Christmas 1897
—with her fingers in a loving manner as she explained her tears.
It had been the significance of the simple words that had been the greatest gift he could ever give her. Through her happy tears, she looked up at him with a love that had made his heart expanded in his chest. It was the same expression he saw in her eyes now as they stood in the cold February air waiting for their carriage. They’d both enjoyed the Oscar Wilde play inside the Lyceum theater, but by the end of the performance Nicholas had seen Victoria’s eyes begin to droop. Over the past two weeks, he’d noticed how tired she was at the end of the day. It puzzled him because in recent days her face had taken on a soft glow that enhanced her beautiful features. As she shivered beside him, he bent his head.
“The carriage won’t be long. You should have waited for me in the lobby.”
“And risk some other woman attempting to flirt with you? No, thanks.” Despite the smile on her lips, he knew it was fear that kept her at his side tonight. Ever since the night she’d almost been killed, she’d refused to leave the house without someone at her side. He would be glad when they could return to Brentwood Park in another month. He saw Victoria cover her mouth with her hand as she yawned.
“You look tired, sweet witch.”
“I am,” she said with a nod.
“You’ve been tired quite a bit of late. I think it’s time I sent for Dr. Waverley.”
“
No
,” she exclaimed with what he thought was fear. She averted her gaze from his for a moment before she looked back at him. “You know how much I hate doctors.”
“Nonetheless, I think it would be—”
“I
don’t
need to see a doctor,” she snapped. When he frowned, she touched his arm with a repentant look on her face. “I’m sorry, Nicholas. I’m tired, and as I’ve told Edmund time and again, you’re a worrywart. I’m fine. I just need some sleep.”
As their carriage rolled to a stop in front of them, Nicholas opened the door and helped Victoria into the vehicle a brief moment later, the carriage rocked into motion. Victoria snuggled into his side and rested her head on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you, darling,” she sighed softly.
“It’s completely unlike you, sweet witch, which is why I think we should call Dr. Waverley.” His response made her straighten up and glare at him.
“Your wife is quite capable of determining when she needs to see a doctor, Lord Guildford. So until I say so, do not mention the word doctor again.”
With a final glare in his direction she scooted away from him to huddle in the corner of the carriage. Stunned by her reaction, he stared at her in open mouth amazement. What the devil was wrong with her? A sudden fear swept through him. Was her personality reverting back? Was she becoming Vickie again?
“Victoria, if something were wrong, you would tell me, wouldn’t you, my love.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” she said in a quiet, but emotionless voice. “I’m tired, Nicholas, nothing more.”
It was at that moment he realized she was lying to him. Anger surged through his veins at the realization. Vickie had lied to him all the time, and the fact that Victoria was lying to him now infuriated him while instilling dread deep down inside.
Christ Jesus
, Victoria had always been honest with him. For her to lie to him now was a kick in his gut.
By the time they arrived home, his anger had grown to a quiet fury. As he followed Victoria upstairs and into her room, he was determined to have the matter settled between them.
“I really am tired, Nicholas. Do you mind if I sleep alone tonight.” The request was another kick in his stomach, but it was the forlorn air about her that dissolved his anger entirely. He quickly pulled her into his arms.
“I know something’s wrong, my love. Tell me what it is. It can’t be so bad that you’re afraid to tell me. Whatever it is, we’ll work through it.”
Victoria buried her face into his shoulder as she hugged him. Her action filled him with relief. She wouldn’t press herself into him so tightly if she no longer loved him. Suddenly, he realized that had been his greatest fear.
“Victoria, do you love me?”
“Of course I do,” she mumbled “I’ll always love you.”
“Then tell me what’s wrong,” he said fiercely. “And don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. I know you too well.”
“I can’t,” she said hoarsely. “I don’t know how.”
She pushed her way out of his arms and moved away from him to remove her sapphire necklace and drop it on her dressing table.
“Damn it, Victoria, I refuse to have secrets between us,” he growled. “I endured enough lies, treachery, and betrayal with Vickie. I’ll not abide that from you as well.”
In a vicious movement, she whirled around to face him and glared at him, but it was the fear and anguish in her blue eyes that made his gut clench with fear.
