Forever and Always (10 page)

Ryan sighed. “I’m pissed about what
Sean did to you so don’t think that I don’t care. But I think it’s
best if I remain calm while you’re emotional—it keeps you
grounded.”

“
I hope Sean
dies.”

Ryan shook his head. “I know you don’t
mean that.”

“
Fuck yes, I
do.”

“
Scarlet, this is an ugly
color on you,” he said. “Knock it off.”

I stared at my brother then looked
away. My brother was right. I was being childish. Sean just left me
and I was entitled to be angry, but I was lashing out at
everything—including my brother. “I’m sorry,” I
whispered.

“
It’s okay,” he said.
“Let’s go home.”

We threw our shakes away and walked
back to the apartment. When we were inside, I went into my bedroom
and Ryan followed me. I got into the covers and he was about to lie
on the floor beside me.

“
Ryan, I’m fine,” I said.
“I don’t need you to sleep in here.”

“
It’s okay if you aren’t
fine, Scarlet.”

“
But I am,” I said. “And
I’m not just saying that.”

“
I don’t mind sleeping
with you.”

“
Well, I don’t need you
to.”

Ryan stared at me for a moment and
noticed the determination in my eyes. He got up and walked towards
the door. “I’m down the hall if you change your mind.”

“
Good night.”

“
Good night, Scar,” he
said. “I love you.”

“
I love you,
too.”

Ryan left me alone in the darkness. I
picked up my phone and turned it off, not wanting to talk to
anybody. I probably wouldn’t turn it on again—ever.

8

I was doing the bookkeeping at the
shop while Ryan was working with his clients. I sighed when I
realized that Ryan was still only breaking even. I didn’t know when
business would start picking up. The government hadn’t contacted me
again, and I hoped they forgot about me, which I knew was wishful
thinking.

“
How are the books?” Ryan
asked as he walked behind the counter. My brother was being
particularly nice to me since Sean dumped me. I appreciated his
wing of protection, but I hated seeing him worry about me. I had
already fallen low once, and I refused to do it again. My brother’s
fear of my depression just made me feel worse.

“
They are the same.” I
sighed. “People just don’t want tattoos right now.”

Ryan sighed. “It’ll pick up again,” he
said. “Business in unpredictable and constantly changing. Don’t
worry about it.”

“
Okay,” I said.

Cortland walked in the door and nodded
to Ryan. “You want to grab some grub?” he asked.

“
No,” Ryan answered. “I’m
too busy right now. But take Scarlet.”

“
You’re letting me leave
for the day, boss?” I asked.

Ryan smiled at me. “Well, since you’re
working for free, you can call all the shots.”

“
Or is it because I’m your
sugar mama?” I said. “That’s
why
I get to call all the shots.”

Cortland laughed. “She has a point,”
he said. “Where do you want to go?”

“
Whatever you want,” I
said. “I’m not very hungry.”

Cortland thought for a moment. “How
about a deli shop?” he asked.

“
Sure,” I said.

“
We’ll see you later,”
Cortland said to Ryan as we walked out. Cortland opened the door
for me and we drove across town to a small sandwich shop. We
ordered our food and Cortland paid before we sat down. I didn’t
even reach for my wallet. It was pointless.

Cortland looked at me. “You are
finally learning.” He smiled.

“
That you’re a douche?” I
asked. “I picked up on that a long time ago.”

Cortland laughed. “I’m glad that you
are taking this breakup so well,” he said. “It’s only been a week
and you are doing great. I know how much you loved him.”

I wiped my mouth with a napkin. “It’s
his loss.”

Cortland nodded. “You got that right,”
he said. “That bitch is a fucking idiot.”

Cortland’s words made me realize how
mad he was about the whole thing. Ryan and Cortland tried to act
calm and collected, but I knew they were furious about what
happened. I was glad that they were acting normal. It was helping
me get back to my center.

“
Do you like your
sandwich?” he asked.

I nodded. “It’s good.”

“
Maybe you should drop it
on the ground then eat it.” He teased. “You might like it better
that way.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m going to have
to listen to this for the rest of my life, aren’t I?”

“
You just figured that
out?”

I threw a chip at him and he caught it
in his mouth. “Ta-da,” he said with a slight bow.

I started laughing at the scene. My
unstoppable laughter made Cortland laugh as well.

“
You are so much fun to be
around,” he said as he ate his food.

“
It takes two people to
have a good time.”

“
And only one to start a
party,” he said. “How is the editing going?”

“
Good,” I said. “I made a
payment towards my loan, but it’s nowhere near the twenty percent
mark.”

“
And how much is
that?”

“
Thirty grand,” I
said.

“
Wow,” he said. “Please
let me lend you some money.”

“
No.”

“
Don’t be
stubborn.”

“
I have no idea if I will
ever pay you back.”

“
And that’s
fine.”

“
No,” I said. “Now drop
it.”

“
Then what are you going
to do?”

“
Make as many payments as
I can.”

Cortland nodded. “My offer is always
on the table.”

“
I know.” I smiled. “And
thank you.”

Cortland stared at me for a moment.
“Has he called?”

“
No.”

“
That’s probably for the
best,” he said. “I would hate to imagine Ryan intercepting that
call.”

“
I would gladly hand it
over.” I smiled.

Cortland laughed. “Are you ready to
go?” He pushed his food away.

“
Yeah. I’m
stuffed.”

“
I can tell,
fatty.”

“
I’m a fine lady and I
know it,” I said.

