He raked a hand through his hair and Max wanted to go to
him, but he didn’t. “Once you realized he lied to you, once you realized he made all your fears seem like more than we
could handle, why didn’t you contact me?”
“I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Being rejected. Finding out you had someone.”
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Jaylin shook his head. “Is that it? Was it just your
father’s lies? Or did you leave, did you not reach out because you blame me?”
“Blame you?”
“Your father made it clear that he blamed me for what
happened that night.”
“He blamed me for it too. And for a while I think I
blamed myself. But I never blamed you.”
Agitated, Jaylin sat down on the edge of the bed, staring
down at the floor. “I always wanted to know why. I mean, I
figured a great deal of why you left had to do with your
father, but part of me wondered if you hated me.”
“I could never hate you.”
“Do you regret it? Coming out to me?”
“Never. Not for a second.”
Jaylin looked at him again and Max saw some of the ice
thaw from his eyes. “I finally made myself stop looking for you. Someone said you didn’t want me to find you.”
“For a while, I didn’t want you to. I was such a mess.”
“I know how badly you were hurt, Max. I was there.”
“That’s the other thing. You saw….”
“And you resented me for it.”
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“No. I felt weak. I felt dirty. I didn’t deserve you….” His voice broke and he shook his head. He didn’t want to break
down or fall apart. “In my nightmares about that night, I
hear you crying.”
“Max….”
“I hear you crying and I can’t stop them to get to you
and make it okay.”
“I’m the one who wanted to make it okay. I wanted to be
there, to help you face it all.”
Crossing to the bed, Max sat down, careful to leave a
space between them. “I knew you tried to find me and
sometimes, I wanted you to. But I…I believed I would just be a burden, the way my father said I would be, and then you
started going places. I followed your career. And I meant it when I said I am so proud of you.”
“I wanted you to be there.”
“I wanted to be there, but I couldn’t.”
“I hate your father.”
Max laughed—he couldn’t help it, sitting there in the
bland little motel room with the man he loved more than
anything.
“I hate him too. He and I haven’t spoken in over four
years.”
“Why?”
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“Turns out I really am gay. He doesn’t like it. And I don’t care.”
Jaylin looked at him, and again, their eyes held and
Max felt the cold inside him ease. He felt warm inside for the first time in years. He knew there were still things he needed to say, things Jaylin needed to hear. And he would say those things, but for now, he was sitting beside Jaylin, looking at him, and it felt so right, he could almost make himself
believe the past seven years had been nothing more than a
very bad dream.
“You know about my life, but what about yours, Max?”
“What about it?”
“I don’t know. How about what have you been doing for
the past seven years?”
Considering the question, he shrugged. “I spent a lot of
time in rehab. A lot of time facing pain and doctors and
when it finally got as good as it will get, I went to college in Seattle. Since I’m not going to have some great career in
sports, I decided to try my hand at teaching.”
“Teaching?”
“High school English.”
“Not Biology?”
He laughed again, surprised by the sound, because it
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joking around, and he didn’t want the moment to end, but
he knew eventually, it would.
Jaylin had a life to return to and as completely empty as
it felt, he had a life as well.
But it’s not the life I want! Damn it, I want my life with
Jaylin. I want the past seven years and I want to go back and
make better choices without letting my son of a bitch father
push me.
“Are you going to speak, at the hearing?”
The question pulled him from his thoughts and he
nodded. “I feel like I need to. I don’t want to see him out of jail, Jaylin.”
“Neither do I. If I can say anything to keep him there, I
will.”
“Have you ever—aside from the police and during the
trial—have you ever talked to anyone, about what happened
that night?”
“You mean professionally?”
“Yeah.”
“I tried. Once. And I bolted.” He shrugged. “What about
you?”
“It was all part of my rehab.”
“They made you talk about it?”
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“Kind of.” He didn’t explain that a therapist had been
called in after he tried to kill himself, because he didn’t want that guilt laid on Jaylin and, knowing Jaylin, he would find a way to feel guilty for something that hadn’t been his fault. “I resented it at first, but in the end, it turned out to be good for me. I had a lot of emotions and anger that I needed to
deal with and I finally did. Not to say that it doesn’t still bother me, because it does.”
It always would. He had come to accept that some
lingering pain would always be with him, and not just in the physical sense. He would have emotional pain. But like the
physical pain, he knew he could live with it and find ways
not to allow it to hinder his life and his plans for his future.
The future? No matter what the future holds, it won’t be
what I want. All I want is the man sitting beside me and
that’s the one thing I can never have.
“It nearly killed me, watching how they hurt you.”
“Jaylin….”
“I thought you were going to die. I thought I would lose
you and I…in the end, I did.”
Clearly uncomfortable with the emotions that were close
to reaching the surface, Jaylin started to stand, but Max
reached out and caught him by the wrist and Jaylin looked
at him with eyes filled with pain and longing.
“We haven’t been together during the past seven years,
that’s true. But you have never, and I mean never, lost me, Jaylin.”
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“Max….”
“I’m yours, Jay. I always have been. I gave you my heart
when I was eighteen and my heart always will belong to you.”
Jaylin looked from him to the hand on his wrist and
back again and once more, their eyes held and Max could
hear the sound of his own heart thundering. He hadn’t come
here for this. He had even allowed himself to consider he
would be saying such a thing to Jaylin, even if it was
completely true and he was more than a little afraid he
would he rejected. And maybe he deserved to be. Maybe this
was karma and Jaylin would laugh right in his face and tell him to go straight to hell, and if he did, Max knew he
couldn’t blame him.
