Forever and Always (18 page)

Jared smiled. “Come back any time. Brandy is best when it's enjoyed with a friend.”

That word hit Logan hard. They were much closer than
friends
. They were brothers, and Jared didn't know.

“I've been wanting a chance to speak with you alone,” Jared said after he'd sampled his own drink. “I wanted to thank you.”

“Why? I haven't done anything for you.”

“You've helped Sibyl. That would have been more than enough.”

“She didn't really need help. She just needed information. Now that she has that, she won't need me or anyone else.”

They were silent for several minutes. It was a companionable silence even though Jared stared at Logan as though he were trying to see inside Logan's head. Logan wondered what questions he wanted to ask, what answers he would give.

It was Jared who broke the silence. “I knew you were the stranger who shot the bank robbers,” he said. “I thought it might be you even before the shooting contest. After I saw the target, I was positive. There can't be one man in a hundred thousand who can shoot like that.”

“Target shooting was my hobby. That doesn't mean—”

“I don't know why you would want to deny it.”

“I don't like to draw attention to myself.”

That caused Jared to laugh. “Then you'd better not stop any more runaway horses or win any more shooting contests. People stare at that target and go away shaking their heads.”

Logan didn't know what to say, and another silence ensued. It, too, was broken by Jared.

“Sibyl says you're planning to leave in a month or two. Why don't you think about staying?”

That was exactly the kind of thing Logan didn't want to hear, because it's what he most wanted to do. But there was a long list of reasons why he shouldn't, and he couldn't forget them. “I never meant to stay this long. I have places to go.”

“Forgive me if I don't believe you,” Jared said. “You're not well, and you're not getting better. You need to be under a doctor's care. And you need people around you who care about you, who will do whatever they can to help you get well.”

Logan tried to speak, but he couldn't get past the lump in his throat.

“You know Kitty prays every night that you'll get well. Sibyl says she doesn't know what she'll do without you, and Naomi says Peter looks up to you almost as much as he does to his father. Hell, even a stray dog follows you about like a slave.”

“Trusty follows me because I feed him, and Peter is impressed by tall tales and a fast gun.”

“Is that what impresses Kitty?”

Logan could only shake his head. “Kitty is an incredible little girl. She'll grow up to be a remarkable woman.”

“Wouldn't you like to see that? What about Peter's aim to be exactly like his father? I think Esther will be as pretty as Kitty. All three will miss you.”

Logan couldn't find the words to say how much he'd like to share the future with these children. And with Sibyl. Jared could have no inkling of how hard it was not to blurt out that they were brothers, that he could wish for nothing more than to spend his last months with siblings he hadn't seen in thirty years. The words were on the tip of his tongue before he could pull them back. “I would like that very much, but I can't. Don't ask me why.” He swallowed the last of his brandy and got to his feet. “I've enjoyed being with your family. You have a beautiful wife who adores you and two beautiful children. You are a fortunate man. Now I'd better go.”

Jared followed him outside. “Are you sure you wouldn't like me to ride with you? Since I'm the boss, I can sleep late.”

“I'll be fine. It's not a long ride, and I'm used to riding at night. I sometimes walk for hours when I can't sleep.” Jared's look of concern made him wish he hadn't mentioned that.

“All of us wish you would see the doctor,” Jared said. “I know this is a small frontier town, but he's as good as you'll find anywhere.”

“I'm sure he is, but all that can be done has been done. I have enough medicine to last for months. Trusty is waiting for me. He'll make sure I get home okay.”

It took several minutes before Logan could convince Jared that he would be fine to ride home with just the company of a dog. It would have been a relief when Jared went into the house if Sibyl hadn't emerged from around the corner.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I was hoping to catch you before you left.”

“Why?”

“To tell you not to come in to work tomorrow. The swelling seems to have gone down a little, but you aren't looking very strong.”

Something inside him gave way. It was a moment before he realized it was his resolve to keep his distance from this woman who obviously cared for him a great deal. He was sure she believed the swelling had gone down because she
wanted
it so badly. Knowing that removed the final barrier, and he reached out to take Sibyl's hands. It was almost too much for his self-control when he received an answering squeeze.

“How could I have been so lucky to find someone to care as much as you and Kitty?”

“We wouldn't care so much if you weren't so wonderful.”

The sincerity in her voice was his undoing. Any shred of restraint vanished. Before he knew what he was doing, his arms were around Sibyl, and he was kissing her with an ardor all the more intense for having been denied so long. When he realized she was responding just as eagerly, it was nearly too much. Still, he fought to keep control. It almost wouldn't matter if he dropped dead afterward. He would have had this one moment of indescribable happiness.

Finally, Sibyl broke the kiss. “You've got to take better care of yourself. You may not care what happens to you, but
I
care very much. Now before I say something I can't retract, I'm going back inside.” She kissed him again—quickly this time—then turned and almost ran back around the corner of the house.

Logan was unable to move for several moments. His life had taken a turn so abrupt that it had thrown him off balance. Did Sibyl love him as much as he loved her? It seemed impossible that could be true. Still, she had responded to his kiss and kissed him again. Surely she wouldn't have done that out of mere sympathy. The euphoria started to wear off, leaving him feeling weak and shaken. Needing to sit for a few minutes, he walked over to the steps and sank down. Trusty approached and whined softly.

“I'm not going to fade out on you yet,” he told the dog. “In fact, once I get my strength back, I'm going to do everything I can to live. I might even see that doctor. I never knew holding a woman in my arms could make me feel like I've been half asleep for my whole life.” So many possibilities of what life could be like flooded his mind that he didn't hear the door open behind him.

“Are you okay? I knew I shouldn't have agreed to let you ride home alone.”

