Gah! I wasn’t ready to think about children yet. Louis and I were already on the fast track in our relationship. Children were definitely a few years away.
“Thanks for the reminder, Mom. I have way too many other things to think about. I think a child at this point in time would be the end of me.” I chuckled.
“Don’t even joke about that, Duck. These things have a way of happening...”
Gross! My dad was talking about my sex life. It was time to end the call.
“On that note, Dad, I must go. I love you both! I promise to call again soon.”
My mom was not eager to end the call. “Say hello to Louis for us! And please tell his mother how much I’m looking forward to meeting her.” I could hear my dad in the background trying to get her to hang up the phone. A sentimental mother is one difficult woman to battle. And the possibility of leftover hormones from menopause didn’t paint a favorable picture for my father.
“Bye, Duck!” I could picture my dad trying to physically remove the phone from her hands.
My mom was struggling to get a few last words in. “Bye, Syd! We love you!” Click.
Clearly, my dad was trying to curtail the level of emotion that he was going to have to deal with this evening. He found women in general to be far too irrational for his taste, but he loved my mom dearly, so he grudgingly talked through her concerns. But that didn’t mean he had to like it.
I laid back on the couch and closed my eyes. I felt much more relaxed than I had in a long time. Things were starting to fall into place. Louis and I were blissfully happy, we had a beautiful apartment and we were starting to plan a gorgeous wedding. Life was perfect. Now all I had to do was plan the perfect wedding. How hard could it be?
The last three weeks had been a flurry of wedding research. Maya was in
heaven
. I think she purchased every bridal magazine in existence. Luckily, Kate was starting to feel better, so the three of us had spent many evenings buried in these magazines, discussing everything from the style of my wedding gown to the font choice for the invitations. I had never appreciated how many details there were to create the perfect wedding. Consequently, I was unbelievably glad I had the two of them and my mom helping me. Otherwise, I don’t think I would have made it out alive. My brand of crazy mixed with Bridezilla was a lethal combination and they were very skilled at keeping me in check.
With all these resources, the details quickly began to fall into place. The previous week Louis and I had booked our dream hotel in Monterey for a Saturday wedding in September of next year. We were introduced to our wedding planner, Monica, and given a list of local vendors for everything from flowers to tuxedos. We set up an appointment for early next year to talk about ceremony details and to sample wedding cakes. Louis thought it was hilarious that I was most excited about the cake. But seriously, how could you
not
be excited about the opportunity to keep trying different cakes until you found the most delicious one? Fork, please!
I also had the good fortune of having my good friend, Lexi, refer me to her cousin who would do our flowers for cost. I was thrilled by this offer as I had been completely floored to find out how expensive florists could be. Louis and I didn’t want to spend a fortune, but I also had no intention of having carnations as my bridal bouquet. It’s funny, when you’re a young girl planning your wedding, it seems like a magical experience. (Because in this fantasy, you have an endless budget.) But when you grow up and actually do it, you realize that planning a wedding requires
a lot
of compromise as well as economy. It was easy to see I wasn’t going to have the “perfect” wedding I had long imagined, but it would be beautiful.
I had also never imagined as a child that the true lifesaver for my wedding planning would be a website. All you had to do was enter your wedding date and a few details and you were given a personalized calendar with task lists for each day leading all the way up to your wedding. It was pure genius! I felt a great sense of relief knowing no detail would be forgotten. In fact, I felt a closer kinship to the creator of this website than I did to some of my friends. (Who wouldn’t? My interests always came first as far as the website was concerned!)
Louis was in awe of the lengthy discussions Kate, Maya and I would have on various wedding topics. He didn’t understand why the process of planning a wedding had to be so complicated. I did my best to keep him in the dark, because if he actually knew the extent of our discussions, his head might explode. Men didn’t understand the importance of choosing the right flowers, wedding favors, invitations, etc. They didn’t appreciate how everything had to come together in just the right way in order to make us happy. And they certainly couldn’t fathom that because most women hoped they would only get married once, everything HAD to be perfect. But there was no pressure or anything...
