“My mother is such a complicated mess, but I’m glad she showed up at my door. Yes, I wish it were four years sooner, but at least she finally came and now we have a chance to build something. We’ll see what happens, but I’ll take something with her versus the silence of the last few years.”
“I’m glad for you and for her. You never said anything, but I always knew that you missed your mother even when you were still living under her roof. I always thought that your mother loved you in her own way. She just never knew how to show it. She’s impotent when it comes to emotional displays.”
Alex had always tried to reassure Leah of her mother’s love. Leah would protest otherwise, but Alex had never wavered. He told her many times that he sensed the feelings were there, but Leah’s mother was too weak to show it.
Leah finally believed he was right all along. She told him about her brother and his troubles in school. Nothing too serious, but typical rebellious behavior. He hated living up to their father’s high standards and he wanted to break free of the control, but not of their father’s financial support.
Her mother had confided that she was worried Tristan might get into more serious trouble with drugs and alcohol. Addiction certainly ran in her family, a point her father loved to throw in Francesca’s face whenever Tristan was caught drinking or smoking marijuana.
“I don’t believe he is in too much trouble yet, but I do worry about him. I promised my mother and him that I would keep up with him and be there for him. I will keep an eye out on my little brother.”
“Still saving everyone, Leah. You can’t help yourself. You’re a natural caretaker, which is why I know you will be a phenomenal mother.”
“As you will be a phenomenal father.”
Alex didn’t respond, but Leah didn’t need to hear the words to know that Alex wasn’t planning to be a father right now even though his child would be born in ten weeks.
“Tell me about rehab.” Leah changed the subject, trying to elicit something from Alex, who had gone hauntingly quiet.
Alex told her about Deverson’s offer to go into treatment. He had been reluctant to accept it first, not trusting Deverson’s act of kindness. “For all I knew, the guy wanted to get into my pants. I wasn’t desperate enough for that.”
Yet he had been desperate enough once before and accepted pills in exchange for sex from a fellow patient at the last rehab facility. They hadn’t spoken about that affair since Alex revealed the truth while in the hospital. Leah thought it was better to avoid the subject, but she knew it would haunt them forever unless they finally dealt with that painful wound.
Alex took the initiative before she could ask. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that mistake. I can’t ever make it up to you, Leah. I’ll never forgive myself for doing it. That girl meant nothing to me, but I was so desperate to get high that in that moment, nothing else mattered but the drugs. I didn’t care about you, us, or the future. All I wanted was that feeling of being high and I wanted the agony of withdrawal to go away. She was a means to that end and in that moment, I sacrificed everything that mattered to me for that momentarily relief from the pills. I would do anything to erase that moment, but it’s a mistake I have to live with forever. I hope one day, you can forgive me for it.
“Rehab has helped me reflect on my life. So much has happened the last few months and most of it wasn’t good, and that’s because of me. I can’t get let go of the conversation we had when I was in the hospital. I keep seeing your face. The mix of shock, hurt, disappointment, and anger as you finally learned the truth about me and all that I had done to us. I’ve spent so many years deceiving you and myself. I’m learning so much about myself here and I don’t like most of what I’ve discovered but I have to accept myself—the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to be a better person.”
“I forgive you, Alex,” Leah spoke, and as soon as the words escaped her lips she knew without a doubt they were true. She forgave him. “I forgave you long ago.”
“Even for the cheating? I swear Leah, it was only that one time and I can’t tell you how much I regret it.”
Leah had to admit that was the hardest part to accept, but she let go of it because she understood that it was his disease to blame. This disease of addiction that had taken so much of his life away. There was no point punishing him for those past mistakes when he was working so hard to heal himself.
“Yes. I won’t lie to you and pretend it didn’t hurt. It may always hurt to some degree, but I do forgive you for it, Alex. It’s time you forgive yourself.”
That would be the toughest challenge for him. Alex had always been harder and more unforgiving of himself than Leah ever had been. She hated the way he had mercilessly punished himself for his perceived failures. He held himself to his ridiculously high standard than chastised himself for never being able to achieve it. That failure would haunt him and the only relief was the heroin that would wipe the pain away.
“Leah, I have to go soon. There are others anxious to use the phone.”
“Can I see you?” she asked. Deverson said she couldn’t visit until the ninety days were over, but maybe they could make an exception for one brief visit. It would feel so much better to see he was okay. She would give anything just to see him again even for a few minutes. “I would really like to see you, Alex.”
“I’m not ready to see you,” he admitted.
Leah flinched as those words struck her. They stung deep. Her hands were trembling as she held onto the phone. As much as this killed her, she wanted to hear the truth from him. No more running.
“Where does this leave us, Alex?”
The silence on the phone was more of answer than any words he could say.
“I don’t know, babe. I don’t want to hurt you. I would rather die than hurt you, Leah, but I can’t tell you what you want to hear. One thing I have realized is that I cannot figure out how to live a life with you when I can’t figure out how to live with myself. I have to fix me in order to have a chance at fixing us. I have a lot of work to do to heal myself. Until I do that work, I can’t be any use to you. I wish I could say something more definitive. I wish I could say something to make you feel reassured, but I am not going to lie to you ever again. The truth is I am in no shape to make promises about the future when I am still not even certain I can have one. I love you, Leah. The one promise I can make is that I always will.”
But love wasn’t always enough. That was one solemn realization Leah had made these last few months. If it were, he would have been sober years ago. They would already be married and happily anticipating the birth of their first child. Rather, they were miles apart physically and in many ways emotionally.
It was unfair to try and get him to commit to their future. This time in rehab was about him and his need to figure out who he was without heroin as his crutch. Leah had to stop being his other crutch as well. Alex had never learned to stand on his own two feet. Heroin was there to hold him up on one side and she lifted him up on the other. It was long past time that Alex started taking care of himself.
