Frigid Affair (11 page)

“Thanks, little guy. You sure are cute.”

I grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him away from his sperm donor. “You were saying?”

“I’d never hurt him either.” I could tell I left him feeling worthless, but he needed to know I wouldn’t change my mind.

“Look, after Alice died my whole life turned to shit. All those people died because of her choices.”

“I know what happened. Explain why you came looking for me. I didn’t know her.”

“One night after the crash, after her funeral, I was sitting at a bar trying to drink away the pain. I loved that woman more than life itself. Everything I did was so I could give her the life she deserved. I busted my ass to be someone her family could be proud of. She set out to hurt me, and in killing herself she did exactly that. She destroyed me.” He paused for a minute and rubbed his face like he was gathering himself. “Anyway, I was sitting  at the bar hoping no one would recognize me and offer condolences when I looked up at the television and saw you doing that big interview. I asked the bartender to change the channel, but he refused. I was prepared to leave, because let’s face it, I felt responsible for your loss. Something wouldn’t let me stand up. I couldn’t look away. Your story was unlike the others. You didn’t just lose someone you loved. You lost everyone. I sat on that barstool listening to you pour your heart out to the world. The people around me were also glued to the screen, some even mumbling how awful it was for you. Maybe it was the liquor, but in that moment I knew I had to find you. I wanted you to know why they died that day. I wanted you to know how sorry I was for ruining your life.”

I swallowed the now forming lump in my throat, trying to put myself in his shoes. Taking me back to that hard time in my life was irreconcilable. I’d promised to let it go, yet here I was being forced to relive the pain. “How did you go from wanting to apologize to being part of an arson and theft?”

“By the time I got the courage to seek you out you’d freaking moved to Alaska. Alaska,” he repeated. “Who does that?”

“Someone who needs to forget who they were.”

“Exactly,” he unexpectedly answered. “I applaud your efforts. After finally figuring out where you’d gone, and having nothing holding me back I made the decision to try to give you closure. Maybe it wasn’t my job to do. I wouldn’t blame you for hating me, for blaming me completely, but I had to do this to be able to live with myself. You weren’t the only person struggling to move forward. I know our circumstances were different, but we both lost so much.”

“What happened next?” I kept on, like I didn’t care about his feelings. I couldn’t allow myself to.

“Well, I had your address, but no idea where you lived. It’s not like it is back home. I arrived in town and found out you lived way off the beaten path. I started asking around, finding out how I could get to you, but no one could offer a way since the weather was shitty. Someone had even given me your neighbor’s number to see if they’d rent their place to me, since they didn’t use it in the winter months. I figured I could return before the weather got bad and give it another go. You can ask Eve. When I called I inquired about renting the house that following fall, not when the house burned down. I was about to give up. I’d only booked a hotel for two nights and my time was running out. That last night at the lobby bar I ran into a group of guys talking about plans to get up the mountain. I invited myself to go with them, not knowing what I was volunteering to be a part of.”

“So you did rob them?” I assumed.

“No. I didn’t. In fact, I had no idea what they were up to. They packed like they were hunting, and since I’ve never been in Alaska, I had no idea it wasn’t the season for anything. It wasn’t until that night when I realized they weren’t who they said they were.” Jensen looked over at Christopher. “I was sleeping when they went out and robbed your neighbors and then set the fire to the house in hopes of covering it up.”

“Oh, that’s just too easy. Give me a break. Do you actually think I’d believe you?” I crossed my arms and raised a brow. He must have taken me for a fool.

“It’s true. I heard the lodge door opening a few times, but figured they were loading up for the hunt. When they’d asked me what I wanted to get up the mountain for, I told them it was for a girl. They thought you and I were involved. I’d planned on coming to see you once the storm was over.”

“How did you end up at the fire?”

