From My Heart (18 page)

“I thought I told you to stay away from me unless it is music related.” I turned to face Kallie Cooper as she cornered me after the Angels from Hell set in Phoenix. Bryn was already back at the bus with everyone else while I had stowed myself away in the bathroom stall, regretting that I took the last of the pills I carried. My heart felt like it was about to burst into a million pieces. I’d had chest pain before from when I almost overdosed on more than one occasion, but you would think I would take a hint after a scare like that.

Ha. That’s a joke.

Kallie placed her hands on her tiny hips and pursed her lips. I had made every effort to avoid this girl because she was a bitch that had it out for my girlfriend, but being that our bands were co-headlining this tour, I would have to deal with her at some point or another whether I liked it or not.

“This
is
music related. Do you have a second or are you too busy waiting on your prissy bandmate every minute of the damn day?” Kallie retorted. Strike one. I wished I could smack the living shit out of her. But from the way she smiled, she knew it was pissing me off.

“Keep talking like that and I’ll walk away so let’s just get straight to the point,” I hissed.

“We were invited to play an acoustic show at this University in Denver the day after the show in town for this Battle of the Bands the school is hosting.” Kallie paused. “And the people wanted not just us, but
all
of us. I already talked to Kyler and he’s game, but I said I’d let them know about you guys.” 

“Okay…is that it?” I asked.

“Yeah. I don’t have a lot of details about it, we just got the call while you guys were onstage.” Kallie flipped her aviators so they were on top of her head. “So will you do it?”

I shrugged, itching to lie down and try to find a way to hide the unbearable pain I was in right now. I felt like I would pass out right then and there with the road crews and people watching me with curious eyes. I leaned my hand onto the wall beside me so I wouldn’t collapse onto the cold floor.

“Count us in,” I replied as quickly as I could. Kallie frowned for a second, her eyes filled with concern. That or she wanted to say something else.

“Sounds good.” She pat me on the back before turning on her boot heel and walking away. Before she went outside she glanced back at me and yelled, “Are you alright? You look like you’re about to pass the fuck out or die or something.”

I laughed at that statement. “Nah. I’m perfectly fine. Nice set, by the way,” I yelled, and she winked at me before flipping her hair and opening the outside door. I wanted to burn that wink out of my mind.

My head was pounding severely to the point where I almost lost my grip on the wall, but I took my hand off of it anyway, practically racing to get some fresh air. That might do the trick. I’d had after effects this bad after taking pills before, but I was terrified that Bryn was going to see me. I was also surprised she hadn’t confronted me after seeing me take the pills out of my back pocket earlier. Tyler had seen her watch me swallow them and he told me to watch my back.

I was praying that lying down and drinking some water might be the cure, but all I cared about was seeing Bryn. I had to control this pain somehow. Even if the guys were used to me stumbling around like an idiot, they would think something was up.

I got outside and a blast of warm air hit my body, taking me by surprise. For it being near midnight it still felt like it was at least 80 degrees. Luke was over with Raptor smoking outside of our bus and I stood with my back against it, taking a puff from Luke’s cigarette, much to his surprise.

“Well this is a shock. You haven’t smoked since High School,” Luke said, taking one last puff before smashing the bud under his sandal. “What’s up?”

“Not feeling so hot,” I admitted, putting my hands in my front pockets to stop my hands from shaking.

“Does it have to do with the shit-ton of pills you took before the set?” Raptor accused me. “We all saw you do it. We’re not stupid. As a matter of fact, I think we’re all pretty used to this shit by now. You take too much and you start to flip out and go a little crazy.”

“I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you guys,” I snapped. “I don’t know how to stop.”

Luke nearly choked on the water he was drinking. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? You keep saying ‘I don’t know how to stop,’ ‘I don’t know what to do,’ you know what you should do? Flush the rest down the toilet and go to fucking rehab because you’ve had this problem for far too long, and I am tired of pretending everything is okay when it’s not.”  He kicked some stones beside him and stepped within inches of me, meeting me eye to eye. “I’m done with this shit, Pelton. If you keep using and abusing the pills, I quit on the spot.” Then he stomped onto the bus and slammed the door shut.