But still, he hoped, prayed, waited, afraid to breathe or
move as Jaylin finally slipped from the bed to kneel on the floor in front of Max, resting his hands gently on jean-clad thighs. Even through his jeans, Max could easily feel the
heat from Jaylin’s hands.
And it was thrilling and intoxicating and it made him a
little dizzy.
His right hand moved, almost with its own will, to tangle
in Jaylin’s hair as Jaylin looked up at him. Max tried to find his voice, but couldn’t. He had no idea what to say. He had no idea what he needed to say, or what he could possibly
say, to remove the shadows of hurt and fear he saw so very
clearly in Jaylin’s eyes.
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Instinctively, his fingers tightened, massaged, and the
tension seemed to bleed from Jaylin, and he leaned closer,
laying his head in Max’s lap as Max continued to play with
his hair. He was too afraid to do anything else, almost too afraid to breathe. The gesture wasn’t sexual; it just seemed as if Jaylin needed comfort and Max could provide it. And he wanted to provide it. He wanted to do anything and
everything possible to heal the pain and hurt the man he
loved had suffered when he foolishly walked away from him,
believing it was the right thing to do.
He knew now that it hadn’t been right, and he regretted
it more than he could ever say.
Content for the moment just to be able to touch Jaylin
in whatever way possible, he slowly stroked his other hand
up and down Jaylin’s back. He could feel the taut muscles,
the warm skin. He could recall so clearly and vividly what it felt like to touch Jaylin without any barrier between them, and the memory alone was enough to make his cock stir.
For the first time in years, he felt undeniable desire, and it made every nerve ending in his body hum with energy.
As if sensing something, sensing the energy that nearly
consumed Max, Jaylin lifted his head and Max could see
tears drying on his face. It was a sight that broke his heart and he moved the hand in his hair to cup his cheek, thumb
brushing away a tear trail, before stroking his bottom lip, and at the intimate contact, Jaylin shivered.
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when Jaylin looked at the faint white lines, the fading scars that told a story all their own, and fresh tears were in
Jaylin’s eyes when their gaze locked again.
“When did you…?”
“About eight months after that night. I was tired. And in
pain all the time. I thought not being able to feel anything would be far better than hurting.”
“Max….”
“A nurse found me, before it was too late. After that, my
doctors called in a therapist for me to talk to and, truth be told, she saved my life.”
“Thank God.” Jaylin kissed his wrist again. “I wish I had
been there. I think I understand now, why you left. I always knew your father had a hand in it, but…God, Max, please
know, I would have never left your side. I would have been
there for you night and day and I would have loved you
through it all, every step of the way.”
“I know. Now. It took some time, but I got my head
clear.”
“I wish you would have contacted me sooner.”
“You have such a remarkable life, Jay. I didn’t want to
disrupt that.”
“You could never disrupt my life, because you add
something wonderful to it.”
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Emotions rushed over him and Max smiled despite the
urge to cry as Jaylin looked at him, and he fought not to get lost in those remarkable blue eyes.
“What do you want, Max?”
“What do you mean?”
Jaylin laced their fingers together, his eyes thoughtful.
“It’s been seven years, but I can tell you I love you now as much as ever. And maybe some of my dreams have come
true, but the thing that I wanted most in life is you. So I guess I’m asking if all you wanted was the chance to tell me why you left the way you did, or do you want something
more?”
“I’ve never stopped loving you, Jaylin. Not for a second.”
“Do you love me enough…?”
“If there is room for me in your life, there is nowhere
else I would rather be.”
“Be sure about that. Because I don’t know if I could
survive losing you again.”
“You will never lose me again if you….” He shook his
head. “Can we do this, Jay? Can we pick up the pieces and
start over? Can we make it work?” He wanted nothing more,
but after seven years he was afraid to even hope it was
possible. Jaylin smiled and kissed his palm again.
“We can do anything, if we really want to.”
“I want to.”
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“So do I.”
Smiling, he pulled Jaylin up into his arms, and just as
they had all those years ago, their lips came together almost hesitantly, but it only took brief contact before the hesitation faded and they were clinging to each other. He could feel
Jaylin’s hands on his shoulders and he again tangled his
hand in Jaylin’s hair, pressing him as close as possible as their tongues brushed together and danced in hungry, needy
desperation.
Easing back, he laid down on the bed, pulling Jaylin
with him, loving the feel of having Jaylin wrapped tightly in his arms, surrounding him with his warm and incredible
strength. His kisses felt so right, so familiar. Kissing Jaylin was like coming home, home to a place he never wanted to
leave again. He knew where he belonged, as Jaylin slid a
hand under his shirt and Max moaned his delight when
teasing fingers brushed over his nipples.
With a chuckle, Jaylin broke the kiss to look down at
him, and Max felt all the cold inside of him fade away,
leaving him warm, safe, wishing with all his heart this
moment would last forever.
“I love you, Max.”
“I love you too, Jaylin. Always.”
In answer, Jaylin kissed him again, neither of them
holding back their desire, their need. Max could feel Jaylin’s erection straining hard and throbbing against his jeans and he wanted all barriers between them gone.