Chapter 15 (PEPPA)
I hear a lot of shouting around me. My head is buried deep into Noah’s chest so the words are all muffled. Juan’s name is uttered and I can just about hear someone telling him to calm down. The pain that rages inside of me eases a bit, my breathing evens out so I’m not struggling for air. My heartbeat is still erratic, pumping away in fear and my head feels like it’s being bashed in with a hammer. My mind swirls with questions I don’t know if I want the answers to, because it means the ones I love have betrayed me.
A kiss is placed on the top of my head, a hand curls under my chin and my face is slowly lifted. My eyes are closed shut as tears still burst from them. I’m scared to open them in case Noah isn’t there, that this is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up from it any minute now.
A soft kiss is placed to my lips and it’s his voice that whispers to me, “I’ve missed you so much. Please open your eyes Peppa, let me look into your soul so I know you feel the same way.”
A sob erupts from my mouth along with the words, “I’m scared to, what if this isn’t real?”
His hand strokes my face then brushes my hair out of my eyes and his breath tickles my lips, “I’m real sweetheart. Let me show you I exist, that my lips are sincere when they touch yours. That my arms that hold you so dearly are genuine and will hold onto you for forever.”
His lips slant over mine and I sigh into his mouth, my body liquefies and his hold on me tightens. His tongue invades my mouth tasting me where he can. I can’t help the soft moan that erupts from me and is captured by him when our tongues entangle. He kisses me with a passion of long lost lovers and when his mouth moves to my neck, I moan again from knowing that he is indeed very real.
I finally open my eyes to peer down at Noah, his stunning brown eyes meet mine and they tell me everything. The love he has for me shines through. He smiles into my neck and places small butterfly kisses up and down it. My head falls back to give him more access but I’m suddenly wrenched away from him and pulled into Juan’s arms. My head twists to glare at Juan. His face is blank showing no emotion and I struggle in his arms for him to let go of me.
His eyes are focused on Noah and his words make my head snap back around to observe what he is talking about. “Noah I won’t let you bite her. Put your fangs away now!”
My mouth dries up as I watch Noah shake his head in disbelief. His hand quickly shoots up to cover his mouth and mine goes to my heart to try and slow it down somehow. My mind goes blank, my body shuts down from shock and I hear Noah say, “I wouldn’t hurt her Juan. I could never do that.”
My body goes limp in Juan’s arms and I sense myself being lifted and placed down on soft leathery material. My eyes focus on the ceiling as everyone chatters around me. I can’t hear what they say, I don’t want to.
I don’t know how long I laid there, but I somehow find my voice, “Noah’s a vampire? You knew all along where he was? Why Juan? You watched me suffer for weeks. I was dying inside and you could have stopped that. Every night you held me in your arms and told me you loved me. You don’t lie to the ones you love. You lied to me Juan. Oh Juan why?”
I certainly didn’t expect all that to pour out of my mouth all at once and from the hushed silence in the room, no one else did either. Fingers stroke the back of my hand and my head twists to the culprit as I’m pulling my hand away from their touch. Noah’s head lowers and I glare at him waiting to hear what he has to say for himself.
“Please try to understand, Juan saved me so we can stay together. I made the choice to stay for you. Juan was trying to protect us Peppa...”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence as Juan knelt down next to him and takes his hand in his. A feeling of unease suddenly hits me and my mind quickly makes up an assumption that they are lovers and are fully Entwined, but I should of known that anyway when we all cried out in pain. My eyes close and the tears swell and fall, my body starts to shake with rejection and distress as I blurt out, “You don’t want me anymore. You have each other. You can be one happy vampire family now.”
Yes my bitchy self is back.
Noah shakes his head then raises it to gaze at me and tears fall from his eyes, “That’s not true. I want you Peppa. This doesn’t work without you. Please, I love you so much. I have just gained you back, don’t push me away.”
