Frigid Affair (13 page)

“So have you? Gotten through it, that is. Do you feel like I was your last hurdle?”

“You’re not a hurdle. I mean, yeah, in some ways it helped me feel like everything was out in the open. One day I was as happy as can be and now it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I wouldn’t say I’m healed, but at least I have hope. I tell ya what though, seeing that little boy is a game changer.

Chapter 14

A game changer.
That’s what Jensen had called it. The only question was how much longer I could pretend this wouldn’t change every single decision I made in my life. It upset me considering that he was going to be around whether I wanted him to or not. How I’d gotten to this point was infuriating. Just when I thought life was giving me a break, I’d been thrown another loop.

I think what made this all so hard was who Jensen was and what he represented to me. I didn’t look at him and immediately see death. It wasn’t anything like that at all. When I looked at him I saw someone who would always know the reason for my pain. He knew my weakness, because in some ways he’d lived through them. I wanted to run as fast and far as my legs would take me, but what good would it do? He’d tracked me down in Alaska. He’d come across the country to apologize for something that wasn’t even his fault. As much as I kept telling myself he was a liar, that he was someone who couldn’t be trusted, I knew it wasn’t true. He’d lied. If I put myself in his shoes I think I would have done the same. It wasn’t like I gave him another choice. He never expected to pull me from that fire, and I’m sure he was even more surprised when I came onto him.

Just like Alice committing suicide, there were consequences to every single decision made. Ours happened to be Christopher.

Jensen wasn’t there during my pregnancy, but it was because I couldn’t track him down. I’d tried to look for him several times. He’d given me a false name, leaving me thinking he was criminal who didn’t want to be found. The real truth was that he couldn’t stay and break my heart, not after the night we shared together.

Like I mentioned before, I wanted to hate him. Every single inkling I had about him had been wrong. I’d pegged him as the worst possible human being on the planet, only to discover he’d suffered a similar tragedy.

We were two lost souls, now bound by a blood relative. Was God trying to tell me something? Was this some sign from my dead family? Was I supposed to let this man into my life?

So many questions were left unanswered, and the more I searched for solutions, the closer I was coming to losing my mind.

Later on, after giving Christopher a bath and putting him to bed, I found Jensen in the large family room. The satellite had been out for most of the day, but he’d turned on a DVD he found in one of the cabinets. I recognized the actors as soon as I sat down at the opposite end of the couch from him. “I haven’t seen this in years.”

“I never met Bob and Eve in person. We corresponded via web chat. I didn’t peg either of them to watch such violent movies.”

I giggled to myself. “Yeah. Bob was into anything with guns or ninjas. Eve just watches them to spend time with him.”

“They’re really nice people. I never expected them to call me back. I even turned down the offer at first.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I wanted to tell you everything, but didn’t know if I’d ever be able to. I woke up the day after they called and considered what I had to lose. Of course, since I pretty much had nothing, it wasn’t a hard toss. I gave them a ring and the rest is history. Now I know I was meant to be here. It’s like I was guided back by some higher power.” He readjusted in his seat. “Do you believe in God, Amantha?”

“My family always went to church, but after the accident I felt like… I don’t know. I felt like if there was a God he wouldn’t have taken them away.”

“Yeah, I had similar thoughts. Up until I saw that little boy I had doubts. Now I know there has to be something out there. Nothing else could have brought me back here. What kind of person rents a cabin just to have one conversation with a woman he slept with and lied to? I’ve either gone crazy, or a higher power was leading the way. Like I said before, I didn’t want to come back. Something made me call them and accept the offer. I wasn’t sure what it was until I saw him.”

“I guess we’re going to have to talk about custody and all the stuff that goes with it. I’m sure you’ll eventually want to spend time alone with him. I know this is all new to you, but I think we need to set some guidelines so I don’t go off my rocker and take you out like a furry intruder.”

Jensen got a kick out of my analogy, though I didn’t say it to be funny.

“You’re moving a little too fast for me, woman. Let’s just see how the next few days go. I said I won’t push, and I’d like to think I’m a man of my word.”