“
I love it when girls say
that,” he said as he opened the car door. “Most of the time, women
just complain about their features.” Cortland shut the door then
got into the driver seat. “There’s no point in complaining about
something you can’t change, so just shut up.”

“
Well, women are
annoying.”

Cortland drove back to the apartment
and walked me to the door. “What are you going to do for the rest
of the day?” he asked as we walked inside.

“
I have another article to
write for Mark and a manuscript to finish, also known as rent
money.”

Cortland laughed. “I think it’s
awesome that you are helping Ryan so much,” he said. “I know he
really appreciates it.”

“
I know he
does.”

“
The shop will be back to
normal soon, and then you can take care of your loans,” he said.
“It’s going to be okay.”

I smiled at him. “I know it
is.”

Cortland left and I started working on
the article for the Seattle Gazelle when the stab of melancholy
hit. Fighting it grew more difficult as the days wore on. I missed
Sean immensely, and the pain of his betrayal was too much to bear.
Dreams of him woke me up in the middle of the night, and I cried
myself back to sleep, wishing that we were still together. Cortland
and Ryan were fooled. They really thought I was fine, but I was
nothing of the sort. The truth is, I’d never felt worse.

9

Sean

Penelope moved in as soon as I got
home. It was a drastic change, going from being with Scarlet to
living with Penelope, my pregnant fiancé, but I knew it was
necessary since we were getting married anyway. Penelope’s stomach
bulged out slightly, but I still thought she was beautiful and
attractive.

The first time we made love, it was
awkward. I thought about Scarlet. I forced the thought from my mind
because I knew it was unfair to Penelope to think about somebody
else, especially since she was going to be my wife and the mother
of my child. I expected everything to be the same as before she
left. She apologized to me often about what happened, and I always
told her she was forgiven. It didn’t matter anymore.

But as the days went by, I realized
that our conversations at dinner were forced, like she didn’t feel
like talking most of the time. She also quit her job even though
she was only five weeks pregnant. She loved her job, so I was
surprised that she left it so suddenly.

It was evident that we didn’t have
anything in common anymore. Penelope didn’t like sports, playing
them or watching them, and we didn’t have the same taste in movies,
music, or television. Most of the time, we had nothing to talk
about and I wasn’t sure why. Was it always like this? Was I just so
blind and infatuated by her beauty that I hadn’t noticed it
before?

The sex was mediocre and passionless.
When I questioned Penelope about it, she said the hormones from the
pregnancy were making her moody. I dropped the topic and hoped that
she was telling the truth. Since my bedroom needs weren’t being
met, I assumed she would compensate in other ways, by going down on
me or doing other things, but she never made an effort. I didn’t
want to tell her what I wanted. I wanted her to do it on her
own.

The humongous ring was always on her
finger everywhere she went, which made me happy that she was proud
of her commitment to me. She was also mesmerized by the ring I
bought her, which had over two-karats of diamonds in the band, and
had cost me a fortune. When we walked around the park after work,
we walked hand in hand, but nothing was said. I tried to strike up
a conversation with her or tell her a joke, but she never seemed to
understand what I was saying. Sometimes I wondered if she was
listening to me at all.

I told Brian about my engagement to
Penelope, and like everyone else in the office, he was stunned by
the news. He couldn’t believe I would dump Scarlet after I
confessed how much I loved her, but I had to remind him that a baby
was involved. He never understood the relevance.

When I came home from work
one night, Penelope was cooking in the kitchen, preparing dinner
like she did every night. I put down my bag and I realized that she
didn’t ask me how my day was. In fact, she
never
asked me how my day was. When
I really thought about it, Penelope didn’t speak to me very often,
and when she did, it was usually in response to something I
said.

I stared at her back as she moved in
the kitchen and I felt the fear take hold. Perhaps Penelope didn’t
really love me and never had. I understood that we were doing this
just for the baby, but I expected us both to make an effort on our
romantic relationship. It dawned on me that our relationship had
always been this way; empty, lifeless, and dull, but I didn’t
understand why I didn’t notice it before. Why was I only realizing
it now?

When I walked over to Penelope, she
didn’t turn around even though she knew I was right behind her. I
wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her cheek, but she
still didn’t turn around as she continued to focus on the stove.
She cared more about dinner than embracing her fiancé after he got
home from work. She didn’t even say hi to me. It was like we
weren’t even friends. How were we supposed to be loving parents to
our kid if we didn’t even respect each other? She told me how much
she loved me, but now she was indifferent to my existence. I didn’t
understand what was going on.

“
How was your day?” I
asked.

“
It was okay,” she said
with a sigh. She stirred the rice in the pan then checked the
chicken in the oven. Patiently, I waited for her to turn around and
acknowledge me, ask me about my day, kiss me on the cheek, or even
look at me. It was obviously a lost cause.

I sat on the couch and stared at the
blank television screen, wishing that this wasn’t happening to me.
My choice could never be changed. I was stuck with the decision I
made, one that I regretted. What was the point of marrying a woman
who didn’t even like me? My kid would see through that eventually.
That his mother and father didn’t love each other. That’s not what
I wanted at all. I wanted to be a real family—not a broken
one.

My phone rang from my pocket and I
pulled it out, not caring about who it was. There was only one
person that I wanted to talk to, and I knew she would never contact
me. I’d lost her forever. The screen displayed Ryan’s name and I
took a deep breath, knowing that this conversation was going to be
painful. I walked into my bedroom and shut the door before I
answered it.