“I’m pregnant.”
Nicholas felt as though he had been struck by lightning. Rooted to the spot where he stood, he watched Victoria walk past him to sit on the edge of the bed. She was with child. God in heaven, what had he done? It was a culmination of his worst nightmares.
His shoulders sagging, he bent his head as the image of Edmund flashed through his head. He loved his brother, but bringing a child with similar handicaps into the world caused his stomach to roil. Worst of all, Victoria had not told him about the pregnancy.
Nicholas met her gaze in silence, his thoughts churning violently. He noted her slender hips and flat stomach, trying to imagine her round with child. A child that in all likelihood would not have its full faculties. Victoria’s eyes were huge in her pale face.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.” She made a helpless gesture with her hands. “I know how you feel about having children.”
“When is the babe due?” he asked in a dispassionate voice.
“July I think.” Her face displayed a wild despair as he questioned her, but he did not reach out to her.
A part of him wanted to pull her into his arms, but he resisted the impulse. He needed time to think. Time to put things into perspective. In many ways, he felt like a fox trapped by baying hounds. It wasn’t a pleasant sensation.
“If you’ll excuse me, I will leave you to your rest.” Wheeling about on his heel, he headed toward the bedroom door.
“Nicholas,” she rasped hoarsely. “Please, I need to know how you feel about this.”
The quiet desperation in her voice twisted his heart, but he could not turn to face the misery he knew would be visible on her face. He could not console her when he knew he did not want this child.
“The deed is done, madam. Regrets do not allow one to turn back the clock.”
He didn’t look back, but continued out of the room. He needed something to do, something to occupy him as he absorbed the reality of his current situation. Charles had invited him to a game of cards tonight, but he’d turned his friend down as he and Victoria were attending the play. Knowing his friend, Charles would no doubt be playing until the early morning hours, and focusing on a game of cards would allow him to process what Victoria had just told him. Without a second thought, he charged out of the house and flagged down a hack. He’d made Victoria with child, and there was only one other thing he feared more, and that was losing her.
§ § §
Nicholas rolled over in the bed he’d slept in at the club. His head was pounding. After he and Charles had quit their card game early this morning, he’d proceeded to drink himself into a stupor. He’d allowed his friend to assume he and Victoria had had a lover’s quarrel, while coming to the realization that he was an ass. Nicholas groaned out loud. It had been years since he’d drunk himself into oblivion, and his body was protesting the abusive drinking of the night before.
He swung his legs off the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. Drowning his sorrows in whiskey had done nothing to ease his miserable state. He’d fathered a child, and there was nothing that could be done about it. Dropping his head into his hands, he groaned again. What was he going to do if the child turned out to be like Edmund? Who would care for the child after he and Victoria were gone? There was no one else to take over the family title.
The sudden image of Victoria’s face from last night returned to haunt him. Guilt spread through him as he remembered their conversation. There had been no doubt of her desperation and misery. He’d heard it in her voice, and he’d failed her. Instead of reassuring her, he’d gone off to lick his wounds, leaving her alone without even thinking about how his words might have made her feel. He loved her, and his response to her news had made it sound as though he blamed her for what had happened. The fault lay with him. He was a bastard. He needed to go home and apologize.
Victoria had clearly been dealing with this for several months. Looking back, he could see the toll it had been taking on her. The moments when he’d seen her staring off into space with a look of despair, her tiredness, the lackluster look in her eyes at different points in time. God help him, but he was responsible for her pain.
He’d made it clear he never wanted children, and knowing how he’d felt it had been impossible for her to tell him the truth sooner. He still wouldn’t know if he’d not pushed her last night. Nicholas sighed. He didn’t just need to apologize to her, he needed to grovel. His wife was the most wonderful thing in his life, and without her, he was nothing. At this point he was facing another uphill battle to win her forgiveness. But he’d done it before, and he’d do it again. Nicholas intended to be there for her
and
the child, no matter what the circumstances.