I suddenly jump into a sitting position when Juan’s shouts of desperation rings out. He stands and peers down at me. His whole being pours out sorrow and I grab Noah’s hand out of fear. “This is all my fault, all I wanted is to love you both and for us to be happy together. You have to understand, I did this not only to protect the vampire race. I did it so you weren’t involved in the lies Peppa. That you wouldn't have to change who you are to protect us. I hated lying to you, it destroyed me every time and believe me, the self-loathing I’m enduring right now will never make up for the pain I have put the both of you through. I’m sorry Peppa, I’m so so sorry. Please forgive me.”
He stumbles to the floor and cries with anguish. His pain soon starts to creep its way into my soul and I can’t take anymore, I have to leave, this is too much.
I use all the strength I can muster to push my body up to stand, I don’t feel anger, in fact, I feel nothing. I glance down at Juan and I know my next words will harm him, but I don’t care. I want him to hurt as much as he has hurt me. “You took away one of the people I love most in this world, and hid him from me. Right now, I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that, no matter how much it was to protect me.”
I will my feet to move and thankfully they do, but they stop again when Juan’s words reach me. “Do you love me too Peppa, or have I lost that also?”
I don’t look at him but I answer him honestly, “I will always love you Juan. The only thing you have lost is my trust, yet again. I forgave you the first time, I don’t know if I can again.”
I carry on walking to find Noah blocking my exit, his face is etched with grief. My hand reaches up to stroke his cheek and his hand does the same to mine. His lips tremble as his words pierce my heart, “I will see you again right?”
I lower my head because I can’t answer that.
“I remember saying something similar before to you and I won’t let you walk away from me, not without a fight. It’s going to take time for this to sink in, but remember, I’m here Peppa. I’m one part of your other half and I’m yours forever.”
He slowly takes my hand away from his face and with my eyes I follow his actions. He rests my hand on his chest where his now still heart sits. “This will always be yours. I choose you over it. I choose the both of you, over my own life, I will not stand by and watch it all fall apart. Prepare yourself for a fight, because I’m not going to lose this battle, we will be a threesome again.”
My hand falls from his chest as he pulls me closer to him and kisses my forehead, my eyes, and both cheeks until his mouth touches with mine. He softly kisses my lips then pulls away taking it no further. He tells me he loves me and steps to the side to let me leave.
With everything I have in me, my hand grabs onto the door handle and I pull it down. The door opens and the cold air slaps me around the face as I walk away from my lovers. Numb, that’s all I feel as I start to stroll home, I have no idea where I’m going. It’s only when I walk past the same building twice that I realize I’m lost. I pull my phone out of my trousers, at least I can thank Juan for one thing, he remembered to slide it into my pocket when he dressed me.
I call Monica, struggling to get the words out. In a firm voice she asks me to tell her the name of the street or the nearest building. I manage to tell her and I stand there shivering, waiting for her, but it’s not from the cold, it’s from shock as my mind plays out tonight’s events over and over again. I hear her talking to me as she helps me into the car. She asks me all kinds of questions on the drive home but I don’t answer any of them.
I automatically thank her when I get out of the car and stride past Hans, who is standing at the front door waiting for us. I walk into the lounge and head for the bar to make myself a drink, but I change directions and carry on walking to leave the room to go to bed.
Monica shouts after me, “Peppa, talk to me! This isn’t like you! Are you hurt? Did Jacob do this?”
I turn my head to glance over my shoulder at her and sense the tears as they start to roll down my face. The words sting when they leave my mouth, “When Juan turns up, tell him I don’t want to see him and to leave me alone.”
I don’t wait for her reaction, I carry on my path and when I reach the bedroom I climb onto the bed, curl myself up into a ball and let it all out the only way I know how. I honestly feel like I'm dying. My body aches, my head is ready to explode with everything going around it. My eyes are heavy with lack of sleep. No doubt they are red and puffy from crying. My heart beat in my chest but every time it does it feels like I'm being stabbed. I crawl into myself, find a space deep inside to hide, so I can cut myself off from it all. And I'm not coming out anytime soon.
