“Only him. And only once.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” she said. “So, were you in trouble as a kid?”
“When I was young, I tried my hardest to be the best kid in the universe and could still never do anything right. So when I hit about sixteen, I gave up trying to be good and started being as bad as possible. I really regret that. I hurt my mother.”
“What kind of bad things did you do?”
“Oh, you don’t really want to know…”
She smiled. “Oh, I really do!”
“I lied. I hustled girls, and not with pure thoughts. I drank too much. Had a couple of fender benders because I was driving too fast. Skipped school to go out to the lake with friends. That kind of thing.”
“Steal any cars? Get anyone pregnant? Do hard drugs?”
“Nah.”
“Then you weren’t really trying,” she said with a laugh. “So, if you got punished for little stuff, what did the old man do to you for getting drunk and wrecking cars?”
He smiled as if this was one of his few happy memories. “He almost lost his mind. He threatened to send me to boarding school, but I think we both knew no one would keep me for long while I was on that particular course. I was pretty incorrigible. Plus, I remember it was one of the few times my mother really stood up to him—she said, ‘Over my dead body, Jasper!’ It was fantastic. But eventually he packed me off to seminary. It didn’t work. I quit and went to Seattle where I tried to stay away from Bible studies.” He took a drink of beer. “So—were you in trouble a lot?”
She shook her head. “Never. Well, I missed some classes from oversleeping, but I worked late. My one big screwup was getting pregnant. I felt just terrible about that. My gramma was so sweet, but I really felt like I’d let her down. And then when Jason was killed, even though my life was a disaster, I was glad for the baby. Jason was sweet. A good boy. We’d dated since I was about fourteen. I guess in the end, there were just too many hormones between us.”
“You must have thought you were in love,” Noah said.
“You’re damn skippy,” she said. “I sure haven’t felt that way since. We had it bad. We had big plans, too. Well, probably they wouldn’t seem big to you…”
When her voice trailed off, Noah prodded. “What kind of plans?”
“Hmm,” she said, thinking. “Jason had this really good job in construction. He poured cement—he made a good living for a nineteen-year-old. He lived at home with his folks, so he had money to burn. But he saved and saved. For us. We were going to get married after I graduated, live in something small and work hard, and then after a few years, we were going to buy a house. Two stories, big yard, nice neighborhood. Not fancy, you know, but real nice. To me it would’ve been like a castle. Then the first baby a couple of years later…That would have brought me to about today.”
“Those sound like nice plans,” Noah said.
“He drove the motorcycle most of the time because it was cheap. The only reason I wasn’t on the back when that car hit him was because he wouldn’t let me ride anymore. Because I was pregnant.” She looked down. “You would’ve liked him.”
“He looked out for you the best he could,” Noah said. “You must’ve been real proud of him.”
The give-and-take went on through dinner. It didn’t surprise Noah at all that Ellie told him anything he wanted to know—she had been that way since the minute they met. She was unflinchingly honest. What surprised him was that he was so open. He rarely spoke about his father, and he only talked about Merry with their close mutual friends. “She was the sexiest, funniest girl in Seattle. I was twenty-seven, she was twenty-five, and she was not interested in some Goody Two-shoes who studied religion.”
“She told you that?” Ellie asked, laughing.
“She did. She said it was her opinion religion got in the way of faith and she thought most religions did more harm than good. So I promised her that I’d teach and counsel. Maybe just get a Ph.D. That way she’d never have to be stuck with a good-goody minister. And she said I would still be a man, and that would be burden enough.”
“I like her.”
“I couldn’t resist her. She was maddening. Exciting. Beautiful. So funny she almost made me forget I was nurturing a private rage against my father.”
“When do you suppose you’ll get tired of that?”
“I was hoping to be done with it by now. I think I was moving away from that when I found Merry. And when I lost her, I got mad all over again.”
“Well, duh,” Ellie said. “Noah, losing someone you love is supposed to make you mad. First you don’t believe it, then you get pissed. Aren’t you the one with the big education?”
After more talking, they picked up the dishes and washed and dried them companionably. And as Ellie dried the last pie plate, the towel slipped from her hand and fell to the floor.
“Got it,” he said, bending to pick it up. Just as she bent to pick it up.
Both of them were bent at the waist, reaching for the towel. Their faces came so close together, his cheek was nearly touching her cheek, his chin hooked over her shoulder. And when she could have moved away, he grabbed her upper arms in a firm but gentle grasp and said, very softly, “Don’t. Don’t move for a second.” And then slowly, carefully, he straightened with her until they stood, facing each other, his cheek against her cheek. “Be still. For just one minute,” he whispered. “Please.”