“At the time, I didn’t know they were responsible. I woke up to them arguing in the kitchen. They were talking about splitting the take. One of them was bitching about me staying with them. They’d come back from the house with all these fancy statues and other items. I knew they hadn’t been there before, and the fact that they were laying it all out on the table to brag was another obvious sign. As soon as I realized I announced that I was out of there. I told them I was leaving and calling the authorities. I stepped outside and saw the flames higher on the mountain. I didn’t know where you lived and assumed it was your house. I hopped on a snowmobile  and hauled ass up the mountain, making them think I was running away to call the police. They followed me. When I arrived here they weren’t far behind. One of the guys pulled out a gun and told me I should have kept my mouth shut. Figuring I had nothing to lose, I insisted on going in the house to keep from being shot and bleeding out in a blizzard. I never expected to see someone on the ground. I thought I was about to die. Instinct kicked in. I didn’t lie to you about being a fireman. I wasn’t an inspector. My father-in-law is though.”

“That’s when you saved me?” I hated admitting it.

“Yes. The guys never expected me to come out of that house with you in my arms. You weren’t conscious, so I started checking you out to see if I could get you to wake up. As soon as your eyes opened he put the weapon away. To be honest, I think they were shocked you were in there. They’d just robbed the place and said it was empty.”

“Then what happened?” I asked while watching Christopher walk around touching things he shouldn’t be getting into.

“He tried to tell me to leave you in the snow. He threatened me several times, but I refused to let you freeze to death.”

“Thank you for that,” I managed to mention.

“The only way he let me take you home was by threatening you. He said if the authorities were called he’d find you and kill you with his bare hands. He even paid me a visit at the cabin to reiterate that threat.”

“Maybe you should have left me. I would have found a way to get back to my cabin. Why did you stay?”

“I had to make sure you were okay. I wanted time to think about how to tell you why I was really there. I was determined to make sure you knew why I’d traveled across the country to see you. I knew it was unlikely they’d let me leave knowing their secrets. They told me to say my goodbyes. I thought I was going to be killed, Amantha. I thought karma had caught up to me.”

“Karma? What do you mean?”

He kept his eyes on Christopher when he spoke. “Alice killed herself because of me, because of how I treated her. Your parents died because I made the choice to be an asshole.”

“Did you force her to commit suicide?”

“No. If I could have changed things I would have.” I noticed his voice changing, as if he were struggling to hold back his emotions.

“What happened?” I asked.

“She was fucking my best friend. We’d gone to high school together and then joined the fire academy. Her dad was the Battalion Chief at our station. He knew about his daughter’s infidelities. She was his princess. He just expected me to forgive and forget. They fucked on my bed. I caught them. I watched in disbelief as my best friend screwed my wife, and that son-of-a-bitch wanted me to sweep it under a rug. What kind of idiot did he take me for? He threatened my job if I didn’t stick by her. One night, after a call, we had words that turned violent quick. The police were called and I was put in jail. He had me put on suspension without pay, so I got pissed and sent Alice packing. I told her to slum it up with her lover and that I wanted nothing to do with her. I said the worst things to her that night. I called her so many unnecessary names. I wanted her to suffer like I was. Now I wish I could take it back.”

My hand was over my mouth. This was not at all how I saw our conversation going.

“Amantha, I sought you out because I felt responsible for ruining your life. You gave me an excuse to get away from it all. After Alice committed suicide I gave up everything. I let myself go. I didn’t want to live. I think I would have been okay if those men would have killed me that night. I’m sorry I lied to you. What happened between us wasn’t expected. I almost lost my shit halfway into it. You were there. You saw it for yourself. I tried to tell you so many times. I just couldn’t look into your eyes and break your heart. The longer we spent together the more I knew I had to protect you from it.”

“You let me sleep with you,” I gritted my teeth as I said it.

“I did.” He glanced at Christopher.

“Why did you come back, Jensen? Why couldn’t you stay away?”

He shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know. I tried. I got a job doing construction in Anchorage. For a while I even felt like I could move forward.”

“What changed? More guilt?”

