I will share it with you because you deserve to know the real me before you agree to build a life with me forever.”
Leah knew there was a lot of darkness he was hiding, but she wasn’t afraid of the truth. Not anymore. They had overcome so many obstacles to get to this point. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing left they couldn’t conquer. No matter what secrets he hid, nothing would change her feelings for him. Alex was too deeply entrenched in her heart.
“I know the real you, Alex. The sadness that has marred your life doesn’t define you, but I do want to know about those nightmares that keep you up at night. I want to slay the monsters that scare you. I want to fight beside you Alex, now and always.”
Alex kissed her head and pulled her tighter into him. “Good, because I can’t do it without you. There’s one monster in particular I need you to help me slay.” Leah looked up into Alex’s troubled eyes. “Will you come with me to see my mother?”
II
A week later, Leah was driving Alex just outside of Clinton, New Jersey to the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women. This was her first time visiting a prison and the prospect was a bit intimidating, but she didn’t hesitate to go with Alex when he asked her.
This was such a significant step for him and she would not allow him to take it alone. She was so proud of him for finally being willing to face this lingering torment that had haunted him ever since he was a child. She knew this would be incredibly hard for him. His mother was the last tether to the past he struggled so hard to forget.
He sat stoically in the car, barely moving or saying a word. Leah would not force him to find words. She would allow him to cope in whatever manner he needed, and whether that was through talking, crying, or silence, she would be there for him.
This prison was certainly not what Leah had expected. It looked like a college campus with greater security. Not the drab, dilapidated compound she expected to see. There was something so unnervingly welcoming about this place. It didn’t seem like a place for punishment but a home for those in need of healing.
Rebecca Briggs was fortunate to have been transferred there five years before. Apparently, her behavior since confinement had improved after a rough beginning, when she spent many days in solitary for starting fights. Most of that had been because of her desperation to get drugs. She’d been a hardcore addict, and rehab in prison was tortuous. For Rebecca, the agony had been so unbearable that she tried to hang herself after the first week. Finally she was removed to a psychiatric ward, where they helped her deal with the effects of withdrawal.
She was given methadone and remained on the drug for nearly eight years. Attempts to wean her off had been disastrous, but within the last few years, she showed progress. The violent outbursts ended, but mentally she would never be the same.