I let out a snicker. “Sometimes it’s still weird for me to accept that I’m an adult living on my own with a child. I look at him when he sleeps and wonder how in the world I got to this point in my life. I’d been a wild child in high school. I partied a lot and was always looking for a good time. Everyone probably suspected I’d get knocked up and be a teen mother, but I made it through. When my family died it was like a switch turned off. I didn’t care about my friends, and I certainly didn’t want to be in public. My goals changed. I thought I was going to rot up on top of the mountain all alone. When you showed up that night and insisted on staying I threw caution to the wind. I didn’t care about consequences. I assumed nothing could break me, because I’d already hit my lowest point.” I paused for a moment to gather myself. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was four and a half months along. It never even occurred to me that I could be. You can imagine the look on my face when the doctor told me the results. I had her redo the tests because I said it was impossible. Then I went to the pharmacy and bought some over the counter ones in a box.”

“I’m sorry, but did you say you were four and a half months pregnant when you found out?”

“Yeah, it’s crazy right?”

“Yeah, crazy. Excuse me.” Jensen stood and stuck his hands in his pockets. He opened his mouth to say something else and then started heading out of the room without doing it.

At first I let it be. I figured he was done talking. It wasn’t like I knew about his moods. We were still strangers.

How weird is it to have a kid with someone you don’t even know?

It took me a few minutes to go looking for where Jensen had gone. I have to say I never expected to find him in the condition he was in, and when I discovered why I was in for a shock.

I searched the kitchen, and then the breezeway. When he wasn’t in either of those places I headed out into the garage thinking maybe he was checking on the generator or doing some manly task men do. Instead I found him sitting on the first step. I couldn’t see his face at first, so I leaned on the doorframe and crossed my arms. “I wondered where you went. Did you come out here to get away from me? It’s not as cold as outside, but it’s definitely too chilly to want to hang out in here for no reason.”

I could immediately hear his voice struggling with words. He sniffled before apologizing. “Sorry. You didn’t have to come looking. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

“Are you okay?” I sank down to the spot next to him.

“I don’t know if I can go through this again, Amantha. If you only knew what it was like before. I wanted that life with her. I wanted us to be a family, but she took it all away from me. She killed him.” His sobbing got worse, so much that I felt the need to put my arm under his for support.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it’s going to be okay.”

He kept shaking his head. “It’s not that I’ll never forget. I can’t. I won’t.”

“Look, you don’t have to tell me what you’re talking about, but I can’t help you unless I can understand.”

“Save it. I know you don’t want to help. This is the last place you want to be. You’ve made it clear. I appreciate you giving me a chance to know Christopher. I know you think I’m not worthy to be his father. Maybe I’m not. Maybe Alice knew it too.”

“Whoa. What are you talking about? I just said we needed to talk about custody and you spending time with him. I meant that. You’re being silly. I know I said you couldn’t be a part of his life at first, but I was wrong for that. I won’t keep him from you. He needs a man in his life, and what better person for the job than his own father?”

“You don’t understand. Seeing him, hearing your story, it’s tearing me apart.”

“Why?” I had to know what was up. I was beginning to think he was delusional.

Jensen turned to look at me, his eyes filled with painful tears. When he spoke his lips trembled. “Alice. She didn’t just kill herself. She was four and a half months pregnant. We’d just had our first sonogram to see what it was when I found out about the affair. I told her the child wasn’t mine. I told her it couldn’t be because we’d been having unprotected sex for years and I’d never gotten her pregnant. I told her I wasn’t going to be pinned down to raise a kid that wasn’t mine. I hated her for it.”

I suddenly realized that talking about my own pregnancy brought up a lot of things he’d tried to bury. Jensen thought he was sterile. He assumed he couldn’t father a child. Seeing Christopher proved him wrong. That child could have been his too, and knowing it might have changed everything, including the death of so many, my family included.

I felt nauseous as I sat there clung to his side for support. I wanted to slap him; to scream and yell to anyone who would listen. Just when I thought I could look at him without animosity he was bringing another aspect of painful memories into the picture.

