years in prison wasn’t enough. Not nearly. He would go back to Ruskin, he would be at that hearing and he would make
his thoughts known, because someone had to speak out and
remind anyone who would listen just what Trent Miller was
capable of doing.
He willed himself to ignore the voice that wondered if he
would be the only one speaking out against Trent’s release.
What if Max is there? What then? What do I say? Do I
say anything?
Deciding he would deal with that occurrence if and
when it happened, and telling himself it likely wouldn’t
happen, he stood and walked to his bedroom.
He would call the DA in Ruskin tomorrow and let him
know he would be there and yes, he wanted to speak. After
that, he would call Marcus. It seemed they would be getting some down time after all and he wanted Marcus to know
where to find him in case of emergency. And he wanted
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he could and would handle this and if by some chance he
did see Max, he wouldn’t fall apart.
He had come too far for that; he had a life and it was a
good one.
It just wasn’t the life he had wanted.
We don’t always get what we want. I learned that lesson
seven years ago and I can’t afford to forget it for a second.
AFTER her marriage, his mother decided to keep her home in
Ruskin, but Jaylin couldn’t bring himself to stay there.
He had too many Max-related memories there, and they
were overpowering. After Max left, all those years ago, he
couldn’t even sleep in his bedroom. He ended up moving into the guest room. It was the only thing he could do to keep
himself from going insane. He couldn’t sleep in the room
where he and Max had spent most of their time together.
With his mother and her new husband out of town,
being in the house by himself would be even more
depressing.
The Roadside Rose Garden was decent enough, for a few
days in town. It wasn’t nearly as fancy as the hotels Marcus usually booked, but Jaylin didn’t care. He didn’t need
much—just a bed, a bathroom, a television and Internet
access and, really, he had no intentions of sticking around for longer than necessary.
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He would attend the hearing, say what he needed to
say, stick around long enough to hear the outcome, and then go back to New York. Back to the life he had there. He had
nothing to hold him in his hometown, not with his mother
spending most of her time traveling, and his career pretty
much required that he do the same.
New York was his home now.
Ruskin was the past.
Just like Max
.
Looking around the room, Jaylin sighed, not surprised
to realize there was nothing all that spectacular about the white and blue décor, but the room was clean, the bed
looked comfortable, and the Internet connection worked.
Logging on to his computer, he checked his e-mail,
finding one from his mother, one from Marcus, and another
from an e-mail address he didn’t recognize. He didn’t give
many people his private address; he had another listed on
his official Web site for fans, which he tried to answer as frequently as he could.
Frowning, he decided to open the e-mail, mostly
because he was curious and happy for any distraction he
could find, even if said distraction was nothing more than
stray spam mail.
It turned out to be much more.
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Jaylin,
Once you realize this is from me, you might delete
it, and God knows I can’t blame you if you do, after all
this time.
I have no doubt you hate me. I understand.
Sometimes, I’m not so fond of myself. I made some
serious mistakes and I made decisions when I really
wasn’t in the state of mind to make decisions that
ended up being life changing.
I have a lot to explain, if you’re willing to hear it.
I’m back in Ruskin, thanks to Trent’s early-release
hearing. I know from the DA that you got the same letter
I did, but I don’t know if you’re in town or not, but either
way, I would really like the chance to talk.
If you are in town, I’d like to do it face-to-face.
I’m not really on speaking terms with my dad or
my stepmother so I’ve got a room at the bed-and-
breakfast in town. If you can stand the idea of seeing
me, you can call me there or come by. And if you don’t,
believe me when I say I understand.
For what it’s worth, I never forgot you, Jay. I’ve
kept up with you from a distance. I even saw one of
your concerts last year.
You were amazing, but no surprise there.
You were always amazing.
You were and you still are the best thing that has
ever happened to me.
No matter what, please know that.
Max
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The room seemed to be spinning and it felt as if
someone had sucked the air from Jaylin’s lungs, leaving him struggling for air as his heart raced. He felt almost sick. For a moment, he told himself this was it: after all this time, he had finally lost his mind. But when he looked back at the
computer screen, the e-mail was still there.
The e-mail Max had sent him. After seven fucking years,
Max had contacted him. Max wanted to see him. Jaylin
laughed out loud even as he shook his head.
Fuck him! After all this time he picks now. Now! He said
he has been keeping up with me; he could have come to me.
But he didn’t. And now that we’re back in this damn town, he
wants me to see him again, and I won’t do it!
Even as he railed to himself, he knew he was lying.
He would see Max, because he couldn’t not see him. He
was finally getting a chance to get the answers he wanted,
the answers he needed. It was all seven years too late. And he was angry and hurt, but maybe if he saw Max, if he heard some sort of explanation, he would finally be able to really let go and move on.
And that’s all this is. A chance to get answers. I’m not
stupid. I know there’s no hope left, no chance that Max and I
could ever get back what we lost.
Hands shaking, he sent an e-mail back, quick and
simple, telling Max he would see him, but asking that he
come to his motel room.
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Plain or not, for the time being, the motel room was his
turf, and for the sake of emotional and mental stability, he needed very much to be on his turf.