Amidst all the wedding planning, I had completely forgotten about my birthday. This speaks volumes about my level of distraction. While I was not thrilled about being that much closer to thirty, I
loved
celebrating my birthday. You get cake, gifts, a special birthday meal and people just fuss over you in general. (And I always buy myself a gorgeous new outfit.) Celebrating my birthday lifts my spirits every year. And this year, I would have a fiancé to celebrate with! I had never had a boyfriend on my actual birthday, so I was looking forward to my birthday in particular this year. I was on pins and needles as I wondered what he had in store for me.
Finally, my birthday arrived. It was a Thursday night, so I didn’t think Louis would plan a crazy night, but no doubt it would be romantic. I was filled with anticipation as I waited for him to come home from work that evening. Of course, I was all decked out in my birthday ensemble. This year, I had chosen a black fitted pencil skirt, a shimmery violet blouse with a black lace camisole underneath and black high heeled boots. I decided to wear my hair down and followed Maya’s detailed instructions on how to use my new sparkly makeup. I was pretty sure I did her proud this time!
When Louis walked through the door, I jumped up and ran to him. He broke into a huge grin.
“Happy Birthday,
mon coeur
!”
I threw my arms around him and squeezed him tightly. Hmmm. There was a peculiar absence of flowers. I thought he might send me some at work today, but when they didn’t arrive, I figured he had decided to bring a bouquet home with him. Perhaps he had something special waiting for me at the restaurant we were going to?
Louis held my face in his hands and kissed me. “How was your day?”
I grinned. “It was nice! My boss took me to lunch and then invited a bunch of people for cake in the afternoon. Oh, and Kate and Nick sent me the most beautiful flowers.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Excellent. Now where would you like to go for dinner tonight?”
Did I hear him correctly? Did he just ask me at six o’clock on the evening of my birthday where I wanted to go for dinner? Was this some kind of joke?
OK, let’s back up a minute. You’re probably reading this thinking, what’s the big deal? Most men are like this. The fact is that Louis and I had spent a lot of time talking about our childhoods and while he had told me birthdays were never a big deal in his family, I had told him how important they were in mine. I make a huge fuss over my family and friends on their special days and I like to have the same treatment in return.
I had shared this information with Louis in a very upfront manner. I had even told him once if he wanted to marry me, he would be expected to buy me flowers at the very least four times a year - my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day (when the time came). I had been
very
open and honest with him about what was important to me and did not expect him to simply know these things as many women did.
So, now that you have this added background and have been privy to his previous romantic behavior, you can share in my feeling of “What the fuck?” Please forgive my language, but profanity is absolutely necessary in this case.
I stared blankly at Louis. “You mean you haven’t made reservations anywhere?”
He cocked his head to one side. “Was I supposed to?”
I was at a loss for what to say. I felt completely let down and didn’t know how to handle it. My mind started to take off on a journey of its own. This was the man I was going to marry? This was how I was going to be treated by my husband? Is this what I really wanted? I mean, I know marriage is about compromise, but is it too much for him to go through a little effort for my birthday, knowing how important it is to me? How hard is it to buy some flowers and make a dinner reservation? I needed to sit down.
I walked over to the couch and eased myself into a sitting position. I started to feel the tears coming and didn’t know what to do. Louis came over and sat next to me. He took my hand and stroked it.
“What’s the matter, Syd?”
I dropped my eyes to the floor and took a breath. “I’m not sure.”
He grinned and took a box with a ribbon out of his pocket. “Maybe this will make you feel better?
I tried to smile. I took the box and turned it over in my hands.
“Thank you, Louis.”
“Go ahead! Open it.”
I removed the ribbon and opened the box. Inside was a box containing a travel size bottle of Chanel No. 19. I do love this perfume, but it felt like a little bit of a letdown considering he had given me a full sized bottle of Eau de Givenchy when he returned from his trip to France - just because he missed me.
