Authors: Nika Michelle
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #United States, #African American, #Urban, #Genre Fiction
“It don’t matter now Diablo. Shit, it don’t fuckin’ matter. I would’ve been wit’ you and only you if you kept your end of the bargain. What’s done is done, and it’s past tense. I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. Now you see how that shit feels.” With that said I got up and left the room
* * *
Things were kind of tense between me and Diablo after my confession. He had taken Peanut to take pictures with him, but didn’t invite me. I didn’t care because it was no need to act like we were one big happy family. What was the point?
Maya came over to smoke a much needed blunt with me later on that evening. I hadn’t smoked since I found out I was pregnant. I was high as a kite by the time Diablo walked in with the baby.
“Ya’ll need to put that shit out. My son’s in here,” he said with an attitude.
“Come on Maya. Let’s go outside and finish our blunt. It suddenly got stuffy as hell in here. I need some fresh air.” I gave him a look of contempt and he looked away.
When we got outside Maya asked, “What was that all about?”
I explained what happened the night before. “I don’t give a shit right now Maya. All I want to do is leave and move on wit’ my life. My son is all that matters to me. Fuck him.”
Maya looked at me and took a pull from the blunt. “I feel you.”
“Maya, it’s so funny how things have changed,” I said.
“Between you and Diablo?” Maya asked passing me the blunt.
“Yeah, but not just that. Everything. Life was so exciting when I was runnin’ the streets. I even miss my hustling days.” I smiled and continued. “I miss getting all G’d up and hittin’ the clubs. We ain’t never need no money ‘cause niggas was up on us hard. I miss goin’ outta town and straight wild’n out. I miss throwin’ on some sweats, putting Vaseline on my face, and throwin’ some serious hands. Sometimes I even miss the days when knowing Diablo was the leader of the Cues would send chills down my spine. But I’m glad I ain’t into none of that shit no more. In a way I want Diablo to give this shit up and come with me. But then again, maybe we should just give up on tryin’ to make it work. I can’t trust him.” Tears filled my eyes and Maya reached over to hug me.
“Aww, Yanna. I know how you feel. I do,” she said soothingly.
I sobbed and sobbed until I was hiccupping. Maya was still holding on to me. When the blunt was out we didn’t go inside. We stayed outside for hours and just talked. I loved my sister. I’d gotten so used to taking care of her, but now the tables were turned. She didn’t need me to take care of her anymore. Now she was taking care of me.
Chapter 18
I was getting me and Peanut’s things together so I could head back to North Carolina when Diablo barged into the room.
“Don’t go,” he said.
I pretended not to hear him and continued to pack.
He sighed loudly. “So you ain’t even goin’ give us a chance?”
I still didn’t respond, so he grabbed my arms to make me stop packing. “You know you fuckin’ hear me. You and Peanut belong here wit’ me. We a family. You can’t fuckin’ leave me again Yanna.”
I pulled away from him. “I am leavin’ so deal wit’ it.”
“I can’t fuckin’ deal wit’ it,” he said.
“So? Why should I care? I couldn’t deal wit’ the cheatin’ and the lies, but you did that shit anyway. Why should I feel any sympathy for you?” I asked angrily throwing things into my suitcase.
Peanut started crying .I picked him up and held him close to me. He immediately stopped crying and started sucking his fingers.
“Look at my man. My one and only man.” I wanted to sting Diablo with that statement.
I walked into the kitchen and warmed Peanut’s bottle. Diablo followed me.
He finally spoke. “And you didn’t want a baby. Look at you. I told you you would be a good mother. He can’t even cry without you runnin’ to check on him. At night you get up just to make sure he’s breathin’. Could you imagine life without him?’
“No, I couldn’t,” I said.
Diablo stared me with longing in his eyes. “That’s exactly how I feel about you and Peanut. I can’t imagine my life without ya’ll.”
“It’s too late for me and you Diablo, but you can have a relationship wit’ your son. I won’t deny him a father. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t care what you did to me. It’s funny that you can’t imagine your life without me now. I wonder if you even thought about me when you was fuckin’ other bitches,” I said. He was getting me pissed off all over again.
“Why you keep throwin’ the past all up in my face? I ain’t brought up the fact that you fucked some nigga and didn’t know if I was Peanut’s father.”
I walked away from him and returned to the guest room. Of course he was right behind me. “I ain’t goin’ fuss wit’ you while I’m holdin’ my baby Diablo.” I laid Peanut on the bed.
“Okay. Look, I don’t wanna fuss. I just don’t want you to leave me again. Shit, I can’t live without you. Don’t you fuckin’ get that shit? I need you and my lil’ man in my life, right here not in North Carolina. Don’t you think a nigga done suffered enough?” He asked.
I turned around and gave him one of my mad as hell faces. “You think you sufferin’? Nigga you don’t know shit about sufferin’ I’m the one you fucked around on! I’m the one who fought I don’t know how many bitches over you! How many fuckin’ kilos did I hold for you? Huh? How much crack did I cook and chop up to show you that I was a ride or die bitch? How many times did I fuckin’ lie to the cops to show you that I had your fuckin’ back? Huh? And how many times did you have mine? Fuck you Diablo Perez! You think the world revolves around you! It’s always been all about you! You fuck other bitches, but you love me. You expect me to keep believing your bullshit? You don’t love me nigga. You love Diablo. I don’t know why you thought I’d be blind forever! Do you really wanna know why I’m leavin’?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because I don’t want the life we had, and I don’t want my son doin’ the same shit I did for you. I want him to live a different life, and if I have to leave you to give him that then nigga fuck you!”