Luke was usually never one to get into someone’s face like that, so when he confronted me and had a look on his face like he wanted to kill me? That meant I should have been scared. Because I knew he’d quit the band. He didn’t do idle threats.

I turned to Raptor, trying not to look him directly in the eye as I asked him, “Do you feel the same way?”

“You’re hurting everyone around you. I’ll just leave it at that. If Bryn doesn’t already know, you better tell her or you’ll lose your dream girl.” Raptor spat on the ground and turned to get on the bus. “Same goes for me. Don’t take any more or else you’ll be down a roadie and a friend. I’m not picking up the fucking pieces when you overdose.”

I stayed put while I could hear commotion and laughter on the bus. I slumped down so my butt hit the pavement and let my head hit the wall of the bus. I put my hands on my knees and tried breathing deeply, counting to a hundred, anything that would get me to calm down. To anyone else, yeah it’d be a pretty easy habit to break. Taking these painkillers for years now, sneaking around peoples backs, spending way too much money for an addiction had to come to an end. It wasn’t going to be easy. I’d probably wind up killing myself in the long run trying to withdraw from pills.

I don’t know how long I was sitting out there, but when I woke up I was in the bed in the back room with Bryn lying beside me, wearing pajama shorts and a t-shirt, her hair tied into a wet bun on top of her head.

Noticing she was awake, waiting for any sign of life from me I’m sure, she said in a low whisper, “About time you woke up.”

“How did I get back in the bus?” I asked.

“Tyler and Hal carried you in. You were sound asleep against the bus practically almost falling over onto your side.” Bryn sounded worried. She seemed sad as she scooted closer to me, our noses now touching. “Can I ask you something?”

Lightly kissing her nose, I said, “You can ask me anything, Bryn, and you know it.”

“Okay. Do you have anything you’re keeping from me?”

I stammered a little bit. How was I supposed to answer that? Tell her upfront I abused pain killers? Or lie to her face yet again, claiming I was an open book and that I had no secrets?

Opening my mouth, I lied and said, “Of course I’m not keeping anything from you, Bryn. Why would you think that, babe?” At any moment I was ready for her to blurt out she knew the truth. I was waiting on pins and needles. It was only a matter of time.

“I don’t know. I mean everyone has secrets I guess, right? I just figured you knew some of mine. I barely know any of yours,” she admitted, and my mouth turned into a frown. She was right. She barely knew my secrets, let alone my personal life outside of my sisters, mom and our bandmates. She had no idea (that I was aware of) that I abused painkillers for nearly five years, or that I beat my father up to a bloody pulp, wishing I never saw him again. To be honest, I wasn’t being fair to her and that alone killed me.

“You’re right,” I said softly, tucking strands of her hair behind her hair. “I’ll be blunt, there’s shit I keep inside for a reason, Bryn. There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me yet, but don’t think it’s because I don’t love you. You just have to give me some time, that’s all.” There…that maybe bought me a week’s time, and then she would question me again. Then I would just have to brace myself for the aftermath.

***

We were in Denver finally! I was over the top excited about finally shooting the live music video for “Straight from the Heart.” We were all really anxious to play it tonight and to work with Richard Marx again. The week from Phoenix to Denver went by all too slow, and the tension between Cale and I was growing again.

I had gone in search for him that night in Phoenix only to see him slumped over on his ass against the bus. It scared the living crap out of me. I didn’t know if he simply fell asleep, or if he really passed out and was dead (a little extreme but I still thought that).

“Hal, I need your help.” I poked my head into the bus where Hal was sitting in the driver’s seat reading a book with his glasses on. He threw the book down beside him and set his glasses on the dashboard.

“What is it, Bryn? Is everything alright?”

I pointed down beside me. Hal got off the bus and turned to see Cale still slumped over, no signs of waking up. “Shit,” he swore under his breath, kneeling down to check for his pulse. “Thank fuck he’s still breathing, but he’s out cold. Go get Tyler and have him help me please,” Hal ordered and I ran back in as quickly as I could. Tyler was watching “Fight Club” along with everyone else crowded on the leather couch.