“Eve called. She said they were interested in renting out their house and wanted to know if I was in the market. I didn’t think she’d saved my number. I’d only called because I needed a temporary place to stay to see you. The hotel owner had given me their number when I was trying to get up the mountain, and I made something up. I swear, I had no idea any of this would happen. You have to believe me.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted. “It’s too much at once.”

“What happened between us may have been a one-night-stand, but we made a baby. Just admit he’s mine. Say it out loud. It’s all I ask. If you don’t want me to know him I’ll stay away. Just tell me why you kept the baby.”

I peered over at Christopher. “Because he was my chance at happiness again. I needed him. I didn’t care how it came to be. I wanted him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I’ve never regretted a second of it. He’s perfect. He’s everything to me,” I said as warm tears fell down my cheeks. “He’s all I have.”

“And he’s mine. He’s a part of me.”

“I don’t know why you’re asking. You already know the answer. It’s not like I have many visitors. Just because you’re his father doesn’t mean I can forgive you. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but I’ve been fooled by you before. I won’t let it happen again.” I stood, before I could give in and allow him into my life. “It’s time for us to go.”

“Stay. Just a few more minutes. Please.”

I grabbed ahold of Christopher and began putting his coat on. “I can’t keep you from living here. I mean, I could call Eve and tell her the truth, but I won’t. If you want to be here watching from afar I can’t stop you, but I want you to leave us alone. Is that clear?”

He stared at Christopher as he replied. “Yeah. You’ve made your point.”

“I’m sorry it has to be this way. I never considered myself a bitter person, but you have to put yourself in my shoes. I came here to be alone. I didn’t want my past catching up to me, yet you’ve brought it front and center. Don’t you understand? I just want to forget.”

“Thank you for keeping him, Amantha. That’s what is important. I respect your decision. I’ll stay away,” was all he managed to get out before I had to flee the scene.

I scrunched up my face with more tears falling down my face. I felt like the biggest asshole. This guy had been through hell and I was crushing him again. What did he expect? Did he think I’d fall into his arms so we could live happily ever after? Shit like that never happened. Our relationship was built on an explosive lie. It would never be anything more than that.

Chapter 11

I didn’t bother
putting on my coat before hauling my son, the dog, and my sobbing self out of that house. I had to get as far away from him as I could.

Was I wrong about Jensen? It seemed so.

Was his confession enough to change my mind?

That’s what I couldn’t stick around to figure out.

Consumed by fear and guilt, I drove faster on my way up the mountain. It was beginning to snow, so I put Christopher facing me so it wouldn’t blow onto the little parts of his face that were left exposed. I’d never been good about checking the weather. I had no idea if they were calling for a blizzard or just an evening dusting. I almost hoped it was a blizzard to keep the distance between Jensen and my cabin. I’d always been a sucker for sob stories, and even though mine was pretty extreme, his was up there too.

Once inside of the cabin I took the heavy items off Christopher before warming myself up by the fire. A loud bark came from outside, letting me know Ava had made it up the trail. When I opened the door I peered outside to make sure he hadn’t followed us. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe his word. A part of me still wondered if he’d really be able to let go.

Unlike a normal one-night-stand, where boy meets girl, boy takes girl home, then they part ways forever, our lives were connected. Like it or not, we had a common past. We’d both suffered a tragic loss on the same day. I wanted it to help me forgive him. Perhaps that’s why he wouldn’t give up. I didn’t want to imagine what it was like for him to discover he was a father.

I felt sick to my stomach. My heart wouldn’t stop aching. Easton may have walked inside my door that night, but Jensen walked out. I could deny it all I wanted, but I knew in my gut it was true. He’d tried to tell me. I remember wondering what he was holding back. If his story was all true, if all the lies had been spun to protect me, where did this leave me? Were we supposed to be friends? Was it even possible to build a friendship after everything?