He let his cheek press gently against hers. Noah held her arms, but not tightly. If she wanted to pull back, pull away, she wouldn’t have a problem. But she didn’t, so he let his eyes gently close and inhaled deeply. She wasn’t wearing perfume; she smelled of soap and shampoo and dust and woman, the first woman he’d been this close to in quite a while. Her body was soft against his, though he resisted the temptation to pull her hard against him.
Yet he stood there, unable to break away. He breathed her in. Her arms remained at her sides, passive, and he just inhaled her. He enjoyed the velvety softness against his cheek; he thought maybe she was far softer and silkier than the average woman. He enjoyed the feeling of the smooth skin of a woman against his rougher skin. Why didn’t she pull away? He lifted a hand from her upper arm to her face and placed his palm against her other cheek, just absorbing the sweet, delicate warmth, the texture, the scent that was only her.
At least a minute had passed. Maybe two minutes.
It’s just an affectionate hug, he told himself. Not a big deal.
But when he stepped back, he looked into her large brown eyes and said, “I apologize. That was probably inappropriate.”
“Probably,” she said. “You being my boss and all.”
“I won’t do that again,” he promised. “It’s just that—” Words seemed to fail him.
“Just that you wanted to be close to someone?” she supplied.
To you. “I did,” he said, relieved that she had an explanation.
“But I let you, Noah. Don’t you go thinking you can get away with things.”
He shook his head.
“Don’t start thinking I’m easy.”
He couldn’t help but smile at her. She looked about one inch away from biker chick and she’d been through the school of hard knocks, but there was something just plain pure about her. “You haven’t been the least bit easy since the minute I met you.”
“I think it was all that talk about your wife, Merry,” she said. “I know you miss her. And miss being close to a woman in general.”
“I doubt that’s it,” he said. “Merry’s been gone five years. I’ve been close to a woman or two since then.”
“Just the same, you should think about it,” Ellie said. “You don’t want to get your feelings all mixed up. You don’t want to start thinking you like me in a certain way when all you’re really feeling is lonesome. Which is natural. Easy to understand.”
“Maybe you should be the counselor.”
“I mean, if we’re going to work together—”
Noah’s good sense took a hike. He put his hands on her narrow waist, pulled her close and covered her mouth with his. A little squeak of surprise escaped her, but it only took her a second to settle against his lips. Her hands slid up onto his shoulders and his tightened around her waist. He tilted his head to a new angle and rocked against her mouth, gently parting her lips. And he groaned in pure pleasure.
Ellie was lost in his kiss; his lips were so strong and soft, his mouth so deep and wet, his arms firm and confident. And, oh, she hadn’t been kissed like this in her life. He left her lips for just a split second, long enough to look down into her startled eyes, and then he was on her mouth again, pulling her tight against him, bending her back with his hunger. She welcomed his tongue, joined him with hers, and her arms rose to circle his neck. And they rocked together, body to body, mouths together, tongues entwined, breathing coming harder and deeper. She liked this kiss, she thought. But this is not a good thing.
At long last he broke from their kiss, gazing into her eyes, and she asked, “Can you fire me for letting you kiss me? Because you know I need this job.”
“No,” he said softly. “You can probably sue me. But you’ll end up with an old RV and a dog. An expensive dog.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I should never have let you…”
“How can you taste like strawberries when you had brisket, beer and apple pie?” he asked her.
“It’s not me, Noah. You’ve just been lonely…”
He lifted one expressive brow. “Is that so? And what’s your excuse?”
“I told you, you’re kind of cute, for a minister, and—Oh!”
She was going to have to watch that sarcastic sense of humor, it obviously turned him on. He grabbed her against him again and devoured her once more. And he was delicious. Powerful and starving and passionate. He licked her lips apart and invaded her with his tongue. Then he kissed his way down her neck and was back on her mouth, feeding her a wonderful kiss that wouldn’t end. This is not what one expected from a good-goody preacher. Whoa, his chest and arms were so hard against her, his arms like vise grips. His kiss was hot, wet and wonderful, lasting a minute, then two.
Noah tried reciting the Psalms backward, but it was useless. He began to feel a burning lust, the tightness of desire and arousal. And it felt at once shameful and fabulous. He’d been with a couple of women the past several years, looking for something solid and satisfying, but no one had stirred him like this in a long, long time. He welcomed the feeling of his natural sexual response. It was real, and really great.
And she knew. She pressed against him, he held her tight, and there was not one secret between them. Finally, reluctantly, he freed her lips.
“Don’t even think about it,” she said.