Monica would appear bringing me food and drink, but I didn’t touch it. She climbed on the bed at one point and just held me. She didn’t ask questions, she was letting me know she was there for me. I know he will come when the light faded, I felt him as soon as he walked into the house. I also felt how desperate he is when he cried out my name, his dejection made me weep. I can detect his love for me and that hurt more than anything because I can’t get over the fact that if he loves me, he wouldn’t have lied to me.
An argument has started and the raised voices are getting nearer and nearer. The door knob rattles and I heard Juan say, “Get out of the way Hans, I need to see her.”
My reaction is to pull the covers over my head as my heart stops in its tracks and I tell myself,
if I can’t hear him he isn’t there.
I find the strength to quietly say, I know he will still hear me, “Get out Juan, just leave.”
I hear a thud on the door and then his voice, “Please Peppa, talk to me, scream, shout, whatever it takes but please don’t discard me.”
I honestly don’t know what to say to him, it just all feels too raw to contemplate anything right now. So I ignore him. There is silence for a while but his voice comes again, “You will never know how sorry I am. I ask one thing of you, please don’t blame Noah. He loves you so much and needs you. Don’t let how you feel about me stand in the way of the happiness you can have with him. I…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence and the connection weakens as his footsteps fade away and he leaves. Again the tears flow, because I knew what he was going to say. I can sense it right to my bones as he made sure I felt his emotions.
Nightmares plague me that night. Juan and Noah would be standing there kissing each other, their hands exploring each other’s bodies. They would then turn to stare at me, their fangs on show, blood running from their smirking mouths. Juan would lean closer to Noah and lick the blood from his mouth and they both groaned with pleasure. I wake up screaming and shouting, when they take each other’s hands and start to stride away.
“Peppa, it’s ok. What did that bastard do to you?” Monica pulls me into her arms and rocks me while I silently cry. “Please talk to me Peppa.”
I remain silent and Monica sighs out her frustration. I must have fallen back to sleep as I wake to find myself alone. I turn over and wrinkle my nose, I can smell myself and it isn’t very pleasant. I head for the bathroom as I need a wee, I take a peek at the shower and decided I can’t be bothered. After doing my business I fumbled back to my bed and I find Hans waiting for me. I slither back into bed and pull the covers over me.
Hans gazes at me sympathetically, “Monica is worried about you, and she has been phoning Juan leaving him messages. She wanted to go find him and beat the shit out of him, but I talked her out of it.”
My mouth twitches trying to smile at the thought of Monica attacking Juan, but I didn’t have the energy. “I sent her to visit with her sister under the pretense I will speak to you to find out what’s going on.”
I let out a huff, I can’t tell Hans that Juan knew where Noah was all this time and let me suffer.
I have to keep the secret now
. Words started to form in my mouth, but not the words he is expecting to hear, “Tell Monica what you are Hans. If you love her, don’t let secrets and lies tear you apart, because they will if you’re not honest with her.”
He gapes at me shocked, but then he goes one better and dumbfounds me with his next words, “I picked up on something Juan said last night, he knew where Noah was all along, didn’t he?”
I turn my head away quickly so he can’t see my answer, which clearly shows on my face. I close my eyes and tears splashes down my face.
“I guess you don’t want to hear why he didn’t tell you, but you must know it was to protect you.” I shake my head letting Hans know I don’t want to hear anymore.
The bed moves slightly as he gets up and stands, “I will tell Monica I couldn’t get you to talk. My lips are sealed as you didn’t actually tell me anything. But, take some of your own advice Peppa, don’t let this rip you all apart. Face your demons, listen to what Juan and Noah have to say, because they both worship the ground you walk on and a love like that is too powerful to throw away.”
I watch as he strolls to the door, astonished by his words, and he turns back to look at me with a cheeky grin on his face, “Peppa, honey, take a shower. You stink.”
This causes a weak laugh to spill from my mouth and I find myself thanking him. He nods at me, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I know I'm not ready to hear what either of them have to say. I need to get past my grief first, before I take on theirs. I love them both, I just need to work out if forgiveness is something I can give again.
As I stand in the shower cleansing, something I have control over, a quote I have read somewhere comes to me, ‘There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.’
Oh did that ever ring true.