Logan turned to see Jared coming down the steps toward him. “I'm fine, really. I just had something I needed to think about, and I didn't want to be on a horse when I did it.”

“That's when I do some of my best thinking,” Jared said.

“Too many distractions. I like to sit still and close my eyes.”

“I left you just minutes ago. There's nobody here but your horse and your dog. How could anything so important have happened?”

“It's just something that occurred to me unexpectedly.”

Jared sat down on the step next to him. “I hope it's not about your health. I'm sure Dr. Kessling could find a cure if you'd just give him a chance.”

“I'm thinking about doing just that.”

“Good. I know Sibyl thinks a lot of you, but you're important to all of us.”

It was all Logan could do not to blurt their connection. “Why? I'm just a stranger who wandered into town a few weeks ago.”

Jared chuckled. “After all you've done, you're not
just a stranger
.” He sobered. “There's something different about you. I don't know what it is, but I feel there's a connection between us, and not just because we have the same last name. I have from the beginning. It's almost like you're part of our family.” Jared got to his feet. “Now I've talked enough nonsense for one evening. Give me a few minutes to saddle a horse, and I'll ride with you.”

“There's no need. I'm perfectly fine. My horse knows the way, and Trusty will make sure nothing attacks me.”

Jared shook his head. “It's almost like you're related to us. You're just as stubborn as Colby. You'd better arrive home safely. If anything were to happen to you, Sibyl would never forgive me.”

Logan appreciated Jared's concern, but he wished he wouldn't bother about him. His worry made it hard to keep from telling Jared they were brothers. The odds against finding both Jared and Colby had been so great it was hard to believe he hadn't made a mistake somehow. But as much as he was tempted, he couldn't. He would stay as long as he could, spend as much time with them as he could manage, but he would leave before he died. Both men had worked hard for their happiness. He would not be responsible for bringing sadness into their lives.

But his thoughts didn't stay dark. As he thought back over the evening, he remembered some of the stories they'd told, and he found himself laughing at them again. How was it that he and his father had never laughed like that? Why should this be another aspect of life he'd missed? His life had been successful and rewarding, but had it been fun? He'd thought success itself was sufficient reward, but now he wasn't sure. When he looked back, he couldn't remember he and his father ever doing anything just for fun. Everything had been about work. He'd always enjoyed what he did, never thought he might be missing out on anything, until now. As far back as he could remember, life had been a serious matter.

In the beginning, he was afraid his new father wouldn't be proud of him, might even regret having adopted him. He'd done everything he could to make sure that wouldn't happen. He didn't know when he'd started to be comfortable, probably not until he was nearly twenty, when he started to feel his contribution was equal to his father's. Building the business had been hard, had taken all their energy, and required all their attention. Trips to Santa Fe had been long and dangerous. There always seemed to be a challenge in front of them, another obstacle to overcome. He believed his father had come to love him—he certainly loved Samuel Lowe—but their love had lacked the joy, the sheer fun, he'd experienced this evening. He'd spent his free time shooting at targets. His father had spent too much time arguing with his brother.

Had he known love could include joy? Until now, he'd thought of it as a duty, a responsibility, a loyalty—maybe even a return for what he'd been given. It had been his father's duty to be responsible for his brother and niece. His engagement to Bridgette showed his loyalty to the family that had adopted him—as well as a return for what he'd been given. It had seemed so ordinary then, so
natural
. Why did it seem so unnatural now?

Because of Sibyl. Because of the kiss. He'd never come close to feeling this way about any woman. Why did it have to happen when he had so little time left? It seemed like an unusually cruel twist of fate.

“Be glad you're not a man,” he said to Trusty, who trotted alongside his horse. “All you need to be happy is a full stomach, a dry bed, and someone to snuggle up to at night.” He laughed at his own words. “Who am I kidding? That's about all a man needs, too.”

About all.
That was the crux. It was that little bit more that made the difference.

* * *

“You're looking mighty chipper this morning,” Cassie said when Logan entered the bank. “It must have been a really good party.”

“It wasn't a party,” he explained. “Just dinner.”

“Whatever it was, it agreed with you.”

It had agreed with him so well he'd gone straight to bed without taking his medicine. As a precaution, he'd taken a double dose this morning. He felt better than he had in a long time. He wanted to make it last as long as possible. He felt so good he was even reconsidering his decision to leave without telling Colby and Jared that they were brothers. Maybe he was getting better. Maybe the clean air, clear water, and plenty of rest was making a difference.

But that wasn't the only change. For the first time, he had begun to feel a connection with people. He'd thought he been connected before, even with Bridgette and his uncle, but he'd come to realize he was only going through the motions. He cared—or thought he cared—because he was supposed to, because they were his father's family. He cared about the people who worked for him because that was something else he was expected to do. He asked about their children, about their health, but had he really been interested? Did he remember their answers a day or a week later?

He could remember every conversation he'd had with Sibyl. He replayed them on his rides to and from town. They even invaded his dreams. He cared about Kitty, Peter, Esther, and Little Abe. He worried Cassie would never fall in love again, wondered if Horace was completely happy working in the bank. He absorbed every detail he could about Jared and Colby. He wanted to feel a part of their lives, even if only from a distance. It was as though someone had turned a mirror around, and he saw everything in ways he'd never imagined. For too long he'd been going through the motions, doing what was expected,
feeling
what was expected. It had taken a life-threatening illness to open his eyes. He hoped it wasn't too late.

“Mrs. Spencer is driving in from her cousin's ranch this morning,” he told Cassie. “I don't know when she'll arrive.”

Cassie laughed. “She's already here. She said she hoped
you
would be coming in late.” Cassie tilted her head, her curiosity easy to see. “It seems the evening agreed with both of you. What did Laurie cook? Did she have any leftovers?”