I had to continue reminding myself the past couldn’t be altered. “You told me earlier how we couldn’t change what’s already been done, and if we wanted to it would mean Christopher didn’t exist. I know you’re hurting. I can’t imagine what you’re thinking, but I do know there is a little boy upstairs who thinks you’re pretty great. Jensen, we have to stop this. We have to stop being afraid to live. I wish I could tell my parents I love them one more time. I wish I could wrestle around with my little brother just to prove I’m still stronger, but I know it’s never going to happen. I miss them. A part of my heart will ache for them until I take my last breath. People say time heals all wounds, but whoever said that is an asshole. It doesn’t heal. Time helps it get easier to handle, but you never get over it. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but my little boy, no, our little boy doesn’t have to endure the same fate. He can have two parents that love him for coming into their lives when everything else was gone. We can love him for giving us something to hold onto. He’s a new beginning. I won’t see him as anything else. He’s our hope. When nothing else makes sense, he does.” I was shaking as I said it. The love a mother feels for her child is indestructible. Nothing compares to it. I’d die for him without a second’s thought. I’d do anything to give him the best life. He made my world start spinning again.

It was unexpected but I felt his head leaning against mine. He didn’t speak, but simply sat there with me while he slowly calmed down. I closed my eyes and tried not to shake, although I was trembling. This intense moment between us was emotional and heart wrenching. I can’t begin to fathom what it was like for him to consider he could have been the father to that other baby. It was brutal and crushing. He’d need time, and since we were stuck in a house together until he felt it was safe enough for us to go home, it was going to be hard to give it to him.

Chapter 15

It took us
a while before we went back inside. We didn’t talk. I just sat there with him in silence, hoping and praying he’d be okay.

I waited for him to talk, thinking it was better to let him gather his thoughts. We were both sitting back down on the couch when he began. “Sorry about earlier. It hit me hard. It’s the little damn reminders that kick you when you least expect it.”

“I can’t blame you for freaking out.”

“What’s done is done.” He seemed tougher, like he’d needed to get it out and now he was somehow going to be okay.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing left to tell.”

“How come the news didn’t report the pregnancy?”

“Her body was burned too badly. They didn’t do an autopsy. She left a note at home before doing it. It was a closed case.”

“I had to identify my family from their belongings,” I whispered.

“Yeah, they gave her wedding set back. It’s about all that was left anyway. Did you go to the scene?”

I shook my head. “No. Did you?”

“Yeah. I found her note first. She said she wanted to die where we had our first kiss,” he managed to get out before losing it again. “I knew exactly where to go.”

I put my hand over my mouth, completely flabbergasted as to what to say to comfort him. “Oh my god. Jensen.”

He covered his face with his hands and sniffled. “She wanted to break me like she said I did to her heart. I’d been suspended from the fire department and was headed home from my hearing. They told me I’d have to transfer to another town if I wanted to keep my job. When I refused they said they couldn’t keep me on the schedule because of a conflict of interest with my father-in-law and my ex-best friend. I was so damn pissed. Not only had they taken her side, but they blamed me, as if I was the one who ran out on her. I was prepared to lay into her again. During the drive home I practiced what I was going to say. I tried calling, because I was so worked up I wanted to start even before I got there. You can imagine my surprise to find the note sitting on the kitchen table. It said, ‘you win’, on it. She wrote that I had ruined her life and that if I didn’t want her she couldn’t live anymore. She said goodbye to her family, and to make sure they knew this was all my undoing, and then she finished with the nail in my coffin”

“The part about the first kiss?” I asked.

“Yeah. That part.”

I moved closer to him, wrapping my arm into his again. “You have to know it wasn’t your fault. She did it to herself. If she wasn’t happy she could have told you. Maybe you could have gone to counseling, or worked it out. Blaming yourself for her actions is just ridiculous, Jensen. Don’t you see how convoluted it is? You didn’t kill her. She killed herself. “

“It doesn’t make it any easier.”

“Can I ask you something? It’s probably not a good time for it, but it’s nothing bad. I’m just curious.”

“Go ahead. You can’t hurt me any worse than I’m already feeling.” He laughed at himself. “I’m supposed to be the hero and here you are trying to help me keep it together.”

“When we were together you said it had been a long time for you. Was I the first person you’d been with since…”

He nodded before I was able to finish the sentence. “Yeah. I dated, but it was never physical, I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it, up until I met you. It’s probably why I went a little crazy at the end. I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel so good.”

“But we did, didn’t we? We felt great. It was intense. I mean, it was probably harder for you because you knew who I was the whole time, but for me it was awakening. I’d cut myself off from social situations for so long I couldn’t help myself. It was like I’d become like the wild animals living in the forest. I saw another human being and pounced.”