I cleared my throat. “Thank you, Louis. I love this perfume.”
“I’m glad you like it,
mon coeur
. Now where shall we go to dinner?”
At this point, I was barely holding it together. I glanced over at Louis and willed the tears to stay in my eyes.
“You know, Louis, I’m not feeling that well. Would you mind if we stayed here?”
He frowned at me. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I’d like to take a bath.”
He slid his hand down my back. “Do I get to come?”
Is he serious? “I actually have a bit of a headache. I think I’ll relax alone, if you don’t mind.”
Louis seemed confused. “Shall I order some takeout for the birthday girl?”
I had suddenly lost my appetite. I felt completely let down and just wanted to be alone. These are the times when it’s really hard to live with the person who is the source of your sadness.
“I’m not hungry. I guess I had too much cake today.” I examined my shoes.
Louis lifted my chin with his finger and forced me to look him in the eyes. “Are you sure you are alright? You seemed fine, even happy, when I came home and then suddenly you were not.”
I didn’t have it in me to explain this to him. “My headache has gotten worse. I’m sure I’ll be fine after resting.” Right now I wasn’t sure if that was going to be true, but I wanted to believe it.
I got up and went into the bedroom. As I started getting undressed, Louis came in, nostrils flaring. Great. Now he’s upset too.
“Sydney, if we are going to be married, you are going to have to be honest with me. What is the matter?”
Fine. Let’s do this. I turned around to face him. “Today is MY BIRTHDAY.”
He stared at me like I was crazy. “I know this. You love your birthday.” He was clearly waiting for me to elaborate.
“I do love my birthday. And you love me, therefore, you need to love my birthday too.”
He still didn’t understand.
“Louis, I love you very, very much.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Do you remember what I did for you for your birthday?”
He nodded. “You made it very special. I had never had that before. It was amazing.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted for you.” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “I know how much you love me, Bluey. It just....it hurt that you didn’t put more thought into my birthday.”
He seemed utterly bewildered. “But I asked you where you wanted to go to dinner...and I gave you a gift.”
I sighed. I was going to have to give it to him straight. It wasn’t going to sound good.
“You asked me where I wanted to go the evening of my birthday, when it would be too hard to get into a nice restaurant without reservations. You didn’t bring me any flowers and you gave me a gift that wasn’t as nice as the gift you gave me when you came back from France.”
Louis’ face showed signs of anger. “That is not good enough for you? Is this what our relationship comes down to?”
I felt terrible, but if we were going to have an honest relationship, he was going to have to have a clear understanding of what was important to me.
Tears starting spilling down my cheeks. “Louis, it’s not about the amount of money you spend, it’s about the effort. Are you honestly telling me you couldn’t find the time to make a dinner reservation and buy some flowers?”
I could see he was struggling with how to react, between his anger and my tears.
“What is the big deal, Syd? I will buy you flowers tomorrow. We can go to any restaurant that you choose and I will buy you another gift.”
I was completely confused. What happened to my romantic Louis? Did he leave once he moved to the US? I began to freak out, wondering if I had rushed my decision to marry him. My head began to spin, causing me to back away from Louis. I could feel the anxiety descending on me and felt the pressure in my chest. Crap! Of all the times to have a panic attack!
My breathing quickened. “I....I need a minute.” My knees buckled and I found myself sitting on the floor.
Louis rushed over to me. “Syd? Are you OK? What is going on? Do you need a doctor?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. If you let me have some time to myself, I’ll be fine.”
Louis took my hand. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I only need a few minutes, alright?”
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Louis looked at me sadly and sighed. “I’ll go get the door.” He got up slowly and left the bedroom. He still seemed to be very confused.
I heard Louis open the door and greet whomever was outside. They exchanged excited conversation for a few minutes and then I heard the door close. What was that about? Did he really think now was a good time for a chat? I found myself even more irritated with him than I had been a few minutes earlier.
Louis came back into the bedroom to find me sitting in the same spot on the floor.
“Who was that?” I asked, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Sydney, please look at me."