He looked up at me right away, concerned.

“Can you come out here and help me and Hal?” I asked, trying not to disturb everyone else. Gina and Bethany were snuggled up next to Raptor and Luke, and didn’t notice me come back. “It’s Cale.”

Tyler got up and stormed past me. Outside, he instantly rolled his eyes and cussed loudly, running his hands furiously through his hair. “That fucker needs to clean up his act, how many times it will take—”

“What do you mean?” I asked him, watching Hal and Tyler lift Cale up at the same time.

“He’s pulled this idiotic crap before, that’s what,” Tyler snapped in response, startling me. He saw the look on my face and his expression softened. “I’m sorry, hun, I shouldn’t take this out on you. I wasn’t even supposed to say what I just did. He was supposed to tell you himself…”

I didn’t ask Tyler anything else. I helped them get Cale into the bed in the back after that and was with him when he finally woke up. I wasn’t sure what Cale was going through that meant he was ‘pulling this crap’ again, but I told myself no matter what, that he was my best friend and boyfriend. I needed to be there for him.  When he was ready to come clean about whatever it was that was eating at him, he would. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could wait though.

Ever since Phoenix, he’d been trying to swoon me and buy me flowers practically every day. We stayed in a hotel and straight after a show. We spent all night long re-exploring each other in the most intimate ways. The way his fingers gracefully touched my skin made my insides bubbly. Despite all of the madness around up, Cale had still found a way to make me feel special when it was just the two of us all alone.

But outside of the bedroom, something was eating away at him. Before stage, he would have his hands constantly stuffed into his pockets, trying to avoid looking at me. By the time we arrived in Denver, I had decided enough was enough. Regardless of how I felt when we were alone and how much I loved him, he needed to finally tell me the truth or calm down those tantrums. I couldn’t handle it much longer.

“He looks sick,” Gina whispered to me as we just got done having lunch at a local sub shop in Downtown Denver. “Did he hit his head or something when he passed out last week?”

I shook my head. “No. He hasn’t said anything was
wrong
but it’s a complete bullshit lie if you ask me.” I groaned, sitting so my elbows rested on my knees as we sat on the bench outside. “It’s just crazy. One minute, we’re alone and he treats me like a damn princess, but the next…I can’t even explain it.”

“Do you think he might be using drugs, Bryn?” Bethany suggested. I shot the thought down. There was no way Cale would do drugs. He’d told me before he was deathly afraid of needles, minus the times he had gotten a tattoo.

“He couldn’t be…we would know, right?”

“I would think so. But even Raptor’s been wondering about Cale, and whenever we’re together, he never brings it up,” Gina said. “It could explain the mood swings though.”

I had no idea what to believe.

“But if he is, you would think he would at least
want
to get help…” I assumed. My phone started vibrating in my pocket just as I was about to finish what I was going to say.

Not bothering to look at the number, I answered. “Hello, this is Bryn.”

“Bryn Michelle, you finally decide to take our calls.” My body froze and my mouth became dry. I knew that cruel, frigid tone from anywhere. It was the one I had anticipated on never talking to for a very long time.

“What do you want, mother?” I replied coldly. “You sent my own brother after me to hurt me, what could you possibly have to say now?”

“I take it you have not heard the voicemail from a few weeks back?” Even the way this woman asked questions gave me bad chills.
Of course I got that voicemail
, I wanted to say.

“Yeah, you claimed you loved me. I find that especially hard to believe,” I said in return. Gina and Bethany pointed down the street to a gift shop and I waved them off. They didn’t need to hear me arguing with my mother.

“After everything your father and I have done for you? You seem to forget, child. I brought you into this world. We wanted you back home with us because you’re not supposed to be living this whole fantasy lifestyle. Truthfully, your father misses you. We have fought back and forth about how to bring you home, and thought Brayden might have done the trick.”

My mind wasn’t ready for all of this shit with my mom. Anger clouded my judgment and I was pretty close to going off on her at any second. “But instead he tries to kill my friends and in the end himself?
How
would that have worked, mother? Because that just makes you look stupid. There’s no way I would’ve went home then or now.”