He grinned in spite of himself. “Come on, Ellie. You can’t make me not think about it.”
“I’m not getting mixed up with someone like you. First of all, I’m all wrong for someone like you. Second, I’m clearing out the second I have my kids. Third…” She paused. “I don’t need a third. That’s good enough. Don’t ever do that again.”
“I haven’t kissed a woman like that in quite a while,” he said. “That was nice. Are you angry?” he asked.
“Did I taste angry?”
He just smiled. “You tasted wonderful. You’re right—it’s not such a good idea. Well, I mean, it is a good idea. But I see the potential for disaster.”
She pulled away and put a hand against her wild curls as if to smooth her hair into place. The hand trembled a bit; he’d never seen her rattled before. “You’re just going to get yourself in trouble with the Big Guy, and there’s no point in making your life tougher.”
“Nah, God’s not opposed to kissing. I think employers taking advantage of employees, however, could put a big black mark on the minus side of my chart. But you liked it,” he said. “You did. And I liked it. It felt pretty consensual to me.”
“I’m not the kind of woman a man like you gets interested in, and we both know that. Eventually that could hurt me. And if you really are a nice guy, hurting me will hurt you.”
“Because of that dancing thing?” he asked.
“That dancing thing, and I’m poor, undereducated, strapped with kids and very, very temporary.”
“Wait now,” he said. “I’m not trying to make an argument for interest, because you might be right—it might be a mistake that could get out of control. But you’re smart, no matter how much or little formal education you have. And I don’t believe you see your kids as a liability, and you know I don’t—I like them. And you won’t always be poor, not with your ambition and positive attitude.” He smiled gently. “The dancing doesn’t matter a damn. I understand about that.”
“I don’t want to be your bad girl. The one you take chances with for a little walk on the wild side. To break a few rules, have a little sinful fun.”
“Ellie, there’s not a bad bone in your body. And we both know it.”
“That isn’t really the point, Your Holiness…”
“Okay, let’s be rational. I apologize, I won’t do it again, but really—it was just a kiss.”
“Not the way you do it,” she said.
Ellie was wrong about one thing; for the first time in years Noah wasn’t lonely. He now had Ellie.
He hadn’t thought he was going to kiss her. He hadn’t even seen it coming. It wasn’t something he’d been aching to do but, in retrospect, it made sense. They had grown closer, sharing personal things about their lives, and despite Ellie’s wisecracking, they had fun together. They depended on each other. He liked her better and trusted her more by the day. She might look and talk like a diamond in the rough, but she had a simple wisdom about her that was addictive. Her honesty alone was alluring. She had a sharp, teasing tongue, but she was kind and genuine. She listened with compassion, with sympathy and not pity, as he ranted about his father. She didn’t suffer fools gladly. Anyone who doesn’t go to his daughter-in-law’s funeral would be a bastard in my book.
And there was that other thing that was overdue—strong feelings for a woman, feelings of desire. He was a thirty-five-year-old man with a perfectly healthy libido and throughout his adult life had enjoyed normal feelings of arousal. The past few years had been a bit lightweight in that department. He’d been out with women, even been in some very interesting clinches, but hadn’t met anyone that made him crazy with longing. He missed that and needed that in his life.
Noah wasn’t a complicated man. He had to admire more than one thing about a woman to desire her. He had to like her, to start with. He had to feel comfortable with her—all that teasing and arguing with Ellie, that was like friendship foreplay to him. Something that had been painfully absent from his life for the past several years—playfulness. He’d let his life get a little too serious. Ellie brought the laughter back to him.
The first time he laid eyes on her, her blatant sexuality had shocked him. She didn’t shock him anymore. Either she was playing it down a bit or he was getting used to her. True, she wasn’t wearing as much makeup, but why would she for cleaning and painting? But things that normally put him off, he’d begun to find amusing. Kind of cute. So completely Ellie. Like the long fingernails, painted a different shade almost every day, decorated with sparkles. In his opinion she’d gone from a spectacle of womanhood to pop art.
He hadn’t felt this alive or happy in years. She not only made him feel again, but made him feel fun again.
But, after he walked her home, he went back to the church, stood in front of the now-dark stained-glass window, looked up and said to himself, I promise I won’t let her down. I’ll find a way to be there for her while she recovers the life she has every right to. Amen.
“George?” Noah said into the phone.
He was answered with a grunt. And then, “God, man! It’s midnight!”
“I kissed her. Not a little affectionate peck on the cheek. I tickled her tonsils with my tongue.”
“Well now,” George said. He sat up in bed and felt around for his glasses. “I can’t tell if you’re bragging or apologizing.”