Rising to his feet, he swayed slightly where he stood. Bloody hell, his head hurt. With a grimace, he dressed and left the club. The hack that drove him home seemed to hit every pot hole in the street. By the time the small carriage pulled up in front of the town house, his head resounded with a repetitive beating drum. Inside the house, he headed slowly for the stairs intent on speaking to Victoria right away. From the library, Edmund came charging out and tackled him to the hard marble floor.
“What did you do to her, Nicholas?” his brother shouted as Nicholas was forced to deflect his brother’s blows as he attempted to wrestle Edmund to the ground. “Why did you make her leave? You go find her and bring her back.”
“Damn it to hell, Edmund,” he snapped as he managed to pin his brother to the floor. “What the devil are you talking about?”
“Victoria,” his brother said angrily. “You sent her away.”
“I didn’t send Victoria away,” Nicholas rasped as his heart sank like a stone in a pond, and he allowed Edmund to sit up. “Where is she, Edmund? Tell me where Victoria is.”
“I don’t know.” Edmund, his face wet with tears, sat on the floor staring at Nicholas.
“What do you mean, you don’t know,” Nicholas said hoarsely. “
Roberts. Jamieson
.”
His voice was a loud roar in the foyer, as he helped his brother to his feet. Jamieson was the first to arrive, and the butler’s expression was grave and uneasy.
“I’m sorry, my lord,” Jamieson said in an awkward tone. “It’s Lady Guildford. She’s gone.”
“What do you mean she’s gone?” Fear sliced through him like a knife. Had someone kidnapped her? “When?”
“Sometime after breakfast.”
“And no one saw her leave?” he snarled.
“No, my lord.” Jamieson shook his head with regret. “Molly brought her toast for breakfast, and her ladyship sent her away with orders she didn’t want to be disturbed. When Molly returned for the tray, she discovered her ladyship was gone, and the smallest of her ladyship’s traveling cases is missing and a few of her dresses.”
“
Sweet Jesus
,” Nicholas whispered as he stared at the floor. He’d done this. He’d driven her from the house. He pulled his pocket watch out of his vest. It was three o’clock. God help him, he’d slept more than half the day away thanks to his drinking binge last night. Victoria had at least a six-hour head start. She could be anywhere. From the staircase, Roberts called out to him and waved a letter in his hand as the valet ran down the stairs.
“My lord, I found this on the fireplace mantle in your room,” his valet said as he crossed the floor and handed Nicholas the white envelope. With Edmund and the other men watching in solemn silence, Nicholas ripped open the flap and pulled the note out.
Nicholas,
It seems you are right after all, I’m just like Vickie. I know you’ll never be able to forgive me, but I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I never meant to betray you by hiding my pregnancy. I knew you would be upset. I wanted to tell you the truth. I just didn’t know how. I’m sure you’ll find that hard to believe, and I’m pretty sure you’ll think I’ve been lying to you since that day in Goodmans cottage.
You might even wonder if the baby is yours. I don’t expect you to believe me, but I am carrying your child. I never meant to hurt you, and I know the best way to solve the problem is for me to go home. I don’t want my presence to be a constant reminder of how I betrayed you with my lie. I think you’ll be much better off without me here. I love you, no matter what time period I live in. I’m sorry.
Victoria
P. S. Please give my love to Edmund. I didn’t have the strength to say goodbye to him.
Home. He stared at the word for a moment as his body grew cold. Did she intend to bring another fainting spell on herself so she could go to the one place he couldn’t follow her? No, he couldn’t believe that of her, but the mere thought of it terrified him.
“My lord,” Roberts spoke up quietly. “Her ladyship took the pound notes from your wardrobe.”
“Bloody hell,” he rasped and closed his eyes.
She’d left without saying where she was going and for all he knew whoever had been sending the threatening notes could have been watching her and might have followed her. Where would she go? Brentwood Park. Perhaps that was the home she was referring to. He could only pray he was right. Fear galvanized him into motion.
“It’s more than possible the countess has gone back to Brentwood Park. Jamieson, on the off chance she hasn’t left London, send someone to Lord and Lady Starling’s residence to see if her ladyship went there. I’ll go to my sister’s.” He turned his head to meet his valet’s concerned gaze. “Roberts, pack my things. I’m going to go after her ladyship.”