“You’ll come around.” She let out a shrill laugh that made me cringe. “Just wait. You’ll get your dreams shattered and heartbroken and no one will be there to pick up the pieces…”

“Fuck you, you evil woman,” I spat back, hanging up before she could respond. Who knew that a few minutes of conversation would set the tone for the rest of the day? I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I refused to cry. I had cried so many nights because I felt trapped by my parents, trapped by my life, and I was finally happy and doing things I never thought I would do. I wouldn’t let my mother’s words get to me anymore.

I caught up with Gina and Bethany down the street. They pulled me into a group hug as I let out a huge sigh.

“You don’t even need to explain,” they said to me, holding me close as we held our hug for a few minutes in silence.  We returned to the bus, arms linked in one another’s, not bringing up that phone call anymore. Tyler just got off the phone with the video director, who was going to meet us at the venue so he could set up his equipment to shoot our live video tonight.

“I heard about what happened earlier.” Tyler snuck up from behind me just as I finished changing my clothes. I jumped a little and spun around.

“Jeez, you scared me.” I playfully slapped him on the chest and he smiled. “But how’d you hear about that?”

“Overheard Bethany telling Luke and Cale,” he replied, an unreadable expression on his face. “But that doesn’t surprise me, considering they’ve been over to my parents’ house on occasion for dinner parties and they weren’t the nicest people.”

“That’s an understatement,” I retorted as Tyler went back to his phone call and I went in search of Cale. He was changing his shirt when I found him by our bunks, his six pack on full display. I still had to catch my breath sometimes when I looked at him. He didn’t have an enormous amount of tattoos like some of the guys I had seen throughout both tours, but the ones he had were all in the right places. His eagle on his shoulder had just gotten touched up a few weeks ago and had brand new brown and white coloring. As much as I wanted to run my fingers along that and his biceps at that very second, I had to tell myself no.

To add to the temptation, he smelled really good too, like my favorite Burberry men’s cologne. I inhaled deeply and Cale probably heard me because when he turned around he had a childish smirk on his face.

“Were you just sniffing my cologne?” he asked teasingly. “Because I mean by all means, I know I smell good, but come a little closer and sniff away…”

Maybe today would be a good day after all. Cale seemed to be back to his usual witty, cocky self from the way he was acting, and that was what I loved best about him.

“Oh please,” I replied playfully, throwing the shirt he had in his hand over to the side of us. “You can be so full of yourself sometimes.”

Cale’s arms engulfed me into an embrace. “But you love it,” he said softly, kissing my hair and then a brief kiss on the lips. I didn’t want to let go of him, the feeling of his bare skin against my clothed skin nearly setting me into overdrive. “It’s going to be a good night. I can feel it.”

I felt something else poking at me, causing me to giggle. Cale obviously noticed since he pressed into me even closer than he was. “Don’t do that.” I giggled louder as his arms left me and started to tickle under my ribs. “You’re going to end up with blue balls tonight if you keep that up!”

But he didn’t stop, lifting my shirt up slightly so his fingers could continue their assault on my bare skin. “And your fingers are too cold, please stop!” I pleaded, and Cale stopped, only to look at me with his damn panty dropping smile I’d seen him use one too many times on stage. It worked on the fans and me too. He smoothed my shirt back down into place and reached for his shirt he was trying to put on minutes before.

“Don’t worry, B, there’s more where that came from.” He winked, ruffling up his hair. “If tonight goes as planned, there’s no telling what trouble we’re going to get into.” I wasn’t so sure if I liked the sound of us getting into ‘trouble,’ but I let Cale have his way without arguing.

“Meaning let’s not burn the damn hotel down after the show tonight,” Vince scolded as he got out of bed, high-fiving me before reaching Cale. “It’s going to be off the hook to see the footage afterwards.”

“Hell yeah, buddy,” Cale shouted, squeezing my hand. “Nervous at all?” he asked me.

I shook my head, giving Cale a reassuring smile. “Not one bit.”