He looked over at me and concocted the best smile he could. “I’m glad you did. I can’t say I didn’t go through hell afterwards, but it was obviously one of the best things to happen since the …” He didn’t finish saying it. He didn’t have to.

“Sometimes I dream I’m back home and everything is the way it was. I wake up and look around only to realize where I am and how I got there. Every single time it happens I have to take a second and smile. Even if I tried to, I can’t forget them. They’re in here.” I pointed to my heart. “Forever.”

He stood up again, breaking the closeness between us. “I’ve said enough tonight. If it’s alright with you I’m going to head to bed. I’m sure you’d like some time to yourself. I’ll put more wood in the fire before I go. Thanks for listening to me, Amantha. I’m sorry our normal conversation got messed up. I keep telling myself I’m going to be fine. I just never expected this. I didn’t come back for this, and I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like I don’t deserve him.”

My eyes widened. I sat on my knees as I replied. “You feel like you don’t deserve Christopher? Why would you say that?”

“Look at how my life has turned out. I don’t even have a job.”

“We’re in Alaska, far away from your father-in-law or his opinions. You could apply here and go back to doing what you know. You could go back to saving people.”

He shrugged. “It’s not that simple.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I won’t sit here and listen to you say you aren’t worthy of your son. He’s innocent in all this. You think he gives a shit whether you have a job or not? I don’t work. I live off the money I got when my family died. I probably could have gotten more if I sued the railroad for pain and suffering, but I just wanted it to be over. I packed up everything I could and never looked back. Now I get a statement each month that says I’m earning interest. Eventually we’ll move into a larger home, one closer to schools and the city. For now I’m comfortable. It’s mine. I own it free and clear.”

“Can I live in your shed?” He teased.

I smiled and lifted both shoulders. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“I’m kidding.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“I hope you’re right. The second I saw that little guy I knew I had to get my act together. I just need to know you’re okay with this. I need to know you’re not going to change your mind tomorrow. I’m not out to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I never did. I let my temper take control once.”

“Stop explaining. I won’t change my mind. It’s going to be a big change but I’ll put on some big girl pants and get through it.”

“We don’t have to love each other for our son to have both of his parents around. It’s not the olden days. We have a kid. It happens.”

“What if I’d like to date you?”

“We can’t date.” I was quick to answer.

He slouched a little when I said it. “Oh.”

“We can’t date because we live in the middle of nowhere. I’m not ready to jump back on the horse yet. Let’s see how things go in the next couple days. I think we both need to sort out our feelings. This is all new for me.”

“Amantha, can I ask you something?”

“Sure. I have nothing to hide.”

“When you found out you were pregnant, did you want to tell me? Did you try to find me?”

I nodded. “I tried to find Easton Pratt. I searched everywhere. I even tried looking at fire heroes in New York City, because you told me you worked there. I didn’t know what I was going to say to you, but I at least wanted you to know you left me with a present.”

His smile was reassuring. “I would have been there for you if I could have.”

“How did you get away from those criminals when you left my house?”

“I didn’t. When I got back they were gone. I don’t know how they made it down the mountain, but they managed. I waited until the next day to start walking. I got a few miles down the road before someone plowing stopped to give me a lift.”

“Did you think about calling the police?”

“I couldn’t. I knew they’d go to you and I feared you’d learn who I really was. You have to understand, being with you made me feel alive again. I was still riding on that high, too selfish to ruin it with little details that would make you hate me.”

“What I hated was hearing that my friends had been robbed and assuming you were involved. I thought I made a baby with a criminal.”

“Sorry about that. I can see how that would

be troubling.”

“I wondered if I’d slept with someone capable of horrific things.”

He laughed and said something with concern. “Damn. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know I’d get pregnant, Jensen. It’s fine. It is what it is.”

For a few seconds we stood face to face. His eyes were fixed on mine, silently telling me the story of where he’d come from and how he longed to forget. “I better head up,” he managed to say while still focusing on me.

“Yeah, it’s getting late,” I agreed.

“I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Christopher wakes up early.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “What’s your middle name?”

“Lynn. Why would you ask me that? What’s yours?”

“Christopher.” He turned and walked up the steps, smiling cheek to cheek before leaving me there to take it in.