For the rest of the evening, while the wind picked up and the snow covered everything in sight, I was completely incompetent. Christopher was a force to be reckoned with. He’d managed to hit his head on a support beam in the living room area. Then he pooped his pants and played in it. After I gave him a bath, he managed to spill a sippy cup full of juice down the front of his pajamas; all of this while I was trying to justify the decisions I’d made earlier in the day.

I couldn’t keep it together. Before he settled and fell asleep I started bawling. My heart ached and I couldn’t explain why. Jensen had promised to stay away, but it only made me feel more horrible.

The wind intensified as the storm continued. The windows rattled as powerful gusts forced pressure against them. I knew my home was secure. I’d paid extra money to ensure my safety, though it still frightened me to know how dangerous conditions were becoming just outside my door. I wouldn’t have been as worried if I didn’t have a little child to care for. I’d manage, even in the toughest of conditions, but with him things became more complicated.

Determined to stop thinking about all the negatives, I managed to sob myself into a peaceful slumber.

A familiar sound of a tree falling sent me shooting straight up in my bed. I looked at the little boy sleeping soundly across the room, thankful he hadn’t been disturbed. Ava started growling, making me feel like she sensed something near the house. Since I knew it wouldn’t be Jensen, on account of him not being clinically insane enough to risk his safety, I figured it was either an animal, or the tree had just rattled her.

I crouched down on the floor beside her and scratched her ears. “It’s okay, girl. We’ve made it through worse,” I whispered.

Trees fell all the time, especially when they were weighted down by heavy snow. I anticipated more to succumb to the same fate before the storm was over.

Just to make sure the house was still out of any danger, I headed downstairs to check the windows.

It was hard to make out anything. The wind had froze the falling snow to the glass. I wasn’t stupid enough to try to open the front door, because I knew I might not be strong enough to close it.

With nothing apparently broken, I headed back upstairs in hopes of getting more much needed sleep, but it never came. I was too worked up listening to nature falling victim to another frigid weather condition.

By early morning I was a sight for sore eyes, and speaking of which, mine were almost completely swollen shut. I was scared to death to look in the mirror and see what I’d done to myself.

Since I was in a fowl mood, I found it difficult to give Christopher my undivided attention. I went to plug something into the electric fed off the solar panels and discovered they hadn’t charged because they’d been buried by the snow. I looked around the room, and then in the kitchen. I didn’t have instant hot water without electricity, and since I’d been home and Christopher was walking around I didn’t heat things up on the woodstove because I was afraid he’d burn himself out of curiosity. He was going to get hungry, and I’d need to make him something warm. This was terrible.

I quickly powered up my phone and tried to get a signal so I could check the weather, but even in the highest point of my upstairs I was unsuccessful. Not even one bar showed. In fact, all that lit up on the screen was a big X instead of a service signal. “Shit!”

A little voice repeated me from below. I shook my head, disgusted with myself.

“What else today?” I mumbled.

After closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths I got my shit together and stopped freaking out. I could manage without power. I’d done it before.

Once I collected all the baby gates I had around the house, I made a barrier surrounding the woodstove, then I got out my largest pots and filled them with snow I gathered by opening the front door. It had blown against the house, making it seem a lot deeper than it actually was. Ava, loving the snow, went flying out, clearing her own path as she did it. Knowing her, she’d stay out for a while playing, only coming in when she finally got too cold to stand it any longer.

I had several large gallon jugs of water in the small pantry. I fetched one, using it to fill the pots the remainder of the way. Then I stuck them both on the woodstove, followed by a tea kettle. I’d use that for Christopher’s oatmeal and some tea for me. I filled the woodstove with dry kindling and waited for everything to heat up. It would take a while before it boiled. It wasn’t like we were pressed for time.