“This has disaster written all over it.”
“Ah. Bragging. No one loves a good disaster like Noah.” Then he chuckled. “And now?”
“Now I can’t wait to do it again.”
“Might want to put that off for a while, boy. Till you get settled down a little.”
There were certain things about one another that did not require further explanation. George didn’t ask Noah if he cared for her because Noah didn’t get involved with women who meant nothing to him. No need for Noah to explain that he was starting to care way too much and it worried him. From the hour of the call alone, George knew that.
“It’s probably just some good old-fashioned lust,” Noah said.
“Hmm, probably,” George agreed.
“Some of the best lust I can remember,” Noah said. “Christ above, this is all wrong.”
“We both know what’s wrong with it, son. Let’s take a second to talk about what’s right.”
“I can’t think of anything at the moment. Besides the lust, that is. And that she’s incredible. I never thought this would work—I thought it was a charity job, giving her the position to help her get her custody deal worked out. But I couldn’t ask for more. And she makes me laugh. She’s so sassy. And soft. Did I mention she’s soft?”
“Did you coerce her? Harass her? Emotionally blackmail her?” George asked.
“Of course not. I told her she could sue me.”
George chuckled. “Well, Noah, what a sweet-talker you are. No wonder the women are just falling at your feet.”
“She depends on me and the job.”
“Yes, you’ve explained. Is it likely she’s afraid that if she doesn’t yield, you or the job will vanish?”
Noah took a breath. “She is afraid of nothing. Even when she should be.”
“Noah, are you courting her?”
Dead silence hung in the air. And finally he said, “I’m fighting my libido, and for a while tonight it was winning. I don’t even know if I’m courting—it’s too new. I like her, of course. She intrigues me as much as she annoys me. I admire her, but I admit she’s strange to me. I’ve never known anyone like her. And of course she’s entirely the wrong kind of woman for me, in my circumstances.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Jesus hung out with Mary Magdalene. You don’t get more provocative than that.”
“Thanks a lot,” Noah grumbled.
“I’d better come up there. I was going to wait till you got rid of all the mouse shit, but I’d better come before you create some of your own.”
On Monday morning a couple of work crews descended on the church and got right to it. A few men on ladders and scaffolds were scraping old paint off the outside of the church; the sander was running over the sanctuary floor at the same time a man was working on replacing broken windows. In the basement, the concrete walls were being textured, and flooring was due to be delivered along with ceiling panels. There was a plumbing truck outside and Noah heard someone banging on the pipes, looking for leaks. Feeling as if he was just in the way, Noah left Ellie in charge of the phone and went to run errands.
First he went to the Goodwill and grabbed a few second- or third- or fourth-hand jackets and a handful of wool socks—fall was upon them and from what he heard, winter followed fall quickly. He wondered if his congregation, when he had one, would take on some of the needs in the town—castoffs to the poor, Thanksgiving and Christmas baskets, that sort of thing.
Next he went to the nursing home in Fortuna to watch TV with Sal. He hung around for about fifteen minutes of I Love Lucy and a little conversation. Sal was grumpy as ever but couldn’t disguise the way his eyes lit up when Noah stood in the doorway. Then Noah made a run by the hospital, visiting some young parents who had a seven-year-old in surgery.
He wasn’t all that anxious to get back to Virgin River, to the church. He was giving Ellie a wide berth because of the memorable, unforgettable way her lips tasted. If he closed his eyes he could recall it all in amazing detail. But he was very proud of his ability to act natural around her. Neither of them mentioned the kiss; neither of them behaved oddly. They had spent Saturday with the kids together and for all the world’s eyes, they were merely casual friends who worked together.
But he thought about her all the time.
Later that afternoon, after the hospital visit, he dropped in on Vanessa. He hadn’t called ahead or made an appointment, he just wanted to see how she was holding up. She came to the door with the sound of children yelling and crying at her back. There were dark rings under her eyes and she looked a little unkempt. “How’s it going?” he asked.
“Great,” she said unenthusiastically. She ran a hand through her hair. “I’m trying to get dinner ready for Paul and those two decided to skip naps. It gets a little wild sometimes.”
Noah stepped inside. Both kids were reaching out of the playpen with tear-stained faces. “Have they been crying long?” he asked.
“Oh, on and off the past couple of hours. Both of them are really cranky and tired.” She just shook her head.
“Vanni, aren’t you getting enough sleep?” he asked.
She just shook her head. “They both sleep through the night. I go to bed with them—I seem to be sleeping a lot. Maybe that’s it—maybe I’m oversleeping because I just stay so tired.”