Leah had to finally admit that as much as she wanted Alex to be clean, his sobriety had always scared her. She always wondered in the darkest recesses of her mind if a sober Alex would have any place in his life for her. The selfishness of that notion rattled her to her core. There was nothing more important than Alex’s recovery—Alex learning to live with himself and finding happiness, even if that didn’t include her.
She would not pressure him to offer her more. That would just inhibit his recovery and ensure his dependence on her. Alex had to put himself first.
“You don’t need to make any promises to me. I don’t want you worrying about us. The only thing you should be thinking about is getting clean and staying clean. Whatever that means for you, I will support. I just want you to be happy, Alex. I want you to conquer those demons that have given you nightmares. I want you to be free.”
She refused to cry and let her tears guilt him into promising more than he should. She would be strong for him and for herself.
“I will call as often as I can and email. Please take care of yourself, Leah. I should be there taking care of you and the baby, and I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to be. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”
“I’m not alone and I am strong enough to take care of myself and our child if I have to. Don’t worry about us, Alex.”
“That’s like asking me not to breathe. I will always worry, Leah. Nothing will ever matter more to me than you.” Alex disconnected.
Leah curled up on her couch. She tried to make sense of all that was said and all that was left unspoken between them.
She’d never felt such distance between them. She’d never felt such loneliness. In that moment, her baby gave her a rather forceful kick as if reminding her that her mother was not alone. Leah patted her belly where her very active daughter continued to kick. “You’re right, my little one. I’m not alone. We have each other.”
Chapter 10: Valentine’s Day
It was nearly lunchtime and a very pregnant Leah was looking forward to a gluttonous meal at the local burger shop. She had a wicked craving for ground beef and greasy French fries. Not the healthiest of meals, but certainly the most comforting. On a day like this, comfort was exactly what she needed.
No amount of food would distract her from the reality that today was Valentine’s Day and she was spending it without the man she loved. Alex was still in rehab and although he occasionally emailed, his calls were less frequent. She had not heard his voice since early January, when he belatedly wished her a happy new year. It was a brief discussion that left Leah yearning for more, but she did not push him for what he clearly was not able to offer.
She knew he wanted distance and although the separation pained her greatly, she accepted it. Nothing mattered more than Alex’s sobriety and if time apart helped, she would not stand in his way. All she could do was hope that his ongoing treatment did not require a permanent separation.
Even if the worst were to occur she knew she would survive. She had to survive.
As she rubbed her growing belly, the baby gave her an excited kick, never letting her forget that this child was her number-one blessing. If she had to raise this angel alone, she would ensure that this baby never wanted for love. She would make sure her child knew that Alex loved it as much as she did even if he couldn’t be there to show just how much he cared. She would not allow her child to grow up feeling unloved.
It would be so much better if Alex could be there with them and to shower their child with affection. His heart was so warm and loving. It was his love that helped Leah deal with the pangs of her childhood. It was his love that bolstered her self-esteem. It was his love that encouraged her to seek all her dreams, as he always had the unwavering faith in her that she would accomplish everything she wanted. He helped her believe in herself.
If only she could have helped him do the same. No matter how hard she tried, she could never penetrate the walls of self-doubt and insecurity that had closed in on Alex stifling his dreams and his desires. She could not pull him to safety as he drowned in a sea of grief. Heroin had become the quicksand pulling him beneath the surface and the more Leah fought to save him, the further he sunk below.
Rehab was teaching him to save himself. To find his own strength and be his own light in the darkness. No longer would she or heroin be his anchors.
For Leah, it was difficult to let go of that role. She loved to take care of Alex. A natural nurturer, she wanted to protect him, care for him and give him everything he needed or wanted. Yet her counseling had taught her that she couldn’t be Alex’s savior and he couldn’t be hers.
They could support each other but they had to support themselves. They could be a unit, but they would always be individuals as well. They could not lose their identities by being so entrenched in one another.
She was slowly learning that lesson and knew Alex was probably being taught the same in rehab. She changed for the better thanks to this help, and she knew he would come out of rehab a changed man as well. Part of her feared that they would both be so different that they would not recognize each other anymore. He might not want the independent woman she’d become.
She refused to believe Alex would give up on her. One day he would be there for her and the baby, but as the distance between them grew, her confidence wavered. Did he miss her as much as she missed him or was he already planning a life without her?
She tried not to dwell on the things she could not change. She had a job that she loved, a baby on the way, and, surprisingly, a new and unexpectedly comforting relationship with her mother.
It was like Francesca Rhodes had transformed into a different person. Ever since Christmas Eve dinner, she called Leah regularly and made frequent trips into the city just to spend time with her daughter. They spent more time together in the last six weeks then they had for most of Leah’s life.
At first, Leah was reluctant to embrace this stranger who was so unlike the mother who had neglected her as a child, but for some reason, Francesca had changed and was slowly becoming the mother Leah had always wanted. Leah accepted that her mother might never be warm and affectionate, but at least she was starting to listen to her daughter and tried to understand Leah without judging. She still had much work to do in this area, but for once she was willing to try, and that was no more than Leah could ask for. Francesca Rhodes was not one for compromise, but she was doing so now for her daughter’s sake. A few years ago, Leah would never have believed it possible and would have bet her life that her mother was incapable of this kind of change, but she was proving her dubious daughter wrong each day.
Francesca was so willing to try that she even agreed to meet Leah for lunch at Burger Palace, even though that was not her typical choice for cuisine. Francesca was a health fanatic who spent as much time at the gym as she did at home. Burgers were foreign to her and the restaurant, which was a loose description of the Burger Palace, lacked the requisite number of stars for Francesca’s expensive tastes.