When I noticed it had been nearly thirty minutes since Ava went outside, I stuck my head out the door and began calling her name. I whistled and called some more, waiting for her to come out of a patch of woods covered in snow. It was still coming down pretty hard, making visibility difficult. I gave her one last call and closed the door, hoping the chill hadn’t been enough to cool off the house. It was always colder in the morning because the woodstove was running on what was left from the night before. Thankfully, as soon as the door shut I could feel warmth. I picked Christopher up and kissed him, carrying him over to his highchair. “Where do you think Ava went?”

“Ayba.” It was how he pronounced it. “Ayba,” he repeated.

“She’s outside. I hope she’s okay.”

“Ayba.”

I tried to smile, but I was a bit worried. I knew she was just a dog, but she was as close to a best friend and I had. She’d been with me when I first moved. I loved her as part of my little family.

Since I was the mom, I knew it was important not to let Christopher see me worried and upset. I gave him a sippy cup of juice and started mixing the water in the kettle with his oatmeal. Lately he’d been feeding himself, even though it made a huge mess. He still got a kick out of trying to be a big boy. I handed him his spoon, showing him three times how to hold it, only to give up when he insisted on using his whole fist.

I sat down in a chair beside him and dabbed a teabag in a cup full of steaming water. “It’s going to be a long day, buddy.”

He tossed his cup across the room and laughed at himself. I got up to get it and heard Ava barking. Quickly I made a beeline for the front door. When I opened it I saw her standing beside Jensen. Down the hill a ways sat a snowmobile. I hadn’t even heard him driving up because the wind was so intense. “What are you doing here?”

“Your dog was on my porch. Since you don’t have a phone I figured I’d bring her home. I, uh, I wanted to check on you. Last night was brutal and …”

“You said you wouldn’t do this.”

He glanced down the mountain. “You’re right, I did. Look, I didn’t sleep at all last night. I couldn’t.”

“That’s a personal problem.” I stated rudely.

“Amantha, please let me in.”

“Go home, Jensen. Don’t make me call Eve.”

He stared at me for a second, shook his head, and then started to walk away. I let him get a few feet away before calling out for him. “Hold on.”

He spun around, a half-smile forming across his handsome face. “I won’t stay long.”

I shoved open the door and allowed him entrance. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t be ignorant forever. I was really stuck between a rock and a hard place. He was the father to my son. One-night-stand or not, his blood ran through my son’s veins. I couldn’t deny that.

“I won’t let you.” I hoped it was the truth, because if it wasn’t I was about to go against everything I believed in.

Chapter 12

A lot can change
in two years time. Men grow beards or mustaches, while women become fickle with their hairstyles. Jensen had a goatee now. It was short and traveled around his chin in a perfect shape. He seemed like he was tired, although I suppose it could have been my mind playing tricks on me. We’d spent one night together, probably not enough for me to memorize every detail about him. The parts I vividly remembered I vowed to keep to myself, because they’d left me knocked up.

Watching him remove his boots and coat left me worried I’d made a terrible decision. I wanted him to be the enemy, albeit seemed like the harder I tried for that outcome, the more it appeared I was falling victim to my own guilt. “I just heated up some water. Do you want tea?”

“Yeah, sure. I could use the caffeine.”

“It’s pretty bad out there. To be honest, I didn’t even know this storm was happening.”

“You need to pay more attention to the forecast.”

“Why? I have everything I need for the winter. We don’t need to go outside to survive.”

“What if something happened? How would you get help?”

I hated he was asking me questions I often asked myself. “I will figure it out.”

“How come it’s so dark in here?” He inquired while flipping a few switches. “Are the solar panels broken?”

“No. They can’t recharge without sun.”

“So, not only are you up here alone, but you also don’t have any means of power?”

“I have a generator in the shed.”

“Does it have gas?”

I gave him a dirty look. “Of course it does. I’m not a moron.”

“You could always come down the mountain and stay with me. The house is plenty big enough. I’d stay out of your way.”

“If that’s what you came here to offer, you can turn back around and go home. I’m not staying in the same house as you.”

He snickered. “What’s it going to take for you to trust me?”