“What can I do? Hold a child, stir a pot?”
“Whatever,” she said, backing away so he could come in.
Noah went straight to the playpen. He was saying, “Hey now,” to the little ones, but he was thinking, Uh-oh. She’s sinking. Whether under the strain of two small children or the emotional distress, it was hard to tell at first glance. But something had to be done here. He lifted Mattie out of the playpen first because he was the biggest. And then, when Hannah put her fat little arms around his neck, with his forearm under her bum, he pulled her up. Both children held on to him, one head on each shoulder. He jiggled and talked softly. They quieted at once; they had only needed to be held. They were as tired and frustrated as Vanni.
Vanni had disappeared into the kitchen and Noah just held a couple of armfuls of kids until the crying was under control. And then he said to them, “Well, first things first.” And he went down the hall in search of a nursery.
He kept talking in a soft voice while he put Mattie in one of the two cribs in the room and Hannah on the changing table. This was new territory for him. He’d changed a baby or two, but not in a long time. He kept talking while he studied the disposable diapers kept in a diaper caddy that hung on the side of the changing table. There were two stacks in there and he took a smaller one for Hannah. He opened it, located the sticky tabs and held it up. Then he gingerly removed her diaper and said, “Ewww.” She giggled at him. “Yeah, I bet you think that’s funny. You should see it from my point of view. Hannah, that’s disgusting.” She giggled again while he looked around for wipes, finding them on a shelf underneath the changing platform. He was making a face that Hannah found hilarious as he gingerly wiped stinky poop off her rosy butt. It took a lot of wipes because he was reluctant to get too close.
He got her clean, but her bottom was pink, like maybe she wasn’t being changed often enough. And he had completely destroyed a new diaper in the process, tearing the sticky tabs clean off, but he was luckier with the second one, though it seemed to be listing to one side. Mattie was a simpler affair; he wasn’t muddy. With a child on each hip and one terrible diaper and one nontoxic, he found Vanni in the kitchen. She turned from the sink and saw the diapers and wrinkled her nose.
“Which one of you had the present for Pastor Kincaid?” she asked, taking the dirty diddies.
“It was madam,” he said. He watched as Vanni folded the dirty diaper and deftly taped it closed in a nice, tight, odorless package. “Wow,” Noah said. “That was slick.”
“Let’s put them in the high chairs,” she said, taking Mattie and leaving Noah to settle Hannah. “What brings you by, Noah? Checking on me?”
“In a way,” he said. “You’ve been on my mind and I wondered how it was going. I hope I’m not imposing too much. Looks like you could use a hand.”
“I could use nine hands,” she said, but not much humor seeped through.
Once the kids were settled in high chairs, she put some crackers on their trays and fixed up two sippy cups with juice.
“Hannah’s bottom is kind of pink,” he said. “Kind of too pink.”
“I’ll take care of that,” she said.
Noah pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat down. “You could use a little help around here,” he said. “Just during the really busy times. Huh? So you can catch up a little, maybe steal a nap. Any friends or family available for that?”
She shrugged and although dinner makings were spread across the island, she poured two cups and sat down with him. “Everyone is willing, but everyone is also far too busy. Shelby’s starting school in a few days; she’s waited forever for that. Plus, she’s planning her wedding and I’m supposed to be helping her. My dad and Muriel are pretty caught up in running two ranches and doing some traveling for Muriel’s new movie. Believe me, I couldn’t be more pleased about that—I haven’t seen my dad this happy in years. Noah, I don’t want to impose on anyone. This is our problem. We need to figure it out.”
“Might be easier to figure out with a little help.”
Vanni just glanced into her coffee cup.
And Noah thought, she wants it to be hard, because she’s thoroughly pissed off. She’s having trouble caring about this infant because Paul brought her home and she’s angry with him, with the baby, and mostly with herself. And anger turned inward is depression. And depression can be deadly.
“Did Paul mention that he has crews working on the church now?” he asked her.
She shrugged and said, “I can’t remember. He may have mentioned it.”
“Well, it’s loud, and it’s going to stay that way for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. They’re scraping the outside of the church, sanding the sanctuary floor, tearing windows out of the frames, that sort of thing. I have this girl working for me now—nice young girl. Ellie Baldwin.”
“I think I heard about her,” Vanni said.
“Well, I have a million things to do every day that take me out of the church and I leave her to clean, paint, answer the phone, and I think she’s about ready to kill me. I’ll send her out here to help tomorrow. She’ll thank me for it.”
“A young girl?” Vanni asked. “Are you sure that’s going to help me?”