Diablo just left the room and I continued to pack. Once I was finished I went into the kitchen to get Peanut’s bottle. After feeding and burping him I laid him back down on the bed. I walked into the living room where Diablo was.
“Do you mind puttin’ my things in the car while I get your son ready?” I asked.
He nodded and went into the guest room to get my bags. He picked Peanut up first.
“Bye Peanut. Daddy’s goin’ visit you. When daddy get this last mill, he goin’ give it all up. Alright lil’ man.”
After everything was put in the car and Peanut was strapped in I noticed the van again. I walked over to Diablo, because I knew why the van was there.
“Why don’t you give the bullshit up now? Nigga you got enough fuckin’ money. You don’t notice that big ass van parked down the street. You don’t think your spot’s bugged? The cops watching you.” I whispered as I embraced him. “I noticed the van before, but at first I didn’t think nothing of it.”
Diablo pulled away from me. I guess he hadn’t noticed. How could he be so naïve? He thought he was untouchable. I could’ve sworn I’d seen the same cop that had stopped me inside the van. Michael Hanson, that was his name. He acted like he had a personal vendetta against Ablo.
Diablo followed my glare to the big gray van parked behind some trees and bushes. If the van was green they could’ve pulled it off. Too bad they’d chosen a light colored van.
“Damn boo. We said some shit up in there,” he whispered.
“We didn’t say anything specific. They need specific confessions. They already know that you lead the Cues. They can’t lock you up for that. As far as they know the Cues a social fellowship, or a secret society. They gotta pin something concrete on you. So while you in the clear and they ain’t got nothing you need to leave it alone. Just walk away Ablo. If you love me and Peanut you’ll do it.”
Ablo looked at me and sighed.” I can’t do that.”
“Okay, it’s your life… and I can’t share it with you. I got a child now. I have to think about him.”
“We got a child Yanna,” Ablo said as if I’d forgotten.
“I’ll call you later on to let you know that we made it in one piece.”
Diablo nodded and watched as I drove off. He waved and then walked back towards the house.
I never saw him again.
* * *
Three months later I returned to Atlanta for Diablo’s funeral. Being that Diablo was like a local celebrity the place was packed. Uncle Pete had promised to keep it short, and I was glad. I didn’t know if I could take staring at that casket with Diablo and Peanut’s picture sitting on top of it. When Uncle Pete called me to tell me that Diablo had been killed he also explained that the casket would stay closed at the funeral.
“I know you want to see him again, but the bullet practically blew his face off. I’m sorry Yanna. If it wasn’t for that black cobra on his arm I wouldn’t have known it was him.” he’d said.
Nobody really knew who killed Diablo. Some speculated it was the cops and some believed it was the Street Kings. His body was found in his garage. He’d been shot execution style. There were no witnesses to the crime.
After Diablo was put in the ground and everybody had left I decided to visit my father’s grave. They had been buried in the same cemetery. Diablo had paid for my father’s funeral and made sure that he had a proper burial. I cried and cried for the two men that I’d loved so dearly. When I felt all cried out I decided to leave. On my way to my car I spotted a black Escalade with tinted windows. I watched as the driver lowered his window. It was El.
I walked over to the SUV. “What you doin’ here?” I asked.
“I knew I would see you and I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry for how things turned out. I also wanted to let you know that I didn’t dead your man. Honestly,” he said.
I believed him for some reason. “Thanks, especially for not telling anybody about us.”
“I didn’t do it to talk about it Yanna. I did it because I wanted to,” he said sincerely.
I couldn’t help but wonder how my life would’ve been if I had met him instead of Diablo that night. I erased the thought from my mind. “That’s good to know El.” I sighed. “Well I gotta go and pick my son up. He’s wit’ my mom.”
“Word? How’s your lil’ man?” He asked.
“He’s good El, real good. I thank God for him every day. Especially now that Diablo’s gone. I have a piece of him left.”
El nodded. “Keep your head up. Later.”
“Later,” I said.
He put his window back up and drove off. I slowly walked to my car and got inside. Before starting it up I thought about where life had taken all of us. Maya was in love, and seeing a brighter future for herself. Princess and Tre’ had gotten engaged. She seemed to be doing much better and told me that Tre’ had stopped hustling. I wished Diablo would’ve done the same thing. My girls Mira, Teji, and Daren were still up to their same old tricks. Some things just didn’t change. My mother was clean, and she seemed to be much happier. The future was looking bright for her. She was moving back to North Carolina with me and I was looking forward to us rebuilding our relationship.
No matter what we had gone through my love for Diablo was still stronger than ever. His death was a bittersweet reality. I was sad that he was gone, but it also meant a new beginning for me and my son. Peanut would never have to know about the life that his parents had lived, and I would never tell him. Not in a million years.
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