Maybe it would help him maintain control of his
turbulent feelings.
Maybe it would help him save what was left of his heart
from breaking all over again.
Maybe I’m a dumbass and this might be nothing more
than me ripping open an old wound and pouring salt into it,
but I can’t hurt more than I’ve already hurt so I have nothing
left to lose.
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AT fifteen before seven, Max stood outside of room 127 of
The Roadside Rose Garden, wondering if he was making a
huge mistake.
Maybe I shouldn’t have contacted Jaylin. Being here
could blow up in my face. I hate being in this town and, odds
are, Jaylin hates me and he has every right. But I owe it to
him, to what we had, to finally tell him the truth.
He could have done this before now. He could have
contacted Jaylin any time during the past seven years, but
somehow, he always found a reason not to. He was good at
that. It was easy to come up with excuses and certainly,
some of them had been legitimate, but not all of them. A
great many had only served to justify his fears.
Fear is why I came back here. I’m here to face my fears. I
told my story via video, so I never had to face Trent during the
trial, but I will now, and even more importantly, I need to face
Jaylin and make him understand.
He couldn’t hope for more than that—understanding—
and really, he knew he didn’t deserve that.
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And he didn’t want to disrupt the life Jaylin had. He had
worked hard, made his dreams come true, and was living the
life he had always wanted. His talent and his natural drive had carried him a great way and Max was deeply proud of
him.
I still love him as much as I ever did, if not more.
Reminding himself that the last thing Jaylin wanted
from him was love, Max drew in a breath and finally knocked on the door.
Seconds later, it opened, and after seven long, agonizing
years, he found himself face-to-face with the man who had
haunted his dreams, the man he loved still and always
would. Not surprisingly, he looked incredible.
Dressed in well-worn jeans and a T-shirt that hugged
his remarkable chest, his hair was a mess and his eyes,
those remarkable blues, were cool and guarded.
Aside from that, he really hadn’t changed in the physical
sense. He was still beautiful, still a vision, and Max wanted almost desperately to reach out and touch him, just to make himself believe this was real, but he resisted the urge.
“Jaylin….”
“Come in.”
He stepped back, opening the door and allowing Max
into the room that he quickly scanned, seeing it was the
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felt almost clinical, which was likely why Jaylin had wanted to meet him here.
He sees this is a safe place with no emotional ties and he
wants that. He doesn’t want to feel even a little connected to
me. He might hate me even more than I realized.
Listing to the door close, he turned again, to find Jaylin
watching him, his eyes still impossible to read, and that
bothered Max most. He had always loved how everything
Jaylin felt could be seen, clear and vivid in his eyes, but now, he was so distant and so reserved and it made Max
ache to turn back the hands of time.
Back to the night that had changed everything.
“You look great, Jaylin.”
“Thanks. So do you.”
Max nodded, shifting slightly. He didn’t want to say
anything, but his leg was killing him. He had spent too much time walking around town today, seeing how things had
changed, but he hadn’t taken anything for the pain.
“Do you mind if I sit down?”
“Go ahead.”
Opting for a chair that set beside a small desk, he
lowered himself carefully, making an effort not to wince.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
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“Agreeing to see me.” Max looked up to see Jaylin hadn’t
moved. “I know…. Well, I know it was sudden and
unexpected and I…I’m sorry. I should have….” He shook his
head. He wasn’t certain what needed to be said first, now
that he was here, facing Jaylin, loving him as much as ever and wanting to touch him so badly he burned with the need.
As he wavered silently, Jaylin pushed from the door,
crossing the room, his back to Max, his shoulder tense.
“If you want me to leave, I will.”
“Why? Do you want to leave? Again?”
“Jaylin….”
“Don’t.” He turned and when he did, his eyes weren’t
blank; they were filled with emotion and that emotion was
burning anger. “I looked for you. Do you know that? You told me not to. But I did, I looked for you. For years. I tried to find you and I paid people to find you, but it was like you didn’t exist and I…damn it, Max, you ripped my heart out
when you left me and now, here you are and seven fucking
years later it hurts just to look at you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Fuck sorry! I want answers. I want to know why you
stopped loving me!”
“Stopped loving you? Jaylin, please believe me when I
say I never stopped loving you.”
“You left!”
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“Because I thought it was the best thing. I thought I was
doing you a favor. My father came, and he told me that if I loved you, I should let you go. He said all I would do was
hold you back. I was a mess, physically and emotionally, and I admit, it was easy for him to twist me up inside, and once I got my head on straight, I knew he had played me into doing what he wanted and that was give you up. I was a fool and I was weak and stupid.”
Despite the pain, he stood. “I went to a rehab in Seattle.
I was there under an assumed name and I…it took a long
time for me to get better. I needed more surgery and I still have problems with my leg, and I always will. I had to finish high school by getting my GED. I didn’t finish college until just a year ago. My life got put on hold, just like my father told me it would and he…he said you would skip college to
help me and….”
“He manipulated you.”
“Yeah. And I let him. I was weak.”
“You were vulnerable and I can understand that. But….”